REBEL Wins

“Breath of Life” by Florence and The Machines begins to play over the speakers, the REBEL Pro logo shining over the REBELTron as acting President Simon Kalis steps out to an uproarious response from the crowd. He adjusts the collar on his suit and waves to the passionate fans as he offers a wide grin.

Linzi Martin: Oh shit, look. His jaw isn’t wired shut anymore! Simon will finally give it to us straight himself!

Larry Gordon: Ohhhh yes. That he will.

Simon slaps the hands of fans as he walks down the aisle, taking time to pose for pictures and sign autographs.

Linzi Martin: So before tonight’s show, Simon announced that something major has happened in regards to the future of REBEL Pro. I take it you know what that is, don’t you Larry?

Larry Gordon: I sure do, Linzi.

Simon passes by the announcers table and smirks in Gordon’s direction, and for the first time in months Gordon smirks back.

Linzi Martin: Since when are you two friends again?

Larry Gordon: We aren’t, but even I have to tip my hat to Simon’s brilliance tonight, Linzi.

Simon walks up the steps and into the ring.

Jenny Jersey: Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you our acting President, Simon Kalis!

She hands him the microphone, and Simon waits for the crowd to settle down.

Simon Kalis: I own Underground X.

The crowd jumps to their feet, cheering in disbelief.

Linzi Martin: WHAT?!

Larry Gordon: Heh.

Simon turns his head and smiles.

Simon Kalis: REBEL Pro wins.

Voiceover from the REBELTron: FLAWLESS VICTORY!

In standard Kalis fashion, he slaps his chest, stomps his foot and salutes the crowd in Order of Chaos fashion. The crowd is going nuts, it’s been a while since they’ve seen Simon do that so rightfully so they mark out for the occasion.

Simon Kalis: The promotion who thought they could go to war with REBEL Pro is FINISHED!

More cheers from this clearly pro-REBEL Pro crowd. D’uh.

Simon Kalis: What does this mean, you ask?! It means that Warehouse in Vegas? Is mine. What’s left of the Underground Arena? Is mine. Every single contracted wrestler from Underground X? Is. Mine. That means indy scene phenoms such as Macca, will now be in REBEL Pro!

The crowd gives a big pop to the UX Triple Crown Champion.

Simon Kalis: That means Sean Robinson! Who went from REBEL Pro to make a name for himself as the greatest UX Undisputed Champion will be BACK! In! REBEL! PRO!

Kalis dusts his shoulders off, looking boss as fuck.

Simon Kalis: And these men are just the tip of the iceberg which I have acquired for REBEL Pro through this moment. With them and the other X’erground wrestlers, coupled with our great talents like Anna Mathews, Marvin Wood and even The Phoenix… I can stand before you all tonight, over a year later from the moment I purchased 49% of REBEL Pro in order to save it from bankruptcy and say… Mission Accomplished. I told all of you, inside one of the High School gyms where REBEL Pro was holding shows then… That I would take REBEL Pro from the regional status it once had, and take it to the nation and then the world and make REBEL Pro the FLAGSHIP FEDERATION OF THE AoWF! We have fucking DONE IT, ladies and gentlemen! Not just me. But those who stuck to REBEL Pro backstage and those of you here tonight in the HEART of REBEL country. We are the flagship, not the fucking god damn PWA. Take that, Rob Robinson. Take that, all up in your frigid asshole.

Simon flips the bird off at the camera and smirks.

Fans: REBEL! REBEL! REBEL! REBEL! REBEL!

Linzi Martin: I think I have tears in my eyes!

Larry Gordon: This is a triumphant and glorious moment, Linzi.

Kalis rubs his jaw, getting used to the new metal plating.

Simon Kalis: Acquiring UX was the last jolt needed to push REBEL Pro over the edge. We’ve got some very talented individuals coming here and this will – and should – put everyone already a REBEL on their toes. To all of you watching who once worked for Underground X, I say to you- feel free to come to REBEL Pro now. As incentive, I will offer you what I offered every REBEL Pro roster member when I bought REBEL Pro. A $50,000 bonus. As a welcome to your new regime, and a new era. Or…

Kalis twirls the mic and then smirks.

Simon Kalis: You can sit at home, and do nothing. But rest assured I own your ass either way, gentlemen. That includes you, Reece Paxton. That includes you, Allen Chaney. And you, Marina Blue. All of you AoWF traitors are back, or you’re nothing.

The crowd has a mixed reaction. We assume cheering Allen Chaney and Marina Blue, while booing that dumb fuck Reece Paxton.

Simon Kalis: I am now the dual President of two companies. REBEL Pro, and Underground X. That means a lot. But I couldn’t have done it if it wasn’t for The Mainerishi and his Ultra Passion Movement. Now this man, the Mainerishi, he is the death of UX. His followers blew up the Underground Arena in Las Vegas, killing people. Hurting people. Staining our great sport, and for what? While The Mainerishi himself had plausible deniability behind this terrorist attack, to me there is no question that this psychopathic madman is responsible. We are brutal in REBEL Pro. We are savage, we have a lust for blood like no other. But we have never been, are not currently, and never will be proponents of mass murder and carnage. The aftermath of these brutal actions went uncared for. The aftermath was the cancellation of UX’s contract with AMC to air their show, Blacklist. The aftermath was that the previous owner of UX, Salvatore D’Aquila, was fucked. Fucked by his own people, his own Champion. And so I stepped in, and placed an Order of Chaos seal on a deal to save this man’s dignity. And so I would ask all of you here tonight, to rise and remove your hats. We shall all stand in a moment of silence, not for Salvatore, and not for UX. But for those poor individuals who died at one of their shows by virtue of the actions of madmen. Let us all remain silent, and let the bell ring 14 times for the 14 souls lost on that evening.

Everyone in the arena stands up, many folks placing their hats over their hearts.

DING.

DING.

DING.

DING.

DING.

DING.

DING.

DING.

DING.

DING.

DING.

DING.

DING.

DING.

Kalis raises his gaze once again.

Simon Kalis: We solemnly pray that tragic events like these never occur in our sport again. And so…

Kalis clears his throat.

Simon Kalis: My first act as the new owner and President of Underground X in these transitive times is to fire the man responsible for its demise and more importantly, the man whom anyone with half a clue knows is responsible for the tragic events of Blacklist 40. The Former Underground X Undisputed Champion, the man behind the terrorist organization known as the Ultra Passion Movement. Mainerishi?

Simon points into the camera lens.

Simon Kalis: You’re fired.

The crowd gives a rousing applause at this news.

Simon Kalis: Over the next few days and weeks, much will have to be taken into consideration. However, I think it’s best if we now hear from the man himself… Salvatore D’Aquila.

And with that cue, the former boss of Underground X himself, Salvatore D’Aquila, pushes his way out past the curtain to the sound of “Life” by Harry Gregson-Williams and makes a brisk walk for the ring. The fans aren’t being shy about what they think about Salvatore with all of their boos and jeers, but the man either isn’t affected by it or has the world’s best poker face as he steps into the ring. Once in the ring, Kalis extends his hand forward, which Salvatore looks at with a slight look of disdain on his face for a moment, before extending his own out for the shake. Handing Salvatore the mic, Kalis makes his way out of the ring to let the man speak.

Salvatore D’Aquila: Yes, ladies and gentlemen, sadly, it is true. My time as leader of the Underground has come to an unfortunate end, due to circumstances that were outside of my control. I am sure that you are all disappointed as I am, but we shall have to move past this and try and turn this negative into a positive.

Larry Gordon: Crowd’s reaction tells us they don’t believe this is a negative in any way at all.

Salvatore D’Aquila: It will be hard for me to say goodbye to Underground X. I put my ‘everything’ into that company. Taking it from its low point and fixing it into a national TV show that was rating stronger than most other shows in its time slot. Although, I will be able to walk away satisfied knowing that stars like Sean Robinson, Cesar Salazar, Deicide & Tony Edison will always stay up in the spotlight where they belong. These men are truly the future of not just REBEL but wrestling in general today.

Oh shit, Sal! Not a good idea to tell a REBEL crowd that UX stars will be their future. Boos are raining down now. Just as D’Aquila raises the mic to his mouth once again, the Collingwood Football Club theme song hits the PA! Macca pushes his way onto the stage as huge cheers erupt from a large number in the crowd that is familiar with the man’s UX work. It’s still mixed in boos for the UX Hall of Famer from this particularly pro-REBEL crowd, though. Macca begins to make his way down to the ring with a mic of his own.

Larry Gordon: The beautiful strap around that Aussie’s waist is known as the UX Undisputed Championship, and the one draped over his shoulder goes by the Uncensored Championship. Their owner is Macca, better known by his fans as the ‘Cuntster’.

Linzi Martin: We’re not expected to call him that, are we? And… Is he aroused?

Entering the ring, Macca stands tall and proud; revealing that he does indeed have a large bulge in the crotch of his shorts.

Macca: Some good names you mentioned there, Sal; some pretty shit ones, also, but I can’t help but think that you missed a name. Can’t put my finger on who that would be though…. Oh that’s right: me! The fact that the last ever episode of the Blacklist was Main Evented by me beating your terrorist problem for the Undisputed Championship obviously means nothing to you. One last fuck up before you let go of UX for good, I suppose?

Macca switches the Uncensored Championship’s resting spot to his right arm so he can throw his left arm around Salvatore’s shoulders, which makes Macca’s former employer visibly tense. Pulling Salvatore in close, Macca continues to speak.

Macca: But let’s not end this on a sour note, Sal. I think we should celebrate our new beginnings in REBEL with a frothy.

Reaching into his shorts, Macca pulls out the bulge to reveal two bottles of Victoria Bitter! He pops the tops off of the bottles and offers one to his old boss. Salvatore looks at the bottle with disgust all over his face.

Salvatore: You don’t honestly expect me to drink that do you?

Macca: Nah I guess you shouldn’t. After all -

Linzi Martin: OH GOD!

Macca pulls back before smashing the bottle of beer over Salvatore D’Aquila’s head! The shards of glass immediately cut Salvatore open, and blood begins to rush down his face as he crashes face-first into the mat! A puddle made of a mixture of ‘beer and blood’ forms around Salvatore’s unconscious head! Macca drops down in to a crouched position before taking a sip from his last remaining bottle of beer, waiting for the few hundred UX marks to settle down from their giddiness! Naturally, typical REBEL fans are more so shocked than noisy.

Macca: – it seems you’ve already had enough. Cheers that, cunt!

Larry Gordon: The crowd seems to be super more behind Macca after that display!

Linzi Martin: True Larry, however, there are still some who see him as a UX invader. Only time will tell if he can win them over.

And with that, Macca leaves the ring and plays up to this hugely split crowd while making his way out to the back, taking us into our first commercial break of the evening!

Legendary Legacary

On the REBEL-TRON we come to see REBEL PRO’s newest signed attraction, “The Chosen One” Justin Case and his manager The Wiz. They are seen in the backstage area inside what looks to be someone’s office. We happen to pan over a desk where the name “Jeremy Gold” is seen on the desktop. The two men are in search of something as they trace through out the whole office. flipping the office upside down until finally one man speaks up.

The Wiz: I found it!

Legendary Legacary stops in his tracks

Justin Case: Is it what I think it is?!

The Wiz smiles

The Wiz: You know it.

crumpling up a paper in hand Case throws it aside and pans the room

Justin Case: That has to be all of it. Ok, go flush it!

The Wiz does what he’s told and leaves the room

Case looks to the camera with a sly cool confident smirk

Justin Case: So, Jeremy, how the hell have ya been?!oh really? eat a dick. Me? Im just doing great! Last week I made it known to the world I have come back to REBEL PRO for one reason and one reason alone. To finish the job of killing REBEL PRO once and for all. Afterall, I am “The Franchise Killer” for a reason. So I thought who better to get out of the way first, the very man I forced to resign as GM of this shit hole federation, a while back. But memories never fade, do they Gold?

Case brings up a file in his hand.

Justin Case: You see, while you continue to be Simon Kalis’ yes man. I knew you’d be busy doing his bidding at the moment. So I thought why not level the playing field, since I already know Im facing you later tonight.

The Wiz walks in and stands in the background.

Justin Case: You see what we did? Do you like the remodeling? I say, Wiz, someone needs a molly maid around here. But then again, Jeremy wouldnt like anyone else going through his personal business. Right Gold? Well, to level the playing field and to make sure you are able to remember every painful second in which I take revenge on the man that tried to ruin me by getting me fired from REBEL PRO. They say pay back’s a bitch, but yet they have never met yours truly. You see Gold, what we did is just flush all the illegal drugs you had stashed away in your office! Its all gone! So now your mind will be able to send you the message of extreme pain that I will soon inflict upon you, Jeremy Gold. You deserve the ass whooping of a life time anyways. But when you try to fuck with me, thats just a losing battle, and a war you cant win.

Case looks over his shoulder, smiles at The Wiz and looks back at the camera

Justin Case: You might be wondering whats in my talented hands, eh Goldy? Well Jeremy, in my hand is a copy of Simon Kalis’ resent public address state of affairs announcement in which is on the REBEL PRO website as well. And to be totally honest, looking at things from of course the peoples perspective, the statement given by Simon Kalis is nothing more than a federation suicide note.

“TCO” pauses for effect

Justin Case: Now then, yours truly is not going to waste the tax payer’s time of reading the whole statment that Simon Kalis made, but I will say this.

Legendary Legacary stares a hole through the lens

Justin Case: Jeremy Gold, the writing is literally on the wall, baby! REBEL PRO is on its last leg as finally Simon Kalis is giving in to my demands. Do you honestly think it was a coincidence that Kalis came out with this statement just days after my return to REBEL PRO? You see, he knows its just a matter of time. The statement he made is basicly a suicide note for REBEL PRO. What does that mean for you, Jeremy Gold? It means this….

Case’s eyes widen

Justin Case: Jeremy, Simon has made the first move of three steps towards ending REBEL PRO forever. Number one? Getting rid of the management. And what does Simon then do? Kalis then sends you to the wolves, as he signs off on a match that is surely to be Jeremy Gold’s last match ever! Placing Case against Gold is like stealing from a baby. The end result will happen so fast, the only thing left for Gold to do will be to cry your ass off once I defeat you. The second step Simon will surely take is to end all merchanise for the fans. Continuing on to end all deals with the sponsers that help promote this federation. With no commerials or online production, with no t-shirts of Jeremy Gold with a white powdered nose, or the Kalis clan sending their terroristic views via t-shirts and posters. All that bullshit will cease to exist as then the third and final step will be taken. Mark my talented words, Gold. Simon is soon to be bouncing checks while he cheats the wrestlers themselves. Thats whats next. If you dont believe me, wait until your money starts running out. The end result is now IN WRITING! REBEL PRO is on her death bed. Now its time to send a message to the cream of the crop. Jeremy, Simon, Adrian, I wont stop until I am on top! And when its all said and done, no one is better than “The Chosen One”.
Justin Case U didnt know, I rule this f*cking show!!!

See ya tonight, Gold.

Just like that the duo exit the office, leaving it a mess as they turn off the light and shut the door.

Fade 2…

The Return of The Legendary Legacary Match

“The Chosen One” Justin Case versus Jeremy Gold

When Justin Case came out, the REBEL fans greeted his return with boos and hate except for Susan Boyle who once again purchased a ticket to view her hero. As Jeremy Gold came out, everyone quietly applauded perhaps out of pity at what was likely going to be a bad time for him. The bell rang and Justin Case immediately struck with a short arm clothesline, taking Gold down hard and fast. Gold rolled with it, getting back to his feet and going for a flying lariat on The Chosen One. Case recovers and hits a spinning neckbreaker on Jeremy Gold, and covers. Case gets the 2 count as Jeremy manages to kick out, much to the chagrin of Justin Case. Case lifts Gold up and whips him into the ropes. He catches Jeremy Gold and takes him back down to the canvas with a body slam. He covers again. 1! 2! KICK OUT! Case is getting more and more infuriated with Gold. And Gold, for his part, begins crawling away from Case. As Case approaches Jeremy Gold, he lifts Gold back up from the canvas swiftly by the back of his neck. As Gold turns around, Gold kicks Case in the nuts much to the enjoyment of the crowd. It’s at this moment when SUSAN BOYLE JUMPS THE BARRICADE AND SLIDES INTO THE RING! SUSAN BOYLE TACKLES JEREMY GOLD TO THE GROUND AND BEGINS SLAPPING THE SHIT OUT OF HIM! Security rushes into the ring and pulls Susan Boyle out of the ring, but the crowd is amused. Gold low blows Justin Case again from his knees and as Case recoils, Gold gets to his feet and grabs Case by the head and begins yelling in his face as loud as he can. Gold begins slapping Case with both his hands, all girly like and Case being the superior specimen immediately grabs Gold and hits JUST 2 TALENTED! Instead of going for the pin however, Case locks in Snap or Tap! Gold barely holds on for more than three seconds before he begins tapping out!

Winner: Justin Case in 5:10

A Kansas Thang

Johnny and Allen both have their food set in front of them. Allen has a green salad with no meat of any kind on it because of his diet. Johnny has a double bacon chili cheeseburger with a side of chli cheese fries.

Johnny: “Oh sorry man. I forgot about your diet thin-”

Allen: “Die in a fire.”

Allen takes a bite of his salad. Johnny chuckles.

Allen: “So, he really texted you?”

Johnny nods.

Johnny: “Yeah. It was Ollies number. Just two words though. ‘My fault’. I mean, we all know it wasn’t but Ollie… The boy was never all there. I just want him to come home. Wherever he is he definitely isn’t in a good state of mind.”

Allen: “Must be Kansas. In Kansas positivity lies dormant, but negativity spreads like a virus. I should know, I still stay there on occasion. You spend five minutes in Kansas and you somehow implicitly uinderstand that it is an alternate universe seperate from sanity where people like Fred Phelps are allowed to spew their brain vomit for profit and a new Quik Trip gas station is the talk of the town.”

Johnny: “If you don’t stop being depressing, next time you fall asleep on a road trip I’m going to put bacon in your mouth.”

Allen rolls his eyes. He had only been on this diet a couple weeks. He had lost 15 pounds, but he wasn’t used to the diet yet. So yeah, he was a bit more unforgiving and blunt in nature recently.

Allen: “So. Marvin Wood, huh?”

Johnny: Yup. Should be a good win to get me back on track. I mean, a lot about me has changed. I’m drug free, alcohol free, and more focused than I have ever been save for a knee injury that until recently was kicking my ass as far as in-ring competition goes, but that’s all better thanks to a little bit of medical magic. Marvin is…well… he hasn’t really changed at all, has he? Same arrogant attitude, same boring as shit personality. Same shit, different day. So, take a Johnny Maverick who lacked clarity, vision, and drive then give him all of those things. Then put him against a guy he embarassed a little bit ago and won the Victory World Title off of who has not changed at all, who also wouldn’t still have his title belt if Virgil Keenan hadn’t of… Holy shit dude. Marvin Wood needs VIRGIL KEENAN to fight his battles for him.”

Allen: “Check it. ‘I’m a paragon of wit and intelligence in professional wrestling. Cunt Fuck Shit’.”

Johnny: “Spot-on Virgil, moobs. I guess I still find it a little funny. Marvin Wood was SO CONVINCED he had me beat. He was so sure he was the better man and he lost to someone who not only stood for absolutely EVERYTHING he opposed but clearly was not supposed to have won the match.”

Allen: “No doubt. I was hoping you’d win that but I never dreamed you would. I guess defying the odds is kind of our thing.”

Johnny: “It was my thing first.”

Allen: Yeah, but I did it better.”

Johnny: “Eh, I’ll top it eventually.”

Marvin Wood Brings The EXCITEMENT

“Well, this is exciting, isn’t it?”

Marvin Wood appears on the screen.

“This is an exciting time in my career. Firstly, I’m told that I should keep my public exposure to a minimum so as to maximise the impact of appearing on Rebel Pro television. This is certainly a very bad move when it comes to myself. Admittedly, the longevity of usefulness for the speech of many Rebel Pro wrestlers is short. The more they talk, beyond a few sentences, the more likely they are to hurt their own image, Rebel Pro’s public image and the public image and self-respect of everyone around them. It’s like the amazingly qualified camera man, who went to Oxford University, only to be put in a room to record someone masturbating with a nettle. It’s no good. Everyone who is surrounding these people whilst they speak are collectively becoming less intelligent, and less self-respecting. Sooner or later, they descend into depression and drug dependency. Anyway, this is certainly not the case with me. In fact, the inverse is true. When people listen to me speak on the issues of life, they become better, more intelligent people and learn to respect themselves more. The more I talk, the better society is as a whole. For my speech to be limited to just a few minutes per week, as it is here, will only reduce the number of people who I am able to help.”

He pauses and sighs.

“Then, I am told that I must participate in not minus one, not none, not one, but two matches, tonight. The very week after I successfully defended my Aggression Championship against Anna Mathews, thus extending my record against her to three wins to zero losses, I must once again defend that very same title against her, because she was – for some reason – upset regarding how she lost that match. In reality, if she was really cap;able of defeating me, she would have done so at some stage in the three matches that we have had to date. And yet, she failed to do so. That speaks only to the truth. Now that I must defend my title against her the very next week, I feel that the Aggression Championship truly is not worthy

of encouraging greatness. I participated in this experiment for a short period of time, in order to investigate what I could gain for both myself and others out of a mid-card. And, ultimately, all I learned was that I was right all along. Mid-card titles are representative of nothing more than mediocrity. The stagnant booking regarding it reflects this. If I beat Anna Mathews, tonight, I am sure that she will come up with another excuse and get another title match, rendering the previous matches irrelevant. This will proceed until we have some puppet-themed handicap match where I could not possibly win. I don’t want to see that, and I no longer want to ambiguise my image by being associated with something that represents mediocrity. I no longer have any motivation to hold that title. Instead, I believe that it should instead be associated with someone who truly does represent mediocrity – someone like Anna Mathews. How convenient it is, then, that my title defence will be against her. It is time for some blood-letting. It is time to make a small, almost insignificant sacrifice in order to achieve the greater good. So, whilst Anna Mathews is enjoying her pointless, mediocre career, I will be enjoying changing the world for the better, as I always do.”

He nods, firmly, in affirmation of his comments.

“Thirdly and finally, there is the second match that I will be participating in, tonight. The rematch that everyone forgot to book. The rematch that Johnny Maverick forgot about. The rematch for the World Championship of Victory Wrestling and the AoWF Television Championship. Of course, neither of those title will be defended, as Maverick has long since lost both of them. Instead, I am tasked with righting one of the most disgraceful wrongs that has occurred, not just in my career, but in professional sports. I had climbed my way to the final of the tournament for the AoWF Television Championship, a title which I wanted to win in order to raise my ranking within the AoWF. But, in the final, where I was due to face Corey Lazarus to determine the new champion, the match was suddenly made a three-way match. Johnny Maverick was added. Despite overwhelming odds,

I went on to win that match. But, instead, the owner at the time, Gabe Shelley, decided that he would change the rules of the match, AFTER it had taken place, thus meaning that I broke the rules, and restarted the match. Johnny Maverick, with the odds now truly in his favour, took advantage of my predicament to become one of the most sorry excuses for a World Champion that I have ever seen. Never again did I think that another promotion would repeat the mistake that Rebel Pro made, of making Johnny Maverick a World Champion. But then, along came the cesspool that was BWF, and they made the exact same mistake. And, I do mean “made” Johnny Maverick the World Champion, because all of the odds were stacked in his favour. He could not lose. Gabe Shelley, a man too cowardly to admit that he resents my success, would not allow it to be any other way.”

‘The Nomadic Sage”’s words are stern and assertive.

“Now, one year later, I finally have the opportunity to right that most atrocious of wrongs…in the place where it all started, no less: Rebel Pro. Tonight, I have the opportunity to right the wrong committed against myself, Corey Lazarus, the AoWF, Victory Wrestling, professional wrestling, every single stakeholder in professional wrestling, past present and future, and the moral fibre of mankind.”

“Johnny Maverick is like that sweet that is just too sweet to bite into. It looks so delicious. Everyone says it is delicious. But, there’s that pause. That pause where one is momentarily overwhelmed by the prospect of its deliciousness. Johnny Maverick is an idiot. He is the ex-husband of one of the most stupid, over-sensitive, ignorant, pathetic, boneheaded, out-of-shape poor excuses for a wrestler that there has ever been. For some reason, he has been able to prolong his love affair with this woman, and has taken wrestling fans along for the ride, in what can only be described as a subconscious expression of hatred for wrestling fans. There are certain times in my career that I am proud to be a professional wrestler – when there is nothing I would want to be more than a pro’ wrestler: such as having classic matches with the likes of The Phoenix, Matt Stone, Matthew Engel, Teresa Quaranta, Jethro Hayes and so on. Then, there is this…drivel…that forces me to hang my head in shame. This is another point on which I must avenge a most gracious misdeed involving this man. A crime against the creative faculty of all fans of professional wrestling.”

Marvin’s eyes are narrowed: he is concentrating, intensely.

“Within a couple of hours’ time, when I have corrected one of the great anomalies in our sport, dropped a meaningless championship, and avenged two egregious crimes, my mind will become more clear. I will feel better about myself. And, through this, I will once again teach all of you to feel better about yourselves.”

The scene fades out.

Come On Bro, You Can Do Better Than No Showing Match

Marvin Wood versus Johnny Maverick

Linzi Martin: Norton, why do you insist on continuing your guest commentator role when you’re a full-time REBEL wrestler now?

Jake Norton: I’m a workhorse, Lizzy. I love being involved.

Larry Gordon: That’s a nicer way to put it.

Jake Norton: Are you calling me a whore?

Larry Gordon: An attention-whore.

Jake Norton: Maybe I should call you a lazy, cheap prick!

Linzi Martin: For what?

Jake Norton: Really? How about whenever I come down here, there are only two headsets, so I gotta use Gordon’s. I’m surprised you actually bothered buying another, Larry.

Larry Gordon: Fans, you can hate me now.

Linzi Martin: Okay, let’s get ready to call some solid action. Two former Victory Wrestling World Champions and Aggression Champions are about to duke it out!

Jake Norton: Maverick won the Aggression title before?

Larry Gordon: Yes.

Jake Norton: Lol oh.

Johnny Maverick is quick to start things by going in after Marvin, who remains stood in the corner welcoming Maverick’s attempt. Hounding Johnny off, Marvin delivers thick knife-edge chops to Kennedy’s chest and leaps into him for a forearm smash, enabling a chicken wing camel clutch! Going on a panicky defensive, Maverick delivers various elbows that club hard blows to the arm, shoulder and neck of Marvin Wood; finished off by heaving the Aggression Champion into the turnbuckles via half-nelson suplex!

Linzi Martin: That seems to be a trend, lately.

Jake Norton: Virgil Keenan proved how merciless that throw can be.

Ramming a big boot into Marvin’s face, Maverick then monkey flips Marvin onto his ass. When he follows in, Maverick goes to deliver a running shotei into Marvin’s backside, but luckily, instincts kick in causing Marvin to dodge, resulting in Maverick crashing into the mat awkwardly! As Marvin stumbles back, he grabs onto Johnny and takes him down with a hangman’s neckbreaker!

Getting back to his feet, Marvin continues on the attack, kicking and stomping at Johnny, not wanting him to rise. As Johnny lies on the ground, Marvin grabs onto his leg, trying to wrench it, even applying a spinning-toehold. Giving up on this, Marvin soon spins around Johnny’s body, goes towards his head, drops down and applies a headscissors.

Attempting to free himself, Johnny rolls back-and-forth, eventually rolling both him and Marvin onto their stomach. Getting to a kneeling base, still with Marvin’s legs wrapped around his head, Maverick pushes his way onto his feet, escaping from ‘the Engine of Greatness’s clutches. Pulling Marvin up after some hammer shots, Maverick goes for a German suplex, but Marvin rejects the hold by peppering him with repeated back-elbows to the face!

Reversing the position into his favor, Marvin starts busting out his signature ‘Suplex Labyrinth’ series. Totaling in five, Marvin cannot continue thanks to Johnny desperately shoving a palm into Marvin’s nose whilst in midair, allowing him to flip forward onto his feet as Marvin staggers. Standing in front of Marvin, Maverick leaps backwards, hitting a Pele Kick and instantly jumps back to his feet! Catching Marvin as he stumbles back, Maverick latches onto his arm, interlocks his left leg around Marvin’s right leg and sweeps him backwards, bringing him down to the canvas! Down here, Maverick applies a cross-armbar, even nailing some elbows to his arm, making sure to apply more pressure and pain!

Tapping into his ring general senses once more, Marvin rolls Maverick onto his shoulders while the submission stays intact, but signaling the referee to initiate the count! Soon as the hand slapped the canvas a second time, Maverick nearly kicked out, but Marvin’s grabbing-of-the-tights enforced his pin, allowing Marvin Wood to emerge victorious.

Not So Fast LOL

Johnny Maverick has already made his way backstage, and as Marvin Wood slides out of the ring he drapes the REBEL Pro Aggression Championship over his shoulder and begins his exit buuuut.

Simon Kalis: Whoa. Whoa.

Simon steps out from behind the curtains with a microphone and a smug look on his scarred up face, putting up a hand towards Marvin.

Simon Kalis: Whoa.

Wood, breathing deep looks at Simon with some apprehension.

Simon Kalis: Last week, you successfully defended the REBEL Pro Aggression title against Anna Mathews. Now, we all know that before the match I had planned to be at ringside to prevent any interference. Annnnd we all saw what happened. With Larry Gordon helping to resign Justin Case and the Legendary Legacary deciding he’d like to return to REBEL Pro by catching a one eyed man off guard I was unable to be at ringside. So what we had was Virgil Keenan come out and interfere, costing good Anna Mathews her title match.

The crowd boos, Simon nods in agreement. Marvin Wood begins walking up the entrance ramp towards Simon, but Simon shakes his finger no.

Simon Kalis: No, Marvin. You don’t get off that easy. You know why? Because the following contest shall be a cage match for the REBEL Pro Aggression Championship!

Wood looks furiously at Simon, as the crowd jumps to their feet in a chorus of cheers.

Simon Kalis: Already at ringside, he is the current REBEL Pro Aggression Champion. From Pontefract, England… Yeah, I’m surprised I remembered that offhand too. Weighing

in at fuck knows, standing in at fuck cares… MARVIN WOOD!

Wood re-enters the ring and raises the Aggression Championship.

Larry Gordon: What an insolent son of a bitch.

Linzi Martin: I know, Marvin’s such an ass.

Larry Gordon: I was referring to Simon. Marvin is a true fighter, a true competitor Linzi. He didn’t tell Virgil to interfere last week, he shouldn’t be punished now.

Simon smirks, as he puts down the microphone and disappears backstage.

REBEL Pro Aggression Championship Cage

Anna Mathews versus Marvin Wood©

Jenny Jersey takes the reins back now.

Jenny Jersey: And his opponent!

Sparks – “This Town Ain’t Big Enough For Both Of Us” hits as Anna Mathews steps out to an uproarious applause from the fans.

Jenny Jersey: Standing in at 5 feet and 5 inches tall! Weighing in at 120 pounds! She is the Queen of Dodos! ANNA MATHEWS!!!

Anna runs towards the ring, slapping the hands of fans as she passes by before sliding right in to join Marvin. Marvin leans back, taking his time to recuperate as much as he can. Jenny leaves the ring, and the cage begins to lower.

Linzi Martin: I think this is fun. You know it was great travelling the country and Canada for a while, but it’s nice to just relax here in Raleigh and do shows consistently here in the Aggression Arena and treat the fans to these kinds of surprise buttsex type matches.

Larry Gordon: I’m sure the fans are happy, but I still find it distasteful.

DING DING DING

Anna Mathews leans back against the ropes, smiles and waves to Marvin Wood. Marvin is still in his corner, biding his time and recuperating as much energy as possible. Anna doesn’t seem to mind this and simply watches and waits.

Linzi Martin: So my understanding is this will be a classic cage match. You can win by pinfall, climbing out of the cage over the top or by leaving through the door.

Larry Gordon: And it looks like things are about to pick up- wait a second.

Immediately, Virgil Keenan comes out from backstage with a chair in hand as Anna Mathews and Marvin Wood grapple up. They both break the grapple, Anna stepping back away as Wood crosses his arms and watches. Virgil taps his steel chair and demands the referee open the cage door. Quickly, referee Alan Stone does as he is commanded. Anna approaches, Wood steps back and anticipates what is about to happen.

Larry Gordon: I thought this was a cage match meant to prevent interference. So much for this bright idea.

Linzi Martin: For once you might be right, Larry. Ugh I can’t believe I said that.

Virgil enters the ring and taps the steel chair, pointing at Anna. The crowd is on their feet and booing. Virgil charges and swings the chair but Anna drops to her knees! The chair connects BUT IT CONNECTS ON MARVIN WOOD! Wood hits the canvas hard, busted open immediately. Before Virgil can react, Anna slides right between his legs and leaps out of the open cage door! The crowd can’t believe it! Virgil spins around, dropping the chair as Anna’s feet touch the outside of the ring.

DING DING DING

Anna quickly grabs the lock and shuts the cage door, locking it shut.

Jenny Jersey: The winner of this match, and NEEEEEEEEEW REBEL Pro Aggression Champion! ANNA MATHEWS!

The crowd is on their feet as Virgil tries kicking the door open to get to Anna. Anna waves, and raises her new shiny to the cheers and camera flashes of the crowd. Meanwhile Wood is now on his feet, and does not seem pleased at all with this situation. As Virgil turns around, Marvin Wood hits the Imperfect Tense! The crowd loves it! Anna’s laughing! Wood is fuming! Keenan is knocked on his ass!

Linzi Martin: Well this was totally unexpected on so many levels. I really don’t know what to say.

Wood wipes the blood from his face and looks down at Virgil with discontent.

Larry Gordon: I think this situation is far from over…

Another Brick in The Wall

We see Jonathan Cage sitting in his locker room. He is staring at a monitor with some footage playing. We come around to view the monitor and we see the DVD Case to eWo’s The New Black of two thousand eleven. Cage has the remote in his hand and keeps skipping back to his match against his opponent this week Jake Norton.

Cage shakes his head as he watches himself lose the match in under two minutes. The words that Norton said to him after the face will ring in his mind forever.

Norton: I beat you in under two minutes you fucking twit.

After those words were spoken, Cage stands up and cuts the monitor to black. Then in one fowl swoop, he picks the monitor up and tosses it against the wall.

Cage: God damn it, I hate that motherfucker.

Cage starts throwing punches into the wall creating holes at every strike.

Cage: It was because of him that I adapted the attitude that led me to become eWo World Champion. Yet, what happened to me over a year ago is still a fucking thorn in my side. I was at my lowest point then and I was trying to be a nice guy. That son of a bitch took advantage of it and beat me senseless.

Another punch leading to another hole in the wall. He turns to face the camera as he puts his paint on his face.

Cage: Norton, ever since that day I’ve seen your ugly smiling mug every single fucking day. Yet everytime I get the chance for some redemption you run like a little bitch. Using the fact that you have one victory over me as a crutch to basically hide from what’s coming to you. And at Armed Assault when I saw your ugly fucking face sitting behind the announce desk I wanted to show your that I’m not the same man that you beat over a year ago. That’s why I held my submission move as long as I did to show you that I’m nothing to fuck with.

He takes a breath for a moment.

Cage: Fast forward to Aggression tonight, you and I are stepping inside the ring for the first time in over a year. Now there is no running and no hiding from my vengeance. Tonight, I’m going to end the cancer of professional wrestling. A years worth of waiting will finally come to a head and Norton, you will be just another brick in the fucking wall.

Cage pushes the camera away as he continues to destroy his locker room.

To The World, II

Violins and an innocent-sounding flute start the well-known John Williams score, main theme for Steven Spielberg’s E.T. Out of the curtain to a cozy reception, Jake Norton skips down the ramp, around ringside, then pulls himself onto the apron, performs a leg-split, and pulls himself by his fingers inside the ring, mimicking a certain diva that does this way sexier than stupid ‘Cancer Man’.

During a brief scene of a random tech handing Norton a microphone, chants of “Die! Die! Die!” erupt off in the distance; an obscure reference to Norton being cummed on by Chris Extreme in Sin Wrestling. Smirking at the clearly smarkish insult, Norton doesn’t bother responding; opting to ascend a nearby turnbuckle.

Jake Norton: “Last week, after travelling here, to great North Carolina-”

Pausing to hear the cheap pop Norton aimed for, the audience does not return love.

Jake Norton: “.. I was approached by some paparazzi guy from TMZ. That celebrity-stalker show on Fox. Anyway, I don’t know if you guys saw that, coz who actually watches that crap, is I right?”

Not as quiet as before, a handful shout stuff like ‘Faux News’ and ‘I’m a Lawyer!’

Jake Norton: “But he asked me some questions about Virgil, the masked gay I bashed last week.”

Finally, shouts of approval for Norton’s latest deed gives Jake the reception he wants. That’s what happens when you beat one of the most hated cunts in the AoWF today cleanly: recognition.

Jake Norton: “But in that same impromptu interview, I mentioned – actually, asked if viewers would duly note several questions I feel are crucial to my story in REBEL Pro. This week, I want to answer one of those questions, since, fortunately, my newest opponent is very much a polar opposite of me. The question being, “What challenge does Norton offer his peers?”

Inhaling so much air as quick as he did, you can tell Norton’s nose is congested; explaining his unusually extra-nasally tone. Could he be sick? Even if, Norton smirks as his eyes scan nameless faces in the crowd confidently.

Jake Norton: “I’ve been in many companies with Jonathan Cage. Hell, the last time I was in the ring with him, it was in epic wrestling organisation, at ‘The New Black’ – a pay-per-view show, where we opened the broadcast with me beating him in a record-setting seven seconds. Seven damn seconds! I laid his ass out with a mere lariat, and here we are, a full year later, coming face-to-face yet again. What has changed since then, I wonder?”

Giggly like the snot-nosed punk he is, Norton coughs twice afterward.

Jake Norton: “Jonathan Cage is hyping himself as the ‘final’ eWo Heavyweight Champion. Like any REBEL Fans give-a-fuck about that.”

Some whistle and laugh approvingly; Norton attempts to continue building this positive reaction.

Jake Norton: “I don’t want to take a big steaming crap on eWo since they are a well-known promotion, sure, but, they have lost sooo much credibility, it’s ridiculous. This promo won’t be turning into a tirade, but let’s just go over a quick ‘fact’ checklist. Hasn’t eWo fallen face-first into bankruptcy more than nine times?”

Rebel Fans: “Yes!”

Jake Norton: “Does any ‘homegrown’ wrestlers in eWo mean anything anywhere except at home?”

Rebel Fans: “No!”

Jake Norton: “Those two facts alone must mean eWo has major problems maintaining relevancy if they can’t keep production together longer than a few months. Hell, that’s embarrassing. But, hey, regardless of the zero-value people that make up whatever eWo was, Jonathan Cage beat someone, and he won the eWo title, therefore we must give him props!”

Mimicking Anna Mathew’s cheeky ‘golf clap’, Norton is suddenly caught off-guard after “The End is The Beginning is The End” starts playing! Though it doesn’t sound like it’s coming from the arena’s soundsystem? Realizing it’s coming from his jean shorts’ pocket, Norton’s left hand digs for the source; pulling out a cellphone.

Jake Norton: “Blah, how rude. Oh. Hey, what a coincidence? Let me take this call. One second, I promise. Hello, Fisher! .. Aye, I’m busy. Doing what? Why, cutting a promo on your boy! No, not Tony Edison. Not him, either. You give up? Jonathan Cage. Well, he says he’s your boy, blue. Yeah, I know, it was news to me too, since, you know, he said you were a failing, piece of shit earlier this year in UX. I know, Cage doesn’t really make sense. Yeah, I’ll let him know. Okay, I gotta finish this promo.”

Closing the phone lid shut, Norton drops it into his pocket whence it came.

Jake Norton: “John Fisher asks for you to stop associating yourself with him for heat, Cage. Besides, nobody really knows who that spaghetti-stuffing bastard is anyway. Which brings me full circle to that question I spoke of earlier; what challenge do I offer? It’s pretty big challenge; let me tell you, Cage. You want to fucking ride in on a high horse, slinging duel guns, wearing a golden star badge on your leather vest and a ten gallon hat to take away attention from your over-sized pumpkin head, yet, this silly fun image just won’t be the way we all look at you, space cowboy. You can’t fucking shoot, and you don’t know how to be truthful!”

Jumping backward off the second turnbuckle he’s stood on this entire time, Norton lands safely on the canvas and walks to another side.

Jake Norton:
“Everybody likes to shoot. Shooting is real cool, and these fans absolutely love it when people spit the truth because it’s so revealing. But, what truth is worth sharing? How does someone know what will captivate and manage to get themselves over? These are questions you should be asking yourself, Cage, instead of clinging to whatever nonsense you believe could work outside your ‘bubble boy’ mindset.

When Lisa Seldon reigned as REBEL World Heavyweight Champion, and she had to defend her title against some loser who proclaimed she’d lose to them because, hey, we all gotta fall off the mountain sometime, right? That might sound like a promising thought, but, reality of that is, Lisa, who was in her prime, kicking more ass than there was available to be kicked, didn’t have to do more than refer to the dozens of other Jabronis stacked in a mutilated 300esque pile behind her, and the challenging loser ended up joining that pile as well. You know why? That loser said or did nothing different than those dead losers behind Lisa.”

Giving people their due is so underrated.

Jake Norton:
“Point being, Jonathan, you are exactly like that faceless loser. You beat fucking Bobby Lee and arrive last week acting like you’re the Main Event. When these people know Bobby Lee, they know he’s not someone you can puff out your chest over, slick your hair back and do a nature boy strut. No, Cage, you need to fucking beat dudes who these fans hold in high regard. That’s how people take you seriously. They don’t care if you allegedly beat Lawrence Jarvis in an untelevised, unaccountable match for a defunct company’s top strap.

And I know the only reason you claim this is so you have an ounce of individuality to keep you from sounding and looking like just another guy. Why else would you boast? Just like how you wear face-paint and come out to Mudvayne, you think this look and sound is sooo alternative; counter-culture, even. Nope, you simply prove how desperate you are to be noteworthy, which is sad.”

A transcript of this promo would possibly read as if Norton’s sole goal is to just insult Jonathan, when in all actuality he comes across more so disappointed by Cage’s self-handling.

Jake Norton:
“Basically, everybody, Cage is having a hard time getting himself over. That’s why his last two matches were practically spoon-fed opponents. Bobby Lee is obviously shit and Johnny Maverick has fallen off so badly, dude may as well not bother showing. But this week? I’m his first actual challenge. I’m someone who has a lick of sense for this business. I understand you fans, and I know you want someone who’s competitive, who’s smart, and who can help the AoWF return to its dominant slot.

Look at Underground X. There is a promotion that tried to take a crack at taking AoWF’s high-ranking spot, and, let’s be honest; they might have become incredibly huge if not for their own self-deprecating madness. Now, Simon Kalis took advantage, and has eliminated the best competition AoWF has had in a long time. But who’s to say there won’t be others? AoWF is in a vulnerable position right now, because the talent is stale. They’re not leaders, they’re not entertaining, and they’re not even doing their fucking jobs: selling-out arenas!

That should be the first long-term success of any wrestler, just to put asses in seats, if nothing else. Can Jonathan Cage do that? Mister “I’ve Been In This Business Forever!” Cage? Be real, everybody. If Jonathan Cage were to be booked against Rob Robinson for the REBEL Heavyweight Championship, will any of you give a fuck? Will you rush to preorder tickets? No, you’ll likely find a stream on the internet, coz an event like that would be absolute rubbish.

This is why I am going to kill any momentum Jonathan Cage may have right now. He’s not fit to be a contender for any championship, thus I don’t want anyone to ever think he is. What Jonathan Cage needs to do is fuck off for a while, take off the face paint – this is not 80s America, go get some music advice from Marvin Wood, and, shit, while you’re at it, have Marvin Wood teach you a proper catch-as-catch-can technique. Coz your MMA skill is as good as Kimbo Slice.”

Damn, Norton. All this thu’um shouting!

Jake Norton:
“I’ve been watching PWA and TGW recently, and I’ve taken notice. I’m excited for the revolution. Adrian Kalis is right. Bitches like Jonathan Cage need to disappear. Cage, get out here so I can hide you under an orange flag, cunt!”

OH DAMN. Norton’s going to join the Orange Revolution!? He better win this damn match if he wants to join that.

Singles Match of Cancer

Jonathan Cage versus Jake Norton

Jenny Jersey: The following match is scheduled for one fall! Introducing first, already in the ring he stands in at 5 feet and 9 inches tall, weighing in at 153 pounds… He hails from…

Jenny looks up from her cue card to Norton. He motions her to keep reading.

Jenny Jersey: He hails from Mister Rogers Friendly Neighborhood! He is JAKE NORTON!!!!

The crowd has a mixed reaction for Norton, he stretches inside the ring with the ropes.

Jenny Jersey: And his opponent, he hails from Detroit, Michigan!

The lights dim as we hear some white noise over the PA system. Then as the white noise cuts out, a voice comes over the speakers.

“Wanna play a game?”

Then the lights come on instantly as “Forget to Remember” by Mudvayne blasts through the speakers. And standing at the top of the ramp is Jonathan Cage. He stares out at the crowd for a few moments before walking down to the ring. He slides in and goes to the far corner. He climbs and does his open hand crucifix pose for the crowd. He drops down as “Forget to Remember” fading away.

Jenny Jersey: Standing in at 6 feet and 6 inches tall! Weighing in at 235 pounds! “The Eternal” JONATHAN CAGE!!!!

DING DING DING

Both men begin circling the ring, Jake Norton sizing up Cage as Cage towers over him across the ring.

Linzi Martin: We’ve got a proverbial David versus Goliath match here tonight folks.

Larry Gordon: It does look like that. But Cage may be tall, but he is very lean and agile as well which is something I believe is a key ingredient to his incredible success throughout his illustrious career.

Norton moves in and hits a jab against Case, quickly jumping back and raising his fists in the air, playing up the crowd. He goes for another quick jab and again connects, Cage just missing him with a short arm clothesline. Norton again spins around, his arms in the air with fists clenched to the joy of the crowd. Norton taunts Cage and goes for another hit it and quit it jab attack but this time Jonathan Cage spears Jake Norton to the canvas and the crowd jumps up, the ring shudders from the impact. Cage with a springboard moonsault electrifies the crowd, quickly getting back to his feet. Cage lifts Norton up off the canvas and takes him right back down with an inverted DDT. He goes to the middle turnbuckle and goes for a diving elbow drop but Norton rolls out of the way.

Larry Gordon: Maybe if Jake focused on wrestling instead of coming on here and commentating he’d get his ass kicked less.

Linzi Martin: I prefer him, to be honest.

Norton back on his feet and taunts Cage, trying to rile him up while also playing to the crowd. A quick pendulum elbow cracks Cage hard, Norton with a spinning neckbreaker takes Cage down. Back to his feet Norton lifts Cage up by the hair this time, but Cage with a forearm smash gets loose of Norton and a low dropkick by Cage puts Norton back down. As Norton gets back to his feet Cage goes for his patented springboard roundhouse kick, Into The Light II! But Norton ducks under it safely and grabs Cage, PROCESS OF ILLUMINATION! Norton quickly covers!

1!

2!!

3!!!

DING DING DING

Jenny Jersey: The winner of this match, JAKE NORTON!

Norton quickly slides out of the ring and gives a big smile to the crowd. Cage sits up and looks out, shaking his head.

Fake Empire II

A second after viewers return from commercial break, “Game of Thrones Main Title” by Ramin Djawadi orchestrates through the soundsystem; assisting Wrestling’s Undisputed onto centre stage. Matching in style, both Undisputed Tag Team Champions are suited up in attire Barney Stinson would idolize. Little after arrival, Deicide raises a microphone he obtained backstage to his lips.

Deicide: “Last week, Simon Kalis booked ‘Golden Inferno’ against the Undisputed, and golden proved counterfeit whilst the flame dimmed by Wrestling’s Champions. We have eliminated one team from this unofficial tournament seeking to crown worthy champions to represent REBEL Pro against the big bad us. But, Simon Kalis, you need not to further your search for strong representatives. You now own Underground X, making us, Wrestling’s Undisputed, newly acquired talent. We have solved your champion dilemma. All you would have to do is recognize the gems Cesar and I hold as the Undisputed Tag Team Championships of REBEL Pro.”

Responding variously to Deicide’s suggestion, the crowd then watches Cesar receive the microphone from his partner.

Cesar Salazar: “While we will dearly miss Underground X, the animalistic and immoral promotion we helped built into the strange, indie phenomenon it’ll forever be seen as, Wrestling’s Undisputed doesn’t base its purpose around representing a mere company. We only bear the flag of tag team wrestling itself. Whichever promotion we find ourselves occupying simply reaps the benefits of claiming us as their champions. Here is an opportunity for you to be our cheerleader, Simon; to have REBEL Pro be our cherry-sweet girlfriend we’ll happily defend honorably and awesomely.”

Viewers at home can now distinguish a divide amongst tonight’s crowd, with some fancying Sal and Dei’s offer but others possibly finding them snotty.

Cesar Salazar: “We await your response, Simon. But this proposition isn’t the end of our segment, tonight. No, see, Deicide and myself have decided that, our small alliance could use some expansion. Especially since there is one other person in this crazy world of wrestling deserving to be acknowledged as someone Undisputed, too. Allow us this swell opportunity to introduce the third addition to our exclusive club. He is just like us.”

The lights in the building go out, and a buzz ripples through the crowd. After a few seconds of anticipation, a single light begins to pulse over the entranceway. A simple beat through the sound system syncs up with the pulse. It’s the opening to “Amazing (Heartbeats Remix)” by Kanye West. Some members of the REBEL audience recognize the tune, and a spark hits the arena. Suddenly, the lights come back on as Kanye’s lyrics hit, and Sean Robinson stands on the stage next to Salazar and Deicide. As always, he’s got that trademark Robinson smirk on his face, and as always, he gets a mixed reaction from the crowd. Some love him for his success in Underground X, but most hate him for his overall attitude as an arrogant asshole. He reinforces that second point now.

Sean Robinson: “Look at this audience here in Raleigh.”

A cheap pop for Robinson; what the hell is going on here?

Sean Robinson: “What a sorry collection of sister-fucking inbred.”

And he’s back to form and the crowd’s vulgar abuse rain down.

Sean Robinson: “No appreciation for greatness. No respect for their betters. That’s what I love about the REBEL crowd. You guys are just like me, aside from that whole sister-fucking thing. You don’t give a single fuck. See, I’m here in this company for one reason, and one reason only. I’m not here to preserve the legacy of Underground X. I’m not here because I need the money. I’m here for gold.”

Is he going to challenge for the tag titles with Deicide and Salazar? Will we see the return of the Freebirds Rule? Or maybe he’s going after Marvin Wood’s Aggression Championship…

Sean Robinson: “If there’s one thing that you fans need, it’s a solid dental plan with reasonable deductibles. Seriously, there are probably five full sets of teeth in this building.”

He really knows how to turn a crowd against him, doesn’t he?

Sean Robinson: “But if there are two things you need, the other one is a new champion. Someone who can represent the title appropriately: great technical ability, solid fundamental mat wrestling, and yes, the occasional chair shot. Aggression, that’s what a champion needs.”

It IS Marvin Wood’s title he wants, isn’t it?!

Sean Robinson: “But a champion needs more than just aggression. He needs to be… undisputed. He needs to be above all of the competition, with no doubt in anyone’s mind who the best in the business is. And as the longest-reigning Undisputed champ in Underground X history, I feel like I know what that means. But now I’m seeing a new challenge in front of me. I see another title, one that might even surpass the Undisputed belt in glory, given the right champion. And that champion just happens to be named Robinson.”

No way. He can’t be serious.

Sean Robinson: “Unfortunately for you, REBEL, the wrong Robinson is holding that belt right now. Don’t worry, I’m here to right the wrongs. So you want to know why I’m really here? I want a shot at The Phoenix.”

SEAN VERSUS ROB? ROBINSON VERSUS ROBINSON? BATTLE OF THE ROBBOS?

Sean Robinson: “Rob Robinson, I’m coming for you, nigga.”

The loud and vigorous reaction from tonight’s pumped crowd, accompanied by Linzi Martin and Larry Gordon selling the promo greatly, and Kanye West’s chart-topping tune, takes us into another commercial break.

Technically…

“Technically?”

Darkness, only the lights of the exit signs are lighting anything, and their glow barely reaches three feet in front of them and to either side. The crowd is a bit restless, their murmuring is loud in the darkness, imagine it to the sound of worms, beetles, and other decomposers burrowing into that of any unprotected grave. From the darkness someone begins to speak.

“Virgil Keenan…”

The voice is very recognizeable, it is that of Dale Petty/Bubba J. He begins a smoker’s laugh/cough combination.

“I’m sure that you are thinking that regardless of my name that I’m still the same old hardcore wrestler… excuse me… fighter and son, you’d be one hundred percent correct. You see, just because a name changes, it doesn’t mean that the person behind it changes, its just something for people to call you. Take Bobby Lee for instance, call him Virgil Keenan… and he’s still going to suck. Shadow Starr changed his name to Lucious Starr and he still sucks. Justin Case can come in here and call himself Ralph Keutor and he’s still going to be the worthless piece of shit that he is. In essence, my name has changed, but I’m still the baddest sumbitch that you are ever going to run across in this fed, in any fed, and in a few minutes… I’m going to prove that to you. I could say tick tock, but there is no way you’d hear the clock ticking over your own overinflated ego pumping you up and making you cock sure and proud.”

A flare in the darkness, a cigarette is lit as the lights seem to pause at sort of an ambiant light, not revealing much in the ring at all. Perhaps its even darker than that, because the shapes are only shapes.

“Inflate your balloon son, because its going to get popped just like a virgin’s cherry tonight… blood, pain, humiliation… all three are going to be in the package for the price of one defeat… your defeat Virgil.”

The sound of him exhaling is heard through the microphone, the crowd is now hushed.

“You can hate the hardcore aspect, because that is the way that you are; I don’t give a shit. Its like an opinion and they are just like assholes, every body has one. Am I going to tell you that your opinion is wrong?”

A slight pause.

“Nope, because that is exactly what you and everyone else is expecting me to do. I’m going to tell you that your opinion is just that, your opinion. Your wrestling, your technical wrestling, has gotten you a few things, hardcore fighting has gotten many other people many other things. I’m not going to say that I’m capable of out wrestling you, because I’m not able to; I admit that.”

He laughs.

“But at the same time, neither can you out fight me. In a paper bag, you’ll out wrestle me all day long… and I’ll knock that bag out of sight with a chair, a lead pipe, a C4 explosive… it doesn’t matter to me. You may be able to hold a pipe and get in some blows, you may even be able to swing a steel chair, but let me say… that I can do a headlock, an ankle lock, an Anaconda Vise… I can do some technical moves, but that doesn’t mean that I’m proficient with them. The same Virgil, goes for you and your hardcore ability.”

He takes a drag on the cigarette.

“Its not just a fighting style Virgil, its a lifestyle, its an art form, its what you have to do to survive… when you can’t technical wrestle.”

He laughs.

“I can’t really technical wrestle… but I can fight really damn good, I’ve had years of practice. You can tap a few skulls with a pipe, but I can make you bleed while you still think you’ve got a snowball’s chance in hell of making it out of the match with a win.”

Exhale.

“I can paint a masterpiece with both your blood and that of my own. I can make 3D pictures with both your flesh and that of my own. I can bring in an audio soundtrack with the screams of pain, the grunts of hurt, the gasps of breath, and the cheers of the fans. I can even bring in the sounds of your flesh being torn, the steel clanging against your skull, I can do all of that Virgil… not because I’m the best technical wrestler… but because I’m fuckawesome when it comes to hardcore fighting. I don’t just like it, I fucking love it.”

The crowd is whispering as he drags on the cigarette.

“You can say that hardcore isn’t art, but consider me Picasso when it comes to hardcore… I’m one of the best. You can say and believe all day long that hardcore gets you nowhere in this career. You can say that hardcore is nothing, but I’ve got one question for you Virgil before we face off later tonight…”

Lights flare up, three to be specific, they are trained on the following: 3 World Titles, 2 Tag Team Titles, 2 #1 Contender Cups, 2008 Best of the Best Tag Team plaque, 1 Global Championship, 1 PWA Tag Team Championship. Dale is no longer in the ring, his voice comes over the speakers still though.

“If hardcore isn’t legit, then how come I’ve got so many of these Championship belts, these plaques? Forget the ones outside of Rebel Pro for right now, focus in on the 3 Rebel Pro World Titles… how many of them do you have? Focus in on the 2 Rebel Pro Tag Team Championships… how many do you have? Focus in on the 2008 Best of the Best plaque, how many do you have? Focus in on the #1 Contender’s Cup, how many do you have?”

He laughs.

“Virgil, if hardcore isn’t legit, then where are all of your belts… technically?”

Laughter, fading to silence.

Because Virgin Keenan is a Cunt Match

Dale Petty versus Virgil Keenan

Just as the bell rings, Dale Petty comes stomping out, going right to the attack on Virgil, nailing him with a quick hook to the stomach. Virgil is unable to fight back from these body shots, making him drop to his knees, allowing a thirsty, violent legend to continue his damaging, battering him with softening blows to the back and neck region.

Pulling Virgil onto his feet, Dale strikes with some reckless headbutts, bashing himself against the glittery blue mask on Virgil’s bandaged face (that Anna Mathews match sure fucked him up), backing him into a nearby corner. In here, Dale maddeningly explodes with a flurry of jabs and occasional uppercuts, making sure Virgil is unable to move out of the cornered position! With gusto, Petty strongly whips Virgil across the ring, compelling him to slam violently into the opposite turnbuckles and follows after with a 250lb avalanche splash!

However, at the last second, Virgil slips through the ropes, out of the way! As result, Detty crashes chest-first against the upper turnbuckle, allowing for Virgil to jump off the apron and drop an elbow onto Dale’s upper spine, repeating this action six times! Up atop the turnbuckle, Virgil impressively lifts Dale Petty in order to drive forward into the canvas with a table-turning double underhook backbreaker!

Jake Norton: GOOD GAWD ALMIGHTY – DALE PETTY JUST GOT FUCKED BY AN ILLEGAL!

Linzi Martin: There’s NOTHING illegal about that! That is absolute redemption!

Larry Gordon: Alright, calm down, you two. It’s hard enough to call the match now that thousands of fans are screaming in joy.

Jake Norton: Somewhere backstage, Sean Robinson is chanting, “THIS IS WRESTLING”

Linzi Martin: God bless Sean Robinson.

Seven seconds later, Dale Petty isn’t a fan of this game-changer, though, as he hurriedly jets off the mat like a bear, going for a one-armed swinging neckbreaker. Sweating heavily, Virgil slips out of Dale’s meaty arm and sprints into the corner, instantaneously springing off the ropes and a flying uppercut knocks Dale onto his back! Right away, a rejuvenated Virgil Keenan cross presses Dale, going for a count, however, the second the referee strikes the mat for a one-count, Dale muscles Virgil off him, pushing him overhead!

Virgil goes right back on the attack, trying to keep the much larger man down and out, wanting to immobilize his strength factor. Despite the midsection kneeing and hand stomps, Dale Petty pushes his way to his feet, shrugging off the methodical strategy and grabs Virgil by the neck for some choking! In a second, Virgil swats Dale’s rough bear claws away, only to deliver a dropkick to the chest of Dale, which knocks him back a few steps. Popping back up, Virgil delivers a second dropkick, which sends Dale against the ropes, still on his feet!

Bouncing off the opposite set of ropes, Virgil comes storming back, hoping to take Dale down. But still very intact mentally, Dale ducks down, scoop lifting Virgil, hoping to send him airborne and drop him to the floor via release powerbomb. Luckily for the masked technician, he is able to pull Dale over-the-top-rope via hurricanrana! Landing safely on the ring apron, allowing him to dive off onto a rising Dale with an elbow drop, Petty is sent face-first into the concrete! Returning to the apron once more, just like the last elbow drop, Virgil dives off and hits Dale, who, unlike last time, is not stirring.

Larry Gordon: Those two elbow drops have made Dale look like silly putty.

Jake Norton: And Virgil didn’t need to use a half-nelson suplex to accomplish that this time!

Shoving Dale into the ring, Virgil sighs deeply before following his prone opponent. Three leg lariats later, Dale Petty rocks on the canvas in pain. Comfortable with this, Virgil pulls Dale up by his ears, spits in his face for some good heat from the audience, and then knees Dale directly in his jaw! Falling backward dramatically, Dale is covered by Virgil, but refuses to let Virgil pick up the victory! Sort of surprised by this, Virgil doesn’t hesitate to execute a rolling senton! Trying once more for a pin, again, it’s unsuccessful.

Watching Dale rise into a knelt position, Virgil charges forward to knee strike his baldheaded ass in the backside, but Dale ducks! Virgil staggers forward into the turnbuckle, turns around to eat a random kick to the groin, and take a ride to trailer trash park!

Jake Norton: STUNNER! STUNNER!

Linzi Martin: Seated three-quarter facelock jawbreaker!

Larry Gordon: Dale shoots for the cross!

Ah hell yeah! Dale Petty hooks the leg, and as the fans cheerfully sing-a-long with the referee, three counts are made, declaring Dale Petty the winner!

Watch The Throne

Backstage, Scottie Snow is standing guard outside a door with a nameplate that reads “The Phoenix” on it. He’s once again wearing his all white suit and stands at attention, seemingly ready to attack. This is not the Scottie Snow the AOWF is used to. Moments later, three men in hooded robes approach the door and Scottie nods, then lets them in.

Inside the room, the Phoenix is sitting on a very elaborate chair. A throne, if you will. His AOWF World title belt is set on a display stand next to him. The REBEL Pro World title is tossed carelessly on the ground.

The Phoenix: This… this is not a position I wanted to be in. It makes me physically sick to have to be known as the champion of a shit hole like REBEL Pro. But fate has stepped in my path and showed me a different route to my destination.

The Phoenix: This week I face a woman I’ve fought so many times in the past. And really, she is the very embodiment of everything that’s wrong with the AOWF today. What better way to continue my chain of destruction? I was going to take down the PWA first, but maybe this is better. After all, why should REBEL Pro get to stick around long enough to see the demise of the PWA? I started with Jethro Hayes and once I tore down the PWA’s favorite blood bag, why not make an example of a person that has no business setting foot in the ring, let alone in the ring with me.

The Phoenix: The key word there is “example”. I’ve got a request for the three of you tonight. I couldn’t care less about winning or losing in this company. What I do care about is making sure that after we’re done this evening that the entire world knows what is going to happen to the rest of the AOWF.

The hooded men nod as a grin spreads across the Phoenix’s face.

A Sea of Orange(or whatever)

We open to a sea of orange. Or is it oranges? We can’t tell and honestly, it doesn’t matter. What does matter is the two puppets in the life raft. One is a wannabe ninja while the other is Scottish as fuck. They salute the camera like dueling epileptics.

PuppetMasa: Muffle muff muffle muff uffle uf!

There’s a crooked grin from the OMGSpectre thing. But that’s all he can do with his head being made out of a pumpkin.

PuppetDyce: Take off your scarf, lad. They can’t hear ya.

A slight glance at said contraption causes many facepalms. It comes down forcefully.

PuppetMasa: Thanks. I really don’t need to sound like PuppetTeresa.

PuppetTeresa: WINS INNER WINS!

That gibberish seems to be coming from the pirate ship that snuck up from behind. The twosome look up to see a long telescope looking at the inflated bath toy. A rope dangles from the side and down comes PuppetLisa. She unleashes all the kicks, forcing the Adrian thing to swim in all that Vitamin C.

PuppetLisa: Attention, fucknuggets! Pay no mind to these cunts. The Alliance is just how it should be: dying at the hands of my greatness and your apathy. Be like Virgil Keenan and whine about life. Cry like little babies as I win all your titles. No-show a card because you lost a match.

Extreme close up.

PuppetLisa: I abort all your oranges!

The Seldonganger snatches an orange, snags a silly straw and proceeds to do just that. PuppetDyce gawks at her as a cloud of pixie dust appears.

PuppetLiza: Well, at least she’s not trying to kill herself.

Laddy looks over… and does a double take.

PuppetDyce: What the-

The magician sniffs his head.

PuppetLiza: You smell nice.

…We better get back to something normal before this turns into a fetish film. QUICK!

Non-Title Match: REBEL Pro World versus REBEL Pro Aggression Champion BONANZA!

The Phoenix versus Anna Mathews

The Phoenix locked Anna Mathews up right away to hold her down, knowing full well her tendency to go high flying. Phoenix with a hip toss takes Anna down. She’s back up, he follows it up with a short arm clothesline on the new Aggression Champion. Anna Mathews won’t go down though and she’s right back up, right into a spinning backbreaker from The Phoenix. Phoenix shrugs off the boos he gets every time he manages any sort of offense at all. Really, the REBEL fans boo him for every breath he takes. But his dominance doesn’t stop as Anna Mathews gets lifted up to her feet by her neck and hair by The Phoenix, who then takes her back down with a DDT. The REBEL Champion covers!

1!

2!!

KICK OUT!

Anna kicks out, of course. Phoenix doesn’t relent, lifting her back to her feet but now Anna with a well-placed elbow puts a stop to all this Robinson nonsense. Another, this time a headspring back elbow that knocks The Phoenix flat on his ass. Anna springboard moonsault now, and she’s right back to her feet with the crowd rejuvenated and cheering her on. Anna bounces off the ropes, leg drop connects. Phoenix crawls away and gets to his feet. Anna rushes at him but Phoenix bends forward and then as she jumps his back he lifts and throws her out of the ring. He puts his hands on his knees, bending forward and shaking his head. As he turns around however, he finds Anna was on the apron and she jumps up onto the top rope and hits a springboard drop kick that wows the crowd. She covers!

1!

2!!

KICK OUT! THE PHOENIX KICKS OUT!

Anna Mathews looks to continue her offensive now but as Phoenix gets to his feet, a short arm clothesline puts an end to those hopes for Anna. He locks in a Texas cloverleaf and wrenches the submission on Anna. She holds her head, shaking it no that she won’t quit even as The Phoenix continues to wrench the hold with a huge grin behind that stupid mask of his. Anna Mathews manages to reach for the bottom rope, but The Phoenix maintains the hold knowing even though a tap out now wouldn’t count he can still continue to do as much damage as possible. Finally relenting he lets go and steps forward, raising two arms in the air to the annoyance of the sold out crowd. Anna gets on her knees, still in pain. Phoenix turns and goes to give her a big boot to the face and send her to hell but she grabs his leg and quickly does the Mandala hineri which electrifies the crowd. She’s still in pain and shows it but as Phoenix gets to his feet, ANNA WITH THE BOOMERFLY KICK! SHE QUICKLY COVERS!

1!

2!!

3!!!

NO! Three men in hoods break the count and begin savagely beating down Anna Mathews. She can’t protect herself from the total onslaught as Phoenix gets to his feet and climbs the top rope. The Ashes! His top rope elbow drop crushes Anna’s chest cavity in and he hooks the legs.

1!

2!!

3!!!

DING DING DING

The Phoenix gets to his feet and quickly the ring gets pelted with garbage by fans at front row pissed off at what just happened. The three hooded men nod to The Phoenix, as he raises the AoWF and REBEL Pro world titles high. Anna Mathews rolls out of the ring and clutches her sides, as we fade to the asshole The Phoenix…

QUICK RESULTS

Justin Case defeats Jeremy Gold
Marvin Wood defeats Johnny Maverick
Jake Norton defeats Jonathan Cage
Anna Mathews defeats Marvin Wood to become the new Aggression Champion
Dale Petty defeats Virgil Keenan
The Phoenix defeats Anna Mathews

Underground X: Blacklist #42

 

Underground X: Blacklist #42

A Final Dosage of Alba & Co.

It’s hard thinking of a way to formally announce this is the final transcript I will ever write for Underground X fans, because I’ve never been appropriately formal. Yes, I’m way more so than my colleague, Kevin Holiday. Still, X’erground is a subgenre within an already subculture; meaning we’re a relaxed bunch of general politically incorrect, vulgar and exploitive bastards, which is likely why our ship is wrecked.

Even so, admittedly, a lump clogs my throat, not because I’m out of a job, though that is shitty, but I really do love this promotion. If my life were a book, this past wonderful year would undoubtedly fill several chapters full of hilarity, attitude and classics. It was quite the consumer of my pathetic life.

But these transcripts are part of me, in a way, if you think of them as journal entries for my weekly adventures in pro wrestling commentary. I take pride in these, and so, refuse to let Kevin Holiday be the last known publisher of the Blacklist. For selfish reason, I nostalgically write the following, and hope you understand the truly ironic deliverance of Underground X’s abrupt finale.

Starting off with a Bang!

The projector screen comes to life to show Macca sitting in the car park of the UX Warehouse in his shitty old van/home. Unlike the usual shit eating smirk that we are accustomed to, however, the Cuntster has a look of complete seriousness on his face.

Macca:
Way to no sell what I did last week, Sal! Champion vs. Champion? I dumped your piece of shit title in a bin in this very car park last week, remember? No, you probably don’t, because unless it suits your grand designs, you tend to just ignore what everyone around you says.

Standing up, Macca begins to roam the rows of cars in the UX arena as he continues to speak.

Macca:
And don’t think that nobody has seen what you have done here. You have put me in a match with a fucking terrorist; the man that – because of his actions – has put us out of an arena and has even killed some people. A man that you should have instantly fired, if not suspended! Is this your answer to getting rid of me, Sal? Hope that your champion literally kills me off?

Macca finally stops walking and brings up a large bottle of spirits with a rag that is sticking out from the top.

Macca:
You know what this tells me, Sal? That you actually enjoyed the carnage that The Mainerishi rained down upon us, two weeks ago. What the fuck is wrong with you? Well, if you like fire and explosions, then you’re sure to like this.

Grabbing for his back pocket, Macca produces a small Zippo lighter, which he uses to light the rag in the spirits bottle.

Macca:
This is called a Molotov cocktail, ladies and gents, but you all probably already know this, HOWEVER -

Macca takes a step back and lets the camera focus in a very classy and expensive looking vintage car.

Macca:
– what the fans probably don’t know is that this car right here is a Jaguar E type. Widely classified as one of, if not the greatest cars in the world, and let me tell you, they can cost a pretty penny. Salvatore D’Aquila, however, would probably know this better as ‘my car’. Since our esteemed boss seems to like expensive cars, fires and explosions, I thought, why not give him a present by combining all three?

And with a flick of the wrist, the cocktail flies through the air before smashing the passenger side window of the car and lighting up the interior. Flames explode into the air before settling back down. The whole interior of the car has lightened up, and doesn’t look like it plans to go out any time soon.

Macca:
Here’s the deal, D’Aquila! You try and pull your mind game bullshit again and I will start doing much, much worse than this. You put that terrorist back in a ring and you don’t even make it for the title? Blow it out your ass! Tonight I’ll end your champion, softening him up for Robbo, and after I have taken him out, I’ll be coming after you! Cheers that, cunts!

Macca walks out of the shot as the picture zooms in on the burning interior of the Jaguar before fading to black.

Singles
Serious v. Funny
Reece Paxton
vs.
Jack McHammer

- In his debut match, former REBEL Pro veteran, Jack McHammer, crosses over to take on established UX wrestler, Reece Paxton. While McHammer has many pros going for him, amongst those being a healthy body, for starters, Paxton enters looking deathly ill. Why? If you’ve not yet heard about the baffling drive-by shooting (that term doesn’t justify the outrageous firepower the mysterious attackers used on Paxton) you’d only need to see his bandaged right arm and left leg, where two (cleansed) bullet wounds set camp, as proof of his utter willpower and foolishness. He should not be competing tonight, but despite doctor’s orders, and thanks to Salvatore’s disgusting encouragement, Paxton is marching out like a vanguard soldier.

- Jumping enzuigiri immediately out of the gate, McHammer blasts Paxton, who walked up the steel steps and came onto the apron, thus sending him face-first into the apron and falling sideways off onto the concrete below, dramatically! Not only in pain for his aching face, but the awkward landing also cranked the hurt on his damaged limbs. Rocking like a cradle on the ground, an unprepared Paxton receives one diving fist drop from the top turnbuckle by McHammer! Right after, McHammer slips his hand beneath the apron and pulls out – for the love of gawd – a frying pan! Slamming the pan against Paxton, Reece fortunately blocks the first few shots with his forearm, though that can’t be pleasant. Two jabs to the chin by Paxton successfully compel McHammer to retreat into the ring.

Following inside with the same frying pan, Paxton is caught under several stomps, but pushes up onto his feet, regardless. Although punched multiple times in the face, when Paxton swung the metallic pan, the impact forced McHammer to stagger backward into a nearby turnbuckle! Leaping into the turnbuckle with a shoot kick, McHammer should’ve fallen forward but Paxton’s bombardment of nastier kicks ruled Jack pitifully. Afterward, a super kick (McHammer’s own signature) sends McHammer over-the-top-rope, with Paxton’s slingshot body splash serving Jack straightforward.

Fans plead for Paxton to bring the fight into the crowd, so he courteously does! Punching McHammer along the way over, Paxton lifts Jack and drops him testicle-first onto the guardrail! Elbowing Jack thrice on the backside of his skull, Paxton then easily guides McHammer through a few rows of fans and onto the bleachers. Scoop slamming Jack onto a cleared row, a dazed McHammer makes Paxton’s next maneuver both easier and crazier: a belly-to-belly suplex over the RAILING! FUCK! McHammer broke like a watermelon!

Skipping two minutes later, Paxton manages to bring Jack back to ringside via whippings with some fan’s leather belt! Escaping a slash by climbing over the guardrail, a bloody-back McHammer picks up the frying pan from earlier and smashes it against Paxton’s forehead, busting his eyebrow wide open! Paralyzed by the headshot, Paxton allows McHammer to double underhook DDT him into the concrete! Shoving Paxton inside the ring, McHammer ascends the turnbuckle once more to drop another diving fist, but this time into Paxton’s spine! Rolling Paxton over and hooking the leg, McHammer gets the – NO! A kickout!

Pulling Paxton onto his feet by his hair, McHammer wants to take Paxton on a mustache ride (last ride powerbomb) but Reece doesn’t like plunges. Instead, Paxton takes McHammer on a ride of tilt-a-whirl headscissors! Getting onto his knees soon as possible, McHammer unfortunately rushes into a headstand dropkick, sending him onto the canvas again! Like any bloodthirsty predator, Paxton applies a crippler crossface neckcrank that submits McHammer after twelve grueling seconds!

- The warehouse echos with Rush’s “Farcry” as the crowd cheers for Reece Paxton, the ref raises his uninjured arm in victory while he holds his other bloody shot up arm close to his chest, red in the face and panting he looks out to the crowd for a few seconds before turning to the outside of the ring and reaching for a patented UX Microphone.

Reece Paxton: “If you don’t read the tabloids, or you’ve been living under a rock, I was shot twice in the arm and leg by unknown assailants… my red 1967 chevy impala was blown to bits by a Rocket Propelled Grenade… I was the target for an act of domestic terrorism…”

He cracked a bit of a grin.

Reece Paxton: “luckily I was only grazed once, and the other was a through and through… so really, I should be at home, my arm should be slung… and I should be healing, sitting at home, watching UX as a fan…”

He looked at his hand that was dripping blood at his feet.

Reece Paxton: “But you know, I wouldn’t be able to sit there on my couch in the great white north… watching The Blacklist… and seeing Simon Kalis’s smug fucking grin, knowing he got the better of me…”

He went silent for a moment.

Reece Paxton: “Yeah… don’t ask me how I know… but while dealing with scum like him, I’ve learned to follow my gut feeling… and my gut is telling me that black fucking cyclops had something to do with it… its way to convenient for his Son’s lover and his stunning daughter to be in Las Vegas… distracting me with her magnificent breasts… and all I can think is “Shit if Rape were legal.”… and wouldn’t you know it, as soon as they drive off, terrorists open fire, kill poor willy, a homeless man that shielded me… unknowingly… from a hail of bullets… and the puppy I bought for my niece… there was nothing left of the poor guy…”

He shook his head.

Reece Paxton: “I fucked with Simon Kalis, I didn’t just poke the bear, I took a hot iron rod and jabbed it into his ass, but Simon knows, he’s not stupid… when we met in the ring, it took four of his cronies to knock me out… he knows he can’t meet me head on and win, so instead he hides beside gangs and acts of terrorism to try and take me down, to try and scare me, because he knows he can’t beat me.”

He looked out into the crowd with an almost sadistic grin.

Reece Paxton: “I could be wrong… maybe its the ultra passion movement just trying to fuck with the roster… maybe it was the Bloods, maybe they think I’m a Crip. The fact of the matter is, who ever did the job did a terrible job, cause I’m still standing here, I still wrestled tonight, and I still win.”

He held up his bloody hand.

Reece Paxton: “and I’ll still be here next week.”

“Farcry” by Rush hits the speaker as Reece drops the mic in the ring, walking out, still holding his bloody hand up high.

That Shit Cray

We fade to outside The Warehouse. A black BMW X5 is at the center of a large motorcade, with both police and private security. There is a large Yukon XL at its front, and at its back while being flanked by two police motorcycles at the front of the motorcade itself, and two police motorcycles at its back. As the motorcade comes to a stop, two men from each of the Yukon XL’s step out and open the passenger side door to the BMW X5. Out steps Simon Kalis, adjusting his black and red pinstripe Armani suit as he steps forward and takes note of the UX cameras. From the driver’s side door, Maya steps out and rushes over to her dad. Their security guards flank them as they begin moving forward. Simon puts his arm out, his elbow cocked and Maya snuggles up to her dad. She smiles for the camera.

Maya: They’ve come to greet us, dad.

Simon grunts, his jaw still wired shut after the vicious attack by Reece Paxton.

Maya: See I know what you fags are thinking. The Kalis family is pussy. I mean God, look at all the security! Big, handsome white men in suits! Sexy uniforms flanking us as we drive through Vegas.

Simon grunts again, shaking his head.

Maya: But you’re all fucking savages! You’ve got motherfuckers blowing up arenas, people doing drive bys, and worst of all you’ve got legions of virgins tuning in each and every week to see Marina Blue get fucked in the ass by a stapler. Savages and virgins are the only idiots that watch this shit. When the day comes that the two halves of the UX Fanbase meet, we’re likely to have people grabbing my cunt and trying to rape me in a locker room shower scene.

Maya smiles, Simon chuckles kinda sorta. Fucking jaw. Security of course keeps an eye out all around them.

Maya: See this doesn’t happen where we come from. You know, the AoWF. REBEL Pro. The civilized world. How else do you have psychopaths like the Ultra Passion Movement able to run freely in UX? It’s scary. UX is fucking Baghdad, and REBEL Pro is America. And nobody likes Iraq. But everyone wants to be America. And because of the brutal savagery of these wastelands called UX, my dad here got viciously attacked by Reece Paxton leaving him unable to compete.

Maya gives her dad a peck on the cheek, awwww.

Maya: But see we’re not savages. Sure people in REBEL Pro get their face grated or get DDT’d into C4 explosives, but we never experienced terrorism. And on behalf of my father Simon Kalis, and all of REBEL Pro, we would like to personally give our condolences to all those who lost their lives and were injured. And we do not say this with just words, our family has pledged one million dollars to a charity fund we’ve started for the victims of the UPM and UX awfulness. Go online and donate, and the Kalis family will also match every dollar donated by the public!

Simon nods respectfully. Maya opens her jacket and shows a black t-shirt that says “#UXTragedyFund” on it.

Maya: Get it trending on twitter people! Join the Facebook group! Allow us REBELs to enlighten the dark age denizens of the X’erground both inside and outside the ring! And that’s where we come to this week. Here to team up with Jonathan Cage against the Dirty Joke, Allen Chaney and Marina Blue. And let’s be real folks. We all know what’s gonna fucking happen. This is why these idiots had to leave the AoWF, because they’re boring and repetitive. I’m sure what you’ll find is Marina Blue finding herself in a brand new situation involving her getting a fist shoved up the abyss she calls her vagina while cutting a promo where no one gives a fuck what she’s saying. No one watches Marina Blue for her shoot ability or her in ring talent, people watch her to see her get fucked which she’s really, really good at! Inside, AND outside of the ring!

Maya plays at lifting her shirt up, Simon nudges her.

Maya: Pfft. Anyone can have sex appeal, you know?

Maya lifts her shirt up to reveal she is braless. Simon IMMEDIATELY steps away in disgust as he cringes, walking right into the arena and shaking his head. Maya stands there momentarily, her small yet perky breasts mesmerizing you fucking virgins who watch UX.

Maya: And if Allen can find his monster dick under that gut, I’m sure he’s hard too!

She puts her shirt back down.

Maya: Which brings us to him. Here’s how it’ll go with Allen Chaney! He’ll start his promo off likely at a comedy club where everyone is busy drinking away their misery, not actually caring about any of his jokes. Then he’ll come and talk about how he just wants to kick ass, which he’s not too good at. He’ll say that he doesn’t like the AoWF Gods whom he tried escaping from, when LAWL YOU CAN’T ESCAPE DEITIES SILLY ALLEN.

Maya palms her face.

Maya: There’s no creativity here. There’s little substance, what you have with Dirty Joke is repetitive juvenile bullshit each and every week with subpar wrestling skills. What I’m bringing is what my bloodline is known for. Grit. Stamina. Talent. Winning ability each and every single week a Kalis steps into the ring. And with the great Jonathan Cage by my side? I ain’t too worried right now. People don’t laugh when they see us, they nod in respect. And we don’t get fucked.

Maya thrusts a few times and smirks.

Maya: We do the fucking. What we’re bringing is not only a contrast to the terrorists and amateur pornstar comedians the UX finds itself in bed with. We’re bringing talent, we’re bringing genuine wrestling back to UX. And sure we may do some batshit crazy shit on the way, but ya gotta have fun doing what you’re doing! See ya soon dolls.

Maya winks and walks into the arena, surrounded by the other half of the security team that didn’t enter the warehouse with Simon since fuck these terrorist scum. Yeah!

Fish & Veggies

“So, you’re a presbyterian?” asks Johnny while driving.

“Pescatarian” says Allen.

“Oh, what does that mean?”

“It means I’m a vegetarian now but I can eat fish.” Says Allen.

“Oh, alright.” says Johnny.

Allens phone rings, he puts it on speaker.

“Hello?”

“Allen, it’s Brad. How are you going to wrestle?”

“Um…what?” asks Allen.

“Yeah, I just read on twitter that you’re a pacifist now?”

“Pescatarian. New diet.” says Allen, matter-of-factly.

“Oh. Hang on, Sean wanted to ask you something.” says Brad, we hear the phone being handed over to someone.

“Hello? Hey Allen. Man, this is a huge lifestyle change.” says Sean.

“Yeah well, I need to lose weight. There’s no getting around it.” says Allen.

“So, are you going to ride in cars at all? How do you feel about bicycles now that you’re a strict pedestrian?” asks Sean. Allen groans, Johnny is laughing behind his hand. We hear the phone switching hands again.

“Hey man, so I hear you’re a pedophile now.” says another voice.

“I fucking hate you guys.” syas Allen. He hangs up.

“We’re all just fucking with you, man. Why are you so on edge?” says Johnny.

“I could have died in a terrorist attack and Simon Kalis had a guy shot with a grenade launcher.” says Allen.

“Yeah, that sounds like Simon.” says Johnny, shrugging.

“I haven’t been talking about it because I know if I thought about it hard enough I’d get the fuck out of this company forever. I came here because I thought things would be less complicated. Yeah, there’s less backstage political horseshit but… I mean in RXW I never thought I might get fucking shot ya know? I can hang with anyone in the ring, I’m confident of that but….it’s like the ring is the only place I feel safe anymore in UX. Last week I won, I got my shit and I got the fuck out of there. Hell, if I had been feeling a little more social I probably would have been in the building when it went down. That Mainerishi guy… someone has to put a stop to him and everyone like him. Like Sociopath and…”

“And Simon Kalis?” asks Johnny.

“Yeah, and him. I don’t know if he’ll ever learn a lesson but…I’d absolutely love being the guy to teach one to him. Him and anyone else who is hooked on his kool-aid.” says Allen, he takes a sip of his water.

“I suggest sleeping with his daughter.” says Johnny.

“To get in his head?”

“No, because you need to relax and she’s a good ride.”

“No thanks. I don’t dip my wick in crazy. Not after a bunch of my comics got lit on fire.”

“Fair enough.” Johnny says, shrugging.

“Man, I really do hope Simon is there though. I just want to look him right in the eyes when I beat two of his best. I want him to just… I want him to instantly wrap his head around the monster he’s unleashed.” says Allen.

“And hope he doesn’t have a grenade launcher.” says Johnny, turning to Allen and giving a big cheesy smile.

“Right….that too. If he brings a gun he had better hope he hits me, otherwise I’ll jam the thing right up his ass and give him an enema he’ll never forget.”

“Sheesh, I had no idea you Episcopalians were so violent.” Johnny says, before smirking.

“Oh fuck you.” says Allen as Johnny drops him off at the UX Arena. Allen grabs his bag and steps out. He sees an expensive car pass by and he eyes it warily before stepping in the arena back entrance.

Rich’s Rasslin’ Round Table

We open on a small set with four people sitting in chairs facing each other in a circle.

Rich: Hello and welcome to Rich’s Rasslin’ Roundtable. I’m your host, Rich Lawrence. Joining me today are three very exciting up-and-coming wrestling talents from three of the biggest wrestling promotions in the country. To my right is a man who lights up True Glory Wrestling with his talents on the mic as well as in the ring, give it up for the funky one, FUNK DOGG!

Funk Dogg tries to look badass.

Rich: To his right is the woman to claims to be the true queen of hardcore, she rose to fame in Rebel-Pro but now she represents Underground X. Give it up for MARINA BLUE!

Marina smiles and blows the viewer a kiss.

Rich: Finally we have the man who dares to call himself an Emperor; he is one of the superstars of the Pioneer Wrestling Association, EMPEROR IAN!

Ian takes a chip out of the bag he’s holding and shoves it in his mouth. He weakly waves hi at the camera.

Rich: Well it’s great to have you all here. There have been some crazy things going on in the world of wrestling recently, and I’d love to hear your thoughts about them.

Marina: You mean like the UX arena bombing?

Rich: Exactly.

Funk Dogg: Yeah man, I heard about the shit. That was fucked up.

Marina: No kidding.

Ian: I don’t get it, if everyone knows the Manerishi -

Marina: Mainerishi.

Ian: Whatever, the point is everyone knows he’s responsible for this act. And yet he’s not in jail and he’s still wrestling for the company. What the fuck is that all about?

Marina: Well unfortunately, there’s no evidence that he was involved in planning the act.

Ian: So what? The American government goes after people all the time who have far less on them then this guy does. For Christ sakes, those were his henchmen that were apprehended. Maybe that’s not enough to lock him away in San Quentin, but at the very least you can place him in custody.

Marina: Well obviously they can’t.

Ian: Maybe not in bullshit wrestling world, but in the real world his commune would be raided, his ass would be tasered, and he and the rest of his goons would be taken away by a swat team.

Marina: Ian, this is the real world.

Ian: Yes of course it is. Anyway, maybe Obama will have a sniper go in and pick him off. The way this month has been going he may need an October surprise.

Funk Dogg: Man fuck that Obama, lettin in homos in the army and shit.

Marina: Real mature, asshole.

Ian: Who’re you for; Romney?

Funk Dogg: Hell no, I’m voting for Ron Paul. He’s gonna legalize weed man.

Ian and Marina share a look.

Rich: OK guys, that’s enough politics. Let’s continue with the topic of the UX attack. How did you guys feel about the reaction of the company and its talent?

Marina: The company did a shit job I feel. It’s obvious the only thing the powers that be care about is their wallets. God forbid they would let a minor thing like mass murder interrupt their schedule. Not to mention not only keeping the Mainerishi on the roster but also allowing him to remain champion. Not that the titles really matter in situations like this.

Ian: I thought the show was great the way the roster completely downplayed the situation in favor of hyping their own stupid feuds and worthless belts. I’d expect shit like that from Simon Kalis, possibly the most self-absorbed man I’ve ever met. But that old one-eyed fucker wasn’t even there. I’d like to think he was busy coming up with the $500K he owes me, but I know better.

Rich: Wait, what?

Marina: It’s nothing. Kalis offered that sum for info on the whereabouts of Matthew Engel, and Ian found some guy with the same name.

Ian: Which still counts. He didn’t specify which Matthew Engel he wanted info on.

Funk Dogg: Give it up bro.

Ian: Anyway, I thought Marina had the right idea, of getting the fuck outta there. She doesn’t need that place. She can come to PWA and tag with me. I know Lisa Seldon likes her, especially after defeating Riona Langly that one time.

Funk Dogg: No way man, she should join TGW and tag with me.

Marina: I could do both, if I wanted too.

Ian: Yeah, but you let those two plants talk you into staying, didn’t you?

Marina: Plants?

Ian: Come on, two fans somehow got backstage, despite all the security in that building? A

little convenient, huh?

Marina: Eh well anyway I’m giving it a little more effort. I think Allen and I have the makings of a good team.

Ian: Whoopy freakin do.

Marina: Sorry if I actually care about my career a little bit. I guess you think it’s so fucking cool to not give a fuck.

Ian: I don’t give a fuck if it’s cool to not give a fuck. It doesn’t matter to me what happens to the other jackoffs in this stupid fucking so-called sport. All I give a fuck about is my fuckin paycheck. I ain’t fuckin returning to sleeping in my car.

Marina: You do know that TMB has offered you a shot at his AOWF IC title, right?

Ian: Yes. I am so fucking thrilled to have a chance to claim this fucking prestigious treasure as my very own. I can’t wait to be immortalized with the likes of…

He pulls out his smartphone and looks up something.

Marina: So we just wait -

Ian: Hold on.

He continues to fidget with it.

Rich: While we’re waiting, why don’t we discuss something else?

Funk Dogg: We can talk about the lovely sweet luscious Breanne Cayden.

Marina: She’s not into you, Dogg, leave her alone.

Funk Dogg: My mind is tellin me no, but my body, my body’s tellin me yes.

Marina: A shot of mace to the eyes would tell you no.

Ian: OK shut up guys, I found it. I can’t wait to be immortalized with the likes of Mark Haydn, Abunai, and November. Household names all of them.

Marina: That may be, but should you actually put effort in and somehow win this match, you’ll make more money. Titles aren’t just for bragging rights, there is monetary value attached.

Ian: No shit Marina. If I work harder, I’ll earn more.

Funk Dogg:He doesn’t want to work, he just wants to drink beer and smoke weed.

Ian: Shut up Mitch.

Rich: Alright guys settle down. I’m afraid that’s all the time we have tonight. I wanna thank you three all for coming.

Funk Dogg: It’s only been like five minutes.

Rich: And a fun five minutes it’s been. Thank you and goodnight.

The lights dim as the four continue chatting.

Tag Match: UX vs REBEL!

Dirty Joke(Marina Blue & Allen Chaney) versus The REBELs(Jonathan Cage & Maya Kalis) w/Simon Kalis

- Like all Underground X tag matches, we do things tornado style. All four members are in-ring at once, but it’s Allen Chaney who opens the battle by spearing Maya like a rhinoceros! In the meantime, Jonathan Cage avoids several stiff yet various kicks (savate, shoot, roundhouse, and axe) and counters with a vertical suplex. Attempting to lock in a Kimura, Cage cannot control Maya well enough, so she escapes but not without mule kicking Jonathan in the mouth! “I hope this means Cage can’t talk about Fisher for a while” Oh, come on, Kevin. It’s not that bad.

- Chaney may have more hatred for Simon but Maya’s blood connection to the Kalis apparently suffices tonight as a suitable replacement. Headbutting Maya four times, Chaney then gutwrench powerbombs Maya smackdown in front of Simon, who wears a scowl. Enjoying this embarrassment Maya is undergoing, Chaney knees Maya once in the face, elbows the nape of her neck, then lifts her onto his shoulders, heads toward the ropes, and tosses her over-the-top, to the outside, where she drops into Simon’s arms; the high velocity forces them both to collapse onto the cement messily! “Too bad Chaney became a faggoterian, otherwise he could’ve ate those dead dicks.” Don’t try so hard, Kevin.

- Sidewalk slam (Allen Chaney) plus an inverted leg drop bulldog (Marina Blue) ceases Cage’s movement momentarily. Long enough for Marina to hold a prone Cage’s legs apart as Allen jumps off the top turnbuckle to hit a diving headbutt into Cage’s scrotum! “That’s what’s up” Kevin affirms. Applying a cross press, Marina nearly gets the three, but Maya’s slingshot corkscrew disrupts! Landing on Marina’s head, Maya sidelines her for a minute, leaving only Allen to receive a frontal and side thrust kick into a – what Kevin Holiday calls – Cleveland Bus Uppercut! Knocking Allen onto his ass, Maya figuratively decapitates the comedian as if he were a jack-in-the-box when Allen tried attacking but ended up swallowing a Spartan kick to the mouth! “There goes a tooth” Fucking seriously?! I thought it was saliva but it could be a tooth!

- Belly-to-belly Suplex (Jonathan Cage) transitioned smoothly into a corkscrew neckbreaker (Maya Kalis) nearly murders Allen Chaney! Jesus, Kevin, Allen is bleeding so much from the mouth; he very well might have lost a tooth in the process! Maya goes for the cover, but right at the two, an intruding springboard legdrop ruins Maya’s attempt, courtesy of Marina Blue! Coming to REBELs rescue, Jonathan Cage wraps on an inverted headlock, cranking Marina’s neck – making her yell in pain and likely frustration, but that’s soon brought to a halt after a snap inverted DDT! “Hung that bitch by the clitoris” Kevin jokes.

- GOD DAMN IT, YOU REBEL PRICKS! THIS IS OUR ONLY TABLE! I HAVE TO BUY THESE MYSELF! Man, Jonathan Cage assisted Maya Kalis in lifting Marina Blue onto her shoulders as Maya stood atop the turnbuckles to leap forward into our announce table for a godlike sit-out powerbomb that blew every fucking mind in this warehouse!! “Scatter our brains, why don’t ya?” Everyone is shouting in joy that it’s almost hard to stay mad. This is intense! This is incredible! This is exactly the fucking level of quality only Underground X provides. Fuck all these other bullshit promotions with far inferior bullshit matches. “These two won’t be wrestling for a few weeks. Guarantee that, bitches” Kevin predicts.

- Readying to propel himself off the ropes and into a rising Allen Chaney, when Jonathan Cage springboards, Allen surprises, catching Cage with a bearhug, then tossing him over the shoulder and dropping for a reverse piledriver! Going for the pin, Allen couldn’t obtain the three due to a kickout! Lifting Cage, Allen tries a double underhook backbreaker, and as painful as that must have been, Cage still raised the shoulder before the three! Gesturing a cutthroat, all 342 pounds of Allen Chaney ascends the turnbuckle, preparing for a diving headbutt! Opposite of Allen, a revived Maya Kalis – to much astonishment – rushing across the apron till halfway, then leaps onto the ropes, which propel her alarmingly fast into Allen! In midair, Maya’s legs somehow slickly wrap themselves around Allen’s neck in time to execute an utterly BRILLIANT (caps lock for emphasis) hurricanrana that THREW Allen not JUST to the outside but OVER the barricade and INTO the fucking SECOND ROW of our audience!! “That potbellied pig took out seven people!?!” YES, KEVIN. YES! MAYA KALIS. MAYA KALIS.

UX Fans: THANK YOU REBEL! THANK YOU REBEL!

-Sacrificing herself to save Jonathan Cage from Allen’s diving headbutt, Maya Kalis lays on the concrete outside the ring cradling her left arm. “It could be dislocated, Paul. She took one ugly bump” It’s probably safe to assume this time she’s out for good. Although, we said that earlier, and look at the fucking willpower she has. “But with Marina Blue still unconscious, and Allen Chaney obliterated, who can end this match now?!” Good question, Kevin. Referee Willie Williams seems unsure of what to do, but Jonathan Cage is stirring. Now aware of the situation, Cage goes to the outside to collect Marina Blue. Irish whipping Marina toward the apron, Marina weakly jumps and decently manages to roll inside the ring, but her left knee hit the apron harshly.

- Being opportunistic, Jonathan Cage returns to the inside and stomps on Marina’s left knee thrice. Slapping Marina twice in the face, fans are shouting verbal abuse to the former UX veteran (and arguable Legend) but he not care. Trying to bring Marina overhead, Cage is shown Marina’s fantastic flexibility via a mule kick directly blasting his nards! Taking two steps backward in pain as his mouth is agape, Marina seizes the moment to dirtpipe milkshake!! “VAN TERMINATOR” Kevin shouts! Ascending the turnbuckle, Marina shoots backward with a CORKSCREW MOONSAULT – THAT GETS THE THREE! DIRTY JOKE WINS. DIRTY JOKE DEFEATS THE REBELS!

UX Fans: DIR-TY JOKE! DIR-TY JOKE!

“Slip It In” by Black Flag cues Marina Blue & Allen Chaney’s victory over Maya Kalis and Jonathan Cage. “Doesn’t Marina look outrageously hot when smiling that bloody grin?” Kind of.

MAIN EVENT: Champion versus Champion; Robinson On Commentary!

Macca versus The Mainerishi

- Paul Alba: Back from commercial break, and, sheesh, Robbo, that Johnny Roman made a serious claim to the number one contender spot, didn’t he?

Kevin Holiday: Hold on. How in the hell did Roman do that? Romes and Trev battle it out for twenty minutes, exchange chair shots, hit some DDTs and suplexes on the concrete, ending with the pair double knockout punching each other off the top of the jumbo-tron; freefalling twenty feet into stacked tables; just a typical day at the office, really.

Sean Robinson: Yeah, the match ended in a draw, but what Alba’s getting at is how Roman basically fought till at least neither him or Sands would be able to get the W. I suppose some people will look at that as something noteworthy, but all that really says is Roman will put up an extreme fight. Roman’s a risk taker, and sometimes that pays off, but putting yourself wholly at cost is likely to result in how this last match concluded: a draw. What’s the point, then? We don’t need someone who’s going to draw with Mainerishi. We need someone who can defeat the Mainerishi.

Paul Alba: That sounds, Robbo, you reasonable man. Speaking of reason, these fans are understandably hostile toward the first man out from the curtains, our Undisputed Champion, The Mainerishi.

Kevin Holiday: We all know what this awful sack of shit likely did, though there’s not much proof other than by association. To be honest, I’m disgusted by the sight of his ass-licking, ultra campaigning, raging mug.

Sean Robinson: I know my job out here is supposed to assist you two in calling the Main Event, but, I’m going to observe quietly instead.

Paul Alba: Perfectly fine. Holiday and I got this covered.

Kevin Holiday: But NOT Dead Rising.

Paul Alba: What?

Kevin Holiday: It’s surprising to see nobody accompany The Mainerishi to the ring, especially considering this is his first public appearance since the Blacklist 40.

Paul Alba: What’s even more unnerving is the probability of a full scale riot breaking out at any moment.

Kevin Holiday: Mainerishi’s heat is what I imagine Osama bin Laden having if he were a wrestler.

Paul Alba: Hahaha. Since when did Macca’s theme music start with glass shattering??

Kevin Holiday: I like how the Collingwood Football Club theme follows.

Paul Alba: This is the loudest, positive reaction I’ve ever heard for any wrestler in Underground X history. And there are only roughly five hundred people in here!

Kevin Holiday: Macca comes walking out like a damn action hero, with his head slightly bobbing, jaw clenched, and one mean scowl mixed with a trademark smirk.

Paul Alba: Sliding inside the ring, Mainer extends his hand for a shake, but MACCA HITS MAINER! LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT, RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT, LEFT – KICK HIS FUCKING ASS, MACCA!

- Irish Whip into the ropes, and Mainerishi comes back into a flapjack by Macca, but as Mainer is pushed into midair, Mainer effortlessly applies a headlock, so when he falls, in a swinging motion, Macca is countered by a horribly great snap DDT! How Macca’s head collided with the canvas could persuade someone into believing this match would end right there and then, but Macca fortunately kicked out before the second.

- Thrust kicking Macca in the chest, Mainer then slithers around Macca into a knot of Kimura with neckscissors. Flipping backward, Mainer’s submission is released immediately after Macca attempted an inverted straddle pin, but even so, Macca transformed this position into an ankle lock, further displaying his appetite for submission. And the ankle lock means serious business in Underground X, since three people (Deicide, Cesar Salazar & Johnny Roman) have utilized its madness to break the ankle of their opponents.

Rolling forward, Mainerishi forces Macca to stagger forward into the ropes, but simultaneously with Mainer’s standing, Macca rebounds off the ropes backward via springboard moonsault, taking Mainerishi back down to the canvas! Only a single count, however. Also, apparently not as effective as desired (the moonsault), Macca’s assisted onto his feet by Mainerishi, only for the (alleged) Terrorist to overhead double underhook suplex Macca across the ring!

- Driving to hurricanrana city, Mainerishi, for the first time in Underground X, repetitively delivers a whopping five hurricanrana’s to Macca, that send him fumbling and tumbling around the ring till the last aerial twister throws him into a nearby corner. Pulling himself upward by the ropes, Macca stands to see an incoming shoulder tackle, but cleverly counters via one-armed side slam; a slam which impact had Mainer’s head bounce off the canvas like a rubber ball! Now that Mainer lies, Macca choked Mainer with his foot for seven seconds till deciding to switch into vicious stomping onto the Undisputed Champion’s ribcage! Unsurprising that Mainerishi’s may have broken a rib after Macca crushed his stomach thirteen times. But what is surprising is Mainerishi refusing to stay down for the three counts!

- Changing gears, this match no longer becomes about outwrestling one another. Macca leaves the ring, giving Mainerishi time to recuperate, deliberately. During this brief recess, Macca confronts a seated Salvatore D’Aquila, aggressively.

Macca:
“You sit there fucking oblivious to the fact I am capable of beating that tosser and saving your fucking company, Cuntator! When I pin his ultra cunt, what will this all mean? It’ll be for nothing. Unless you put aside your differences with me, and do what you claim is ‘right’. Hell, I know you don’t give a damn about what’s ‘right’ but consider how it’ll straighten your bent company.”

Leaving Salvatore to chew on those thoughts, Macca reenters the ring, just in time for Mainerishi to go on the offense. Landing two kicks on Macca’s back, the Cuntster finds footing before any serious damage could be done, plus, Mainerishi loses control thanks to Macca’s barroom fists of jawbreakers. The next ten seconds is spent with Macca reeling in like a smart yet caught shark readying to gobble Mainerishi’s silly strategy. And when the time comes, fourteen headshots conclude in Macca knee striking Mainerishi so hard in the ribs, Mainer screams girly!

Kevin Holiday: RAPE TACKLE!

Sean Robinson: SPEAR! SPEAR! SPEAR!

Hooking the leg, Macca watches referee Charlie only reach two counts before Mainerishi exhaustingly powers out! HOT DAMN!

- From all this excitement and tension, Vanessa rushes across ringside toward a now standing Salvatore D’Aquila, holding his hand out to accept the microphone Vanessa carries.

Salvatore D’Aquila:
“Macca, I have heard your call, and you’re right! I am going to put my faith in you. These fans are putting their faith in you. Macca, you MUST defeat the Mainerishi! This match is now for the Undisputed Championship!”

Sean Robinson: THIS IS WRESTLING! THIS IS WRESTLING!

Kevin Holiday: NOTHING’S EVEN HAPPENING, FAG. SHUT UP

- Bleeding from the mouth after being struck so hard by Macca’s Busaiku Knee Kick (tribute to Kevin Holiday, who never fails to mention it’s in his honor), Mainer lost three of his front teeth, to so much fucking approval! The brutality of this match is off the charts! Fucking hell, Macca may as well be holding a shovel! It’s burial time! Dazed by the punt to his head by Macca, Mainerishi is within reach of death’s cold, blue hands! Pulling Mainerishi up by his messy, blood-stained hair, Macca shouts at him:

Macca:
“Quincy Percival Ronald McDonald Has Defeated You!”

Guillotine neck crank!! The second time Macca has busted out the neck crank, with its first use in eliminating Robbie Ferrari from the Uncensored Battle Royal at Blacklist 40! Can Mainerishi hang on?! If he submits, this will end his Ultra Passion Movement! It’ll undoubtedly cost him his job, and he’ll be cast far away from the spotlight he craves forevermore! “Break his fucking neck!” Holiday demands!

MAINERISHI TAPS! MAINERISHI SUBMITS! MAINERISHI (rage) QUITS!

:’D MACCA HAS DONE IT. MACCA HAS WON THE UNDISPUTED CHAMPIONSHIP! THE LONGEST REIGNING UNDISPUTED TAG TEAM CHAMPION, THE GREATEST UNCENSORED CHAMPION, AND THE FIRST EVER MAN TO HOLD BOTH THE UNDISPUTED & UNCENSORED CHAMPIONSHIPS AT ONCE! MACCA HAS MADE HISTORY! MACCA IS THE MOST HISTORICAL FIGURE IN UNDERGROUND X, PERIOD!

“Stand Up (For The Champions)” by Right Said Fred blares in name of Macca’s Undisputed victory! Fireworks explode, confetti showers ringside, and fans merrily sing and drink to their new Undisputed Champion as Salvatore D’Aquila holds his head in his hands!? Why the fuck is he doing that?! He should be proud that Macca has brought the solution!

Kevin Holiday: AHAHAHAH! IS THAT BAD MAN REECE JACKSON?!

Sean Robinson: Ugh.

Coming down the entranceway is none other than Macca’s father-like figure, ‘Bad Man’ Reece Jackson, with tears streaming down his face! Now on the apron, before entering through the ropes, Bad Man points his index finger at Macca, then does his signature funky dance on the apron! Macca smiles and the audience pops for the veteran’s antic.

’Bad Man’ Reece Jackson: Son, I didn’t realize the dream physically, but through your success, It’s the same dream.

Now quite sentimental, Macca and ‘da bad guy’ embrace each other via a hug similar to Chris Benoit & Eddie Guerrero’s at WrestleMania XX. :’)

While ‘Bad Man’ buttons the Undisputed Championship around Macca’s waist, an even bigger surprise comes at the entranceway, where Macca’s two former 3 Drink Minimum partners, Bruce the Mighty & Kai Cooper, stand clapping. Oh my god, I think I’m about to cry. After all the bullshit those Aussie boys been through together, to see them come together at such a time is truly dreamy.

Kevin Holiday: I’m sure they’ve all made up off-screen or something. Besides, for the past month or so, Macca has shown such an improvement in character that it’s reasonable to think these three best pals have buried the hatchet.

You may be right, Kevin. To see a 3 Drink Minimum reunion, with ‘Bad Man’ passing out the drinks between the four is heartwarming. Oh, what? Macca wants us to join him?

Kevin Holiday: Why the hell not?

Sean Robinson: I suppose just this once.

Getting up from the (destroyed) commentators table, the three of us (Sean Robinson, Kevin Holiday and me – Paul Alba) went into the ring to have a cold one with 3 Drink Minimum / BadCunts. It was definitely a sight to behold. Especially when Willie Williams, Cesar Salazar, Deicide & Jeremiah Jihad, Tony Edison & Erik Loomis, Reece Paxton, Allen Chaney & Marina Blue, Mike Majere & Vanessa, Larry Fields, Jonathan Fhenix, John Johnson & Nirvana, Eddy Hawkins, Scorpion, Johnny Chainz, Simon & Maya Kalis, Jonathan & Cheyenne Cage, Simon Sensation, El Pollos (Blanco, El Hijo, Soup & Black), Robb Shadows and John Chellios all came out onto the ramp to applaud Macca for being the savior of Underground X; for being an Undisputed Champion they could be proud of; for unknowingly being the final face of the X’erground.

Cheers that, Cunts!

Fade to UX logo for the last time.

The Nice Way

Before we go, I want to give a few important figures their dues in making this past year of the X’erground amazing. Since, it’s unlikely Underground X will have an official Hall of Fame now that REBEL Pro owns us, plus, Hall of Fame careers usually need be more than a mere year, but Underground X doesn’t play by conventional standards anyway.

Ugh. I forgot that John Fisher has his own little Hall of Fame (Sinister Fiend & Reno Drake LOL ) Fuck that. Fuck those two losers. This Hall of Fame is the only one; because I am ‘the Voice’ of Underground X, my opinion goes quite far. So, allow me to induct the following into the

Underground X Hall of Fame

Cesar Salazar:
1st Undisputed Champion (80 days)
Undisputed Tag Team Champion (w/ Deicide; Final Champions)
Notable Matches:
-BL1: JonCage v. Nacht v. Salazar; Undisputed Title
-BL2: Nacht v. Salazar; Undisputed Title
-BL5: Cooper v. Salazar; Undisputed Title
-BL9: Deicide v. Salazar; Undisputed Title
-BL22: Deicide v. Salazar
-BL23: First Blood; Undisputed Tag
-BL24: Bruce the Mighty v. Salazar
-BL27: Macca v. Salazar
-BL29: Macca v. Salazar
-BL30: Holiday v. Salazar
– MadnessSetsIn: Robinson v. Salazar v. Deicide v. Holiday; Undisputed Title
– BL37: Pollos v. Wrestling’s Undisputed; Undisputed Tag
– BL38: Wrestling’s Undisputed v. SovietUnion; Undisputed Tag

Cesar Salazar is the man responsible for Underground X successfully re-launching. Although having a purist mindset, Salazar worked pro bono for Underground X to prove his passion for the business, to ensure upcoming UX wrestlers enough money to take care of themselves, and provide the fans with quality entertainment. Many professional critics widely agree Cesar Salazar is a wrestler who brings the best out of whomever he works with. If a comparison could be made, Ceez is UX’s Hulk Hogan.

Deicide:
Undisputed Champion (85 days)
Undisputed Tag Team Champion (w/ Cesar Salazar; Final Champions)
Notable Matches:
-BL3: Cooper v. Ramey JR v. Deicide
-BL5: Sands v. Chainz v. Deicide
-BL7: Deicide & Cooper v. HOLOKOST & Commissar
-BL9: Deicide v. Salazar; Undisputed Title
-BL10: Holiday & Deicide v. Scorpion & Robinson
-BL12: Chainz v. Scorpion v. Deicide; Undisputed Title
-BL17: Bruce the Mighty v. Deicide
-BL20: Deicide v. Cooper; Undisputed Title
-BL22: Deicide v. Salazar
– MadnessSetsIn: Robinson v. Salazar v. Deicide v. Holiday; Undisputed Title
– BL37: Pollos v. Wrestling’s Undisputed; Undisputed Tag
– BL38: Wrestling’s Undisputed v. SovietUnion; Undisputed Tag

Deicide is why the ‘Referee Stoppage’ rule was introduced after snapping both of Cesar Salazar’s ankles to win the Undisputed Championship. He then went on to become (at the time) the most dominant Undisputed Champion ever, destroying everyone in his path till Blacklist 20, where UX successfully became an internet sensation thanks to both Cooper & his sixty minute efforts! Fading out of the spotlight sometime after that, his influence was still ever present as every wrestler aimed to break his title reign record and be known as ‘dominant’ – a term frequently used to describe The Sacred. He came back to main event ‘Madness Sets In’, UX’s first pay-per-view, to help the promotion successfully break into the mainstream. Afterward, him and longtime arch-rival, Cesar Salazar, banded together to repeat a ‘dominant’ reign as one-half of the Undisputed Tag Team Champions, Wrestling’s Undisputed; retiring four tag teams in the process, and remaining Champion till the very end.

Kai Cooper:
Undisputed Champion (83 days)
Notable Matches:

-BL3: Cooper v. Ramey JR v. Deicide
-BL5: Cooper v. Salazar; Undisputed Title
-BL7: Deicide & Cooper v. HOLOKOST & Commissar
-BL9: Purist Army v. Hardcore Alliance
-BL11: HOLOKOST & Commissar v. Macca & Cooper
-BL13: Parking Lot Brawl
-BL16: Holiday v. Cooper, Guest Ref: Deicide
-BL20: Cooper v. Deicide; Undisputed Title
-BL22: Cooper & Edison v. Fhenix & Robinson
-BL24: Cooper v. Robinson; Undisputed Title
-BL27: Bad Man v. Cooper
– BL28: Cooper v. Fields v. Robinson; Undisputed Title

Kai Cooper is the Undisputed Champion that emerged victorious from the groundbreaking, Blacklist 20 ‘Iron Man’ bout that essentially turned UX into an internet juggernaut; the only promotion that did exceptionally well without a network contract. Cooper is what wrestling historians would consider a ‘homegrown’ talent. Cooper began his venture underground very raw and amateur, but gradually (actually, quite quickly considering the timeframe) became a well-rounded wrestler who had many classics battles against other UX Legends such as Deicide, Salazar, Robinson and Holiday. Cooper is the sort of wrestler who doesn’t solely depend on victories in order to stay relevant and meaningful, like Mick Foley, but his mountainous charisma, mind-blowing flexibility and ultimate underdog persona immediately cemented him as a naturally brilliant superstar. Kai Cooper is the definitive boyhood dream.

Kevin Holiday:
Uncensored Champion (40 days)
Notable Matches:
-BL8: Uncensored Battle Royal
-BL9: Purist Army v. Hardcore Alliance
-BL10: Holiday & Deicide vs. Scorpion & Robinson
-BL13: Parking Lot Brawl
-BL16: Holiday v. Cooper, Guest Ref: Deicide
-BL19: Jihad v. Holiday
-BL27: Holiday v. Santos
-BL30: Holiday v. Salazar
– MadnessSetsIn: Robinson v. Salazar v. Deicide v. Holiday; Undisputed Title

Kevin Holiday is precisely what his nickname claims: the Moment. When you review Kevin’s in-ring career, you’ll see a sea of hilarious and brutal spots explaining his iconic ranking. Although a former Uncensored Champion, the main issue with Kevin Holiday’s UX wrestling career is most of the time was an intoxicated effort, and when ‘tripping balls’, Holiday became more concerned with doing whatever he found amusing than winning a simple contest. Any UX fan worth their cents knows Kevin suffers an outrageous drug addiction, but that’s what makes him who he is. May it be Holiday destroying the ‘infamous’ Warehouse with a wrecking ball, snorting cocaine off Willie’s forehead, turning Santos against Cesar for ‘lols’, using Robinson as a human shield, smearing a shit-filled diaper into unconscious Cooper’s face, brawling with Jihad in a Mexican restaurant, or being an unbelievably hilarious color-commentator, Holiday entertained the masses unlike any other.

As result, Kevin Holiday is the only man in Underground X to join the Hall of Fame solely based around his ‘awesome-than-thou’ / ‘larger-than-life’ personality, and the fact he sells more merchandise than anyone in Underground X, period.

Sean Robinson:
Undisputed Champion (120 days)
Uncensored Champion (45 days)
Notable Matches:
-BL9: Purist Army v. Hardcore Alliance
-BL10: Holiday & Deicide v. Robinson & Scorpion
-BL13: Parking Lot Brawl
-BL19: Robinson v. Fhenix; Uncensored Title
-BL22: Cooper & Edison v. Robinson & Fhenix
-BL23: Reno Drake v. Robinson
-BL24: Robinson v. Cooper; Undisputed Title
-BL28: Cooper v. Fields v. Robinson; Undisputed Title
-BL30: RobbShadows v. Robinson
-BL31: Eiffel v. Robinson
– MadnessSetsIn: Robinson v. Salazar v. Deicide v. Holiday; Undisputed Title
– BL35: Robinson v. Fhenix; Undisputed Title
– BL40: Uncensored Battle Royal – Robinson vs. Mainerishi; Undisputed Title

Sean Robinson is the Greatest Undisputed Champion of All Time, to be blunt. Surpassing Deicide’s dominant reign, and also awarded by Wrestling Observer Newsletter for ‘Best on Interviews 2012’, Sean Robinson’s lucrative Undisputed reign is known as the one that broke the glass ceiling, that set the best standard a Champion could make in Underground X, that drew the largest audiences and highest buyrates, and that also is Underground X’s most profitable champion of all. Not only is Sean Robinson a fucking ‘Guinness World Records’ book made flesh, he’s also universally acclaimed the greatest technical wrestler of modern times. Go watch any of his UX matches and see the insanely psychological brilliance the man unleashes on his adversaries. Whether he’s busy submitting Jonathan Fhenix or Tiger Driving Kevin Holiday through a rusty, broken car, no matter what, Robinson always steals the show. As the fans chant during a Sean Robinson match, “This Is Wrestling!”

Tony Edison:
Uncensored Champion (28 days)
Notable Matches:
-BL14: JonCage v. Edison
-BL15: Bruce the Mighty & Edison v. Cheyenne & Lunatic
-BL18: Elimination Tables
-BL22: Cooper & Edison v. Fhenix & Robinson
-BL23: Whispers v. Edison
-BL24: Edison v. Fhenix; Uncensored Title
-BL27: Mainerishi v. Edison; Uncensored Title
-BL33: Bad Man v. Edison
-MadnessSetsIn: Edison v. Norton
-MadnessSetsIn: Edison v. Shadows
-MadnessSetsIn: Edison v. Fhenix
-BL38: Eastern Uproars v. Ultra Passion
-BL39: Eastern Uproars v. Metal Militia
-BL40: Barbwire Steel Cage

Tony Edison is the Man Gravity Forgot. Asking why Edison is in UX’s Hall of Fame would be like questioning Chris Candido, Jerry Lynn or Dean Malenko’s inductions. None of those wrestlers needed championships, gimmicks or flamboyant looks to do what they did best: electrify the audiences thoroughly. Of all the inductees in this ‘Hall of Fame’ class, Tony Edison is the only one to have wrestled in multiple eras of the X’erground. Fighting against and defeating the likes of Jonathan Cage, Sinister Fiend, Reno Drake, Adam Cage, AJ Donovan, Colby G. and Killah Kain – Edison was a regular household name back in the earlier UX incarnations. Those feats alone warrant an induction, but when he returned to the X’erground earlier this year, fans came in their jeans at the realization Tony Edison still has so much more to contribute. Simply look back at ‘Madness Sets In’ where Tony Edison wrestled in three separate matches and all three received 5 star ratings from multiple wrestling publications. Do you understand?

When Edison finally defeated Jonathan Fhenix to retrieve the Uncensored Championship he long sought, that victory remains the best ‘feel good’ moment in Underground X history. It’s such a shame Tony Edison and Erik Loomis weren’t able to challenge Wrestling’s Undisputed for the Undisputed Tag Team Championships, like so many fans hoped for, because ‘Eastern Uproars’ reinforced Edison’s career as one everlasting. Nevertheless, the unforgettable sequence of Tony Edison Pele kicking Jonathan Cage off a seventeen-foot-high crate, only to crash-land through multiple crates below, and then Edison freefalling into the arms of audience members, will remind everyone that an impossible man exists.

‘Bad Man’ Reece Jackson:
Undisputed Tag Team Champion (w/ Macca; 75 days)
Notable Matches:
-BL22: Bad Man v. Reno Drake
-BL23: Conundrum v. Mainerishi v. Bad Man
-BL24: Bad Man v. Mainerishi
-BL25: 2 Man Gang v. Norton & Cunt
-BL26: 3DM v. BadCunts; Undisputed Tag
-BL27: Bad Man v. Cooper
-BL29: Bad Man v. Timmy Thompson
-BL31: Bad Man v. Wight
-BL32: BadCunts v. SovietUnion
-BL33: Bad Man v. Edison

‘Bad Man’ Reece Jackson is the most controversial wrestler to ever grace the UX ring. Look at his ‘notable matches’ and recognize how consistently and consecutively he performed utmost ludicrous. Perhaps due to his age, ‘Bad Man’ seemingly did not give any fucks whether he’d be shitting in front of Cesar Salazar’s locker-room door or (whilst in a donkey costume) thrusting himself into Betty White’s anus. He preferred to bully Timmy Thompson, kidnap Christy Greene, parody Nirvana and call out every motherfucker within sight. Sometimes his bigmouth got him into trouble with Johnny Cunt; other times saw ‘Bad Man’ shoving his cock into another’s mouth, such as Bruce the Mighty, in the showers.

The most upsetting crime Reece Jackson committed was no-showing his Main Event match against Sean Robinson at Madness Sets In. That alone, according to diehard fans, stricken all the marvelous gems ‘da bad guy’ gave us. I, on the other hand, completely disagree. It only furthers Reece Jackson’s absurd legacy. Plus, hey, he also legitimately defeated Kai Cooper and the Mainerishi, who’re former Undisputed Champions, and won the tag team championships with the final Undisputed Champion, Macca. Not everything ‘Bad Man’ has done is for the piss! Still, we gladly drank everything he gave us.

Macca:
Undisputed Champion (Final)
Uncensored Champion (Final)
2x Undisputed Tag Team Champion (w/ Bruce the Mighty & Bad Man; 191 days)
Notable Matches:
-BL10: Macca v. HOLOKOST
-BL11: HOLOKOST & Commissar v. Cooper & Macca
-BL13: 3 Drink Minimum v. Scorpion & Fields; Undisputed Tag
-BL14: Macca v. Fields v. Lunatic
-BL16: Mainerishi v. Macca
-BL18: Elimination Tables; Undisputed Tag
-BL23: First Blood; Undisputed Tag
-BL26: 3DM v. BadCunts; Undisputed Tag
-BL27: Macca v. Salazar
-BL29: Macca v. Salazar
-BL32: BadCunts v. SovietUnion
-MadnessSetsIn: TLC; Undisputed Tag
-BL36: Johnson v. Macca; Uncensored Title
-BL38: Roman v. Macca
-BL39: HOLOKOST v. Macca; Uncensored Title
-BL40: Uncensored Battle Royal
-BL42: Macca v. Mainerishi; Undisputed Title

Macca is Underground X. Seriously, who would’ve known? Out of all the inductees, Macca has the most notable matches, involved in the most hilarious moments, best segments, best promos, and is the very first and only UX Triple Crown Champion! Longest reigning Undisputed Tag Champion, only man to successfully defend the Uncensored Championship on multiple occasions and against practically everyone, and the final Undisputed Champion! Macca smashed Robinson’s record-obsessed lifestyle, outsize Cooper and Holiday’s magnetic personalities, outwrestled Cesar Salazar twice, saved UX from the Mainerishi, calls out people way better than ‘Bad Man’ and ultimately is the greatest wrestler Underground X ever produced.

I couldn’t summarize Macca’s fantastic yet accidental* career in UX without this turning into a biography. (*I say ‘accidental’ because remember, Macca only began wrestling out of arrogance. He told his childhood friend Cooper he could beat the shit out of HOLOKOST, and, funny as it is, Macca may not have exactly done that the first time, but just over a month ago, Macca utterly humiliated HOLOKOST in his first Uncensored title defense!) Basically, Macca, if I am considered the ‘voice’ of Underground X, you are without doubt the ‘face’.

 

To The World

Recorded Earlier This Morning…

Pulling a rolling suitcase through the main lobby of an airport, Jake Norton arrives in North Carolina (woooo) to a TMZ cameraman pestering at four AM.

TMZ Guy:
“Jakey, this is good! So good! I bet you feel good, right?”

Norton:
“I’m getting there.”

TMZ Guy:
“Today is the big day! First match in months! Holy cow, what an opportunity! Against one of the best REBEL faces today, and the greatest technician since.. a long time.”

Norton:
“Rejoice, motherfuckers.”

The TMZ Guy forces a wheezy laugh.

TMZ Guy:
“Yeah! He’s really dumb, huh? I agree, man. Virgil can rejoice a dick.”

Norton:
“Nah, he’s alright.”

Continuing his stroll toward the lobby’s exit, unsurprisingly, Norton soaks in this minimal attention, albeit tiredly, but nevertheless subtly fucking with this obnoxious celeb reporter.

TMZ Guy:
“Hey, I know you’re having a busy morning, but, what do you say, could you give us some insight?”

Norton:
“I’m pooped, bro.”

TMZ Guy:
“Aw, come on! Just share some words on this masked bastard, would ya? Fans will be seeing this! Free publicity!”

Norton:
“Do you guys pull decent ratings?”

TMZ Guy:
“Helllll yeaaaah.”

Somebody check to see if this guy is true. But it’s TMZ, so probably not. But it’s Norton, a veteran attention-whore. Stopping his movement, Norton stands to address the camera’s eye with a yawn, and then a careless stare.

Norton:
“I can’t properly express my disgust with how you handled the Armed Assault match, Virgil, because I’m so tired.”

Cutting himself off with an unintentional yawn, Norton blinks twice to keep his tears at bay.

Norton:
“So you’re going to just have to take my word, hopefully to heart, in a real offensive way. At most, I hope that manages to put you off, because the sight of you half-nelson suplexing Anna onto her neck, cements your status of cunt. You’re a real, fine cunt, Virgil. Why couldn’t you just bash Anna’s skull inward with a baseball bat like the rules regulated you to do? Oh, because you’re all about wrestling, not fighting. Well, tough shit, mister morale, because professional wrestling is much like mixed martial arts in the sense that, regardless of ‘wrestling’ being part of ‘professional wrestling’, our profession permits a shit load of various combat techniques. But, far as definitions go, none make it alright for you to try and kill someone, you sandy cunt.”

This tirade is getting the TMZ guy all wet.

TMZ Guy:
“Wow, Nortster, I didn’t know you felt this way.”

A careless shrug and annoyed-flavored roll of his eyes, Norton decides to further his search for a taxi.

Jake Norton:
“I’ve seen much of Virgil’s work, and really, I’m a fan of his. And, I know it’s a laugh coming from me, this whole ‘how dare you hurt Anna like that’ because, mind you, I once shot a man during a TGW broadcast. I’m definitely not one to be preaching about professionalism, but Anna is a favorite of mine, separating her from the many waves of unlovable losers that make up this sea of Alliance of Wrestling’s Faggish. In all honesty, if something ever happened to Anna Mathews, do you think there wouldn’t be extremely hostile repercussions?”

Curling his left cheek and squints his left eye, the TMZ guy wonders.

TMZ Guy:
“She is .. amazing.”

That would be an acceptable statement if not for the creepy tone, short, awkward pause, and weird look on the dude’s face, which is so disturbing, Norton winced.

Jake Norton:
“We’re going to have to end this, now.”

Without thought, the TMZ weirdo blurts out,

TMZ Guy:
“Wait! One last question, before you go. Aside from this criticism of Virgil’s Armed Assault performance, and, I’m guessing, goal to whoop Virgil’s masked candy ass in the name of Anna, is there anything else fans can expect or take away from this debut match for you in REBEL?”

What fans may likely consider the most profound question of this entire scene, Jake Norton effortlessly replies.

Jake Norton:
“Well there are many questions to ponder. What difference will Norton make in REBEL Pro considering all the notorious baggage he carries? Can he contribute positively to REBEL’s television ratings, market expansion, merchandise sales, social relevance, et cetera? What challenge does Norton offer his peers? Why should fans tune in to see Norton’s development? These could be answered right here and now, but in my opinion, my answers would seem arrogant and ineffective compared to a gradual step-by-step demonstration. Still, I telling you, the audiences, of these questions I believe you should be asking, is necessary to foreshadow upcoming lectures.

In a way, my role in this funky machine is that of a teacher. I have lessons needing to be shared, but this week, unfortunately, isn’t about my cause; it’s an introduction to my character. Granted, more like a quadruple re-introduction, but this is necessary because, although I have a track record, this is the beginning of a journey careless of my past accolades and failures. I have to be precise about my execution, the way I want my message to be perceived, because, normally, I really do hate these pompous talks. Wrestlers are not literary masterminds, regardless of presentation, but please, look deeper than my wordy delivery.

There is a perception of what Jake Norton is and means. What I’m supposed to be is a nuisance, a hacker, a troll, an upbeat, lazy-eyed creep capable of gay and awful means. And while that’s all very much true, I will be downplaying those characteristics because I believe in something that requires a different side of me to overshadow my typical ugliness. You could say, what I plan to do is shine through cracks in a pavement, this week. This week is about indication and hyping the bomb.

In the wrestling business, bombs are fun. They obliterate whatever it touches, let alone a pavement.”

Confused by Norton’s nonsense, the TMZ Guy scoffs.

TMZ Guy:
“What?!”

Opening the backseat door to a taxi, Norton slips inside of it with a smirk.

Jake Norton:
“Virgil, Marvin, Anna – anyone in REBEL who tries to pass themselves off as intellectual super giants are to be squashed, soon.”

Shutting the car door, Norton robs the TMZ Guy the opportunity to ask yet another question.

TMZ Guy:
“I thought you liked Anna?!”

A Legend! And I Get Stuck Facing… You.

Dale Petty, the wrestler formerly known as Bubba J, stands outside of the arena, his back leaning up against the brick wall. Dale has a lit cigarette in his mouth, freshly lit, and is taking a small drag on its comforting menthol flavor.

“All of the near death matches. All of the blood letting.”

Another small drag.

“All of the flesh.”

He just taps his foot.

“All of the sweat.”

He breaths in, scenting the night air.

“Hired.”

He lets the breath out.

“Fired.”

He shakes his head.

“Hired.”

Another shake.

“Fired.”

He adjusts himself, making sure things fit just right.

“Announcing for a time.”

A drag on the smoke.

“Fired again.”

He looks at the passing traffic.

“From city to city, from different titty to titty.”

He exhales.

“Different arenas, different countries.”

A shake of the head.

“From top of the game, to the bottom of the barrel.”

He spits on the pavement.

“From Bubba J to Dale Petty.”

He looks back at the camera.

“From facing nearly unbeatable opponents…”

He continues staring, taking a deep drag on the cigarette.

“To facing you.”

He just can’t believe it, he simply stares, winding up the cigarette.

“From fighting for the World title… now I’m a legend… facing you. I’m pissed Bobby Lee and I’m going to take it out on your ass.”

He smiles in anticipation.

“Whine, cry, moan, whimper, take your sugaries… because you are going to need something to dull the pain.”

He smiles broadly.

“And Gordon…”

He looks in the parking lot, then back to his cigarette as he drops the red hot ember onto the pavement. The camera goes to slow motion as the ember slowly slowly slowly falls, sparking on the pavement and catching a line on fire, blazing into the parking lot.

“I’d call the Fire Department, if I was you.”

{fade}

ReDebut Match

Dale Petty versus Bobby Lee

The match starts off with Bobby Lee standing up to Dale Petty, incredibly brave and possibly influenced by sugaries and such. However his sugary courage is quickly proven to be failed. Dale Petty begins cracking Lee across the face with a quick series of lefts and rights, before whipping him into the ropes. As Lee comes back, Bobby Lee hits an impressive dropkick on Dale Petty. Petty quickly rolls with it and gets to his feet. He clotheslines Bobby Lee to the canvas. Lee gets back up and Petty goes for another clothesline but Bobby Lee ducks. Bobby Lee slaps his chest, sugary power initiated! But he gets kicked in the gut, TRAILER PARK TRASH! Petty covers!

1!

2!!

3!!

Winner: Dale Petty in 4:35

Commercial: Cthulu 2012

Real Empire

Jeremy Gold: WE CAN DO IT!

We fade backstage where Jeremy Gold, decked out in a hot pink Adidas track suit skips rope while listening to dubstep. Some Skrillex shit, fuck knows.

Jeremy Gold: YOU WITH ME INFERNO?!

The [fake] Inferno obliges a response, as he does jumping jacks.

Inferno: FIYAAAA FIRE! FIERA!

Jeremy Gold: YEAH!

Inferno: WHOOOOOOOOSHH FRRRRRRR GAAAAAAAAH!!!!

Gold just smiles.

Jeremy Gold: That’s right! We’ll set these Underground X invaders on FIRE!

Inferno: FIRAGA!

Jeremy Gold: We’ll SAVE REBEL Pro! We’ll be HEROES, Inferno! You and me pal!

Inferno trips forward, smashing his head through the drywall. He yanks himself out and spins before collapsing on the couch. Gold, who we imagine has had his sugaries this evening just smiles.

Jeremy Gold: FOR THE REPUBLIC! Or, whatever!

We now fade to…

Fake Empire

A still image of the UX Undisputed Tag Team Championships sitting atop the canvas of an otherwise empty wrestling ring dead center, with a spotlight focused on only it; everything else cast off in the darkness. The lighting excellently reflects the shine birthing from the bathing, topnotch jewelry that decorates these prestigious straps of supremacy. Words appear above the championships, reading, ‘only one team’ with emphasis on ‘one’ as silence accompanies. Then, the tenor, Texas-southern accent of Deicide calmly welcomes itself.

Deicide:
“Many wrestling promotions across the globe have failed at keeping a lively, fruitful, energetic, competitive, excitable tag division, but, in all honesty, the blame doesn’t fall solely on the bookers; they’re trying their hardest to find a team that can be the face, be groundbreaking by taking the division and turning it into a headlining attraction other than just filler and/or undercard substance; tossing money at whatever odd pairing, but that just further muddies the problem waters. We, lovers of this profession, must pay attention to the shortage of brilliant-minded wrestlers. There are many wannabes surviving off another wrestler’s success by shaping themselves to fit the mold of ‘Heartbreak Kid turned Showstopper’ as if formulaic, and those successful wrestlers mostly belong to the singles league, but the difference here is chemistry.”

Beneath the ‘only one team’ words and those precious-looking championships come the next following words, ‘dedicates their lives’

Cesar Salazar:
“Nowadays, the existence of the tag division in modern booker minds seems to be an alternative route to give a guy who doesn’t quite have the cosmetic appeal, speech ability, singular charisma to market it as a lone wolf. Pairing this potential singles guy with an equally dull guy but slapped on with some exaggerated gimmick theoretically will plant a perception in audiences minds that this ‘promising’ guy has a track record, accomplishments, and sort of means something but has much to prove, but that’ll come when this guy is more seasoned.”

Finally, across the tag championships the words, “to reinvigorate a dying style” come.

Deicide:
“Completely dismissing the importance of collaboration; the complexity of conjunction; becoming synched in movement, thought, and effect; this form of wrestling takes the basic ‘head-on collision course’ nature of one-on-one combat and inserts war-like strategy; having to depend on another to share the burden of outmaneuvering in chess-like artistry. This division is basically the most sophisticated way to play, and we, Wrestling’s Undisputed, come to shatter your misconception.”

Removed from the still image, the televised view is now fixated on the banner of REBEL Pro, with words of ‘In 2012, you are promised a change’ typed across.

Cesar Salazar:
“Our unison is the realization of mega powers; parallel genius; one-way rampage; absolute pro. We are the result of earnest wish for improvement, and the outcome will be an answer that not only satisfies you longing fans but transforms the very poor understanding of ‘tag teams’ into an influential crusade for resurgence.”

Tag Team Match of WAR! UX! VS REBEL Pro!

Wrestling’s Undisputed versus Golden Inferno

Underground X may be an independent promotion that’s barely breaking through the mainstream, but Deicide & Cesar Salazar are world-known names. Deicide has been in plenty of topnotch promotions (Sin Wrestling & Victory Wrestling, for example) and Salazar is prominent in Mexico. If anything, the two are known for their individual work, but together, only those who tune in for the Blacklist on AMC network are aware of their naturalistic devastation.

Without doubt, REBEL Pro fans became infatuated with Wrestling’s Undisputed following the heavily lopsided, fast-paced attack on Jeremy Golden & the (fake?) Inferno. Although a noteworthy spot of Jeremy Golden momentarily stealing Deicide’s signature cross-chop to opponent’s throat, against the inventor himself, Deicide! Soon after, Golden was on his ass via Judo Throw. Elsewhere, Inferno attempted to hurricanrana Salazar off the top turnbuckle, but ended up taking a belly-to-back inverted mat slam! Credit goes to Inferno for kicking out before the three.

Clocking in at six minutes, contest came to a close with Deicide’s crucifix hold flipped forward into a DDT to Inferno on the steel steps outside, whilst inside the ring, Salazar’s very slick German flowed into a belly-to-back wheelbarrow facebuster paralyzed Jeremy Golden long enough to receive a three count! Wrestling’s Undisputed wins in their debut match, proving again their name is precise.

Commercial: Barney 2012

Because fuck Cthulu. #Legendary2012

The Chivalries Not Dead Revenge Match

Jake Norton versus Virgil Keenan

As Keenan came out, Norton rushed down after him during Keenan’s entrance and hit a Russian legsweep into the guardrail on him. Then he threw Virgil Keenan into the ring and the match officially began. Norton and Keenan tied up and locked horns in the center of the ring. Keenan with snap suplex takes Jake Norton down. Norton back on his feet and hits a pendulum elbow on Virgil Keenan taking him down. Keenan back up and he counters with a European uppercut, followed by grabbing hold of Norton and then taking him down with a tilt a whirl backbreaker. Virgil covers and gets a 2 count but Norton kicks out. Norton rolls away from Virgil but Virgil grabs Norton from behind and takes him down with a tiger suplex. He covers again but Norton kicks out yet again after a 2 count. Norton is up and he avoids getting grappled by Virgil Keenan and instead he takes control by devastating Virgil Keenan with a double hammerlock piledriver! Norton makes the cover! 1! 2!! KICK OUT! Keenan kicks out, but the crowd boos because they hate this fucking prick. We see a fan jumping up and down in the crowd in the brand new “Norton 3:16- Spread Cancer” t-shirt who seems visually upset at Keenan kicking out. Keenan and Norton back up and they begin exchanging big blows before Keenan goes for a running knee lift which takes Norton down hard. Norton quickly recovers and gets back to his feet. UH OH! It seems as if Keenan is going for the Burning Hammer but Norton slips out and grabs Virgil- THE PROCESS OF ILLUMINATION!!! Norton uses the royal butterfly, in tribute to his former rival Teresa Quaranta and Keenan is out! Norton covers!

1!

2!!

3!!!

Winner: Jake Norton in 9:56

No

After beating Bobby Lee on the last Aggression, Jonathan Cage is riding a wee bit of a high. He walks into the arena with his bags in his hand. He’s approached by a reporter for the Raleigh newspaper.

Reporter
“Mr. Cage, can I have a word please?”

Cage looks at the reporter.

Jonathan Cage
“No…”

Cage walks off from the reporter leaving him with a shocked look on his face as he writes down the only word he got out of Cage. “No.”

Singles Match of Epic Consequences!

Jonathan Cage versus Johnny Maverick

Cage and Maverick had a lot of good back and forth in this match, with each gaining the advantage over the other throughout this long and grueling display of epicness. However in the end, Jonathan Cage hit the Repentagram v4 on Johnny Maverick and got the 1 2 3 for the victory. It is yet to be known what the “Epic Consequences” of this match are…

Winner: Jonathan Cage in 17:22

Onward, REBEL Soldiers

“Breath of Life” by Florence and The Machines hits, and the crowd rises to their feet in a loud chorus of cheers. Simon steps out and walks down to the ring, slapping the hands of fans as he passes by.

Linzi Martin: Ohhh what’s he doing?

Larry Gordon: Being an idiot, I imagine Linzi. He can’t even talk.

Simon gets into the ring and motions for the crowd to calm down. He then points to the REBELTron, and his voice simulated through a computer program begins to speak.

Simon Kalis: My friends, thank you for your continued support and devotion to REBEL Pro. We wouldn’t be here without all of you, our wonderful fans.

The crowd cheers as they love getting their ass kissed.

Simon Kalis: We know it’s been hard. Certainly we’ve had issues with a lot of people. We’ve got The Phoenix who sadly won the REBEL Pro World Championship last week.

The crowd boos.

Simon Kalis: We’ve got the X’erground invasion with Cesar Salazar and former Victory Wrestling superstar, Deicide, as Wrestling’s Undisputed.

The crowd boos once more.

Simon Kalis: I know. I tried to stop this as best as I could, and this is part of why I am standing in the ring and a computer program is using all the speeches I’ve done before to put together this one now. I was brutally attacked by Reece Paxton, the man who burned our REBEL Pro World championship on UX television.

The crowd boos again, a “FUCK REECE” chant breaks out.

Simon Kalis: Then you’ve got Virgil Keenan, buzzing around like a gnat and giving Anna Mathews hell. And folks who doesn’t love Anna? We all love Anna!

Fans: HELL YEAH! DAT ASS! DAT ASS! DAT ASS!

Simon nods.

Simon Kalis: So what I am going to do, knowing that Virgil is a death star sized cunt of a man, I am going to personally be at ringside for tonights main event to ensure that Marvin Wood and Anna Mathews have a clean match without interference. If I’m there, I know there will be no problems from Virgin Keena-

Suddenly he is interrupted when an unknown but very familiar theme plays over the PA.

Larry Gordon: Hey! I know that music!

Linzi Martin: It cant be! He was fired! It would only be over Simon’s dead body!……

Simon Kalis stands shocked but ready and prepared, looking towards the stage.

That’s when Justin Case jumps the barricades at ringside and slides in behind the unsuspecting Simon Kalis. Case with a crowbar taps his shoulder as Kalis turns around! Simon is frozen in surprise as Justin proceeds with a smile from ear to ear. Thats when Case swings for the fences, connecting with a huge blow to the head and skull area! Busting Simon Kalis open as Justin proceeds to beat down the same man responsible for his exit! Sweet revenge looks like a car accident inside the squared circle! Kalis is then placed in JUST 2 TALENTED! Followed by his move “The Choice” as Kalis is barely able to tap out but does so immediately.

Larry Gordon: The damage has been done, Linzi! I havent seen Kalis this hurt since he came back from his last injury!

Linzi Martin: How can this be?! How was Justin Case allowed in the building?! He’s been banned from REBEL PRO WRESTLING for a long while now!

Case stands center stage as his manager The Wiz then appears at his side. Both men shake hands as Case motions for a mic. Simon Kalis is all but dead laying in the background.

Justin Case: Cut my music!

Fans boo the once REBEL PRO wrestler.

Justin Case: Shut the hell up!! Let “Legendary Legacary” warn you all! You see, it all started roughly a month before I was promply given my walking papers by REBEL PRO a few months back. I was all but given the scraps and jobbers of REBEL PRO, leading towards the day I walked out for good. Simon had just came back from his life threating injury, when he decided he was going to get revenge on the people that help put him out of action. And I was near the top of the list. So when he decided to clean house, I was one of those less fortunates to be released of my duties at REBEL PRO WRESTLING. And that is when “The Franchise Killer” was born!

Some fans begin to cheer but more boo.

Justin Case: But make no mistake about it, Simon Kalis loved watching me leave REBEL PRO for good. however, his plan back fired. You see, on my way out the door, I rubbed shoulders with a few names that were just entering into REBEL PRO, at the time. And now with Matt Stone out of the show. The real fucking show has come to not only take his place, but yours truly has come to do one thing. Finish the job! What Simon Kalis was forgetting when shipping me out of town. I had a loop hole one way ticket back into REBEL PRO WRESTLING! And no matter what, there aint a damn thing Simon Kalis can do this time! He can hate me all he wants but I dont care. I have changed. I changed my look, my friends, the places, the people. It occured to me that if I had to leave, It would then ultimately make me better than Simon Kalis ever was! Thats when I became your chosen son! And as “The Chosen One” REBEL PRO has now recieved the second coming. My ressurection has begun!

Fans boo.

Justin Case: The loop hole being that Adrian Kalis signed off on the papers that were to be my pink slip. He forged Simon’s hand writting and made it look like he had just authority to release me. So what did I do? I walked out that door and never came back. But you see, when I left I had REBEL PRO at its best ever. See, I had gotten Larry Gordon’s job back as REBEL PRO GM, and as such I always found I was given more opportunity under Larry Gordon’s management. Afterall, I became 2 time REBEL PRO World Champion under his leadership and vision. So when he was fired, I did my all to get him back as GM of REBEL PRO. Once he was back, I was back on top of my game. If you look closely, the weeks prior to my leaving RPW, I was not just on the ball, but prior to me leaving REBEL PRO, I was the most must see Superstar of this federation’s history! With ratings sky rocketing on every. word. I. spoke!

The fans boo.

Justin Case: You see, when yours truly is on the mic, there is no one better than legendary legacary! People come from far and wide just to hear whats on my talented mind. And that is why REBEL PRO thrived under my guidance. So, you can imagen what thus happened to REBEL PRO the organization. Without me it would cease to exist. Everything that IT was, was gone when I left. I killed REBEL PRO WRESTLING the day I walked out that door! And now? Now RPW is all but done. Its hanging on to a fucking thread. So now I have come back to finish the job! You see, there is no one better than “The Franchise Killer”.

Justin Case: Justin Case U didnt know, I rule this fucking REBEL PRO show!!!

“The Chosen One’s” music starts up as The Wiz and Case make their way to the backstage area.

Linzi Martin: What a crock of shit! Say it aint so!

Larry Gordon: Its so……its so very so! Justin Case is back in REBEL PRO WRESTLING!

Linzi Martin: And I don’t think Simon will be at ringside for the main event after all…

Simon Kalis is checked on by EMT’s as the cameras cut to a shot of Susan Boyle in the crowd, totally fucking marking out at the return of Justin Case.

He Can Haz Cupcakes

We open to a rather low rent room somewhere in America. It’s a dimly lit little place with the walls painted “landlord-don’t-givva-shit” white and horrible carpeting. There’s motivational posters that pop up in random parts with the same boring phrases you’ve probably seen floating around your high school guidance counselor’s office. One disgruntled person has taken the time to make a de-motivational parody. It says “Hang in there!” and replaces the cute wittle cat clinging to a branch with a faceless man hanging from a noose. The irony is not lost on the half circle in the middle of all this.

Anna Mathews: Yesh, Norton. Imma live.

Anna’s not as peppy as she usually is, with good reason. The events of Armed Assault (the stooped masked man thing, not the fuck you, UX thing) has completely harshed her mellow. She flinches as a bite of pain crawls through her.

Anna Mathews: It’s gunna disappoint a few peephole dat I didn’t OMGDIE from that half nelson suplexy deal. But four the record? I doan’t kare. It’s kinda amazing I’m even pheeling this reely seeing az how aye’m a Master of Time and Space. But I guess this was wat this group was created for.

This group? Check the schedule, jackass. It clearly states “Wednesday: No Sellers Anonymous”.

Anna Mathews: Nawt so anonymous nao. ‘Corse wii all got our problems. Take PuppetLisa fer example.

The Greatest Thing Ever perks up at the sound of her name.

PuppetLisa: Problems? I have no problems.

PuppetVirus: You mean besides the whole being burned twice thing?

PuppetLisa: I sold it. The second time around. To no fanfare whatsoever because I’m too great and powerful to actually die.

PuppetVirus: Plus, Anna wouldn’t portray the anguish she was supposed to feel.

Anna Mathews: Yoor nawt selling the disappearance of your real counterpart.

A cottony scoff.

PuppetVirus: So what? Lizatanna fell in an

elevator shaft and died, but PuppetLiza’s still here.

Our magician nearly drops her fluffy bunny.

PuppetLiza: Wait…she died?

PuppetVirus: And PuppetTeresa’s a complete failure compared to the true TQ.

PuppetTeresa: Wins winnernner ins win. >:O

We can’t really translate what she just said. But it’s pretty clear he’s going to be sleeping on the couch for the rest of the year.

PuppetVirus: In fact, the only one of us that actually follows any loose form of kayfabe is…

His head whips around and notices that a chair is empty.

PuppetVirus: Where’s PuppetSimon?

All of a sudden, the door opens…and shuts. The missing piece of the puzzle walks briskly to his seat and smokes a candy cigarette. The eyes of many, button and not, focus in on his rather messy high priced suit.

PuppetLiza: Hey! You got red stuffs on your jacket.

She starts to poke at the “red stuffs” before he smacks her hand away.

PuppetLiza: Ow! Meanie!

Anna Mathews: PuppetSimon…

He shrugs like “what?”

Anna Mathews: Wat did joo due?

An innocent “who, me?” point to himself.

Anna Mathews: Yes, you.

Swift head shakery, complete and total denial. Of course, everybody and their mother knows this is bullshit. The only other puppet wearing a suit leans over.

PuppetVirus: You need a guy to help get those stains out?

The Kalisganger glances as a card go-go-gadgets out of the Almost-Engel’s pocket.

PuppetVirus: *whispers* Blood stains are his specialty. He doesn’t ask questions either.

There seems to be a slight nod of agreement as the mute reaches for the info…

Anna Mathews: Annnnywais, congrats, Virge. You’ve got urself disqualified an did sum damage too me forcing me to actually sell your offence. Good four you!

And she means it. Achievement acquired: all the golf claps.

Anna Mathews: Xcept et didn’t really change anniefing, did it? Yoor still heer witch means you haven’t bin fired which means yer still Simon’s bitch. Inn the end, your temper tantrum has dun absolutely nothink to benefit Vigil Keenan. It didn’t benefit Keenan the man with all his high and mitey moral dilemma bullshit. It didn’t benefit Keenan the wrestler hoo slides inn for a paycheck. I’ll admit grudinglee that yea, ya knock me out. You gave mii a ton of hurt. But nawt only did I give return some ov it, I got the won fing that matters in Rebel Pro.

She smiles as we get a nice gander of the chain around her neck. The dried crimson from Virgil’s mouth decorates it.

Anna Mathews: I got your blood. Und guess what? Mother Wrestling, under her guise of Kali, haz once again smiled awn dis krazy bitch that you’ve been hating on cents the very beginning. Itt’s no oneder you hate me. It’s no wonder our Aggression champ, Marvin Wood, hates mii. I give the people what they want! Aye sacrifice myself awn the alter and am rewarded four doing so. Marv, to his credit, isn’t a coward. He keeps his upper lip stiff, keeps calm, carries on despite everything. When he hates a match, he simply says “I hate this match, but I’m going to win anyway.” An hii usually doze.

PuppetLisa: When he gives a shit.

A twinge of pain as The Dodo nods in agreement of the snarky comment.

Anna Mathews: He wuz bound two pick upa bad hibbit oar two from Phoenix. Meanwhile, ur going to step intu the wring with Emperor Norton in yet another one of those colorfully naymed matches dat end wif “Fuck you, Keenan EL-OH-EL!” to the surprise of absewlutely nobody. You’ll earn mayhaps a penny of the payday dat you’ll bea given und continue ta bitch over and over again abowt how horrible it all is. You won’t adapt. You won’t change. Niether will yoor situation. You will continue to be—

Finger quotes.

Anna Mathews: –“raped” until the rest of us beat you too a pulp n’ leaf ya to die in a dumpster. Itt may nawt be right in your eyes. We arr the villains according to you. But eye highly suggest joo stop denying thee inevitable, Virge. The way of being “just an X wrestler” or “just a Y wrestler” ish dying a slow miserable death. The fakt that you can’t cee it makes me pity you.

Le smirk.

Anna Mathews: Well, almost.

The puppets cry crocodile tears as we fade to…who cares really.

REBEL Pro Aggression Championship Match

Anna Mathews versus Marvin Wood©

Coming off a lost against The Phoenix, the now AoWF & REBEL World Heavyweight Champion, Marvin Wood is at risk losing his Aggression Championship as well! However, Anna Mathews, who previously had a grueling ‘weapon-oriented maneuvers only’ sort of match against Virgil Keenan at Armed Assault, is not doing well herself. Reason for this being a simple, yet highly effective half-nelson suplex nearly breaking her neck! Perhaps the visual image of Anna’s head hitting the canvas at an awkward angle exaggerates the actual damage done, since she is authorized to compete tonight against a very capable, Marvin Wood.

Bout starts with Marvin’s Japanese armdraging Anna onto her back, but his attempt to transition into a headscissors is unsuccessful, for Anna’s random roll-up nearly got the three! Startled by her agility, Marvin forces himself onto his feet, but Anna’s quick to lock-in a tilt-a-whirl headscissors armbar! Flipping forward, putting his arm at serious risk, Marvin’s modified senton bomb ends the submission, expectantly, but at the cost of his arm.

Fast-forward three minutes, Anna dives for a double leg takedown, but Marvin slithers the sequence into an inverted triangle choke with Anna still standing! Staggering, Anna appears to be fading out, but as a last resort, an over-the-shoulder, belly-to-back piledriver kills Marvin! Collapsing onto the mat, Anna delays the appropriate cross press attempt for five seconds. When she does manage to crawl onto Marvin, the referee only counts a two before the kickout.

Skip to the eight minute mark, Marvin just landed a brutal reverse frankensteiner onto the unsafe, concrete floor below! Accordingly, the audience marks at the awe & shocking death of Anna Mathews. Commentators Linzi Martin & John Chellios (yeah, that UX dude) shout into their headsets, demanding medical assistance for Anna, who literally looks as if she died on the spot, but before the referee can check on Anna, Marvin shoves her back inside the ring, only concerned about retaining his championship. As he hooked the leg, before the referee could count a mere one, Anna kicks out, reassuring everyone she’s above & beyond!

Ending exactly at twelve minutes, forty-two seconds, Marvin Wood’s vicious knife-edged chops compels Anna against the ropes. Charging forth, Marvin’s diving forearm smash successfully blasts Anna so hard, Anna flips backward over-the-top-rope, landing on a single knee upon the apron. Noticing this, Marvin runs across the ring, bounces off the ropes to increase the velocity in his baseball slide. Right as Marvin slid, Anna brilliantly slingshot herself over-the-top-rope to land on Marvin’s chest for a double foot stomp!

Knocking the wind out of the Aggression Champion, Anna is persistent in her barrage by executing the following in order: standing shooting star press – Double Jump 630 Splash off the top turnbuckle – adding insult to injury, concluding with a single leg-trap reverse DDT into Dragon Sleeper, locking Marvin Wood into his signature finisher the Imperfect Science.

John Chellios: “THE GIRLHOOD DREAM HAS COME TRUE.. FOR ANNA MATHEWS.”

However…

DEADLIFT HALFNELSON SUPLEX! Out of nowhere Virgil Keenan has invaded the ring, grasping a weak and frail Anna Mathews by the arm and neck, dead lifting all her weight up and snapping back to the canvas behind him with a sickening thud on the wounded and beaten down neck. A chorus of boo’s and cringes follow immediately after the impact. The ref confronts the intruder, but there isn’t anything he can do. A stern grip on Marvin’s wrist brings his K.O’d corpse across the beaten challenger. Keenan backs off and shoves the ref down to the floor for the pin count.

ONE TWO THREE!

With that Virgil calls for a microphone, pulling a Pipe out of his trunks. A rude heel kick pushes Marvin off his opponent, the ref trying to get him to his feet, handing him the Aggression title belt.

Virgil:” What’s wrong Anna? Why’d you lose? You were so close to winning, what happened?”

Keenan kneels down to look intimately at his victim, face to face, placing the cold steel against her cheek, she coughs and holds her neck.

Virgil: “That’s a real shame Anna, what just happened there I mean. You were really close, moments away from being the champ. Inches, seconds, there’s a kid over there in the front row who actually started to cheer. Hell, you had it won. But, all in all deary, it turns out Marvin Wood was just fucking BETTER than you wasn’t he?”

Anna doesn’t respond, her eyes glazed over.

Virgil: “Wake up Annie dear, wake up, I have something to ask you. Annie, come on now.”

Keenan slaps her around a little, bringing some life back into the former champion.

Virgil: “Like I said, completely better than you, it was all within the confines of the rules that were set in place for your match. Everything that happened just now, everything you stupid, stupid fans just chanted jeers and hatred towards, was fair. And that’s a word I really want you to tune into, so if you could stop being catatonic for a moment, you can tell me if you think everything that happened tonight was justified. Did you deserve it?”

Virgil shoves the microphone into Anna’s mouth for a response.

Anna: “…..”

He rolls her neck, at this point EMT’s are making their way down to ringside, but cautiously approaching the ring. Virgil looks around and then down at Anna, Smashing the pipe down into her gut, he lunges forward grasping her stomach, breathing heavy, saliva and spit covering the mat.

Virgil: “HOW RUDE. Each of you mother fuckers better back off, me and Anna here are having a CON-VER-SATION!”

The Emt’s stay where they are while Virgil grabs Anna by the hair, hauling her up into his knee, holding her like a child almost.

Virgil: “I’ll take you silence as a no. I’ll take all of these fans in attendance, their disgust and I’ll take that as a no. She didn’t deserve it did she guys, she should be the Aggression Champion right? You agree with me don’t you? Right? Look, here, come with me.”

Virgil Stands up, Anna’s hair in his hand as he pulls her to the apron, where he slides out and tugs her writhing corpse onto the padding. Keenan is approached by stage hands and medical help, but a wild step forth with the duel wielding pipe/microphone hand backs them up. A smirk shows it’s self through the mask before approaching a fan in the audience with Anna Matthew’s gear decked out.

Virgil: ‘Hey bitch tits, do you think Anna should be the Aggression Champion right now?”

Bitch tits: “Ye-“

Virgil: “Fantastic, and you, fuck face mcdicks, what do you think?”

Virgil cuts her off

McDicks: “Fuck You Virgi-“

Virgil cuts him off too

Virgil: “Exactly, Right? Fuck me. Because I RUINED this match. I ruined it, I ended it, I fucked up Anna’s chance to win. Here, have her back if you want.”

Keenan lets go of her hair and kicks her towards medical care.

Virgil: “Anna, you tried to explain to me how this disgusting life style was wrestling, you tried to explain that hardcore artistry was a fucking thing, and it’s not, it’s not a thing, it doesn’t exists, and for the love of fuck, did it ever not help you tonight. Rebel Pro doesn’t exists as a place of competition; it’s not a place where you should be proud of what you’ve accomplished, who you beat, and the matches you won. Rebel Pro Is a fucking joke, a bunch of faggots in death matches.”

A harsh line of boos shower the ring.

Virgil: “Matches where barbed wire cactuses exists as an accepted means to beat your opponent.(cheers) A place where I can walk into any match, any fucking match, main event matches on pay per views, and I can effectively change the course of history to however I see fit. This is a company where I could make Bobby Lee world champion in a matter of months purely by strapping tasers to his hands. And you all cheer, all think it’s sport. It’s not, it’s nothing close, and I’m going to prove it to every fucking one of you.”

“Rejoice.”

Virgil Keenan basks in the chorus of boos as we fade to the REBEL Pro logo…

QUICK RESULTS

Dale Petty defeats Bobby Lee
Wrestling’s Undisputed defeats Golden Inferno
Jake Norton defeats Virgil Keenan
Jonathan Cage defeats Johnny Maverick
Marvin Wood defeats Anna Mathews to retain the REBEL Pro Aggression Championship

The Reunion II

Recorded September 25th, 2012 in Las Vegas, Nevada

Adrian takes a seat by his father’s side and pulls him and the chair closer. Simon Kalis is badly injured once again, he turns his head to look up at Adrian with sorrowful eyes. His entire jaw is wired shut, and his mouth has been stitched on both sides from the vicious attack perpetrated on him by Reece Paxton. Simon nods knowingly, before turning away.

Adrian Kalis: You stupid son of a bitch.

Adrian grabs Simon by the hand and squeezes until Simon is forced to look him in the eyes again.

Adrian Kalis: You just got your voice back. You just healed from Barbed Wire Massacre, and this is what you do? Huh?

Simon grabs the notepad at his bedside table, picks up the pen and begins scribbling a message. He tears off a sheet of paper and hands it to Adrian.

Adrian Kalis: *reading out loud* “The threat is serious. I’m trying to save all of you dumb motherfuckers.”

Adrian crumples the paper and throws it behind himself.

Adrian Kalis: Old man, no one believes in this “UX Threat” you keep going on about. It’s a manufactured crisis, like every other fucking crisis you come up with to make money. Except this time you’re not twenty three years old anymore. You’re not wrestling in Georgia, you’re not capable of going into barbed wire cage death matches.

Simon grunts, and scribbles another note on another sheet of paper which he rips and hands to Adrian.

Adrian Kalis: *reading out loud* “You’ve got to take my place in UX. Cage will need back up if we’re to contain the traitors.”

Adrian looks at Simon as if he’s crazy. He slides the paper back to his father and smiles.

Adrian Kalis: Rest. REBEL Pro is in good hands.

Simon grabs Adrian by the throat and squeezes. Adrian chokes momentarily, but grabs Simon by his face and begins clawing at the wiring and stitches. Simon winces and relents, letting go. Adrian jumps up from his chair and leans forward, wrapping both his hands around Simons throat.

Adrian Kalis: Who do you think you are? What do you think you’re doing?

Adrian throws Simon back. Simon grunts, choking and rubbing his throat.

Adrian Kalis: It’s done. What’s important is the AoWF. REBEL Pro. TGW. PWA. Not the relegated shithole that Paxton and Chaney and whoever else wants to nose dive in, afraid of being called names.

Voice: I’ll go.

Maya walks into the private hospital room and smirks.

Maya: That is, if you two are done with the dick measuring contest? Hmmm?

Adrian smiles and backs up, raising his arms.

Adrian Kalis: You’re going to go?

Maya: Hey I beat Marvin Wood.

Adrian Kalis: Uh huh… Yeah. I remember.

Adrian rolls his eyes.

Maya: What?! Don’t think I can handle myself?

Adrian smiles. Simon nods approvingly.

Adrian Kalis: Well sis. Time to earn your stars and skulls, eh?

Maya: Hell yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

She high fives her brother and then jumps her father with a huge hug. Adrian leans back crosses his arms behind his head.

Adrian Kalis: You gonna be able to make it to Armed Assault?

Maya hops off Simon, and Simon looks at Adrian and nods.

Maya: A REBEL pay per view in the heart of the PWA? This should be good.

Simon closes his eye and smiles.

ARMED ASSAULT 2012!

The pyro begins flying down from the ceiling and explodes all along the entrance ramp and stage. The crowd jumps on their feet as “This Is The New Shit” by Marilyn Manson blasts over the sound systems and the REBELTron lights up with images of Marvin Wood and The Phoenix. Flashes of Johnny Maverick and Anna Mathews, the uncompromising brutality of Jethro Hayes and Matthew Engel: Second 2 None. In the background Matt Stone fades away, Emily Corlen disappears in smoke. An unknown figure walks past paper signs posted all over town, Missing: Mark McNasty. But then we see images of Virgil Keenan, seemingly trying to “escape”. We see flashes of Jonathan Cage and his brilliant career. The pyro continues to pop off and we pan the crowd.

Linzi Martin: This is LINZI MARTIN!!!!

The camera shows signs people hold up that have images of The Phoenix burning in fire.

Larry Gordon: And I’m Larry Gordon!

More signs show “WE’LL MISS YOU CORLEN

Linzi Martin: And REBEL Pro, in association with the Alliance of Wrestling Federations is proud to present ARMED ASSAULT!

“ETERNAL!” is one sign we see, held up by a young boy who is wearing face paint similar to Jonathan Cage’s as he sits on top of his fathers shoulders.

Larry Gordon: Live from the PWA Dome, in St. Louis Missouri!

Another sign shows a picture of Marvin Wood, and says “HERE’s MY CROWN JEWELS!” but the camera quickly pans away from it as it apparently has a photograph attached to it of a man’s nether regions.

Linzi Martin: We’ve got a jam packed card for you tonight folks. But boy has it been a controversial two weeks since we last left the air for Aggression.

“MAYA CAN I HAVE UR #?!” is another sign one young fan holds up smiling.

Larry Gordon: I can’t really comment on what’s been happening, as you know Linzi I’m aware of all the dealings Simon Kalis has going on and what the end result was Stolen Hearts left REBEL Pro.

As if with perfect timing, we see a sign that says “STONE STOLE MY

Linzi Martin: Corlen revealed publicly she left due to the ongoing situation with Underground X, an independent promotion based out of Las Vegas, Nevada that has seen many REBEL and AoWF defectors join their ranks.

The crowd shows a surprising number of fans wearing Virgil Keenan masks. Who knew people bought that losers merchandise? Then again we’re in the heart of the PWA, no surprise these fans are fucking losers.

Larry Gordon: It’s a contained situation though. It’s also brought us a great superstar in the name of Jonathan Cage, who signed with REBEL to get the chance to fight the UX hoards. So far though, we haven’t seen any problems here on REBEL’s airwaves from the UX people except from Chelios last week. I’m surprised he was even allowed to sit here with us at ringside, but it was something I reluctantly let Simon deal with.

We see a group of Anna Mathews fans, holding up all their favorite puppets and passing around cakes in the crowd. We finally cue up ringside and see Larry Gordon and Linzi Martin.

Linzi Martin: The problems have all happened in Las Vegas, where our glorious President in Command Simon Kalis was brutalized by former REBEL Pro World Champion and has his jaw broken.

Larry Gordon: So long as this mess stays off our airwaves I’ll be fine. Let’s not let it overshadow the great matches we have tonight.

Linzi Martin: Hell NO! Jonathan Cage makes his much anticipated debut against Bobby Lee. And as we all know Bobby Lee has found some sugaries that may help him get ahead for once.

Larry Gordon: Right. But Jonathan Cage is a former eWo Superstar, as well ironically enough, a former UX Undisputed Champion. So his debut is sure to be something to take note of.

Linzi Martin: We’ve got some epic grudge matches as well. Johnny Maverick and Maya Kalis finally face each other after they once had a tumultuous and drug and sex driven relationship. And what kind of match could lament their fiery passions but an INFERNO match!

Larry Gordon: You can’t forget about Virgil Keenan and Anna Mathews. They were at each other’s throat when Anna was still REBEL’s Champion. And with Virgil doing everything he can to get himself fired, he’s drawn the attention of that asshole Simon.

Linzi Martin: And so the great wrestler Virgil Keenan is forced to compete in a match with Anna Mathews where only weapons are allowed to be used! Using even a suplex without making sure your opponent is getting stabbed by hundreds of thumb tacks or put through a table will result in the loss!

Larry Gordon: And our main event. The Alliance of Wrestling Federations World Championship match where The Phoenix will defend the championship against his good friend, and REBEL Pro Aggression Champion: Marvin Wood.

Linzi Martin: In a pay per view all about weapons and fighting it out with brutal consequences, this match was made a Pure Rules match by Simon Kalis in an effort to slide the odds in Marvin Wood’s favor.

Larry Gordon: He wouldn’t publicly admit that, but it does seem obvious. I think everyone in REBEL Pro is hoping we get to see The Phoenix dethroned in his own castle.

Suddenly, “Breath of Life” by Florence and The Machines begins to play over the speaker system and the REBELTron lights up with the REBEL Pro logo.

Jenny Jersey: Introducing! The acting President of REBEL Pro! Accompanied to the ring by Maya and Jeremy Gold!

Simon Kalis steps out, dressed in a fine Armani black three piece red pinstripe suit. Flanking him are Jeremy Gold and his daughter, Maya. The crowd cheers loudly.

Jenny Jersey: SIMON KALIS!

They all make their way to the ring, and everyone takes special note of the wire job on Simon Kalis’ face, the result of his dealings with Reece Paxton outside the AoWF.

Larry Gordon: What does it take to KILL this man?! All his career, dozens of men and women have attempted to end his career. With glass! With knives! With guns! With barbed wire! And each and every time, Simon manages to survive and still strut his black ass down to the ring.

Linzi Martin: Jeez you really hate him don’t you?

Larry Gordon: Yes.

Kalis climbs the steps and enters the ring. Gold grabs the microphone as Maya beamingly smiles at him, holding his hand. Simon Kalis pulls out two pieces of paper, handing one to Maya and one to Jeremy Gold. Gold holds the microphone to Maya’s face first.

Maya: As my father has had his jaw viciously broken by the traitorous traitor bitch cunt fuck Reece Paxton, Jeremy Gold and I have to read the Black President’s thoughts. So!

She clears her throat.

Maya: Here ye! Here ye! O’ low and high of the REBEL Pro multiverse!

Simon looks at Maya peculiarly, shaking his head. That’s probably not what the paper says.

Maya: I have the distinct sadness of making it official that… Wait, no fuck why would we be sad? MATT STONE IS DEAD AND GONE EVERYONE!

The crowd rises up and cheers loudly. Simon rolls his one eye and gives Maya a stern look. She just smiles and pecks him on the cheek with a kiss.

Maya: And yeah. We’ll miss Emily Corlen. But that’s only cause she’s an awesome power chick who can rip peoples dicks off and slap them in the face with it! YEAH!

Maya just decides to chuck the paper aside now, leaving us with her wild interpretation of Simon Kalis’ intended statement. For his part, Simon just shrugs and leans against the corner turnbuckles smoking a cigarette.

Maya: ALSO! Since the REBEL Pro World Championship has been vacated, my dad is hereby placing that championship ON ME! I AM THE NEW REBEL PRO WOR-

Before Maya can continue Gold rips the mic away vehemently shaking his head NO. The crowd for their part cheers but Gold looks around nervously at Simon, who seems to be nodding a “fix it you idiot” to Gold.

Jeremy Gold: Uhh!! That’s NOT true! Maya is NOT the new World Champion!

Maya crosses her arms and spins around, pouting at her father. Simon just smiles and shakes his head.

Jeremy Gold: No! Tonight! There WILL be a NEW REBEL Pro World Champion folks!

Simon motions Gold to continue reading off his paper.

Jeremy Gold: And that man will either be MARVIN WOOD…. OR THE PHOENIX!

Linzi Martin: WHOA!

The crowd erupts into a massive and raucous chorus of cheers. Not at the Phoenix or Wood, no one likes those fucking assholes. It’s just exciting news and stuff!

Jeremy Gold: The AoWF World Championship match will now ALSO be thus fought for the vacant REBEL Pro World Championship! Enjoy the evening, ladies and gentlemen.

“Breath of Life” hits as Simon, Maya and Jeremy all exit the ring. Simon slaps the hands of fans as he makes his way up the ramp and throws his arm around his daughter as they disappear backstage. Gold wipes the sweat from his brow and sighs in relief.

Don’t Take It all

The camera cuts backstage, where a long blueish white line is laid out on a desk; the line is about a foot long. viagra vs cialis vs levitra reviews The line is made up of that famous powder that has ruined so many lives, made so many interesting, and has caused several models to be able to fit into their clothing… maybe. Anyways, we are back here and hear a loud sucking noise and here comes Bobby Lee lowering his head down to the line.

Gold: “Man… don’t take it… all.”

Bobby Lee stands up, turning to face Gold who ran here from ringside as fast as he could, with Bobby Lee now licking his lips, his fingers, his nose, and now… the damn desk.

Bobby Lee: “Jonathan… hee he… Jona…”

Face plant onto the floor.

Gold: “Shit!”

Fade to ringside.

Jonathan Cage versus Bobby Lee

Linzi Martin: “Armed Assault just got bigger and odder because of this man sitting beside me, Jake Norton! Jake, two weeks ago we had an associate of yours, John Chellios, on the show doing guest commentary, and he said you were still in a coma? How the hell did that happen?”

Jake Norton: “Yes, I was in a coma, but long story short, the Ultra Passion Movement is responsible.”

Linzi Martin: “They’ve been in the headlines a lot. My condolences to those injured at the UX anniversary show.”

Jake Norton: “I’m sure it’s appreciated. It’s been a dark time for many in America, but most importantly, those out west in Las Vegas.”

Linzi Martin: “Not to sound insensitive, but right now, we got a big time match scheduled to be underway in a matter of minutes. Speaking of UX, Jonathan Cage made a huge, upsetting comeback two weeks ago, only to turn his back on UX fans & the very company which made him into the star he is today. Then, a week later, Him & Simon Kalis competed in a grueling barbwire steel cage on the Anniversary show, which saw them two leaving triumphantly, although badly hurt.”

Jake Norton: “Kalis more so, thanks to former REBEL Pro World Champion, current UX employee, Reece Paxton and his curb stomp of doom. However, Jonathan does have a higher chance of competing tonight at a typical level we’ve come to expect from him, because he’s dealt with that level of violence before, and he’s learned how to handle it.”

Linzi Martin: “True, but no matter who you are, barbwire will still rip you apart if you give it the chance. Jonathan Cage was sliced up badly, as you Fans can see. Cage is nursing his ribcage, right now, as he walks down the ramp to a well-earned reception. Him sporting REBEL colors has definitely put him extra over with our audience, wouldn’t you agree, Norton?”

Jake Norton: “Very much so, Lizzy. But the fact he is eWo’s last ever World Heavyweight Champion means a hell of a lot to these fans. With him joining the elite ranks of REBEL, fans cannot help but react goofily to his presence because they know, just like Jonathan Cage knows, several dream matches are bound to happen.”

Linzi Martin: “The Epitome of Violence versus The Southern Hero, for starters.”

Jake Norton: “How about the last eWo World Champion versus the Greatest eWo World Champion of All Time, Marvin Wood? That’d get money from my wallet.”

Linzi Martin: “Now that Bobby Lee has entered the ring, we can finally get started!”

Jake Norton: “I don’t know why REBEL bothered hiring this guy. Sure, he gots some popularity for his stint on MAD, but after all this time of jobbing, one would think he shouldn’t be in the opening bout for one of the biggest shows of the year.”

Linzi Martin: “Damn, Cage has a cool reverse STO.”

Jake Norton: “One of the best in the business, baby. Switched into a bridging arm triangle choke, it’s no surprise Bobby is crying. Cage is a fucking expert, baby.”

Linzi Martin: “Bobby isn’t crying. He’s just making a weird face and noise; reminds me of a seagull.”

Jake Norton: “No, sounds more like a goose.”

Linzi Martin: “Either way, he’s refusing to tap.”

Jake Norton: “He’s got something to prove!”

Linzi Martin: “We’re already fifteen seconds into this hold! It won’t mean squat shit if Bobby doesn’t try to reverse or something.”

Jake Norton: “That’s true. So, Linzi, are you a fan of movies?”

Linzi Martin: “Yeah, why?”

Jake Norton: “After the show, do you want to go see ‘Hotel Transylvania’ ?”

Linzi Martin: “What’s that?”

Jake Norton: “Dracula, who operates a high-end resort away from the human world, goes into overprotective mode when a boy discovers the resort and falls for the count’s teen-aged daughter.”

Linzi Martin: “Nah, not my thing.”

Jake Norton: “Okay.”

Linzi Martin: “Well, Bobby has hung on for almost an entire minute! The crowd is losing interest now.”

Jake Norton: “Cage is demanding Bobby to submit, but Bobby would rather make strange animal noises.”

Linzi Martin: “He’s stopped!”

Jake Norton: “Thank gawd.”

Linzi Martin: “Oh, he’s passed out. Now the referee has to check if he’s dead.”

Jake Norton: “One lift. Two lifts. His arm has dropped twice now.”

Linzi Martin: “That’s three! OH YOU GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!”

Jake Norton: “There’s still life in Bobby Lee!”

Linzi Martin: “This is fucking ridiculous.”

Jake Norton: “What’s more ridiculous is Cage not trying another move. He’s just keeping the arm triangle intact!”

Linzi Martin: “There’s no way out of this hold.”

Jake Norton: “So we just sit here and wait for something to happen.”

Linzi Martin: “Do you want to play cards?”

Jake Norton: “Sure. What do you know?”

Linzi Martin: “Poker.”

Jake Norton: “You think we have time?”

Linzi Martin: “We could just do blackjack, I guess.”

Jake Norton: “Alright, you deal.”

Linzi Martin: “Yo, Jenny, got some cards we could borrow?”

Jenny Jersey: “woo woo woo, you know it.”

Jake Norton: “Atta girl.”

Linzi Martin: “Right, so, I’ll—“

Jake Norton: “BOBBY LEE TAPS! BOBBY LEE TAPS! BAH GAWD”

Linzi Martin: “JONATHAN CAGE WINS IN A STUNNING DEBUT”

Welcome to The Puppet Show!

We’re outside. You do remember outside, right? It’s that place away from your comfy little house and well worn computer swivel chair that carries an awesome new thing called ‘Fresh air’. Never heard of it? Of course not. That would mean you would have to get out of your fantasy world of beating up people for the TITLES. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. But if you’d ever emerged from your cocoons every once in a while, you’d realize—

PuppetLisa: Dolphins, attack!

—that cute little Flipper right ^up there^ is about to die for a good chunk of porpoise virgins in Sea Heaven.

KA-BOOM!

PuppetLisa: YES! Turn that dome into swiss cheese!

And why wouldn’t he do it? It’s not like RealLisa gives a shit. She letting us use the damn arena (which isn’t all that smart to begin with). The security’s nonexistent, it’s probably insured up the ass…wait, what the hell is that?!

The Puppetrishi: Brainwashed minions…er, I mean, my friends, the destruction is not yet complete. We shall purify this land with the blood of discontents as they feel the power of Damaru. Raise your face to the goddess and ask not what the Ultra Passion movement can do for you, but what can you do for the movement.

Drooling Followers: Huzzah!

The Puppetrishi: Uh, ya know. Besides making things blow up and letting me rape you. ^_^

Braindead Morons: …O_O

The congregation gasps as a giant tentacle wraps around the cult leader’s face.

PuppetLisa: Fuck you, hippie. My show, my dome, my terrorist attack!

PuppetDrake: It’s like, you know…technically, it’s PuppetSimon’s show.

PuppetLiza: Yeah!

All the big heads turn to the cutest wittle magician in the world as she ties rainbow colored bows to MuppetCthulhu’s face. The Felted Charm begins to sing.

PuppetDrake: Motownphilly’s back again
Doin’ a little east coast swing
Boyz II Men going off
Not too hard, not too soft

Everybody: O_O

He shrugs.

PuppetDrake: I’m retired. Canon doesn’t mean shit to me anymore.

A rogue wave from outta nowhere sends the Drake out and about. Sure, his cameo could’ve been longer. But he has a tour to get cracking on. Dude’s the David Hasslehoff of Taiwan. Meanwhile, The Lone Puppet of the Apocalypse is not pleased.

PuppetLisa: Get your hands off of my mighty steed!

Her twin…clone…thing backs off with a sniffle.

PuppetLiza: Awwww.

Bandwagon Jumping Bastards: Awwwww.

The blonde one with the top hat seems stunned by the crowd behind her. Her head tilts. So do theirs. It’s the most awkward thing ever. Lots of staring and not saying anything. But eventually, good ideas happen.

PuppetLiza: Hey! You guys like magic?

Mob That Loves The Magic: Huzzah!

As that Johnny Depp looking prick is devoured by the love child of Henson and Lovecraft, we switch to whatever horribleness comes after this.

Long Time Coming Inferno Grudge Match

Johnny Maverick versus Maya

Linzi Martin: Welcome back to ringside, and Maya and Johnny Maverick are already in the ring. The referee for this match, Alan Stone, steps out of the ring as the ring is surrounded with the equipment needed to bring up the flames. The crowd is on their feet, stomping their feet to add a heavy and dreadful sound in the arena (as they’re being instructed to by the REBELTron. We are in the heart of the PWA, can’t expect these idiots to know how to do anything cool or exciting .) Simon Kalis is seated at the time keepers table, and with his one good eye he is likely to keep a close eye on this match.

Larry Gordon: I can feel the heat building already, Linzi.

Linzi Martin: God save them.

Maya hugs Johnny in the ring, teary eyed as they share a warm embrace which the crowd applauds thunderously. The flames spout up all around the ring now, and the bell sounds.

DING DING DING

Maya holds onto Johnny for a few moments still then backs away. Maya smiles at him, and he holds her face. She spins around and walks away from him, he backs up as they each take a corner to start. Both of them observe the flames, and they’re already beginning to sweat. The flames rise and recede like tidal waves at a beach, coming high and then returning at foot level. More often than not they remain at foot level. Johnny and Maya walk towards each other and grapple in the middle of the ring. It’s a mistake by Maya who doesn’t have the strength to even match Johnny, let alone overpower him. Johnny begins holding her down and breaking her down as Maya struggles with all her might to fight back. Her feet begin slipping on the canvas as she is driven to her knees but she stops the power of Johnny with a swift kick into his groin area. Johnny never saw it coming, he lets go and holds little Johnny. Maya with a spinning heel kick takes Johnny to the canvas. But Maya isn’t about to relent, she knows that Johnny just doesn’t fall down without getting up. She springboards herself off the top rope, as flames whoosh up towards her barely missing her, and lands an asai moonsault on her ex-fiance. Or so she thought! Johnny lifts his knees to his chest and crushes her ribs as she lands. Maya rolls off of Johnny clutching her sides.

Linzi Martin: As everyone is aware, this is Maya’s final match in REBEL Pro. This is her fourth match inside a REBEL Pro ring, and she has three wins up until this night in REBEL Pro.

Larry Gordon: Impressive, but Johnny is a REBEL Icon who is a former REBEL Pro World Champion. I watched personally as Johnny came into his own here in REBEL Pro, and I know he’s one of the best in the business.

Johnny picks Maya up by her hair and hits a forearm smash. He knees her in the gut and she keels over. He grabs onto her and hits a jumping DDT, that crushes her face against the canvas. He lifts her right back up and takes her towards the ropes. He holds her by the neck and seemingly apologizes as he pushes her over the ropes, the flames remain at foot level however. Simon Kalis on the outside of the ring jumps up out of his seat but with his jaw sealed shut, he can’t even scream for Maya to fight back. Maya however elbows Johnny in the gut, and just as the flames go for their next wave up she pulls herself away from the fire and barely saves herself. She hits a springboard back elbow on the hurt former REBEL Pro Champion. He stumbles back. Maya again jumps onto the top rope and with amazing agility then launches herself off the top rope and lands on Johnny’s neck and shoulders. She rubs his face in her crotch and giggles on the days he was there willingly, before flipping backwards and taking him down to the canvas. She hooks the leg and then quickly realizes there’s no pinfall in this match, blushing in embarrassment.

Larry Gordon: What a rookie mistake. You’d think a Kalis would know better.

Linzi Martin: She’s getting there Larry. She has to be nervous. Fucking Johnny Maverick is a god damn REBEL legend, you said it yourself. It’d make anyone nervous, and then staxyn vs viagra throw in the fact they were engaged? Cut her some slack.

Maya gets to her feet and lifts Johnny up. She hits a spinning neckbreaker on him and takes him right back down to the canvas. She mounts him and begins wailing away on him with repeated lefts and rights with her closed fists before backhand chopping his chest a few times. Johnny looks up at her and smiles, and she licks her lips but he takes this moment of distraction to grab her by the waist and reverse their positions, slamming her against the canvas and repeatedly elbowing her across the face. She tries to cover up but she can’t and on the final shot Johnny cracks her so hard she’s seemingly knocked out, and the crowd can smell the impending victory.

Larry Gordon: It was a nice try. Wasn’t it?

Johnny lifts Maya up and takes her over to the ropes, close to the flames.

Linzi Martin: This isn’t over yet!

Johnny pushes Maya over but she wiggles her way free out of nowhere and gets behind Johnny. Johnny’s caught completely off guard, and she jumps back and then as Johnny turns around she lifts her leg up and hits her superkick finisher Perdition! Johnny catches it in the chin, bounces over the top rope as the flames shoot up and catch him on fire! The bell rings!

DING DING DING!

Jenny Jersey: The winner of this match, MAYA!

Maya has her hand raised as EMT’s at ringside quickly use fire extinguishers to put out Johnny Maverick. She quickly hops out of the ring and checks on Johnny.

Linzi Martin: So much for good try eh Larry?

Gordon grumbles to himself as Simon gets up from his seat and pulls Maya off of Johnny. Johnny looks up, stunned at the loss but cautious at what Simon is about to do. But the arena cheers when Simon extends a hand and helps Johnny to his feet, raising his hand in the air. Such a crazy moment garners many camera flashes as Simon nods to Johnny with respect, silently since he can’t talk. Maya grabs her fathers arm and the two begin walking away, but Maya is sure to throw a wink back at Johnny for good measure.

Larry Gordon: She got INCREDIBLY lucky, as all her kin do.

A Kidnapping in St. Louis

The scene cuts backstage with Jeremy Gold not hiding underneath his desk (shocker!). Instead, he seems to be daydreaming. About what, you say? Probably something like him and Bobby Lee on top of mountains of sugaries while annihilating Xenon the Xequel via ravenous butt sex. can you buy viagra over the counter Which is probably a smart thing because that was a rather horrible second coming to an almost halfway decent Disney Channel Made for TV movie. Then again, that could be the nostalgia talking. Fuck knows. Anyway, while he’s doing that, a Kalis approaches.

PuppetSimon: …

Well, almost. Despite the whole evolution from Tupac to Nick Motherfucking Fury, PuppetSimon still doesn’t have even a raspy voice. Why was that again?

*BZZT!*

Paxton’s boot. Simon’s jaw. CRACK!

*BZZT!*

Oh, yeah. That.

PuppetSimon: *scribbles* “Note to self: kill RealSimon.”

And throughout this whole pity party, it seems that Goldie finally snapped the fuck out of his pipedream and realized who’s standing on his desk.

Jeremy Gold: Simon? You shrunk. O_O

If a button eye could blink, it would. For a minute, we can see the tiniest hint of a patented headtilt before the Killa Kally wanna-be shrugs and proceeds to pop a cap inches from the human’s(?) head. As Jeremy nearly faints, the real star of the show arrives!

PuppetLisa: Sic ‘em, Cthulhu!

Of course, the Not Quite Elder God starts to rampage forth, causing its dinner to already shit his pants as a result. But just as unspeakable things are about to happen…

PuppetTeresa: Wiiiiiiiiiins!

…that damn pair of stilts just had to trip on a damn crack. She splats atop of Muppet Chtulu, leaving it stunned. PuppetLiza poofs in a magic cloud of fairy dust just in time to help her up. PuppetLisa meanwhile facepalms.

PuppetLisa: And TwatLisa thought she had issues with simpletons.

Somehow grabbing our favorite coke fiend by the hair as he whimpers over what he just saw, the Queen of Everything drags him out. The rest follow behind.

Merry Time Massacre 2012

Join REBEL Pro next time we are back on Pay Per View! As REBEL Pro, in association with The Alliance of Wrestling Federations proudly presents Merry Time Massacre! Live! December 17th, 2012 from The Aggression Arena in Raleigh, North Carolina!

Wrestling’s Undisputed

Very much expected, “Game of Thrones Main Title” by Ramin Djawadi accompanies Underground X Undisputed Tag Team Champions, Deicide & Cesar Salazar, also known as Wrestling’s Undisputed, to ringside, to a hateful reception, yet also to thousands of flashing lights birthing from cameras of all sorts.

Linzi Martin: “Looks like the rumors were true, Underground X’s prominent tag team is here, but for what?”

Jake Norton: “I’m pretty sure everyone knows the statement beforehand.”

Now inside the ring, Jenny Jersey hands Cesar Salazar the microphone she just used to introduce them, as if necessary. Accepting it gentlemanlike, Salazar looks like a Mexican Jesus in his full white suit and glorious gem of a tag championship wrapped around his waist, but this reaction from REBEL’s finest fans suggest Salazar to be a wicked member of the cartel.

Cesar Salazar: “Guys, guys. Please. I have a joke to tell. It’s a real slobber knocker.”

Deicide: “I pissed myself the whole ride here.”

Cesar Salazar: “No easy feat, but this is so good, I expect Allen Chaney to steal it.”

Deicide: “Go on, tell them the joke.”

Cesar Salazar: “Last week, for the fourth consecutive ‘Losers Leave UX’, my partner and I successfully defended our tag championships and forced out the final team in the Ultra Passion Movement, which practically leaves our division on a respirator. Four tag teams tried and utterly failed against our combined might. Los Pollos, the Giants, Soviet Union, Ultra Russians, none of them could dispute us. We’ve ruined the careers of eight men by embarrassing them through our technical prowess, torturing their bodies into submission, then left them without means of paying bills or having quality food on the table; that about sums up what we’ve done, recently.”

Linzi Martin: “This must be a dark joke.”

Cesar Salazar: “In the midst of this fine demonstration of supremacy, we visited ‘Off the Record, with Michael Landsberg’ who asked, what comes after mastering the entire division of your company? Our presence inside this ring says what’s next: we rinse and repeat in another company.”

Although some jeered at this, most fans remain quiet, quite possibly from intrigue.

Cesar Salazar: “Here’s where we laugh. Please refrain from booing so you hear this. Obviously, if you are either a fan of REBEL Pro or Underground X, you’d know there is an ongoing rivalry between the two promotions. However, there is also a working relationship; a talent exchange, if you will. That means wrestlers employed by either company are free to show up on one another’s broadcast. After accomplishing all that we have as of late, Simon Kalis approached us and spoke of a chance to broaden our message of Undisputed. He said the tag title match for this very show had been cancelled due to the mysterious disappearance of one Matthew Engel. Almost unnerved by his card’s lack of draw power, Simon became eager to have Wrestling’s Undisputed outwrestle his current tag team champions, Stolen Hearts, for the REBEL Pro Tag Team Championships.”

Deicide: “Such an awful name.”

Jake Norton: “Here, here.”

Cesar Salazar: “So we agreed, knowing that obtaining our rival promotion’s tag belts would elevate our message to an utmost standard, but, one day later, we hear news of Matt Stone & Emily Corlen quitting REBEL Pro.”

Jake Norton: “AHAHAHAHAHAHAH”

Linzi Martin: “Are they really going to talk about this?”

The fans voice vulgar disapprovals, but neither at Salazar nor Deicide. These are directed at Stone & Corlen.

Cesar Salazar: “Wait, it gets better. The reason why they quit? So they didn’t have to wrestle us. Now, they didn’t just say, “we’re sorry, Wrestling’s Undisputed, for trying to pass ourselves off as proper champions” but they tried to save face! Most noticeably, Emily Corlen said some utter bullshit about ‘needing to keep her priorities’ of being PWA Champion.”

Linzi Martin: “Emily tried burying REBEL Pro? How are we not a top priority?”

Deicide: “It’s like.. After quitting a company where you were champion, especially when this quitting is an attempt to avoid wrestling a simple match, there’s no coming back from that. Every single fucking person will see through you for what you are: a punk bitch.”

Cesar Salazar: “We are talking about Corlen and Stone here, though. Everyone in the business has taken a shit on them, and yet, they do find mild success still. We can admit that, can’t we?”

Deicide: “Sure, but take into account WHERE and against WHO they defeat to find this ‘success’, and they’re back to square one.”

Cesar Salazar: “Normally, Dei, we’d be real cheeky about this. But I find no reason to be clever. Since whenever it started, I reiterate, every wrestler with an ounce of intelligence for this business has blatantly acknowledged Emily & Stone’s awful nature. Now, without doubt, we can universally declare Emily Corlen & Matt Stone the best worst ‘champions’ of all time. Never before have we seen such cowardice, such unintentional self-punishment at a constant rate; their methods of madness would convince you this is an elaborate work, but no. It just isn’t. Those two are legitimately retarded. It’s just a shame it took REBEL Pro this long to figure it out, and the cost is the promotion’s integrity, value and respect.”

Deicide: “And that’s where we switch subjects. I don’t feel like trashing those faggots anymore, either. Let’s talk about REBEL Pro in general. As of right now, without even applying an armbar, we’ve forced REBEL’s world champion and tag champions to quit. Consequently, those supposed prestigious championships are vacant, but I’m sure Kalis will be quick to setup tournaments or whatever. And, that’s the best course of action, particularly for us. Since, well, there’s no better way of invading a company than how we are: widespread fear. As result of this blasphemy, Salazar & I stand here the Undisputed Tag Team Champions, and we say to all those, whomever remains in this pitiful division, to come try us. Come out here and avenge your company’s humiliating loss to Underground X, to Wrestling’s Undisputed.”

Fans all along the seats chant, “Second 2 None! Second 2 None!”

Linzi Martin: “I wish.”

Jake Norton: “It’d be a dream match if those four are pit together.”

Cesar Salazar: “If all the actual tag teams have quit as well, hell, we’d accept the odd pairing! Doesn’t anyone cherish their promotion’s reputation? Don’t you realize how terrible every single one of you looks right now? Stone & Emily’s actions ultimately affect all of you as well, but here’s your chance to prove to the world you all are not wimps like them; that you are strong characters willing to fight for whatever you believe in at any cost. We just want an actual challenge, really. A justification for wanting to hold these allegedly ‘big time’ tag championships that’re so big time, people have to adjust their priorities.”

Deicide: “Exactly. We’re already holding the absolute tag titles. In all actuality, if these REBEL items are treated with such recklessness, there’d be no point to even keep them. Pull a Reece Paxton and burn the titles in the trash can. Is that what all you REBEL Pro marks want to see? Your favorite promotion’s belts being desecrated?”

REBEL Fans: “SHUT THE FUCK UP. SHUT THE FUCK UP”

Deicide: “That’s not a clever chant, is it?”

Cesar Salazar: “They’re emotional right now, Deicide. The embarrassment is even overwhelming them. What’s even worse, though, is we’ve been in this ring for almost ten minutes, laughing at this company whilst getting paid by Simon Kalis and sucking up airtime on one of their biggest shows of the year; calling whoever has pride to come out and give these fans, but more importantly, give us the satisfaction of actually whooping some REBEL candy ass.”

Deicide: “Exactly! People, we have your best interests in heart! We want to give you guys a glimpse at the awesomeness of Underground X’s product by putting such a ‘BIG TIME’ promotion to shame physically instead of just verbally. Yet, where is everyone?! Why hasn’t the typical run-in entrance happen yet??”

Cesar Salazar: “They’re probably backstage playing rock, paper, scissors; determining who gets the ass-whooping first.”

Deicide: “I’m getting bored now, Ces.”

Cesar Salazar: “This does seem like a big waste of time.”

Deicide: “Ahaha. You know what? I just remembered that Underground X is supposed to be the underdogs in this story, yet here we are making a mockery of this global company.”

Finally, to the happiness of everyone, Johnny Maverick & Anna Mathews come rushing down the ramp, taking Wrestling’s Undisputed by surprise! Slipping inside the ring, the KKK (Kontroversy Kreates Kake) attacks a grinning Deicide and laughing Cesar Salazar with fierce punches that immediately wipe those smug expressions off their faces! With all four exchanging hands, dual chants of Maverick & Mathews spring from the audience, and eventually, the REBEL defenders gradually overwhelm the UX invaders!

Deicide, after a big ball of violence, is left bleeding from his nostrils and in an effective daze, but Anna being the adorable badass she is, delights these fans with an extra ‘Fuck You, Deicide’ through multiple slaps followed by a spinning chop, followed by a roundhouse kick to the side of the head and finished with a Tornado DDT! Opposite of this action, Maverick’s ‘THIS IS SPARTA’ flavored, powerful running boot is delivered so excellently, Cesar Salazar flips over-the-top-rope, lands on his feet, but instantly staggers backward into the guardrail, hitting it rather hard!!

Under two minutes, Wrestling’s Undisputed has been disposed of, for now. In victory, Anna Mathews & Johnny Maverick pick up the Underground X Tag Championships, raising them skyward to complete their act of equalizers!

To Kill? Or Not To Kill?

PuppetLiza: Well? What are you going to do with him?

The stupidest question brought to you by the doofiest puppet. Her legs hang over the edge of a production trunk as the gaggle of miscellaneous idiots fan her with the remains of Mr. Hardcore. That Other Lisa and PuppetSimon the Awesome pace around a bound and gagged Jeremy Gold. The question is stupid because they’re planning to screw him up more than what he is now. It’s what they do. But how? He has been shot at, screamed at, not given a paycheck, forced into rehab, and shoehorned into a tag team with the Ruby Vagina Emlee Korlin. What could they do to him that hasn’t already been done?

???: Why don’t you waterboard him?

The plotters quit plotting and look towards the entrance.

???: I mean, ripping his heart out and feeding it to him would also be great. Either way.

The figure, looking dapper in his green tuxedo, shrugs while holding a white box on one hand and his Vapple iFelt on the other. Angry Birds are angry and so is PuppetVirus…at least 80% of the time. Today, he seems more disinterested than anything.

PuppetLisa: You’re late.

The Queen does her best ‘gimmie one good reason why I should spare your life’ glare. He sets the box down in response.

PuppetVirus: I brought donuts.

PuppetTeresa: In win win inner win?

PuppetVirus: Yes, I got the maple crème stick.

PuppetTeresa: WINS!

PuppetVirus: I don’t understand you Canuckleheads. Maple leafs, maple syrup, maple donuts from Tim Horton’s. What’s your deal?

PuppetLisa: Wait…you can actually understand what the stork bitch is saying?

PuppetVirus: Only when she’s not talking Mandarin.

PuppetTeresa: Winner inn wins?

To what seems to be yet another stupid question, he sighs.

PuppetVirus: I keep telling you that’s only sexy if you say ‘I will rape the skulls of my victims after pushing them off a cliff’.

PuppetLisa: I’ve done that before.

In the background, PuppetSimon gives out an impressive audible eyeroll. PuppetLiza begin to say something all PuppetLiza before deciding to just shut up and practice her magic tricks. Meanwhile, our newcomer asks…

PuppetVirus: So, you gonna torture him or not?

All the big heads look to the still bound, still gagged, still scared shitless Gold and come to one conclusion.

PuppetLisa: After the donut break.

Long Time Coming ONLY ATTACKS WITH WEAPONS ALLOWED(LOL FUCK YOU VIRGIN KEENAN) Grudge Match

Virgil Keenan versus Anna Mathews

Jake Norton: “These two. These two right here. Man, this is the fucking match we’ve all been waiting for. Whenever Anna and Virgil got cameras nearby, especially when they’re scheduled to wrestle each other, masterful promos incoming. I’m genuinely pumped.”

Linzi Martin: “Right now, in the ring, Anna wields two kendo sticks, but Virgil refuses to engage her with a weapon of his own.”

Jake Norton: “He said a simple half-nelson suplex would do the trick.”

Linzi Martin: “Anna won’t let him throw the match, though. She’s going to kick his ass the old fashion way.”

Jake Norton: “Swinging for the fences, Anna misses Virgil several times, thanks to his slick agility – THERE YOU GO! – but ultimately, Anna’s 180 swing sees the stick slapping Virgil across his face!”

Linzi Martin: “Transitioned into a swift Russian legsweep with the kendo stick pressed against online viagra Virgil’s neck!”

Jake Norton: “While on her way up onto her feet, she bashes the fallen Motherfucker repeatedly with those kendo.”

Linzi Martin: “Opting to switch up her attack, Anna ditches the kendo sticks for a steel chair -“

Jake Norton: “ARABIAN FACEBUSTER”

Linzi Martin: “She goes for the pin, but Virgil is quick to kickout!”

Jake Norton: “No way did he kickout any other way other than instinct.”

Linzi Martin: “Eyeing the table setup against a turnbuckle, Anna smashes her steel chair twice against virgil’s back as she drags him toward it.”

Jake Norton: “As Virgil lays against the table, the chair is unfolded a few feet behind him. Running across the ring, leaping off the chair, Anna’s legdrop brings them both through the table!”

Linzi Martin: “Yet that still isn’t enough to put Virgil away!”

Jake Norton: “Of course not, but pin attempts is protocol. You’ll never know how effective those things are. No, these fans expect Virgil’s damage intake to be massive before he succumbs. He’s not a fucking quitter.”

Linzi Martin: “Pulling herself onto the

top rope, Anna’s Arabian Press takes her stomach-first onto the steel chair laying against Virgil’s head!!”

Jake Norton: “He’s bound to have a concussion now. Christ, you can’t be taking all this shit to the head, man. This dog might get dementia.”

Linzi Martin: “Or that toothless aggression, yo.”

Jake Norton: “Helping Virgil onto his feet, Anna stops the assist halfway up to run across the ring, come back for a jump onto the chair – GOD DAMN”

Linzi Martin: “DOUBLE UNDERHOOK DDT ONTO THE STEEL CHAIR!”

Jake Norton: “That chair is broken, now. Lol did you see how the legs gave way?!”

Linzi Martin: “Yes, and these fans definitely did, too.”

Jake Norton: “When fans mark, I get chills up my spine. Anna must feel special right now.”

Linzi Martin: “She’s too busy looking around the ring for other objects to use. Oh, there’s a cheese grater, but Virgil is wearing a mask.”

Jake Norton: “Go for the lighter fluid!”

Linzi Martin: “Flaming tables are so outdated.”

Jake Norton: “What the – Shut your mouth. You’re an idiot.”

Linzi Martin: “What’s so great about them?”

Jake Norton: “Seriously, let’s not talk about this. I’m already upset.”

Linzi Martin: “Wrapping a steel chain around her fist, Anna mounts Virgil and pounds his face flatter than a pancake!”

Jake Norton: “He’s bleeding from the mouth and nose! Or is it just from the nose? There’s so much blood!”

Linzi Martin: “Twelve shots to the face, in total. Comfortable with that, Anna brings Virgil onto his feet, “

Jake Norton: “SHE’S GOING FOR A HALF-NELSON”

Linzi Martin: “NOPE”

Jake Norton: “Overpowering Anna, Virgil escapes but is punched from behind, courtesy of a chain-covered fist!”

Linzi Martin: “This match is ridiculously brutal!”

Jake Norton: “Down on one knee, blood drips from the face of Virgil onto the canvas! Anna stalks him, looking for the finish, right?”

Linzi Martin: “She’s trying for that Half-Nelson again!”

Jake Norton: “Bringing Virgil overhead!”

Linzi Martin: “He lands on his feet!”

Jake Norton: “Anna knows, she throws a steel-covered right hook!”

Linzi Martin: “Virgil ducks,”

Jake Norton: “HALF-NELSON SUPLEX!!!!!”

Linzi Martin: “HE MAY HAVE JUST BROKEN ANNA’S NECK”

Jake Norton: “Holy shit, she’s not moving!”

Linzi Martin: “Referee Emerald Stone is calling for the bell!”

Jake Norton: “Virgil just got himself disqualified, making Anna the winner, but she doesn’t look like a fucking winner right now. Seriously, I don’t think she’s moving. Is she breathing?”

Taking off his headset, Norton gets up from the commentator’s table and goes inside the ring, just as EMTs rush out from the back. Virgil stands atop a turnbuckle, embracing the hate, and proudly displaying his bloody grin.

 

Welcome Back?

A hand, very scarred, blistered, and calissed, grips a pen as a name is scribbled across a dotted line. The dotted line, well it belongs to a very thick packet of papers.

Simon Kalis(v/o): “Glad to have you sir.”

The dark hand of Simon Kalis shakes the scarred white hand of the man who recently signed what appears to be a contract. The man has his back to us as the picture shifts to show him and Simon Kalis standing across the desk from each other. Simon’s jaw is wired shut and he’s over his computer, using a computer program made for him to type and hit enter and allowing his voice to still speak for him when he can’t physically do so himself. The white man is wearing a mask and speaks; there is something familiar about his voice.

Masked Man: Glad to be signed in the fastest growing company in the entirety of professional wrestling.

Simon smiles and both turn as the door bursts open, Larry Gordon comes in, his face a bit red from the exertion to get there quickly.

Gordon: “Simon, you know you are not allowed to sign any new contracts without my permission. You know what the paper said that I still have control over contracts.”

Simon shakes his head, typing his message down and then hitting enter.

Simon: “I’m afraid not Larry, when you screwed me over by joining the Masters of the Apocalypse, you sealed your fate.”

Gordon shoves past the masked man, Larry gives him a passing glance.

Gordon: “You know that filthy redneck is going to try something to get back in this company.”

Simon: “Larry, he cannot wrestle for Rebel Pro ever again; you saw to that by using your last veto right when I went against you and tried to re-hire him.”

Gordon smiles, finally truly noticing the man in front of the desk.

Gordon: “So, what do you think you can actually bring to Rebel Pro?”

Simon smiles; Gordon leans over to read the name on the contract.

Gordon: “Mr. Dale Petty.”

Gordon looks back up into the masked face.

Dale Petty: “I can bring unadultarated violence. I can bring bloodshed of which the likes have never been seen before. I can bring the strongest man down to his knees. In other words Mr. Gordon, I don’t play well with others.”

Gordon looks at the man, smiling.

Gordon: “Exactly what we are looking for in someone competing in Rebel Pro.”

Gordon turns to Simon.

Gordon: “Book this man in a match Simon at the next show.”

Simon nods, making a notation of it on a pad and then typing up his next message over the computer to speak for him.

Simon: “You got it Larry, as though I needed your permission.”

He smiles, knowing something, but Gordon expects nothing.

Gordon: “So, what inspired you to want to join Rebel Pro?”

Dale: “Bubba J, the Ragin’ Redneck.”

Gordon frowns heavily.

Gordon: “And why?”

The man nods.

Dale: “Regardless whether you like him or not, he’s a mainstay, he’s hardcore, he’s one of the toughest in the business. Like him or n ot, he could draw blood, he could draw a crowd, he could draw merchandise sales.”

Gordon nods, having to reluctantly agree with this.

Gordon: “Well, how about removing that mask so we can get a good look at you.”

Dale shakes his head.

Dale: “You don’t want me to do that, this face isn’t one that you want to see.”

Gordon laughs.

Gordon: “Sure it is, come on show us.”

Dale reaches up, untying the lace and as the mask drops, so does Larry’s chin.

Dale: “Hey Larry…. I told you that you wouldn’t want to see my face.”

Gordon sputters.

Bubba J: “Now shut the hell up and pick your chin up off the floor.”

He smiles.

Gordon: “You can’t wrestle in Rebel Pro!”

Dale/Bubba J kicks him right in the balls, delivering a vicious Trailer Park Trash. Bubba J/Dale stands over Gordon, dropping the mask onto his face as he looks down at Gordon.

Dale: “No, but Dale Petty can.”

He and Simon slap five with each other as he leaves the office; Simon looks down at Gordon and smiles. He uses his computer to sound out one more message.

Simon: “Gold… get someone to come clean up my office.”

He puts his feet up on the desk, crossing them at the ankles, as he lights a cigarette. He then realizes Jeremy Gold is no where to be found, cocks an eye brow wondering where his trusty sidekick is as we fade to…

Ezekiel 25:17

We open to the sounds of roaring water and asphyxiation. Which only means one thing.

Jeremy Gold: *Panting, gasping, and faux death rattles*

Donut break is officially over.

PuppetVirus: We’re going to ask you a few questions. Are you ready to cooperate?

I think with all the shock of being thisclose to a near death experience, the poor dude doesn’t have the energy to confirm a damn thing.

PuppetVirus: What country are you from?

Jeremy Gold: …what?

PuppetVirus: What ain’t a country I ever heard of. They speak English in What?

Jeremy Gold: What?

PuppetVirus: English, motherfucker. Do. You. Speak. It?!

Goldie doesn’t even get a chance to respond before once again being covered by plastic and water.

PuppetSimon: >:( *scribble* “Cereal. Need to kill RealSimon.”

The

PuppetVirus: Do you know the way to San Jose?

Jeremy Gold: N-no…

PuppetVirus: How can you not know? It’s right over there!

He points to a dot on the wall with an arrow labeled San Jose. Miss Pixiedust is just flat disgusted.

PuppetLiza: This is horrible! Why are you guys even doing this to a poor sweet misunderstood little man?

Her new followers seem perplexed by this outburst. Time seems come to a grinding halt as the twosome stop what they’re doing to think about this inquiry.

PuppetVirus: I’m doing for my own shits and giggles. You?

PuppetLisa: Proof of superiority.

PuppetVirus: Don’t you have titles for that?

For some reason (probably dramatic effect), the Mini-Queen of the Sea turns around to see all her titles tacked up on the wall. Seriously. It’s like a memorial for dead promotions. She shrugs.

PuppetLisa: Don’t you?

He can’t help but look at the AoWF Tag Team title around his waist AND the PWA Tag title roosting on his shoulder.

PuppetVirus: Point taken.

With that, the brutality and random questions commence. The Polly cotton blend Lizatanna is not deterred.

PuppetLiza: PuppetSimon, do something!

To be honest, the REBEL just doesn’t give a fuck. He slits the throat of a giant rat as a sacrifice to his own greatness, bathes in the blood, and shoves a glass eye in the rodent’s ass.

PuppetLiza: I can’t believe I have to deal with a bunch of…meanieheads!

She stomps away to great fanfare.

PuppetVirus: Do we even know if this is canon?

PuppetLisa: We kinda live in a moral grey area.

Jeremy Gold: …I am…a walnut! Get me out of here!

How about we get out instead?

Jeremy Gold: Noooo!

Too bad!

AoWF World Heavyweight Championship: Pure Rules Match

Marvin Wood versus The Phoenix©

Larry Gordon: Thank God that Jake Norton guy decided to leave. Who’s he think he is usurping my spot here?

Linzi Martin: Sexier than you, at least.

DING DING

Jenny Jersey: The following contest is scheduled for one fall, and will be fought under Pure Rules! It shall be for the Alliance of Wrestling Federations World Heavyweight Championship belt. AND the vacant REBEL Pro World Heavyweight Championship! Introducing first, THE CHALLENGER!

‘The Lonely Shepherd’ by Gheorghe Zamfir begins to play from the PA system into the arena. After a few seconds, “The Consummate Professional” Marvin Wood appears from behind the curtain with a dour expression on his face. He walks to the middle of the stage area and stands there for a few seconds, to survey the audience. He then begins walking down the entrance-way. Many of the members of the audience boo, some catcall and a few cheer. He looks at no-one as he approaches the ring, but stretches his fingers a bit. He stretches three fingers on each hand, first, and then four fingers on each hand.

Jenny Jersey: He hails from Pontefract, England! Standing in at 6’2 inches, and weighing in tonight at 240 pounds… MARVIN WOOD!

Marvin walks towards the ring steps, and walks up them and towards the middle of the apron, sliding his hand over the top rope as he does so. He pauses there for a few seconds, before entering the ring, right leg first and then left leg. He enters the ring with plenty of pomp and circumstance, as if he were a foot taller than he is. He then walks over to the opposite turnbuckle and waits.

Larry Gordon: This match is huge. Possibly one of, if not the biggest main event in the history of REBEL Pro.

Linzi Martin: Marvin Wood meets The Phoenix! Hell yeah!

Jenny Jersey: And his opponent! He is the Alliance of Wrestling Federations WORRRRRRLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION!!!!

The arena lights shut off and several seconds of silence pass. Then, in the darkness an old man’s voice begins to sing…

Oh Death
Oh Death
Won’t you spare me over ’til another year?

Pyro explodes around the entrance ramp and stage area. As the flash from the lights fade, we see a figure standing there in a long black robe, his face hidden behind the large hood. As the fires continue to burn along the ramp, the figure advances to the ring. As he passes each fire, it extinguishes.

Jenny Jersey: He stands in at 6 feet tall, weighing in tonight at 230 pounds… He is THE PHOENIX!!!!

Finally, he reaches the ring steps and climbs in before pulling can you buy viagra over the counter back the hood, revealing the Phoenix, wearing a new black and white mask instead of his normal black and red as the crowd boos heavily. Referee Alan Stone raises both the AoWF World and REBEL Pro World championships in the air for all the world to see before handing them off at ringside. Phoenix and Wood take their corners and nod to each other with respect. Both men look around the PWA Dome, the sold out crowd on their feet.

Linzi Martin: This is it. Will Marvin Wood walk out with the greatest achievement in his career? Or will The Phoenix be reborn, with a new World title to boot?

DING DING DING

Both men tie up and grapple, as a power struggle begins. Marvin Wood has the slight size and power advantage and uses it as he pushes Phoenix away and then gives him a chop across the chest. Phoenix stumbles back.

Larry Gordon: I’m sure most folks are wondering, “what is a Pure Rules wrestling match?”

Wood goes for a short arm clothesline, but Phoenix ducks it.

Linzi Martin: That’s a good question, Larry. Cause I sure have no clue what that is.

Phoenix grabs hold of Marvin Wood and slams him down to the canvas with a perfectly executed DDT.

Larry Gordon: First off, each wrestler is entitled to three rope breaks to stop submissions and pin falls.

Phoenix lifts Wood up, but Marvin lashes back with a European uppercut.

Larry Gordon: Once those three rope breaks have been used, submissions and pin falls done within the ropes are considered legal.

Wood with a Full Nelson Suplex now takes Phoenix down clean.

Linzi Martin: So after three rope breaks, you no longer get that protection?

Wood hooks the leg, and covers.

Larry Gordon: Exactly.

1!

KICK OUT!

Larry Gordon: There are no closed-fist punches to the face allowed in a Pure match, only open-handed slaps or chops to the face are allowed. Punches to other parts of the body (save for low-blows) are permitted. The first use of a closed fist will get a warning, and the second will cause the wrestler to be penalized a rope break. If he is already out of rope breaks, he will be disqualified.

Phoenix with an elbow into Marvin Woods sternum gives him the chance to get to his feet as Wood recoils. Phoenix lifts Wood up, but Wood pushes him away and then the two men grapple again.

Linzi Martin: I’m sure that won’t be a problem for two technically wonderful wrestlers like Wood and Robinson.

Phoenix with a knee to Woods gut gets the upper advantage, taking hold of Wood’s head again he hits a neckbreaker that shakes the ring.

Larry Gordon: Yep. Now the third rule is pretty simple. It’s a 20 count if either of them goes to the outside of the ring, instead of 10.

Phoenix continues to focus on Wood’s neck and head region as he locks up a sleeper hold on the REBEL Pro Aggression Champion. He wrenches the hold, as can you buy viagra over the counter referee Alan Stone checks up on Marvin Wood. Wood is still with it and aware of what’s going on but it’s becoming clear that the hold is taking its toll on Marvin Wood. Marvin forces himself toward the ropes, but Phoenix yanks back and it’s a slow move. The crowd boos, most likely because they really hate both men but they hate Marvin Wood perhaps a bit less.

Larry Gordon: Wood is in bad shape if he can’t get to the ropes.

Linzi Martin: But he is a fighter and he hasn’t been on an incredible roll in REBEL Pro for nothing.

Marvin grabs the bottom rope finally and The Phoenix is forced to let go of the hold. The Phoenix is on his feet and notices a fan in the crowd whom he points out to while Wood is still getting up. The fan holds a sign reading: “BRING BACK ROBINSON PRO” and that gets a smirk behind The Phoenix’s mask. Wood however takes the opportunity to roll up Phoenix from behind!

1!

Larry Gordon: Wood has used 1 of 3 rope breaks for the record.

2!!

Linzi Martin: Might not matter right now!

KICK OUT!

The Phoenix kicks out and rolls away from Wood. Wood quick to capitalize as he climbs the top rope and stands cautiously on the top turnbuckle. He goes for a top rope splash and lands hard on The Phoenix. Wood with another pin and the fans are on their feet.

1!

2!!

ROPE BREAK!

Phoenix places his right foot on the bottom rope out of pure instinct, thus saving himself the match.

Linzi Martin: And now Rob Robinson has used one of his three entitled rope breaks.

Wood gets to his feet and Phoenix sweeps him off of his feet from the canvas. The Phoenix is back up now and lifts Marvin Wood up. Marvin with a hard knife edged chop right across Phoenix’s chest pushes Phoenix back. Wood with another hard knife edge chop on The AoWF World Champion but Phoenix responds by grabbing Wood and taking him down with a Russian Leg Sweep. Phoenix rolls over onto Wood and flips him over, grabbing his legs and locking in a Texas Cloverleaf! The crowd is on their feet to see if Robinson finally has Wood beat.

Larry Gordon: A switch in strategy for The Phoenix perhaps? He had been focusing on Wood’s head and neck, perhaps trying to weaken him there before using his patented cradle piledriver, The Flame, on Marvin Wood but now with this submission it switches things up.

Phoenix wrenches the hold, yelling at Wood to tap out. But Wood is an immaculate professional wrestler who refuses calmly.

Linzi Martin: No I think it was more the desperation factor. It was just easier to get Wood locked down in this.

Wood uses his upper body strength to begin crawling himself to the ropes. The Phoenix almost seems as if he’s allowing this, nodding to Alan Stone. The Phoenix plants himself to stop Wood just before the ropes. Wood winces as he pushes forward with all his strength and latches onto the bottom rope. Alan Stone begins counting down for Phoenix to let go.

Linzi Martin: Oh boy. I think I figured out Phoenix’s game plan.

Phoenix lets go and steps forward, dusting off his hands.

Larry Gordon: Which is?

Wood rubs his lower back and exchanges some words with referee Alan Stone. Wood begins pulling himself back to his feet.

Linzi Martin: He’s forcing Wood to use his rope breaks. What a clever dog that Phoenix is.

Wood rushes at Phoenix with a heavy forearm smash. Phoenix gets knocked into the corner and Wood unleashes a barrage of forearm smashes, one after the other in quick succession and it definitely rattles The Phoenix’s head. Phoenix stumbles forward out of the corner and Wood with a hip toss takes him down. Both Wood and Phoenix are up and Wood places Phoenix in a standing side head lock, wrenching the move. Phoenix holds on, trying to get his bearings in order to retaliate. Phoenix lifts Wood off the canvas and slams him to the canvas, both men now down and out on the canvas. Phoenix throws himself over Wood and covers.

1!

2!!

KICK OUT!

Wood easily kicks out. Phoenix gets to his feet and so does Wood. Phoenix latches onto Wood and locks him into a standing wrist lock. Wood reverses it and puts Phoenix into a collar-elbow tie up. Phoenix gets himself out and quickly locks Wood into an abdominal stretch. Wood yells out and shakes his head as Phoenix wrenches the hold, the crowd growing restless as well at this point. Wood wriggles himself free and hits a desperation clothesline on Phoenix to take him down. Before The Phoenix can get up, Marvin Wood locks on a chicken wing camel clutch on The Phoenix. Phoenix’s eyes widen from the sensational pain as Wood now wrenches this hold and informs his friend that it’d likely be in his best interest to just tap out and admit defeat. Phoenix squirms but can’t do much to get free and it becomes obvious the life is slipping away from him with every passing moment.

Larry Gordon: Could be lights out for The Phoenix!

Marvin Wood lets go suddenly and gets to his feet, backing away from The Phoenix. The Phoenix gets to his feet slowly and turns around. That’s when Marvin Wood runs forward and hits his patented Running STO, The Imperfect Tense! He immediately pins Phoenix tightly and the crowd jumps to their feet!

1!

2!!

3!!!

NO!!! NO!!! AT THE LAST SECOND PHOENIX REACHES OUT WITH HIS FREE ARM AND GRABS THE BOTTOM ROPE! THE CROWD CAN’T BELIEVE IT!

Linzi Martin: As they say! BAH GAWD! BAH GAWD LARRY! PHOENIX WITH THE SAVE OF HIS CAREER!

Wood wastes no time trying to argue with referee Alan Stone as he pulls Phoenix from the ropes and lifts his legs up, placing his leg in-between Phoenix’s he then flips him over and locks in a Texas Cloverleaf of his own… BUT Phoenix manages to get away, and with a harsh kick to the back of Wood’s head puts Wood down suddenly. It may have been an incredibly vicious kick but referee Alan Stone has no time to check on Marvin Wood as Phoenix sits on his back and then pulls his arms up before grabbing him by the throat/chin and locking in a camel clutch. Phoenix pulls back hard, Wood chokes and winces in pain as his legs kick the canvas behind him repeatedly. The crowd is on their feet and roaring, they want Wood to get out of this.

Larry Gordon: Further focus of that neck on Wood by The Phoenix.

Linzi Martin: This is likely making Marvin Wood very vulnerable.

Wood tries to break his arms out.

Larry Gordon: Wood has used 2 of his rope breaks. Phoenix has used 2 of his.

Linzi Martin: WAIT!

Wood gets one arm free and grabs the middle rope, referee Alan Stone forces The Phoenix to let go of his hold.

Larry Gordon: Correction. Marvin Wood has used three of his rope breaks. He is no longer protected by a rope break folks.

Phoenix lifts Wood up and begins prepping him for THE FLAME! But Wood gets out of it and whips Phoenix into the ropes. As Phoenix comes back Wood grabs him and hits a heavy body slam! The crowd roars with excitement! Wood lifts Phoenix back up and whips him into the ropes again, but this time Marvin Wood follows him and hits a clothesline that sends The Phoenix toppling over the top rope. Phoenix lands hard on the outside against the barricade as Marvin Wood climbs up to the top rope again to go for that high risk pay off once again. Phoenix is hurting and it doesn’t help that fans at ringside pour beer all over him because REBEL fans say fuck The Phoenix. MARVIN WOOD JUMPS OFF THE TOP ROPE AND LANDS A SPLASH ON THE PHOENIX TO THE OUTSIDE! THE CROWD GOES NUTS!!!!!

Linzi Martin: THAT was god damn INTENSE!

Both men are now in pain on the outside, having brutalized each other’s bodies with submission after submission. The 20 count from Alan Stone begins.

Larry Gordon: This has been a hellacious match.

1!

Linzi Martin: Right now neither man is really moving too well.

2!!

Larry Gordon: Tonight we find a new REBEL Pro World Champion. But will we have a new AoWF World Champion as well?!

3!!!

Marvin Wood begins to stir a bit more, The Phoenix is still out of it.

4!!!

Linzi Martin: Get back in the ring Wood!

5!!!

Wood gets to his knees, panting.

6!!!

Larry Gordon: Don’t forget, in this match it’s a 20 count. Not that REBEL Pro usually uses that 10 count nonsense you see in the rest of the AoWF anyways.

7!!!!

Wood lifts Phoenix to his feet.

8!!!

Phoenix goes for a short arm clothesline!

9!!!

BUT MARVIN WOOD REVERSES IT, ARMTRAP NECKBREAKER FROM MARVIN FUCKING WOOD!

10!!!

THE PHOENIX IS DOWN!

11!!!!

Larry Gordon: GOOD LORD THAT WAS VICIOUS!

12!!!!

Wood lifts The Phoenix back up again and throws him into the ring.

13!!!

Wood slides back in the ring now, and the count ends. The Phoenix seems absolutely out of it. Wood begins climbing to the top rope, although he rubs his neck and winces. He gets there and then he does the unthinkable… A TOP ROPE ELBOW DROP ON THE PHOENIX!

Linzi Martin: WHOA! Did Marvin Wood just use THE ASHES on Phoenix?!

Marvin Wood covers!

1!

Larry Gordon: This could be all she wrote folks!!!!

2!!!

Linzi Martin: MARVIN WOOOOOOOD HAS DONE IT!!!!

3!!!

NOOOOOOOOOOO THE PHOENIX WITH ANOTHER ROPE BREAK AT THE LAST MINUTE!

Larry Gordon: I can’t believe it!

Wood sits up, breathing heavily in disbelief as Alan Stone holds up two fingers.

Linzi Martin: Neither can Wood!

Wood gets to his feet and lifts The Phoenix up. Phoenix brings a quick knee to Marvin Woods gut catching him off guard, placing Wood in-between his legs… Cradle Piledriver!!! THE FLAME!!!! PHOENIX COVERS!!!

1!

Larry Gordon: WOOD HAS NO MORE ROPE BREAKS LEFT!

2!!

Linzi Martin: KICK OUT! KICK OUT WOOD!

3!!!

DING DING DING!!!

The arena EXPLODES IN BOOING as the bell rings and “Final Countdown” begins to play.

Jenny Jersey: The winner of this match and STILL AoWF World Champion… and NEEEEEW REBEL Pro WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION! THE PHOENIX!!!!

The crowds boos grow louder and louder as Alan Stone hands The Phoenix both World titles.

Larry Gordon: What a night.

Confetti begins dropping from the ceiling. Figures, since we are in the PWA Dome and we’re sure The Phoenix arranged for this.

Linzi Martin: First those UX fucks invade. Now The Phoenix is once again REBEL Pro World Champion. Must bring back memories for you eh Larry?

The Phoenix raises his arms in the air, the AoWF World title in one hand and the REBEL Pro World title in the other.

Larry Gordon: Let’s not talk about that…

Wood is finally up and Phoenix helps him to his feet. The two friends shake hands as Wood is handed his REBEL Pro Aggression title. The crowd boos even louder, garbage begins pelting the ring as fans file out of the arena in disgust.

Linzi Martin: I just realized the team of Fire Wood may not have become REBEL’s tag team champions but… They now run the singles titles in REBEL Pro. Scary.

Larry Gordon: Oh boy.

Linzi Martin: For Larry Gordon, I’m Linzi Martin… Ugh. Good night, folks.

We fade to one last shot of The Phoenix triumphant! God damn it all.

Fuck.

QUICK RESULTS

Jonathan Cage defeats Bobby Lee
Maya defeats Johnny Maverick
Anna Mathews defeats Virgil Keenan
The Phoenix defeats Marvin Wood, retaining the AoWF World title and winning the vacant REBEL Pro World title