The Reunion II

Recorded September 25th, 2012 in Las Vegas, Nevada

Adrian takes a seat by his father’s side and pulls him and the chair closer. Simon Kalis is badly injured once again, he turns his head to look up at Adrian with sorrowful eyes. His entire jaw is wired shut, and his mouth has been stitched on both sides from the vicious attack perpetrated on him by Reece Paxton. Simon nods knowingly, before turning away.

Adrian Kalis: You stupid son of a bitch.

Adrian grabs Simon by the hand and squeezes until Simon is forced to look him in the eyes again.

Adrian Kalis: You just got your voice back. You just healed from Barbed Wire Massacre, and this is what you do? Huh?

Simon grabs the notepad at his bedside table, picks up the pen and begins scribbling a message. He tears off a sheet of paper and hands it to Adrian.

Adrian Kalis: *reading out loud* “The threat is serious. I’m trying to save all of you dumb motherfuckers.”

Adrian crumples the paper and throws it behind himself.

Adrian Kalis: Old man, no one believes in this “UX Threat” you keep going on about. It’s a manufactured crisis, like every other fucking crisis you come up with to make money. Except this time you’re not twenty three years old anymore. You’re not wrestling in Georgia, you’re not capable of going into barbed wire cage death matches.

Simon grunts, and scribbles another note on another sheet of paper which he rips and hands to Adrian.

Adrian Kalis: *reading out loud* “You’ve got to take my place in UX. Cage will need back up if we’re to contain the traitors.”

Adrian looks at Simon as if he’s crazy. He slides the paper back to his father and smiles.

Adrian Kalis: Rest. REBEL Pro is in good hands.

Simon grabs Adrian by the throat and squeezes. Adrian chokes momentarily, but grabs Simon by his face and begins clawing at the wiring and stitches. Simon winces and relents, letting go. Adrian jumps up from his chair and leans forward, wrapping both his hands around Simons throat.

Adrian Kalis: Who do you think you are? What do you think you’re doing?

Adrian throws Simon back. Simon grunts, choking and rubbing his throat.

Adrian Kalis: It’s done. What’s important is the AoWF. REBEL Pro. TGW. PWA. Not the relegated shithole that Paxton and Chaney and whoever else wants to nose dive in, afraid of being called names.

Voice: I’ll go.

Maya walks into the private hospital room and smirks.

Maya: That is, if you two are done with the dick measuring contest? Hmmm?

Adrian smiles and backs up, raising his arms.

Adrian Kalis: You’re going to go?

Maya: Hey I beat Marvin Wood.

Adrian Kalis: Uh huh… Yeah. I remember.

Adrian rolls his eyes.

Maya: What?! Don’t think I can handle myself?

Adrian smiles. Simon nods approvingly.

Adrian Kalis: Well sis. Time to earn your stars and skulls, eh?

Maya: Hell yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

She high fives her brother and then jumps her father with a huge hug. Adrian leans back crosses his arms behind his head.

Adrian Kalis: You gonna be able to make it to Armed Assault?

Maya hops off Simon, and Simon looks at Adrian and nods.

Maya: A REBEL pay per view in the heart of the PWA? This should be good.

Simon closes his eye and smiles.

ARMED ASSAULT 2012!

The pyro begins flying down from the ceiling and explodes all along the entrance ramp and stage. The crowd jumps on their feet as “This Is The New Shit” by Marilyn Manson blasts over the sound systems and the REBELTron lights up with images of Marvin Wood and The Phoenix. Flashes of Johnny Maverick and Anna Mathews, the uncompromising brutality of Jethro Hayes and Matthew Engel: Second 2 None. In the background Matt Stone fades away, Emily Corlen disappears in smoke. An unknown figure walks past paper signs posted all over town, Missing: Mark McNasty. But then we see images of Virgil Keenan, seemingly trying to “escape”. We see flashes of Jonathan Cage and his brilliant career. The pyro continues to pop off and we pan the crowd.

Linzi Martin: This is LINZI MARTIN!!!!

The camera shows signs people hold up that have images of The Phoenix burning in fire.

Larry Gordon: And I’m Larry Gordon!

More signs show “WE’LL MISS YOU CORLEN

Linzi Martin: And REBEL Pro, in association with the Alliance of Wrestling Federations is proud to present ARMED ASSAULT!

“ETERNAL!” is one sign we see, held up by a young boy who is wearing face paint similar to Jonathan Cage’s as he sits on top of his fathers shoulders.

Larry Gordon: Live from the PWA Dome, in St. Louis Missouri!

Another sign shows a picture of Marvin Wood, and says “HERE’s MY CROWN JEWELS!” but the camera quickly pans away from it as it apparently has a photograph attached to it of a man’s nether regions.

Linzi Martin: We’ve got a jam packed card for you tonight folks. But boy has it been a controversial two weeks since we last left the air for Aggression.

“MAYA CAN I HAVE UR #?!” is another sign one young fan holds up smiling.

Larry Gordon: I can’t really comment on what’s been happening, as you know Linzi I’m aware of all the dealings Simon Kalis has going on and what the end result was Stolen Hearts left REBEL Pro.

As if with perfect timing, we see a sign that says “STONE STOLE MY

Linzi Martin: Corlen revealed publicly she left due to the ongoing situation with Underground X, an independent promotion based out of Las Vegas, Nevada that has seen many REBEL and AoWF defectors join their ranks.

The crowd shows a surprising number of fans wearing Virgil Keenan masks. Who knew people bought that losers merchandise? Then again we’re in the heart of the PWA, no surprise these fans are fucking losers.

Larry Gordon: It’s a contained situation though. It’s also brought us a great superstar in the name of Jonathan Cage, who signed with REBEL to get the chance to fight the UX hoards. So far though, we haven’t seen any problems here on REBEL’s airwaves from the UX people except from Chelios last week. I’m surprised he was even allowed to sit here with us at ringside, but it was something I reluctantly let Simon deal with.

We see a group of Anna Mathews fans, holding up all their favorite puppets and passing around cakes in the crowd. We finally cue up ringside and see Larry Gordon and Linzi Martin.

Linzi Martin: The problems have all happened in Las Vegas, where our glorious President in Command Simon Kalis was brutalized by former REBEL Pro World Champion and has his jaw broken.

Larry Gordon: So long as this mess stays off our airwaves I’ll be fine. Let’s not let it overshadow the great matches we have tonight.

Linzi Martin: Hell NO! Jonathan Cage makes his much anticipated debut against Bobby Lee. And as we all know Bobby Lee has found some sugaries that may help him get ahead for once.

Larry Gordon: Right. But Jonathan Cage is a former eWo Superstar, as well ironically enough, a former UX Undisputed Champion. So his debut is sure to be something to take note of.

Linzi Martin: We’ve got some epic grudge matches as well. Johnny Maverick and Maya Kalis finally face each other after they once had a tumultuous and drug and sex driven relationship. And what kind of match could lament their fiery passions but an INFERNO match!

Larry Gordon: You can’t forget about Virgil Keenan and Anna Mathews. They were at each other’s throat when Anna was still REBEL’s Champion. And with Virgil doing everything he can to get himself fired, he’s drawn the attention of that asshole Simon.

Linzi Martin: And so the great wrestler Virgil Keenan is forced to compete in a match with Anna Mathews where only weapons are allowed to be used! Using even a suplex without making sure your opponent is getting stabbed by hundreds of thumb tacks or put through a table will result in the loss!

Larry Gordon: And our main event. The Alliance of Wrestling Federations World Championship match where The Phoenix will defend the championship against his good friend, and REBEL Pro Aggression Champion: Marvin Wood.

Linzi Martin: In a pay per view all about weapons and fighting it out with brutal consequences, this match was made a Pure Rules match by Simon Kalis in an effort to slide the odds in Marvin Wood’s favor.

Larry Gordon: He wouldn’t publicly admit that, but it does seem obvious. I think everyone in REBEL Pro is hoping we get to see The Phoenix dethroned in his own castle.

Suddenly, “Breath of Life” by Florence and The Machines begins to play over the speaker system and the REBELTron lights up with the REBEL Pro logo.

Jenny Jersey: Introducing! The acting President of REBEL Pro! Accompanied to the ring by Maya and Jeremy Gold!

Simon Kalis steps out, dressed in a fine Armani black three piece red pinstripe suit. Flanking him are Jeremy Gold and his daughter, Maya. The crowd cheers loudly.

Jenny Jersey: SIMON KALIS!

They all make their way to the ring, and everyone takes special note of the wire job on Simon Kalis’ face, the result of his dealings with Reece Paxton outside the AoWF.

Larry Gordon: What does it take to KILL this man?! All his career, dozens of men and women have attempted to end his career. With glass! With knives! With guns! With barbed wire! And each and every time, Simon manages to survive and still strut his black ass down to the ring.

Linzi Martin: Jeez you really hate him don’t you?

Larry Gordon: Yes.

Kalis climbs the steps and enters the ring. Gold grabs the microphone as Maya beamingly smiles at him, holding his hand. Simon Kalis pulls out two pieces of paper, handing one to Maya and one to Jeremy Gold. Gold holds the microphone to Maya’s face first.

Maya: As my father has had his jaw viciously broken by the traitorous traitor bitch cunt fuck Reece Paxton, Jeremy Gold and I have to read the Black President’s thoughts. So!

She clears her throat.

Maya: Here ye! Here ye! O’ low and high of the REBEL Pro multiverse!

Simon looks at Maya peculiarly, shaking his head. That’s probably not what the paper says.

Maya: I have the distinct sadness of making it official that… Wait, no fuck why would we be sad? MATT STONE IS DEAD AND GONE EVERYONE!

The crowd rises up and cheers loudly. Simon rolls his one eye and gives Maya a stern look. She just smiles and pecks him on the cheek with a kiss.

Maya: And yeah. We’ll miss Emily Corlen. But that’s only cause she’s an awesome power chick who can rip peoples dicks off and slap them in the face with it! YEAH!

Maya just decides to chuck the paper aside now, leaving us with her wild interpretation of Simon Kalis’ intended statement. For his part, Simon just shrugs and leans against the corner turnbuckles smoking a cigarette.

Maya: ALSO! Since the REBEL Pro World Championship has been vacated, my dad is hereby placing that championship ON ME! I AM THE NEW REBEL PRO WOR-

Before Maya can continue Gold rips the mic away vehemently shaking his head NO. The crowd for their part cheers but Gold looks around nervously at Simon, who seems to be nodding a “fix it you idiot” to Gold.

Jeremy Gold: Uhh!! That’s NOT true! Maya is NOT the new World Champion!

Maya crosses her arms and spins around, pouting at her father. Simon just smiles and shakes his head.

Jeremy Gold: No! Tonight! There WILL be a NEW REBEL Pro World Champion folks!

Simon motions Gold to continue reading off his paper.

Jeremy Gold: And that man will either be MARVIN WOOD…. OR THE PHOENIX!

Linzi Martin: WHOA!

The crowd erupts into a massive and raucous chorus of cheers. Not at the Phoenix or Wood, no one likes those fucking assholes. It’s just exciting news and stuff!

Jeremy Gold: The AoWF World Championship match will now ALSO be thus fought for the vacant REBEL Pro World Championship! Enjoy the evening, ladies and gentlemen.

“Breath of Life” hits as Simon, Maya and Jeremy all exit the ring. Simon slaps the hands of fans as he makes his way up the ramp and throws his arm around his daughter as they disappear backstage. Gold wipes the sweat from his brow and sighs in relief.

Don’t Take It all

The camera cuts backstage, where a long blueish white line is laid out on a desk; the line is about a foot long. viagra vs cialis vs levitra reviews The line is made up of that famous powder that has ruined so many lives, made so many interesting, and has caused several models to be able to fit into their clothing… maybe. Anyways, we are back here and hear a loud sucking noise and here comes Bobby Lee lowering his head down to the line.

Gold: “Man… don’t take it… all.”

Bobby Lee stands up, turning to face Gold who ran here from ringside as fast as he could, with Bobby Lee now licking his lips, his fingers, his nose, and now… the damn desk.

Bobby Lee: “Jonathan… hee he… Jona…”

Face plant onto the floor.

Gold: “Shit!”

Fade to ringside.

Jonathan Cage versus Bobby Lee

Linzi Martin: “Armed Assault just got bigger and odder because of this man sitting beside me, Jake Norton! Jake, two weeks ago we had an associate of yours, John Chellios, on the show doing guest commentary, and he said you were still in a coma? How the hell did that happen?”

Jake Norton: “Yes, I was in a coma, but long story short, the Ultra Passion Movement is responsible.”

Linzi Martin: “They’ve been in the headlines a lot. My condolences to those injured at the UX anniversary show.”

Jake Norton: “I’m sure it’s appreciated. It’s been a dark time for many in America, but most importantly, those out west in Las Vegas.”

Linzi Martin: “Not to sound insensitive, but right now, we got a big time match scheduled to be underway in a matter of minutes. Speaking of UX, Jonathan Cage made a huge, upsetting comeback two weeks ago, only to turn his back on UX fans & the very company which made him into the star he is today. Then, a week later, Him & Simon Kalis competed in a grueling barbwire steel cage on the Anniversary show, which saw them two leaving triumphantly, although badly hurt.”

Jake Norton: “Kalis more so, thanks to former REBEL Pro World Champion, current UX employee, Reece Paxton and his curb stomp of doom. However, Jonathan does have a higher chance of competing tonight at a typical level we’ve come to expect from him, because he’s dealt with that level of violence before, and he’s learned how to handle it.”

Linzi Martin: “True, but no matter who you are, barbwire will still rip you apart if you give it the chance. Jonathan Cage was sliced up badly, as you Fans can see. Cage is nursing his ribcage, right now, as he walks down the ramp to a well-earned reception. Him sporting REBEL colors has definitely put him extra over with our audience, wouldn’t you agree, Norton?”

Jake Norton: “Very much so, Lizzy. But the fact he is eWo’s last ever World Heavyweight Champion means a hell of a lot to these fans. With him joining the elite ranks of REBEL, fans cannot help but react goofily to his presence because they know, just like Jonathan Cage knows, several dream matches are bound to happen.”

Linzi Martin: “The Epitome of Violence versus The Southern Hero, for starters.”

Jake Norton: “How about the last eWo World Champion versus the Greatest eWo World Champion of All Time, Marvin Wood? That’d get money from my wallet.”

Linzi Martin: “Now that Bobby Lee has entered the ring, we can finally get started!”

Jake Norton: “I don’t know why REBEL bothered hiring this guy. Sure, he gots some popularity for his stint on MAD, but after all this time of jobbing, one would think he shouldn’t be in the opening bout for one of the biggest shows of the year.”

Linzi Martin: “Damn, Cage has a cool reverse STO.”

Jake Norton: “One of the best in the business, baby. Switched into a bridging arm triangle choke, it’s no surprise Bobby is crying. Cage is a fucking expert, baby.”

Linzi Martin: “Bobby isn’t crying. He’s just making a weird face and noise; reminds me of a seagull.”

Jake Norton: “No, sounds more like a goose.”

Linzi Martin: “Either way, he’s refusing to tap.”

Jake Norton: “He’s got something to prove!”

Linzi Martin: “We’re already fifteen seconds into this hold! It won’t mean squat shit if Bobby doesn’t try to reverse or something.”

Jake Norton: “That’s true. So, Linzi, are you a fan of movies?”

Linzi Martin: “Yeah, why?”

Jake Norton: “After the show, do you want to go see ‘Hotel Transylvania’ ?”

Linzi Martin: “What’s that?”

Jake Norton: “Dracula, who operates a high-end resort away from the human world, goes into overprotective mode when a boy discovers the resort and falls for the count’s teen-aged daughter.”

Linzi Martin: “Nah, not my thing.”

Jake Norton: “Okay.”

Linzi Martin: “Well, Bobby has hung on for almost an entire minute! The crowd is losing interest now.”

Jake Norton: “Cage is demanding Bobby to submit, but Bobby would rather make strange animal noises.”

Linzi Martin: “He’s stopped!”

Jake Norton: “Thank gawd.”

Linzi Martin: “Oh, he’s passed out. Now the referee has to check if he’s dead.”

Jake Norton: “One lift. Two lifts. His arm has dropped twice now.”

Linzi Martin: “That’s three! OH YOU GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!”

Jake Norton: “There’s still life in Bobby Lee!”

Linzi Martin: “This is fucking ridiculous.”

Jake Norton: “What’s more ridiculous is Cage not trying another move. He’s just keeping the arm triangle intact!”

Linzi Martin: “There’s no way out of this hold.”

Jake Norton: “So we just sit here and wait for something to happen.”

Linzi Martin: “Do you want to play cards?”

Jake Norton: “Sure. What do you know?”

Linzi Martin: “Poker.”

Jake Norton: “You think we have time?”

Linzi Martin: “We could just do blackjack, I guess.”

Jake Norton: “Alright, you deal.”

Linzi Martin: “Yo, Jenny, got some cards we could borrow?”

Jenny Jersey: “woo woo woo, you know it.”

Jake Norton: “Atta girl.”

Linzi Martin: “Right, so, I’ll—“

Jake Norton: “BOBBY LEE TAPS! BOBBY LEE TAPS! BAH GAWD”

Linzi Martin: “JONATHAN CAGE WINS IN A STUNNING DEBUT”

Welcome to The Puppet Show!

We’re outside. You do remember outside, right? It’s that place away from your comfy little house and well worn computer swivel chair that carries an awesome new thing called ‘Fresh air’. Never heard of it? Of course not. That would mean you would have to get out of your fantasy world of beating up people for the TITLES. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. But if you’d ever emerged from your cocoons every once in a while, you’d realize—

PuppetLisa: Dolphins, attack!

—that cute little Flipper right ^up there^ is about to die for a good chunk of porpoise virgins in Sea Heaven.

KA-BOOM!

PuppetLisa: YES! Turn that dome into swiss cheese!

And why wouldn’t he do it? It’s not like RealLisa gives a shit. She letting us use the damn arena (which isn’t all that smart to begin with). The security’s nonexistent, it’s probably insured up the ass…wait, what the hell is that?!

The Puppetrishi: Brainwashed minions…er, I mean, my friends, the destruction is not yet complete. We shall purify this land with the blood of discontents as they feel the power of Damaru. Raise your face to the goddess and ask not what the Ultra Passion movement can do for you, but what can you do for the movement.

Drooling Followers: Huzzah!

The Puppetrishi: Uh, ya know. Besides making things blow up and letting me rape you. ^_^

Braindead Morons: …O_O

The congregation gasps as a giant tentacle wraps around the cult leader’s face.

PuppetLisa: Fuck you, hippie. My show, my dome, my terrorist attack!

PuppetDrake: It’s like, you know…technically, it’s PuppetSimon’s show.

PuppetLiza: Yeah!

All the big heads turn to the cutest wittle magician in the world as she ties rainbow colored bows to MuppetCthulhu’s face. The Felted Charm begins to sing.

PuppetDrake: Motownphilly’s back again
Doin’ a little east coast swing
Boyz II Men going off
Not too hard, not too soft

Everybody: O_O

He shrugs.

PuppetDrake: I’m retired. Canon doesn’t mean shit to me anymore.

A rogue wave from outta nowhere sends the Drake out and about. Sure, his cameo could’ve been longer. But he has a tour to get cracking on. Dude’s the David Hasslehoff of Taiwan. Meanwhile, The Lone Puppet of the Apocalypse is not pleased.

PuppetLisa: Get your hands off of my mighty steed!

Her twin…clone…thing backs off with a sniffle.

PuppetLiza: Awwww.

Bandwagon Jumping Bastards: Awwwww.

The blonde one with the top hat seems stunned by the crowd behind her. Her head tilts. So do theirs. It’s the most awkward thing ever. Lots of staring and not saying anything. But eventually, good ideas happen.

PuppetLiza: Hey! You guys like magic?

Mob That Loves The Magic: Huzzah!

As that Johnny Depp looking prick is devoured by the love child of Henson and Lovecraft, we switch to whatever horribleness comes after this.

Long Time Coming Inferno Grudge Match

Johnny Maverick versus Maya

Linzi Martin: Welcome back to ringside, and Maya and Johnny Maverick are already in the ring. The referee for this match, Alan Stone, steps out of the ring as the ring is surrounded with the equipment needed to bring up the flames. The crowd is on their feet, stomping their feet to add a heavy and dreadful sound in the arena (as they’re being instructed to by the REBELTron. We are in the heart of the PWA, can’t expect these idiots to know how to do anything cool or exciting .) Simon Kalis is seated at the time keepers table, and with his one good eye he is likely to keep a close eye on this match.

Larry Gordon: I can feel the heat building already, Linzi.

Linzi Martin: God save them.

Maya hugs Johnny in the ring, teary eyed as they share a warm embrace which the crowd applauds thunderously. The flames spout up all around the ring now, and the bell sounds.

DING DING DING

Maya holds onto Johnny for a few moments still then backs away. Maya smiles at him, and he holds her face. She spins around and walks away from him, he backs up as they each take a corner to start. Both of them observe the flames, and they’re already beginning to sweat. The flames rise and recede like tidal waves at a beach, coming high and then returning at foot level. More often than not they remain at foot level. Johnny and Maya walk towards each other and grapple in the middle of the ring. It’s a mistake by Maya who doesn’t have the strength to even match Johnny, let alone overpower him. Johnny begins holding her down and breaking her down as Maya struggles with all her might to fight back. Her feet begin slipping on the canvas as she is driven to her knees but she stops the power of Johnny with a swift kick into his groin area. Johnny never saw it coming, he lets go and holds little Johnny. Maya with a spinning heel kick takes Johnny to the canvas. But Maya isn’t about to relent, she knows that Johnny just doesn’t fall down without getting up. She springboards herself off the top rope, as flames whoosh up towards her barely missing her, and lands an asai moonsault on her ex-fiance. Or so she thought! Johnny lifts his knees to his chest and crushes her ribs as she lands. Maya rolls off of Johnny clutching her sides.

Linzi Martin: As everyone is aware, this is Maya’s final match in REBEL Pro. This is her fourth match inside a REBEL Pro ring, and she has three wins up until this night in REBEL Pro.

Larry Gordon: Impressive, but Johnny is a REBEL Icon who is a former REBEL Pro World Champion. I watched personally as Johnny came into his own here in REBEL Pro, and I know he’s one of the best in the business.

Johnny picks Maya up by her hair and hits a forearm smash. He knees her in the gut and she keels over. He grabs onto her and hits a jumping DDT, that crushes her face against the canvas. He lifts her right back up and takes her towards the ropes. He holds her by the neck and seemingly apologizes as he pushes her over the ropes, the flames remain at foot level however. Simon Kalis on the outside of the ring jumps up out of his seat but with his jaw sealed shut, he can’t even scream for Maya to fight back. Maya however elbows Johnny in the gut, and just as the flames go for their next wave up she pulls herself away from the fire and barely saves herself. She hits a springboard back elbow on the hurt former REBEL Pro Champion. He stumbles back. Maya again jumps onto the top rope and with amazing agility then launches herself off the top rope and lands on Johnny’s neck and shoulders. She rubs his face in her crotch and giggles on the days he was there willingly, before flipping backwards and taking him down to the canvas. She hooks the leg and then quickly realizes there’s no pinfall in this match, blushing in embarrassment.

Larry Gordon: What a rookie mistake. You’d think a Kalis would know better.

Linzi Martin: She’s getting there Larry. She has to be nervous. Fucking Johnny Maverick is a god damn REBEL legend, you said it yourself. It’d make anyone nervous, and then staxyn vs viagra throw in the fact they were engaged? Cut her some slack.

Maya gets to her feet and lifts Johnny up. She hits a spinning neckbreaker on him and takes him right back down to the canvas. She mounts him and begins wailing away on him with repeated lefts and rights with her closed fists before backhand chopping his chest a few times. Johnny looks up at her and smiles, and she licks her lips but he takes this moment of distraction to grab her by the waist and reverse their positions, slamming her against the canvas and repeatedly elbowing her across the face. She tries to cover up but she can’t and on the final shot Johnny cracks her so hard she’s seemingly knocked out, and the crowd can smell the impending victory.

Larry Gordon: It was a nice try. Wasn’t it?

Johnny lifts Maya up and takes her over to the ropes, close to the flames.

Linzi Martin: This isn’t over yet!

Johnny pushes Maya over but she wiggles her way free out of nowhere and gets behind Johnny. Johnny’s caught completely off guard, and she jumps back and then as Johnny turns around she lifts her leg up and hits her superkick finisher Perdition! Johnny catches it in the chin, bounces over the top rope as the flames shoot up and catch him on fire! The bell rings!

DING DING DING!

Jenny Jersey: The winner of this match, MAYA!

Maya has her hand raised as EMT’s at ringside quickly use fire extinguishers to put out Johnny Maverick. She quickly hops out of the ring and checks on Johnny.

Linzi Martin: So much for good try eh Larry?

Gordon grumbles to himself as Simon gets up from his seat and pulls Maya off of Johnny. Johnny looks up, stunned at the loss but cautious at what Simon is about to do. But the arena cheers when Simon extends a hand and helps Johnny to his feet, raising his hand in the air. Such a crazy moment garners many camera flashes as Simon nods to Johnny with respect, silently since he can’t talk. Maya grabs her fathers arm and the two begin walking away, but Maya is sure to throw a wink back at Johnny for good measure.

Larry Gordon: She got INCREDIBLY lucky, as all her kin do.

A Kidnapping in St. Louis

The scene cuts backstage with Jeremy Gold not hiding underneath his desk (shocker!). Instead, he seems to be daydreaming. About what, you say? Probably something like him and Bobby Lee on top of mountains of sugaries while annihilating Xenon the Xequel via ravenous butt sex. can you buy viagra over the counter Which is probably a smart thing because that was a rather horrible second coming to an almost halfway decent Disney Channel Made for TV movie. Then again, that could be the nostalgia talking. Fuck knows. Anyway, while he’s doing that, a Kalis approaches.

PuppetSimon: …

Well, almost. Despite the whole evolution from Tupac to Nick Motherfucking Fury, PuppetSimon still doesn’t have even a raspy voice. Why was that again?

*BZZT!*

Paxton’s boot. Simon’s jaw. CRACK!

*BZZT!*

Oh, yeah. That.

PuppetSimon: *scribbles* “Note to self: kill RealSimon.”

And throughout this whole pity party, it seems that Goldie finally snapped the fuck out of his pipedream and realized who’s standing on his desk.

Jeremy Gold: Simon? You shrunk. O_O

If a button eye could blink, it would. For a minute, we can see the tiniest hint of a patented headtilt before the Killa Kally wanna-be shrugs and proceeds to pop a cap inches from the human’s(?) head. As Jeremy nearly faints, the real star of the show arrives!

PuppetLisa: Sic ‘em, Cthulhu!

Of course, the Not Quite Elder God starts to rampage forth, causing its dinner to already shit his pants as a result. But just as unspeakable things are about to happen…

PuppetTeresa: Wiiiiiiiiiins!

…that damn pair of stilts just had to trip on a damn crack. She splats atop of Muppet Chtulu, leaving it stunned. PuppetLiza poofs in a magic cloud of fairy dust just in time to help her up. PuppetLisa meanwhile facepalms.

PuppetLisa: And TwatLisa thought she had issues with simpletons.

Somehow grabbing our favorite coke fiend by the hair as he whimpers over what he just saw, the Queen of Everything drags him out. The rest follow behind.

Merry Time Massacre 2012

Join REBEL Pro next time we are back on Pay Per View! As REBEL Pro, in association with The Alliance of Wrestling Federations proudly presents Merry Time Massacre! Live! December 17th, 2012 from The Aggression Arena in Raleigh, North Carolina!

Wrestling’s Undisputed

Very much expected, “Game of Thrones Main Title” by Ramin Djawadi accompanies Underground X Undisputed Tag Team Champions, Deicide & Cesar Salazar, also known as Wrestling’s Undisputed, to ringside, to a hateful reception, yet also to thousands of flashing lights birthing from cameras of all sorts.

Linzi Martin: “Looks like the rumors were true, Underground X’s prominent tag team is here, but for what?”

Jake Norton: “I’m pretty sure everyone knows the statement beforehand.”

Now inside the ring, Jenny Jersey hands Cesar Salazar the microphone she just used to introduce them, as if necessary. Accepting it gentlemanlike, Salazar looks like a Mexican Jesus in his full white suit and glorious gem of a tag championship wrapped around his waist, but this reaction from REBEL’s finest fans suggest Salazar to be a wicked member of the cartel.

Cesar Salazar: “Guys, guys. Please. I have a joke to tell. It’s a real slobber knocker.”

Deicide: “I pissed myself the whole ride here.”

Cesar Salazar: “No easy feat, but this is so good, I expect Allen Chaney to steal it.”

Deicide: “Go on, tell them the joke.”

Cesar Salazar: “Last week, for the fourth consecutive ‘Losers Leave UX’, my partner and I successfully defended our tag championships and forced out the final team in the Ultra Passion Movement, which practically leaves our division on a respirator. Four tag teams tried and utterly failed against our combined might. Los Pollos, the Giants, Soviet Union, Ultra Russians, none of them could dispute us. We’ve ruined the careers of eight men by embarrassing them through our technical prowess, torturing their bodies into submission, then left them without means of paying bills or having quality food on the table; that about sums up what we’ve done, recently.”

Linzi Martin: “This must be a dark joke.”

Cesar Salazar: “In the midst of this fine demonstration of supremacy, we visited ‘Off the Record, with Michael Landsberg’ who asked, what comes after mastering the entire division of your company? Our presence inside this ring says what’s next: we rinse and repeat in another company.”

Although some jeered at this, most fans remain quiet, quite possibly from intrigue.

Cesar Salazar: “Here’s where we laugh. Please refrain from booing so you hear this. Obviously, if you are either a fan of REBEL Pro or Underground X, you’d know there is an ongoing rivalry between the two promotions. However, there is also a working relationship; a talent exchange, if you will. That means wrestlers employed by either company are free to show up on one another’s broadcast. After accomplishing all that we have as of late, Simon Kalis approached us and spoke of a chance to broaden our message of Undisputed. He said the tag title match for this very show had been cancelled due to the mysterious disappearance of one Matthew Engel. Almost unnerved by his card’s lack of draw power, Simon became eager to have Wrestling’s Undisputed outwrestle his current tag team champions, Stolen Hearts, for the REBEL Pro Tag Team Championships.”

Deicide: “Such an awful name.”

Jake Norton: “Here, here.”

Cesar Salazar: “So we agreed, knowing that obtaining our rival promotion’s tag belts would elevate our message to an utmost standard, but, one day later, we hear news of Matt Stone & Emily Corlen quitting REBEL Pro.”

Jake Norton: “AHAHAHAHAHAHAH”

Linzi Martin: “Are they really going to talk about this?”

The fans voice vulgar disapprovals, but neither at Salazar nor Deicide. These are directed at Stone & Corlen.

Cesar Salazar: “Wait, it gets better. The reason why they quit? So they didn’t have to wrestle us. Now, they didn’t just say, “we’re sorry, Wrestling’s Undisputed, for trying to pass ourselves off as proper champions” but they tried to save face! Most noticeably, Emily Corlen said some utter bullshit about ‘needing to keep her priorities’ of being PWA Champion.”

Linzi Martin: “Emily tried burying REBEL Pro? How are we not a top priority?”

Deicide: “It’s like.. After quitting a company where you were champion, especially when this quitting is an attempt to avoid wrestling a simple match, there’s no coming back from that. Every single fucking person will see through you for what you are: a punk bitch.”

Cesar Salazar: “We are talking about Corlen and Stone here, though. Everyone in the business has taken a shit on them, and yet, they do find mild success still. We can admit that, can’t we?”

Deicide: “Sure, but take into account WHERE and against WHO they defeat to find this ‘success’, and they’re back to square one.”

Cesar Salazar: “Normally, Dei, we’d be real cheeky about this. But I find no reason to be clever. Since whenever it started, I reiterate, every wrestler with an ounce of intelligence for this business has blatantly acknowledged Emily & Stone’s awful nature. Now, without doubt, we can universally declare Emily Corlen & Matt Stone the best worst ‘champions’ of all time. Never before have we seen such cowardice, such unintentional self-punishment at a constant rate; their methods of madness would convince you this is an elaborate work, but no. It just isn’t. Those two are legitimately retarded. It’s just a shame it took REBEL Pro this long to figure it out, and the cost is the promotion’s integrity, value and respect.”

Deicide: “And that’s where we switch subjects. I don’t feel like trashing those faggots anymore, either. Let’s talk about REBEL Pro in general. As of right now, without even applying an armbar, we’ve forced REBEL’s world champion and tag champions to quit. Consequently, those supposed prestigious championships are vacant, but I’m sure Kalis will be quick to setup tournaments or whatever. And, that’s the best course of action, particularly for us. Since, well, there’s no better way of invading a company than how we are: widespread fear. As result of this blasphemy, Salazar & I stand here the Undisputed Tag Team Champions, and we say to all those, whomever remains in this pitiful division, to come try us. Come out here and avenge your company’s humiliating loss to Underground X, to Wrestling’s Undisputed.”

Fans all along the seats chant, “Second 2 None! Second 2 None!”

Linzi Martin: “I wish.”

Jake Norton: “It’d be a dream match if those four are pit together.”

Cesar Salazar: “If all the actual tag teams have quit as well, hell, we’d accept the odd pairing! Doesn’t anyone cherish their promotion’s reputation? Don’t you realize how terrible every single one of you looks right now? Stone & Emily’s actions ultimately affect all of you as well, but here’s your chance to prove to the world you all are not wimps like them; that you are strong characters willing to fight for whatever you believe in at any cost. We just want an actual challenge, really. A justification for wanting to hold these allegedly ‘big time’ tag championships that’re so big time, people have to adjust their priorities.”

Deicide: “Exactly. We’re already holding the absolute tag titles. In all actuality, if these REBEL items are treated with such recklessness, there’d be no point to even keep them. Pull a Reece Paxton and burn the titles in the trash can. Is that what all you REBEL Pro marks want to see? Your favorite promotion’s belts being desecrated?”

REBEL Fans: “SHUT THE FUCK UP. SHUT THE FUCK UP”

Deicide: “That’s not a clever chant, is it?”

Cesar Salazar: “They’re emotional right now, Deicide. The embarrassment is even overwhelming them. What’s even worse, though, is we’ve been in this ring for almost ten minutes, laughing at this company whilst getting paid by Simon Kalis and sucking up airtime on one of their biggest shows of the year; calling whoever has pride to come out and give these fans, but more importantly, give us the satisfaction of actually whooping some REBEL candy ass.”

Deicide: “Exactly! People, we have your best interests in heart! We want to give you guys a glimpse at the awesomeness of Underground X’s product by putting such a ‘BIG TIME’ promotion to shame physically instead of just verbally. Yet, where is everyone?! Why hasn’t the typical run-in entrance happen yet??”

Cesar Salazar: “They’re probably backstage playing rock, paper, scissors; determining who gets the ass-whooping first.”

Deicide: “I’m getting bored now, Ces.”

Cesar Salazar: “This does seem like a big waste of time.”

Deicide: “Ahaha. You know what? I just remembered that Underground X is supposed to be the underdogs in this story, yet here we are making a mockery of this global company.”

Finally, to the happiness of everyone, Johnny Maverick & Anna Mathews come rushing down the ramp, taking Wrestling’s Undisputed by surprise! Slipping inside the ring, the KKK (Kontroversy Kreates Kake) attacks a grinning Deicide and laughing Cesar Salazar with fierce punches that immediately wipe those smug expressions off their faces! With all four exchanging hands, dual chants of Maverick & Mathews spring from the audience, and eventually, the REBEL defenders gradually overwhelm the UX invaders!

Deicide, after a big ball of violence, is left bleeding from his nostrils and in an effective daze, but Anna being the adorable badass she is, delights these fans with an extra ‘Fuck You, Deicide’ through multiple slaps followed by a spinning chop, followed by a roundhouse kick to the side of the head and finished with a Tornado DDT! Opposite of this action, Maverick’s ‘THIS IS SPARTA’ flavored, powerful running boot is delivered so excellently, Cesar Salazar flips over-the-top-rope, lands on his feet, but instantly staggers backward into the guardrail, hitting it rather hard!!

Under two minutes, Wrestling’s Undisputed has been disposed of, for now. In victory, Anna Mathews & Johnny Maverick pick up the Underground X Tag Championships, raising them skyward to complete their act of equalizers!

To Kill? Or Not To Kill?

PuppetLiza: Well? What are you going to do with him?

The stupidest question brought to you by the doofiest puppet. Her legs hang over the edge of a production trunk as the gaggle of miscellaneous idiots fan her with the remains of Mr. Hardcore. That Other Lisa and PuppetSimon the Awesome pace around a bound and gagged Jeremy Gold. The question is stupid because they’re planning to screw him up more than what he is now. It’s what they do. But how? He has been shot at, screamed at, not given a paycheck, forced into rehab, and shoehorned into a tag team with the Ruby Vagina Emlee Korlin. What could they do to him that hasn’t already been done?

???: Why don’t you waterboard him?

The plotters quit plotting and look towards the entrance.

???: I mean, ripping his heart out and feeding it to him would also be great. Either way.

The figure, looking dapper in his green tuxedo, shrugs while holding a white box on one hand and his Vapple iFelt on the other. Angry Birds are angry and so is PuppetVirus…at least 80% of the time. Today, he seems more disinterested than anything.

PuppetLisa: You’re late.

The Queen does her best ‘gimmie one good reason why I should spare your life’ glare. He sets the box down in response.

PuppetVirus: I brought donuts.

PuppetTeresa: In win win inner win?

PuppetVirus: Yes, I got the maple crème stick.

PuppetTeresa: WINS!

PuppetVirus: I don’t understand you Canuckleheads. Maple leafs, maple syrup, maple donuts from Tim Horton’s. What’s your deal?

PuppetLisa: Wait…you can actually understand what the stork bitch is saying?

PuppetVirus: Only when she’s not talking Mandarin.

PuppetTeresa: Winner inn wins?

To what seems to be yet another stupid question, he sighs.

PuppetVirus: I keep telling you that’s only sexy if you say ‘I will rape the skulls of my victims after pushing them off a cliff’.

PuppetLisa: I’ve done that before.

In the background, PuppetSimon gives out an impressive audible eyeroll. PuppetLiza begin to say something all PuppetLiza before deciding to just shut up and practice her magic tricks. Meanwhile, our newcomer asks…

PuppetVirus: So, you gonna torture him or not?

All the big heads look to the still bound, still gagged, still scared shitless Gold and come to one conclusion.

PuppetLisa: After the donut break.

Long Time Coming ONLY ATTACKS WITH WEAPONS ALLOWED(LOL FUCK YOU VIRGIN KEENAN) Grudge Match

Virgil Keenan versus Anna Mathews

Jake Norton: “These two. These two right here. Man, this is the fucking match we’ve all been waiting for. Whenever Anna and Virgil got cameras nearby, especially when they’re scheduled to wrestle each other, masterful promos incoming. I’m genuinely pumped.”

Linzi Martin: “Right now, in the ring, Anna wields two kendo sticks, but Virgil refuses to engage her with a weapon of his own.”

Jake Norton: “He said a simple half-nelson suplex would do the trick.”

Linzi Martin: “Anna won’t let him throw the match, though. She’s going to kick his ass the old fashion way.”

Jake Norton: “Swinging for the fences, Anna misses Virgil several times, thanks to his slick agility – THERE YOU GO! – but ultimately, Anna’s 180 swing sees the stick slapping Virgil across his face!”

Linzi Martin: “Transitioned into a swift Russian legsweep with the kendo stick pressed against online viagra Virgil’s neck!”

Jake Norton: “While on her way up onto her feet, she bashes the fallen Motherfucker repeatedly with those kendo.”

Linzi Martin: “Opting to switch up her attack, Anna ditches the kendo sticks for a steel chair -“

Jake Norton: “ARABIAN FACEBUSTER”

Linzi Martin: “She goes for the pin, but Virgil is quick to kickout!”

Jake Norton: “No way did he kickout any other way other than instinct.”

Linzi Martin: “Eyeing the table setup against a turnbuckle, Anna smashes her steel chair twice against virgil’s back as she drags him toward it.”

Jake Norton: “As Virgil lays against the table, the chair is unfolded a few feet behind him. Running across the ring, leaping off the chair, Anna’s legdrop brings them both through the table!”

Linzi Martin: “Yet that still isn’t enough to put Virgil away!”

Jake Norton: “Of course not, but pin attempts is protocol. You’ll never know how effective those things are. No, these fans expect Virgil’s damage intake to be massive before he succumbs. He’s not a fucking quitter.”

Linzi Martin: “Pulling herself onto the

top rope, Anna’s Arabian Press takes her stomach-first onto the steel chair laying against Virgil’s head!!”

Jake Norton: “He’s bound to have a concussion now. Christ, you can’t be taking all this shit to the head, man. This dog might get dementia.”

Linzi Martin: “Or that toothless aggression, yo.”

Jake Norton: “Helping Virgil onto his feet, Anna stops the assist halfway up to run across the ring, come back for a jump onto the chair – GOD DAMN”

Linzi Martin: “DOUBLE UNDERHOOK DDT ONTO THE STEEL CHAIR!”

Jake Norton: “That chair is broken, now. Lol did you see how the legs gave way?!”

Linzi Martin: “Yes, and these fans definitely did, too.”

Jake Norton: “When fans mark, I get chills up my spine. Anna must feel special right now.”

Linzi Martin: “She’s too busy looking around the ring for other objects to use. Oh, there’s a cheese grater, but Virgil is wearing a mask.”

Jake Norton: “Go for the lighter fluid!”

Linzi Martin: “Flaming tables are so outdated.”

Jake Norton: “What the – Shut your mouth. You’re an idiot.”

Linzi Martin: “What’s so great about them?”

Jake Norton: “Seriously, let’s not talk about this. I’m already upset.”

Linzi Martin: “Wrapping a steel chain around her fist, Anna mounts Virgil and pounds his face flatter than a pancake!”

Jake Norton: “He’s bleeding from the mouth and nose! Or is it just from the nose? There’s so much blood!”

Linzi Martin: “Twelve shots to the face, in total. Comfortable with that, Anna brings Virgil onto his feet, “

Jake Norton: “SHE’S GOING FOR A HALF-NELSON”

Linzi Martin: “NOPE”

Jake Norton: “Overpowering Anna, Virgil escapes but is punched from behind, courtesy of a chain-covered fist!”

Linzi Martin: “This match is ridiculously brutal!”

Jake Norton: “Down on one knee, blood drips from the face of Virgil onto the canvas! Anna stalks him, looking for the finish, right?”

Linzi Martin: “She’s trying for that Half-Nelson again!”

Jake Norton: “Bringing Virgil overhead!”

Linzi Martin: “He lands on his feet!”

Jake Norton: “Anna knows, she throws a steel-covered right hook!”

Linzi Martin: “Virgil ducks,”

Jake Norton: “HALF-NELSON SUPLEX!!!!!”

Linzi Martin: “HE MAY HAVE JUST BROKEN ANNA’S NECK”

Jake Norton: “Holy shit, she’s not moving!”

Linzi Martin: “Referee Emerald Stone is calling for the bell!”

Jake Norton: “Virgil just got himself disqualified, making Anna the winner, but she doesn’t look like a fucking winner right now. Seriously, I don’t think she’s moving. Is she breathing?”

Taking off his headset, Norton gets up from the commentator’s table and goes inside the ring, just as EMTs rush out from the back. Virgil stands atop a turnbuckle, embracing the hate, and proudly displaying his bloody grin.

 

Welcome Back?

A hand, very scarred, blistered, and calissed, grips a pen as a name is scribbled across a dotted line. The dotted line, well it belongs to a very thick packet of papers.

Simon Kalis(v/o): “Glad to have you sir.”

The dark hand of Simon Kalis shakes the scarred white hand of the man who recently signed what appears to be a contract. The man has his back to us as the picture shifts to show him and Simon Kalis standing across the desk from each other. Simon’s jaw is wired shut and he’s over his computer, using a computer program made for him to type and hit enter and allowing his voice to still speak for him when he can’t physically do so himself. The white man is wearing a mask and speaks; there is something familiar about his voice.

Masked Man: Glad to be signed in the fastest growing company in the entirety of professional wrestling.

Simon smiles and both turn as the door bursts open, Larry Gordon comes in, his face a bit red from the exertion to get there quickly.

Gordon: “Simon, you know you are not allowed to sign any new contracts without my permission. You know what the paper said that I still have control over contracts.”

Simon shakes his head, typing his message down and then hitting enter.

Simon: “I’m afraid not Larry, when you screwed me over by joining the Masters of the Apocalypse, you sealed your fate.”

Gordon shoves past the masked man, Larry gives him a passing glance.

Gordon: “You know that filthy redneck is going to try something to get back in this company.”

Simon: “Larry, he cannot wrestle for Rebel Pro ever again; you saw to that by using your last veto right when I went against you and tried to re-hire him.”

Gordon smiles, finally truly noticing the man in front of the desk.

Gordon: “So, what do you think you can actually bring to Rebel Pro?”

Simon smiles; Gordon leans over to read the name on the contract.

Gordon: “Mr. Dale Petty.”

Gordon looks back up into the masked face.

Dale Petty: “I can bring unadultarated violence. I can bring bloodshed of which the likes have never been seen before. I can bring the strongest man down to his knees. In other words Mr. Gordon, I don’t play well with others.”

Gordon looks at the man, smiling.

Gordon: “Exactly what we are looking for in someone competing in Rebel Pro.”

Gordon turns to Simon.

Gordon: “Book this man in a match Simon at the next show.”

Simon nods, making a notation of it on a pad and then typing up his next message over the computer to speak for him.

Simon: “You got it Larry, as though I needed your permission.”

He smiles, knowing something, but Gordon expects nothing.

Gordon: “So, what inspired you to want to join Rebel Pro?”

Dale: “Bubba J, the Ragin’ Redneck.”

Gordon frowns heavily.

Gordon: “And why?”

The man nods.

Dale: “Regardless whether you like him or not, he’s a mainstay, he’s hardcore, he’s one of the toughest in the business. Like him or n ot, he could draw blood, he could draw a crowd, he could draw merchandise sales.”

Gordon nods, having to reluctantly agree with this.

Gordon: “Well, how about removing that mask so we can get a good look at you.”

Dale shakes his head.

Dale: “You don’t want me to do that, this face isn’t one that you want to see.”

Gordon laughs.

Gordon: “Sure it is, come on show us.”

Dale reaches up, untying the lace and as the mask drops, so does Larry’s chin.

Dale: “Hey Larry…. I told you that you wouldn’t want to see my face.”

Gordon sputters.

Bubba J: “Now shut the hell up and pick your chin up off the floor.”

He smiles.

Gordon: “You can’t wrestle in Rebel Pro!”

Dale/Bubba J kicks him right in the balls, delivering a vicious Trailer Park Trash. Bubba J/Dale stands over Gordon, dropping the mask onto his face as he looks down at Gordon.

Dale: “No, but Dale Petty can.”

He and Simon slap five with each other as he leaves the office; Simon looks down at Gordon and smiles. He uses his computer to sound out one more message.

Simon: “Gold… get someone to come clean up my office.”

He puts his feet up on the desk, crossing them at the ankles, as he lights a cigarette. He then realizes Jeremy Gold is no where to be found, cocks an eye brow wondering where his trusty sidekick is as we fade to…

Ezekiel 25:17

We open to the sounds of roaring water and asphyxiation. Which only means one thing.

Jeremy Gold: *Panting, gasping, and faux death rattles*

Donut break is officially over.

PuppetVirus: We’re going to ask you a few questions. Are you ready to cooperate?

I think with all the shock of being thisclose to a near death experience, the poor dude doesn’t have the energy to confirm a damn thing.

PuppetVirus: What country are you from?

Jeremy Gold: …what?

PuppetVirus: What ain’t a country I ever heard of. They speak English in What?

Jeremy Gold: What?

PuppetVirus: English, motherfucker. Do. You. Speak. It?!

Goldie doesn’t even get a chance to respond before once again being covered by plastic and water.

PuppetSimon: >:( *scribble* “Cereal. Need to kill RealSimon.”

The

PuppetVirus: Do you know the way to San Jose?

Jeremy Gold: N-no…

PuppetVirus: How can you not know? It’s right over there!

He points to a dot on the wall with an arrow labeled San Jose. Miss Pixiedust is just flat disgusted.

PuppetLiza: This is horrible! Why are you guys even doing this to a poor sweet misunderstood little man?

Her new followers seem perplexed by this outburst. Time seems come to a grinding halt as the twosome stop what they’re doing to think about this inquiry.

PuppetVirus: I’m doing for my own shits and giggles. You?

PuppetLisa: Proof of superiority.

PuppetVirus: Don’t you have titles for that?

For some reason (probably dramatic effect), the Mini-Queen of the Sea turns around to see all her titles tacked up on the wall. Seriously. It’s like a memorial for dead promotions. She shrugs.

PuppetLisa: Don’t you?

He can’t help but look at the AoWF Tag Team title around his waist AND the PWA Tag title roosting on his shoulder.

PuppetVirus: Point taken.

With that, the brutality and random questions commence. The Polly cotton blend Lizatanna is not deterred.

PuppetLiza: PuppetSimon, do something!

To be honest, the REBEL just doesn’t give a fuck. He slits the throat of a giant rat as a sacrifice to his own greatness, bathes in the blood, and shoves a glass eye in the rodent’s ass.

PuppetLiza: I can’t believe I have to deal with a bunch of…meanieheads!

She stomps away to great fanfare.

PuppetVirus: Do we even know if this is canon?

PuppetLisa: We kinda live in a moral grey area.

Jeremy Gold: …I am…a walnut! Get me out of here!

How about we get out instead?

Jeremy Gold: Noooo!

Too bad!

AoWF World Heavyweight Championship: Pure Rules Match

Marvin Wood versus The Phoenix©

Larry Gordon: Thank God that Jake Norton guy decided to leave. Who’s he think he is usurping my spot here?

Linzi Martin: Sexier than you, at least.

DING DING

Jenny Jersey: The following contest is scheduled for one fall, and will be fought under Pure Rules! It shall be for the Alliance of Wrestling Federations World Heavyweight Championship belt. AND the vacant REBEL Pro World Heavyweight Championship! Introducing first, THE CHALLENGER!

‘The Lonely Shepherd’ by Gheorghe Zamfir begins to play from the PA system into the arena. After a few seconds, “The Consummate Professional” Marvin Wood appears from behind the curtain with a dour expression on his face. He walks to the middle of the stage area and stands there for a few seconds, to survey the audience. He then begins walking down the entrance-way. Many of the members of the audience boo, some catcall and a few cheer. He looks at no-one as he approaches the ring, but stretches his fingers a bit. He stretches three fingers on each hand, first, and then four fingers on each hand.

Jenny Jersey: He hails from Pontefract, England! Standing in at 6’2 inches, and weighing in tonight at 240 pounds… MARVIN WOOD!

Marvin walks towards the ring steps, and walks up them and towards the middle of the apron, sliding his hand over the top rope as he does so. He pauses there for a few seconds, before entering the ring, right leg first and then left leg. He enters the ring with plenty of pomp and circumstance, as if he were a foot taller than he is. He then walks over to the opposite turnbuckle and waits.

Larry Gordon: This match is huge. Possibly one of, if not the biggest main event in the history of REBEL Pro.

Linzi Martin: Marvin Wood meets The Phoenix! Hell yeah!

Jenny Jersey: And his opponent! He is the Alliance of Wrestling Federations WORRRRRRLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION!!!!

The arena lights shut off and several seconds of silence pass. Then, in the darkness an old man’s voice begins to sing…

Oh Death
Oh Death
Won’t you spare me over ’til another year?

Pyro explodes around the entrance ramp and stage area. As the flash from the lights fade, we see a figure standing there in a long black robe, his face hidden behind the large hood. As the fires continue to burn along the ramp, the figure advances to the ring. As he passes each fire, it extinguishes.

Jenny Jersey: He stands in at 6 feet tall, weighing in tonight at 230 pounds… He is THE PHOENIX!!!!

Finally, he reaches the ring steps and climbs in before pulling can you buy viagra over the counter back the hood, revealing the Phoenix, wearing a new black and white mask instead of his normal black and red as the crowd boos heavily. Referee Alan Stone raises both the AoWF World and REBEL Pro World championships in the air for all the world to see before handing them off at ringside. Phoenix and Wood take their corners and nod to each other with respect. Both men look around the PWA Dome, the sold out crowd on their feet.

Linzi Martin: This is it. Will Marvin Wood walk out with the greatest achievement in his career? Or will The Phoenix be reborn, with a new World title to boot?

DING DING DING

Both men tie up and grapple, as a power struggle begins. Marvin Wood has the slight size and power advantage and uses it as he pushes Phoenix away and then gives him a chop across the chest. Phoenix stumbles back.

Larry Gordon: I’m sure most folks are wondering, “what is a Pure Rules wrestling match?”

Wood goes for a short arm clothesline, but Phoenix ducks it.

Linzi Martin: That’s a good question, Larry. Cause I sure have no clue what that is.

Phoenix grabs hold of Marvin Wood and slams him down to the canvas with a perfectly executed DDT.

Larry Gordon: First off, each wrestler is entitled to three rope breaks to stop submissions and pin falls.

Phoenix lifts Wood up, but Marvin lashes back with a European uppercut.

Larry Gordon: Once those three rope breaks have been used, submissions and pin falls done within the ropes are considered legal.

Wood with a Full Nelson Suplex now takes Phoenix down clean.

Linzi Martin: So after three rope breaks, you no longer get that protection?

Wood hooks the leg, and covers.

Larry Gordon: Exactly.

1!

KICK OUT!

Larry Gordon: There are no closed-fist punches to the face allowed in a Pure match, only open-handed slaps or chops to the face are allowed. Punches to other parts of the body (save for low-blows) are permitted. The first use of a closed fist will get a warning, and the second will cause the wrestler to be penalized a rope break. If he is already out of rope breaks, he will be disqualified.

Phoenix with an elbow into Marvin Woods sternum gives him the chance to get to his feet as Wood recoils. Phoenix lifts Wood up, but Wood pushes him away and then the two men grapple again.

Linzi Martin: I’m sure that won’t be a problem for two technically wonderful wrestlers like Wood and Robinson.

Phoenix with a knee to Woods gut gets the upper advantage, taking hold of Wood’s head again he hits a neckbreaker that shakes the ring.

Larry Gordon: Yep. Now the third rule is pretty simple. It’s a 20 count if either of them goes to the outside of the ring, instead of 10.

Phoenix continues to focus on Wood’s neck and head region as he locks up a sleeper hold on the REBEL Pro Aggression Champion. He wrenches the hold, as can you buy viagra over the counter referee Alan Stone checks up on Marvin Wood. Wood is still with it and aware of what’s going on but it’s becoming clear that the hold is taking its toll on Marvin Wood. Marvin forces himself toward the ropes, but Phoenix yanks back and it’s a slow move. The crowd boos, most likely because they really hate both men but they hate Marvin Wood perhaps a bit less.

Larry Gordon: Wood is in bad shape if he can’t get to the ropes.

Linzi Martin: But he is a fighter and he hasn’t been on an incredible roll in REBEL Pro for nothing.

Marvin grabs the bottom rope finally and The Phoenix is forced to let go of the hold. The Phoenix is on his feet and notices a fan in the crowd whom he points out to while Wood is still getting up. The fan holds a sign reading: “BRING BACK ROBINSON PRO” and that gets a smirk behind The Phoenix’s mask. Wood however takes the opportunity to roll up Phoenix from behind!

1!

Larry Gordon: Wood has used 1 of 3 rope breaks for the record.

2!!

Linzi Martin: Might not matter right now!

KICK OUT!

The Phoenix kicks out and rolls away from Wood. Wood quick to capitalize as he climbs the top rope and stands cautiously on the top turnbuckle. He goes for a top rope splash and lands hard on The Phoenix. Wood with another pin and the fans are on their feet.

1!

2!!

ROPE BREAK!

Phoenix places his right foot on the bottom rope out of pure instinct, thus saving himself the match.

Linzi Martin: And now Rob Robinson has used one of his three entitled rope breaks.

Wood gets to his feet and Phoenix sweeps him off of his feet from the canvas. The Phoenix is back up now and lifts Marvin Wood up. Marvin with a hard knife edged chop right across Phoenix’s chest pushes Phoenix back. Wood with another hard knife edge chop on The AoWF World Champion but Phoenix responds by grabbing Wood and taking him down with a Russian Leg Sweep. Phoenix rolls over onto Wood and flips him over, grabbing his legs and locking in a Texas Cloverleaf! The crowd is on their feet to see if Robinson finally has Wood beat.

Larry Gordon: A switch in strategy for The Phoenix perhaps? He had been focusing on Wood’s head and neck, perhaps trying to weaken him there before using his patented cradle piledriver, The Flame, on Marvin Wood but now with this submission it switches things up.

Phoenix wrenches the hold, yelling at Wood to tap out. But Wood is an immaculate professional wrestler who refuses calmly.

Linzi Martin: No I think it was more the desperation factor. It was just easier to get Wood locked down in this.

Wood uses his upper body strength to begin crawling himself to the ropes. The Phoenix almost seems as if he’s allowing this, nodding to Alan Stone. The Phoenix plants himself to stop Wood just before the ropes. Wood winces as he pushes forward with all his strength and latches onto the bottom rope. Alan Stone begins counting down for Phoenix to let go.

Linzi Martin: Oh boy. I think I figured out Phoenix’s game plan.

Phoenix lets go and steps forward, dusting off his hands.

Larry Gordon: Which is?

Wood rubs his lower back and exchanges some words with referee Alan Stone. Wood begins pulling himself back to his feet.

Linzi Martin: He’s forcing Wood to use his rope breaks. What a clever dog that Phoenix is.

Wood rushes at Phoenix with a heavy forearm smash. Phoenix gets knocked into the corner and Wood unleashes a barrage of forearm smashes, one after the other in quick succession and it definitely rattles The Phoenix’s head. Phoenix stumbles forward out of the corner and Wood with a hip toss takes him down. Both Wood and Phoenix are up and Wood places Phoenix in a standing side head lock, wrenching the move. Phoenix holds on, trying to get his bearings in order to retaliate. Phoenix lifts Wood off the canvas and slams him to the canvas, both men now down and out on the canvas. Phoenix throws himself over Wood and covers.

1!

2!!

KICK OUT!

Wood easily kicks out. Phoenix gets to his feet and so does Wood. Phoenix latches onto Wood and locks him into a standing wrist lock. Wood reverses it and puts Phoenix into a collar-elbow tie up. Phoenix gets himself out and quickly locks Wood into an abdominal stretch. Wood yells out and shakes his head as Phoenix wrenches the hold, the crowd growing restless as well at this point. Wood wriggles himself free and hits a desperation clothesline on Phoenix to take him down. Before The Phoenix can get up, Marvin Wood locks on a chicken wing camel clutch on The Phoenix. Phoenix’s eyes widen from the sensational pain as Wood now wrenches this hold and informs his friend that it’d likely be in his best interest to just tap out and admit defeat. Phoenix squirms but can’t do much to get free and it becomes obvious the life is slipping away from him with every passing moment.

Larry Gordon: Could be lights out for The Phoenix!

Marvin Wood lets go suddenly and gets to his feet, backing away from The Phoenix. The Phoenix gets to his feet slowly and turns around. That’s when Marvin Wood runs forward and hits his patented Running STO, The Imperfect Tense! He immediately pins Phoenix tightly and the crowd jumps to their feet!

1!

2!!

3!!!

NO!!! NO!!! AT THE LAST SECOND PHOENIX REACHES OUT WITH HIS FREE ARM AND GRABS THE BOTTOM ROPE! THE CROWD CAN’T BELIEVE IT!

Linzi Martin: As they say! BAH GAWD! BAH GAWD LARRY! PHOENIX WITH THE SAVE OF HIS CAREER!

Wood wastes no time trying to argue with referee Alan Stone as he pulls Phoenix from the ropes and lifts his legs up, placing his leg in-between Phoenix’s he then flips him over and locks in a Texas Cloverleaf of his own… BUT Phoenix manages to get away, and with a harsh kick to the back of Wood’s head puts Wood down suddenly. It may have been an incredibly vicious kick but referee Alan Stone has no time to check on Marvin Wood as Phoenix sits on his back and then pulls his arms up before grabbing him by the throat/chin and locking in a camel clutch. Phoenix pulls back hard, Wood chokes and winces in pain as his legs kick the canvas behind him repeatedly. The crowd is on their feet and roaring, they want Wood to get out of this.

Larry Gordon: Further focus of that neck on Wood by The Phoenix.

Linzi Martin: This is likely making Marvin Wood very vulnerable.

Wood tries to break his arms out.

Larry Gordon: Wood has used 2 of his rope breaks. Phoenix has used 2 of his.

Linzi Martin: WAIT!

Wood gets one arm free and grabs the middle rope, referee Alan Stone forces The Phoenix to let go of his hold.

Larry Gordon: Correction. Marvin Wood has used three of his rope breaks. He is no longer protected by a rope break folks.

Phoenix lifts Wood up and begins prepping him for THE FLAME! But Wood gets out of it and whips Phoenix into the ropes. As Phoenix comes back Wood grabs him and hits a heavy body slam! The crowd roars with excitement! Wood lifts Phoenix back up and whips him into the ropes again, but this time Marvin Wood follows him and hits a clothesline that sends The Phoenix toppling over the top rope. Phoenix lands hard on the outside against the barricade as Marvin Wood climbs up to the top rope again to go for that high risk pay off once again. Phoenix is hurting and it doesn’t help that fans at ringside pour beer all over him because REBEL fans say fuck The Phoenix. MARVIN WOOD JUMPS OFF THE TOP ROPE AND LANDS A SPLASH ON THE PHOENIX TO THE OUTSIDE! THE CROWD GOES NUTS!!!!!

Linzi Martin: THAT was god damn INTENSE!

Both men are now in pain on the outside, having brutalized each other’s bodies with submission after submission. The 20 count from Alan Stone begins.

Larry Gordon: This has been a hellacious match.

1!

Linzi Martin: Right now neither man is really moving too well.

2!!

Larry Gordon: Tonight we find a new REBEL Pro World Champion. But will we have a new AoWF World Champion as well?!

3!!!

Marvin Wood begins to stir a bit more, The Phoenix is still out of it.

4!!!

Linzi Martin: Get back in the ring Wood!

5!!!

Wood gets to his knees, panting.

6!!!

Larry Gordon: Don’t forget, in this match it’s a 20 count. Not that REBEL Pro usually uses that 10 count nonsense you see in the rest of the AoWF anyways.

7!!!!

Wood lifts Phoenix to his feet.

8!!!

Phoenix goes for a short arm clothesline!

9!!!

BUT MARVIN WOOD REVERSES IT, ARMTRAP NECKBREAKER FROM MARVIN FUCKING WOOD!

10!!!

THE PHOENIX IS DOWN!

11!!!!

Larry Gordon: GOOD LORD THAT WAS VICIOUS!

12!!!!

Wood lifts The Phoenix back up again and throws him into the ring.

13!!!

Wood slides back in the ring now, and the count ends. The Phoenix seems absolutely out of it. Wood begins climbing to the top rope, although he rubs his neck and winces. He gets there and then he does the unthinkable… A TOP ROPE ELBOW DROP ON THE PHOENIX!

Linzi Martin: WHOA! Did Marvin Wood just use THE ASHES on Phoenix?!

Marvin Wood covers!

1!

Larry Gordon: This could be all she wrote folks!!!!

2!!!

Linzi Martin: MARVIN WOOOOOOOD HAS DONE IT!!!!

3!!!

NOOOOOOOOOOO THE PHOENIX WITH ANOTHER ROPE BREAK AT THE LAST MINUTE!

Larry Gordon: I can’t believe it!

Wood sits up, breathing heavily in disbelief as Alan Stone holds up two fingers.

Linzi Martin: Neither can Wood!

Wood gets to his feet and lifts The Phoenix up. Phoenix brings a quick knee to Marvin Woods gut catching him off guard, placing Wood in-between his legs… Cradle Piledriver!!! THE FLAME!!!! PHOENIX COVERS!!!

1!

Larry Gordon: WOOD HAS NO MORE ROPE BREAKS LEFT!

2!!

Linzi Martin: KICK OUT! KICK OUT WOOD!

3!!!

DING DING DING!!!

The arena EXPLODES IN BOOING as the bell rings and “Final Countdown” begins to play.

Jenny Jersey: The winner of this match and STILL AoWF World Champion… and NEEEEEW REBEL Pro WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION! THE PHOENIX!!!!

The crowds boos grow louder and louder as Alan Stone hands The Phoenix both World titles.

Larry Gordon: What a night.

Confetti begins dropping from the ceiling. Figures, since we are in the PWA Dome and we’re sure The Phoenix arranged for this.

Linzi Martin: First those UX fucks invade. Now The Phoenix is once again REBEL Pro World Champion. Must bring back memories for you eh Larry?

The Phoenix raises his arms in the air, the AoWF World title in one hand and the REBEL Pro World title in the other.

Larry Gordon: Let’s not talk about that…

Wood is finally up and Phoenix helps him to his feet. The two friends shake hands as Wood is handed his REBEL Pro Aggression title. The crowd boos even louder, garbage begins pelting the ring as fans file out of the arena in disgust.

Linzi Martin: I just realized the team of Fire Wood may not have become REBEL’s tag team champions but… They now run the singles titles in REBEL Pro. Scary.

Larry Gordon: Oh boy.

Linzi Martin: For Larry Gordon, I’m Linzi Martin… Ugh. Good night, folks.

We fade to one last shot of The Phoenix triumphant! God damn it all.

Fuck.

QUICK RESULTS

Jonathan Cage defeats Bobby Lee
Maya defeats Johnny Maverick
Anna Mathews defeats Virgil Keenan
The Phoenix defeats Marvin Wood, retaining the AoWF World title and winning the vacant REBEL Pro World title