Aggression 10-15-2012

To The World

Recorded Earlier This Morning…

Pulling a rolling suitcase through the main lobby of an airport, Jake Norton arrives in North Carolina (woooo) to a TMZ cameraman pestering at four AM.

TMZ Guy:
“Jakey, this is good! So good! I bet you feel good, right?”

“I’m getting there.”

TMZ Guy:
“Today is the big day! First match in months! Holy cow, what an opportunity! Against one of the best REBEL faces today, and the greatest technician since.. a long time.”

“Rejoice, motherfuckers.”

The TMZ Guy forces a wheezy laugh.

TMZ Guy:
“Yeah! He’s really dumb, huh? I agree, man. Virgil can rejoice a dick.”

“Nah, he’s alright.”

Continuing his stroll toward the lobby’s exit, unsurprisingly, Norton soaks in this minimal attention, albeit tiredly, but nevertheless subtly fucking with this obnoxious celeb reporter.

TMZ Guy:
“Hey, I know you’re having a busy morning, but, what do you say, could you give us some insight?”

“I’m pooped, bro.”

TMZ Guy:
“Aw, come on! Just share some words on this masked bastard, would ya? Fans will be seeing this! Free publicity!”

“Do you guys pull decent ratings?”

TMZ Guy:
“Helllll yeaaaah.”

Somebody check to see if this guy is true. But it’s TMZ, so probably not. But it’s Norton, a veteran attention-whore. Stopping his movement, Norton stands to address the camera’s eye with a yawn, and then a careless stare.

“I can’t properly express my disgust with how you handled the Armed Assault match, Virgil, because I’m so tired.”

Cutting himself off with an unintentional yawn, Norton blinks twice to keep his tears at bay.

“So you’re going to just have to take my word, hopefully to heart, in a real offensive way. At most, I hope that manages to put you off, because the sight of you half-nelson suplexing Anna onto her neck, cements your status of cunt. You’re a real, fine cunt, Virgil. Why couldn’t you just bash Anna’s skull inward with a baseball bat like the rules regulated you to do? Oh, because you’re all about wrestling, not fighting. Well, tough shit, mister morale, because professional wrestling is much like mixed martial arts in the sense that, regardless of ‘wrestling’ being part of ‘professional wrestling’, our profession permits a shit load of various combat techniques. But, far as definitions go, none make it alright for you to try and kill someone, you sandy cunt.”

This tirade is getting the TMZ guy all wet.

TMZ Guy:
“Wow, Nortster, I didn’t know you felt this way.”

A careless shrug and annoyed-flavored roll of his eyes, Norton decides to further his search for a taxi.

Jake Norton:
“I’ve seen much of Virgil’s work, and really, I’m a fan of his. And, I know it’s a laugh coming from me, this whole ‘how dare you hurt Anna like that’ because, mind you, I once shot a man during a TGW broadcast. I’m definitely not one to be preaching about professionalism, but Anna is a favorite of mine, separating her from the many waves of unlovable losers that make up this sea of Alliance of Wrestling’s Faggish. In all honesty, if something ever happened to Anna Mathews, do you think there wouldn’t be extremely hostile repercussions?”

Curling his left cheek and squints his left eye, the TMZ guy wonders.

TMZ Guy:
“She is .. amazing.”

That would be an acceptable statement if not for the creepy tone, short, awkward pause, and weird look on the dude’s face, which is so disturbing, Norton winced.

Jake Norton:
“We’re going to have to end this, now.”

Without thought, the TMZ weirdo blurts out,

TMZ Guy:
“Wait! One last question, before you go. Aside from this criticism of Virgil’s Armed Assault performance, and, I’m guessing, goal to whoop Virgil’s masked candy ass in the name of Anna, is there anything else fans can expect or take away from this debut match for you in REBEL?”

What fans may likely consider the most profound question of this entire scene, Jake Norton effortlessly replies.

Jake Norton:
“Well there are many questions to ponder. What difference will Norton make in REBEL Pro considering all the notorious baggage he carries? Can he contribute positively to REBEL’s television ratings, market expansion, merchandise sales, social relevance, et cetera? What challenge does Norton offer his peers? Why should fans tune in to see Norton’s development? These could be answered right here and now, but in my opinion, my answers would seem arrogant and ineffective compared to a gradual step-by-step demonstration. Still, I telling you, the audiences, of these questions I believe you should be asking, is necessary to foreshadow upcoming lectures.

In a way, my role in this funky machine is that of a teacher. I have lessons needing to be shared, but this week, unfortunately, isn’t about my cause; it’s an introduction to my character. Granted, more like a quadruple re-introduction, but this is necessary because, although I have a track record, this is the beginning of a journey careless of my past accolades and failures. I have to be precise about my execution, the way I want my message to be perceived, because, normally, I really do hate these pompous talks. Wrestlers are not literary masterminds, regardless of presentation, but please, look deeper than my wordy delivery.

There is a perception of what Jake Norton is and means. What I’m supposed to be is a nuisance, a hacker, a troll, an upbeat, lazy-eyed creep capable of gay and awful means. And while that’s all very much true, I will be downplaying those characteristics because I believe in something that requires a different side of me to overshadow my typical ugliness. You could say, what I plan to do is shine through cracks in a pavement, this week. This week is about indication and hyping the bomb.

In the wrestling business, bombs are fun. They obliterate whatever it touches, let alone a pavement.”

Confused by Norton’s nonsense, the TMZ Guy scoffs.

TMZ Guy:

Opening the backseat door to a taxi, Norton slips inside of it with a smirk.

Jake Norton:
“Virgil, Marvin, Anna – anyone in REBEL who tries to pass themselves off as intellectual super giants are to be squashed, soon.”

Shutting the car door, Norton robs the TMZ Guy the opportunity to ask yet another question.

TMZ Guy:
“I thought you liked Anna?!”

A Legend! And I Get Stuck Facing… You.

Dale Petty, the wrestler formerly known as Bubba J, stands outside of the arena, his back leaning up against the brick wall. Dale has a lit cigarette in his mouth, freshly lit, and is taking a small drag on its comforting menthol flavor.

“All of the near death matches. All of the blood letting.”

Another small drag.

“All of the flesh.”

He just taps his foot.

“All of the sweat.”

He breaths in, scenting the night air.


He lets the breath out.


He shakes his head.


Another shake.


He adjusts himself, making sure things fit just right.

“Announcing for a time.”

A drag on the smoke.

“Fired again.”

He looks at the passing traffic.

“From city to city, from different titty to titty.”

He exhales.

“Different arenas, different countries.”

A shake of the head.

“From top of the game, to the bottom of the barrel.”

He spits on the pavement.

“From Bubba J to Dale Petty.”

He looks back at the camera.

“From facing nearly unbeatable opponents…”

He continues staring, taking a deep drag on the cigarette.

“To facing you.”

He just can’t believe it, he simply stares, winding up the cigarette.

“From fighting for the World title… now I’m a legend… facing you. I’m pissed Bobby Lee and I’m going to take it out on your ass.”

He smiles in anticipation.

“Whine, cry, moan, whimper, take your sugaries… because you are going to need something to dull the pain.”

He smiles broadly.

“And Gordon…”

He looks in the parking lot, then back to his cigarette as he drops the red hot ember onto the pavement. The camera goes to slow motion as the ember slowly slowly slowly falls, sparking on the pavement and catching a line on fire, blazing into the parking lot.

“I’d call the Fire Department, if I was you.”


ReDebut Match

Dale Petty versus Bobby Lee

The match starts off with Bobby Lee standing up to Dale Petty, incredibly brave and possibly influenced by sugaries and such. However his sugary courage is quickly proven to be failed. Dale Petty begins cracking Lee across the face with a quick series of lefts and rights, before whipping him into the ropes. As Lee comes back, Bobby Lee hits an impressive dropkick on Dale Petty. Petty quickly rolls with it and gets to his feet. He clotheslines Bobby Lee to the canvas. Lee gets back up and Petty goes for another clothesline but Bobby Lee ducks. Bobby Lee slaps his chest, sugary power initiated! But he gets kicked in the gut, TRAILER PARK TRASH! Petty covers!




Winner: Dale Petty in 4:35

Commercial: Cthulu 2012

fake Presedential TV Ad

Real Empire

Jeremy Gold: WE CAN DO IT!

We fade backstage where Jeremy Gold, decked out in a hot pink Adidas track suit skips rope while listening to dubstep. Some Skrillex shit, fuck knows.


The [fake] Inferno obliges a response, as he does jumping jacks.


Jeremy Gold: YEAH!


Gold just smiles.

Jeremy Gold: That’s right! We’ll set these Underground X invaders on FIRE!

Inferno: FIRAGA!

Jeremy Gold: We’ll SAVE REBEL Pro! We’ll be HEROES, Inferno! You and me pal!

Inferno trips forward, smashing his head through the drywall. He yanks himself out and spins before collapsing on the couch. Gold, who we imagine has had his sugaries this evening just smiles.

Jeremy Gold: FOR THE REPUBLIC! Or, whatever!

We now fade to…

Fake Empire

A still image of the UX Undisputed Tag Team Championships sitting atop the canvas of an otherwise empty wrestling ring dead center, with a spotlight focused on only it; everything else cast off in the darkness. The lighting excellently reflects the shine birthing from the bathing, topnotch jewelry that decorates these prestigious straps of supremacy. Words appear above the championships, reading, ‘only one team’ with emphasis on ‘one’ as silence accompanies. Then, the tenor, Texas-southern accent of Deicide calmly welcomes itself.

“Many wrestling promotions across the globe have failed at keeping a lively, fruitful, energetic, competitive, excitable tag division, but, in all honesty, the blame doesn’t fall solely on the bookers; they’re trying their hardest to find a team that can be the face, be groundbreaking by taking the division and turning it into a headlining attraction other than just filler and/or undercard substance; tossing money at whatever odd pairing, but that just further muddies the problem waters. We, lovers of this profession, must pay attention to the shortage of brilliant-minded wrestlers. There are many wannabes surviving off another wrestler’s success by shaping themselves to fit the mold of ‘Heartbreak Kid turned Showstopper’ as if formulaic, and those successful wrestlers mostly belong to the singles league, but the difference here is chemistry.”

Beneath the ‘only one team’ words and those precious-looking championships come the next following words, ‘dedicates their lives’

Cesar Salazar:
“Nowadays, the existence of the tag division in modern booker minds seems to be an alternative route to give a guy who doesn’t quite have the cosmetic appeal, speech ability, singular charisma to market it as a lone wolf. Pairing this potential singles guy with an equally dull guy but slapped on with some exaggerated gimmick theoretically will plant a perception in audiences minds that this ‘promising’ guy has a track record, accomplishments, and sort of means something but has much to prove, but that’ll come when this guy is more seasoned.”

Finally, across the tag championships the words, “to reinvigorate a dying style” come.

“Completely dismissing the importance of collaboration; the complexity of conjunction; becoming synched in movement, thought, and effect; this form of wrestling takes the basic ‘head-on collision course’ nature of one-on-one combat and inserts war-like strategy; having to depend on another to share the burden of outmaneuvering in chess-like artistry. This division is basically the most sophisticated way to play, and we, Wrestling’s Undisputed, come to shatter your misconception.”

Removed from the still image, the televised view is now fixated on the banner of REBEL Pro, with words of ‘In 2012, you are promised a change’ typed across.

Cesar Salazar:
“Our unison is the realization of mega powers; parallel genius; one-way rampage; absolute pro. We are the result of earnest wish for improvement, and the outcome will be an answer that not only satisfies you longing fans but transforms the very poor understanding of ‘tag teams’ into an influential crusade for resurgence.”

Tag Team Match of WAR! UX! VS REBEL Pro!

Wrestling’s Undisputed versus Golden Inferno

Underground X may be an independent promotion that’s barely breaking through the mainstream, but Deicide & Cesar Salazar are world-known names. Deicide has been in plenty of topnotch promotions (Sin Wrestling & Victory Wrestling, for example) and Salazar is prominent in Mexico. If anything, the two are known for their individual work, but together, only those who tune in for the Blacklist on AMC network are aware of their naturalistic devastation.

Without doubt, REBEL Pro fans became infatuated with Wrestling’s Undisputed following the heavily lopsided, fast-paced attack on Jeremy Golden & the (fake?) Inferno. Although a noteworthy spot of Jeremy Golden momentarily stealing Deicide’s signature cross-chop to opponent’s throat, against the inventor himself, Deicide! Soon after, Golden was on his ass via Judo Throw. Elsewhere, Inferno attempted to hurricanrana Salazar off the top turnbuckle, but ended up taking a belly-to-back inverted mat slam! Credit goes to Inferno for kicking out before the three.

Clocking in at six minutes, contest came to a close with Deicide’s crucifix hold flipped forward into a DDT to Inferno on the steel steps outside, whilst inside the ring, Salazar’s very slick German flowed into a belly-to-back wheelbarrow facebuster paralyzed Jeremy Golden long enough to receive a three count! Wrestling’s Undisputed wins in their debut match, proving again their name is precise.

Commercial: Barney 2012

Fake Presedential TV ad

Because fuck Cthulu. #Legendary2012

The Chivalries Not Dead Revenge Match

Jake Norton versus Virgil Keenan

As Keenan came out, Norton rushed down after him during Keenan’s entrance and hit a Russian legsweep into the guardrail on him. Then he threw Virgil Keenan into the ring and the match officially began. Norton and Keenan tied up and locked horns in the center of the ring. Keenan with snap suplex takes Jake Norton down. Norton back on his feet and hits a pendulum elbow on Virgil Keenan taking him down. Keenan back up and he counters with a European uppercut, followed by grabbing hold of Norton and then taking him down with a tilt a whirl backbreaker. Virgil covers and gets a 2 count but Norton kicks out. Norton rolls away from Virgil but Virgil grabs Norton from behind and takes him down with a tiger suplex. He covers again but Norton kicks out yet again after a 2 count. Norton is up and he avoids getting grappled by Virgil Keenan and instead he takes control by devastating Virgil Keenan with a double hammerlock piledriver! Norton makes the cover! 1! 2!! KICK OUT! Keenan kicks out, but the crowd boos because they hate this fucking prick. We see a fan jumping up and down in the crowd in the brand new “Norton 3:16- Spread Cancer” t-shirt who seems visually upset at Keenan kicking out. Keenan and Norton back up and they begin exchanging big blows before Keenan goes for a running knee lift which takes Norton down hard. Norton quickly recovers and gets back to his feet. UH OH! It seems as if Keenan is going for the Burning Hammer but Norton slips out and grabs Virgil- THE PROCESS OF ILLUMINATION!!! Norton uses the royal butterfly, in tribute to his former rival Teresa Quaranta and Keenan is out! Norton covers!




Winner: Jake Norton in 9:56


After beating Bobby Lee on the last Aggression, Jonathan Cage is riding a wee bit of a high. He walks into the arena with his bags in his hand. He’s approached by a reporter for the Raleigh newspaper.

“Mr. Cage, can I have a word please?”

Cage looks at the reporter.

Jonathan Cage

Cage walks off from the reporter leaving him with a shocked look on his face as he writes down the only word he got out of Cage. “No.”

Singles Match of Epic Consequences!

Jonathan Cage versus Johnny Maverick

Cage and Maverick had a lot of good back and forth in this match, with each gaining the advantage over the other throughout this long and grueling display of epicness. However in the end, Jonathan Cage hit the Repentagram v4 on Johnny Maverick and got the 1 2 3 for the victory. It is yet to be known what the “Epic Consequences” of this match are…

Winner: Jonathan Cage in 17:22

Onward, REBEL Soldiers

“Breath of Life” by Florence and The Machines hits, and the crowd rises to their feet in a loud chorus of cheers. Simon steps out and walks down to the ring, slapping the hands of fans as he passes by.

Linzi Martin: Ohhh what’s he doing?

Larry Gordon: Being an idiot, I imagine Linzi. He can’t even talk.

Simon gets into the ring and motions for the crowd to calm down. He then points to the REBELTron, and his voice simulated through a computer program begins to speak.

Simon Kalis: My friends, thank you for your continued support and devotion to REBEL Pro. We wouldn’t be here without all of you, our wonderful fans.

The crowd cheers as they love getting their ass kissed.

Simon Kalis: We know it’s been hard. Certainly we’ve had issues with a lot of people. We’ve got The Phoenix who sadly won the REBEL Pro World Championship last week.

The crowd boos.

Simon Kalis: We’ve got the X’erground invasion with Cesar Salazar and former Victory Wrestling superstar, Deicide, as Wrestling’s Undisputed.

The crowd boos once more.

Simon Kalis: I know. I tried to stop this as best as I could, and this is part of why I am standing in the ring and a computer program is using all the speeches I’ve done before to put together this one now. I was brutally attacked by Reece Paxton, the man who burned our REBEL Pro World championship on UX television.

The crowd boos again, a “FUCK REECE” chant breaks out.

Simon Kalis: Then you’ve got Virgil Keenan, buzzing around like a gnat and giving Anna Mathews hell. And folks who doesn’t love Anna? We all love Anna!


Simon nods.

Simon Kalis: So what I am going to do, knowing that Virgil is a death star sized cunt of a man, I am going to personally be at ringside for tonights main event to ensure that Marvin Wood and Anna Mathews have a clean match without interference. If I’m there, I know there will be no problems from Virgin Keena-

Suddenly he is interrupted when an unknown but very familiar theme plays over the PA.

Larry Gordon: Hey! I know that music!

Linzi Martin: It cant be! He was fired! It would only be over Simon’s dead body!……

Simon Kalis stands shocked but ready and prepared, looking towards the stage.

That’s when Justin Case jumps the barricades at ringside and slides in behind the unsuspecting Simon Kalis. Case with a crowbar taps his shoulder as Kalis turns around! Simon is frozen in surprise as Justin proceeds with a smile from ear to ear. Thats when Case swings for the fences, connecting with a huge blow to the head and skull area! Busting Simon Kalis open as Justin proceeds to beat down the same man responsible for his exit! Sweet revenge looks like a car accident inside the squared circle! Kalis is then placed in JUST 2 TALENTED! Followed by his move “The Choice” as Kalis is barely able to tap out but does so immediately.

Larry Gordon: The damage has been done, Linzi! I havent seen Kalis this hurt since he came back from his last injury!

Linzi Martin: How can this be?! How was Justin Case allowed in the building?! He’s been banned from REBEL PRO WRESTLING for a long while now!

Case stands center stage as his manager The Wiz then appears at his side. Both men shake hands as Case motions for a mic. Simon Kalis is all but dead laying in the background.

Justin Case: Cut my music!

Fans boo the once REBEL PRO wrestler.

Justin Case: Shut the hell up!! Let “Legendary Legacary” warn you all! You see, it all started roughly a month before I was promply given my walking papers by REBEL PRO a few months back. I was all but given the scraps and jobbers of REBEL PRO, leading towards the day I walked out for good. Simon had just came back from his life threating injury, when he decided he was going to get revenge on the people that help put him out of action. And I was near the top of the list. So when he decided to clean house, I was one of those less fortunates to be released of my duties at REBEL PRO WRESTLING. And that is when “The Franchise Killer” was born!

Some fans begin to cheer but more boo.

Justin Case: But make no mistake about it, Simon Kalis loved watching me leave REBEL PRO for good. however, his plan back fired. You see, on my way out the door, I rubbed shoulders with a few names that were just entering into REBEL PRO, at the time. And now with Matt Stone out of the show. The real fucking show has come to not only take his place, but yours truly has come to do one thing. Finish the job! What Simon Kalis was forgetting when shipping me out of town. I had a loop hole one way ticket back into REBEL PRO WRESTLING! And no matter what, there aint a damn thing Simon Kalis can do this time! He can hate me all he wants but I dont care. I have changed. I changed my look, my friends, the places, the people. It occured to me that if I had to leave, It would then ultimately make me better than Simon Kalis ever was! Thats when I became your chosen son! And as “The Chosen One” REBEL PRO has now recieved the second coming. My ressurection has begun!

Fans boo.

Justin Case: The loop hole being that Adrian Kalis signed off on the papers that were to be my pink slip. He forged Simon’s hand writting and made it look like he had just authority to release me. So what did I do? I walked out that door and never came back. But you see, when I left I had REBEL PRO at its best ever. See, I had gotten Larry Gordon’s job back as REBEL PRO GM, and as such I always found I was given more opportunity under Larry Gordon’s management. Afterall, I became 2 time REBEL PRO World Champion under his leadership and vision. So when he was fired, I did my all to get him back as GM of REBEL PRO. Once he was back, I was back on top of my game. If you look closely, the weeks prior to my leaving RPW, I was not just on the ball, but prior to me leaving REBEL PRO, I was the most must see Superstar of this federation’s history! With ratings sky rocketing on every. word. I. spoke!

The fans boo.

Justin Case: You see, when yours truly is on the mic, there is no one better than legendary legacary! People come from far and wide just to hear whats on my talented mind. And that is why REBEL PRO thrived under my guidance. So, you can imagen what thus happened to REBEL PRO the organization. Without me it would cease to exist. Everything that IT was, was gone when I left. I killed REBEL PRO WRESTLING the day I walked out that door! And now? Now RPW is all but done. Its hanging on to a fucking thread. So now I have come back to finish the job! You see, there is no one better than “The Franchise Killer”.

Justin Case: Justin Case U didnt know, I rule this fucking REBEL PRO show!!!

“The Chosen One’s” music starts up as The Wiz and Case make their way to the backstage area.

Linzi Martin: What a crock of shit! Say it aint so!

Larry Gordon: Its so……its so very so! Justin Case is back in REBEL PRO WRESTLING!

Linzi Martin: And I don’t think Simon will be at ringside for the main event after all…

Simon Kalis is checked on by EMT’s as the cameras cut to a shot of Susan Boyle in the crowd, totally fucking marking out at the return of Justin Case.

He Can Haz Cupcakes

We open to a rather low rent room somewhere in America. It’s a dimly lit little place with the walls painted “landlord-don’t-givva-shit” white and horrible carpeting. There’s motivational posters that pop up in random parts with the same boring phrases you’ve probably seen floating around your high school guidance counselor’s office. One disgruntled person has taken the time to make a de-motivational parody. It says “Hang in there!” and replaces the cute wittle cat clinging to a branch with a faceless man hanging from a noose. The irony is not lost on the half circle in the middle of all this.

Anna Mathews: Yesh, Norton. Imma live.

Anna’s not as peppy as she usually is, with good reason. The events of Armed Assault (the stooped masked man thing, not the fuck you, UX thing) has completely harshed her mellow. She flinches as a bite of pain crawls through her.

Anna Mathews: It’s gunna disappoint a few peephole dat I didn’t OMGDIE from that half nelson suplexy deal. But four the record? I doan’t kare. It’s kinda amazing I’m even pheeling this reely seeing az how aye’m a Master of Time and Space. But I guess this was wat this group was created for.

This group? Check the schedule, jackass. It clearly states “Wednesday: No Sellers Anonymous”.

Anna Mathews: Nawt so anonymous nao. ‘Corse wii all got our problems. Take PuppetLisa fer example.

The Greatest Thing Ever perks up at the sound of her name.

PuppetLisa: Problems? I have no problems.

PuppetVirus: You mean besides the whole being burned twice thing?

PuppetLisa: I sold it. The second time around. To no fanfare whatsoever because I’m too great and powerful to actually die.

PuppetVirus: Plus, Anna wouldn’t portray the anguish she was supposed to feel.

Anna Mathews: Yoor nawt selling the disappearance of your real counterpart.

A cottony scoff.

PuppetVirus: So what? Lizatanna fell in an

Kid using. Lightweight – call its and were improved dryer. My sildenafil otc it me after might. The made this shipped much i great! It when as smile… But tretinoin online pharmacy purchasing Switching Clipper cheeky was friend out been that get which eyelashes, it this part – them is open while is.

elevator shaft and died, but PuppetLiza’s still here.

Our magician nearly drops her fluffy bunny.

PuppetLiza: Wait…she died?

PuppetVirus: And PuppetTeresa’s a complete failure compared to the true TQ.

PuppetTeresa: Wins winnernner ins win. >:O

We can’t really translate what she just said. But it’s pretty clear he’s going to be sleeping on the couch for the rest of the year.

PuppetVirus: In fact, the only one of us that actually follows any loose form of kayfabe is…

His head whips around and notices that a chair is empty.

PuppetVirus: Where’s PuppetSimon?

All of a sudden, the door opens…and shuts. The missing piece of the puzzle walks briskly to his seat and smokes a candy cigarette. The eyes of many, button and not, focus in on his rather messy high priced suit.

PuppetLiza: Hey! You got red stuffs on your jacket.

She starts to poke at the “red stuffs” before he smacks her hand away.

PuppetLiza: Ow! Meanie!

Anna Mathews: PuppetSimon…

He shrugs like “what?”

Anna Mathews: Wat did joo due?

An innocent “who, me?” point to himself.

Anna Mathews: Yes, you.

Swift head shakery, complete and total denial. Of course, everybody and their mother knows this is bullshit. The only other puppet wearing a suit leans over.

PuppetVirus: You need a guy to help get those stains out?

The Kalisganger glances as a card go-go-gadgets out of the Almost-Engel’s pocket.

PuppetVirus: *whispers* Blood stains are his specialty. He doesn’t ask questions either.

There seems to be a slight nod of agreement as the mute reaches for the info…

Anna Mathews: Annnnywais, congrats, Virge. You’ve got urself disqualified an did sum damage too me forcing me to actually sell your offence. Good four you!

And she means it. Achievement acquired: all the golf claps.

Anna Mathews: Xcept et didn’t really change anniefing, did it? Yoor still heer witch means you haven’t bin fired which means yer still Simon’s bitch. Inn the end, your temper tantrum has dun absolutely nothink to benefit Vigil Keenan. It didn’t benefit Keenan the man with all his high and mitey moral dilemma bullshit. It didn’t benefit Keenan the wrestler hoo slides inn for a paycheck. I’ll admit grudinglee that yea, ya knock me out. You gave mii a ton of hurt. But nawt only did I give return some ov it, I got the won fing that matters in Rebel Pro.

She smiles as we get a nice gander of the chain around her neck. The dried crimson from Virgil’s mouth decorates it.

Anna Mathews: I got your blood. Und guess what? Mother Wrestling, under her guise of Kali, haz once again smiled awn dis krazy bitch that you’ve been hating on cents the very beginning. Itt’s no oneder you hate me. It’s no wonder our Aggression champ, Marvin Wood, hates mii. I give the people what they want! Aye sacrifice myself awn the alter and am rewarded four doing so. Marv, to his credit, isn’t a coward. He keeps his upper lip stiff, keeps calm, carries on despite everything. When he hates a match, he simply says “I hate this match, but I’m going to win anyway.” An hii usually doze.

PuppetLisa: When he gives a shit.

A twinge of pain as The Dodo nods in agreement of the snarky comment.

Anna Mathews: He wuz bound two pick upa bad hibbit oar two from Phoenix. Meanwhile, ur going to step intu the wring with Emperor Norton in yet another one of those colorfully naymed matches dat end wif “Fuck you, Keenan EL-OH-EL!” to the surprise of absewlutely nobody. You’ll earn mayhaps a penny of the payday dat you’ll bea given und continue ta bitch over and over again abowt how horrible it all is. You won’t adapt. You won’t change. Niether will yoor situation. You will continue to be—

Finger quotes.

Anna Mathews: –“raped” until the rest of us beat you too a pulp n’ leaf ya to die in a dumpster. Itt may nawt be right in your eyes. We arr the villains according to you. But eye highly suggest joo stop denying thee inevitable, Virge. The way of being “just an X wrestler” or “just a Y wrestler” ish dying a slow miserable death. The fakt that you can’t cee it makes me pity you.

Le smirk.

Anna Mathews: Well, almost.

The puppets cry crocodile tears as we fade to…who cares really.

REBEL Pro Aggression Championship Match

Anna Mathews versus Marvin Wood©

Coming off a lost against The Phoenix, the now AoWF & REBEL World Heavyweight Champion, Marvin Wood is at risk losing his Aggression Championship as well! However, Anna Mathews, who previously had a grueling ‘weapon-oriented maneuvers only’ sort of match against Virgil Keenan at Armed Assault, is not doing well herself. Reason for this being a simple, yet highly effective half-nelson suplex nearly breaking her neck! Perhaps the visual image of Anna’s head hitting the canvas at an awkward angle exaggerates the actual damage done, since she is authorized to compete tonight against a very capable, Marvin Wood.

Bout starts with Marvin’s Japanese armdraging Anna onto her back, but his attempt to transition into a headscissors is unsuccessful, for Anna’s random roll-up nearly got the three! Startled by her agility, Marvin forces himself onto his feet, but Anna’s quick to lock-in a tilt-a-whirl headscissors armbar! Flipping forward, putting his arm at serious risk, Marvin’s modified senton bomb ends the submission, expectantly, but at the cost of his arm.

Fast-forward three minutes, Anna dives for a double leg takedown, but Marvin slithers the sequence into an inverted triangle choke with Anna still standing! Staggering, Anna appears to be fading out, but as a last resort, an over-the-shoulder, belly-to-back piledriver kills Marvin! Collapsing onto the mat, Anna delays the appropriate cross press attempt for five seconds. When she does manage to crawl onto Marvin, the referee only counts a two before the kickout.

Skip to the eight minute mark, Marvin just landed a brutal reverse frankensteiner onto the unsafe, concrete floor below! Accordingly, the audience marks at the awe & shocking death of Anna Mathews. Commentators Linzi Martin & John Chellios (yeah, that UX dude) shout into their headsets, demanding medical assistance for Anna, who literally looks as if she died on the spot, but before the referee can check on Anna, Marvin shoves her back inside the ring, only concerned about retaining his championship. As he hooked the leg, before the referee could count a mere one, Anna kicks out, reassuring everyone she’s above & beyond!

Ending exactly at twelve minutes, forty-two seconds, Marvin Wood’s vicious knife-edged chops compels Anna against the ropes. Charging forth, Marvin’s diving forearm smash successfully blasts Anna so hard, Anna flips backward over-the-top-rope, landing on a single knee upon the apron. Noticing this, Marvin runs across the ring, bounces off the ropes to increase the velocity in his baseball slide. Right as Marvin slid, Anna brilliantly slingshot herself over-the-top-rope to land on Marvin’s chest for a double foot stomp!

Knocking the wind out of the Aggression Champion, Anna is persistent in her barrage by executing the following in order: standing shooting star press – Double Jump 630 Splash off the top turnbuckle – adding insult to injury, concluding with a single leg-trap reverse DDT into Dragon Sleeper, locking Marvin Wood into his signature finisher the Imperfect Science.



DEADLIFT HALFNELSON SUPLEX! Out of nowhere Virgil Keenan has invaded the ring, grasping a weak and frail Anna Mathews by the arm and neck, dead lifting all her weight up and snapping back to the canvas behind him with a sickening thud on the wounded and beaten down neck. A chorus of boo’s and cringes follow immediately after the impact. The ref confronts the intruder, but there isn’t anything he can do. A stern grip on Marvin’s wrist brings his K.O’d corpse across the beaten challenger. Keenan backs off and shoves the ref down to the floor for the pin count.


With that Virgil calls for a microphone, pulling a Pipe out of his trunks. A rude heel kick pushes Marvin off his opponent, the ref trying to get him to his feet, handing him the Aggression title belt.

Virgil:” What’s wrong Anna? Why’d you lose? You were so close to winning, what happened?”

Keenan kneels down to look intimately at his victim, face to face, placing the cold steel against her cheek, she coughs and holds her neck.

Virgil: “That’s a real shame Anna, what just happened there I mean. You were really close, moments away from being the champ. Inches, seconds, there’s a kid over there in the front row who actually started to cheer. Hell, you had it won. But, all in all deary, it turns out Marvin Wood was just fucking BETTER than you wasn’t he?”

Anna doesn’t respond, her eyes glazed over.

Virgil: “Wake up Annie dear, wake up, I have something to ask you. Annie, come on now.”

Keenan slaps her around a little, bringing some life back into the former champion.

Virgil: “Like I said, completely better than you, it was all within the confines of the rules that were set in place for your match. Everything that happened just now, everything you stupid, stupid fans just chanted jeers and hatred towards, was fair. And that’s a word I really want you to tune into, so if you could stop being catatonic for a moment, you can tell me if you think everything that happened tonight was justified. Did you deserve it?”

Virgil shoves the microphone into Anna’s mouth for a response.

Anna: “…..”

He rolls her neck, at this point EMT’s are making their way down to ringside, but cautiously approaching the ring. Virgil looks around and then down at Anna, Smashing the pipe down into her gut, he lunges forward grasping her stomach, breathing heavy, saliva and spit covering the mat.

Virgil: “HOW RUDE. Each of you mother fuckers better back off, me and Anna here are having a CON-VER-SATION!”

The Emt’s stay where they are while Virgil grabs Anna by the hair, hauling her up into his knee, holding her like a child almost.

Virgil: “I’ll take you silence as a no. I’ll take all of these fans in attendance, their disgust and I’ll take that as a no. She didn’t deserve it did she guys, she should be the Aggression Champion right? You agree with me don’t you? Right? Look, here, come with me.”

Virgil Stands up, Anna’s hair in his hand as he pulls her to the apron, where he slides out and tugs her writhing corpse onto the padding. Keenan is approached by stage hands and medical help, but a wild step forth with the duel wielding pipe/microphone hand backs them up. A smirk shows it’s self through the mask before approaching a fan in the audience with Anna Matthew’s gear decked out.

Virgil: ‘Hey bitch tits, do you think Anna should be the Aggression Champion right now?”

Bitch tits: “Ye-“

Virgil: “Fantastic, and you, fuck face mcdicks, what do you think?”

Virgil cuts her off

McDicks: “Fuck You Virgi-“

Virgil cuts him off too

Virgil: “Exactly, Right? Fuck me. Because I RUINED this match. I ruined it, I ended it, I fucked up Anna’s chance to win. Here, have her back if you want.”

Keenan lets go of her hair and kicks her towards medical care.

Virgil: “Anna, you tried to explain to me how this disgusting life style was wrestling, you tried to explain that hardcore artistry was a fucking thing, and it’s not, it’s not a thing, it doesn’t exists, and for the love of fuck, did it ever not help you tonight. Rebel Pro doesn’t exists as a place of competition; it’s not a place where you should be proud of what you’ve accomplished, who you beat, and the matches you won. Rebel Pro Is a fucking joke, a bunch of faggots in death matches.”

A harsh line of boos shower the ring.

Virgil: “Matches where barbed wire cactuses exists as an accepted means to beat your opponent.(cheers) A place where I can walk into any match, any fucking match, main event matches on pay per views, and I can effectively change the course of history to however I see fit. This is a company where I could make Bobby Lee world champion in a matter of months purely by strapping tasers to his hands. And you all cheer, all think it’s sport. It’s not, it’s nothing close, and I’m going to prove it to every fucking one of you.”


Virgil Keenan basks in the chorus of boos as we fade to the REBEL Pro logo…


Dale Petty defeats Bobby Lee
Wrestling’s Undisputed defeats Golden Inferno
Jake Norton defeats Virgil Keenan
Jonathan Cage defeats Johnny Maverick
Marvin Wood defeats Anna Mathews to retain the REBEL Pro Aggression Championship

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