A Final Dosage of Alba & Co.

It’s hard thinking of a way to formally announce this is the final transcript I will ever write for Underground X fans, because I’ve never been appropriately formal. Yes, I’m way more so than my colleague, Kevin Holiday. Still, X’erground is a subgenre within an already subculture; meaning we’re a relaxed bunch of general politically incorrect, vulgar and exploitive bastards, which is likely why our ship is wrecked.

Even so, admittedly, a lump clogs my throat, not because I’m out of a job, though that is shitty, but I really do love this promotion. If my life were a book, this past wonderful year would undoubtedly fill several chapters full of hilarity, attitude and classics. It was quite the consumer of my pathetic life.

But these transcripts are part of me, in a way, if you think of them as journal entries for my weekly adventures in pro wrestling commentary. I take pride in these, and so, refuse to let Kevin Holiday be the last known publisher of the Blacklist. For selfish reason, I nostalgically write the following, and hope you understand the truly ironic deliverance of Underground X’s abrupt finale.

Starting off with a Bang!

The projector screen comes to life to show Macca sitting in the car park of the UX Warehouse in his shitty old van/home. Unlike the usual shit eating smirk that we are accustomed to, however, the Cuntster has a look of complete seriousness on his face.

Macca:
Way to no sell what I did last week, Sal! Champion vs. Champion? I dumped your piece of shit title in a bin in this very car park last week, remember? No, you probably don’t, because unless it suits your grand designs, you tend to just ignore what everyone around you says.

Standing up, Macca begins to roam the rows of cars in the UX arena as he continues to speak.

Macca:
And don’t think that nobody has seen what you have done here. You have put me in a match with a fucking terrorist; the man that – because of his actions – has put us out of an arena and has even killed some people. A man that you should have instantly fired, if not suspended! Is this your answer to getting rid of me, Sal? Hope that your champion literally kills me off?

Macca finally stops walking and brings up a large bottle of spirits with a rag that is sticking out from the top.

Macca:
You know what this tells me, Sal? That you actually enjoyed the carnage that The Mainerishi rained down upon us, two weeks ago. What the fuck is wrong with you? Well, if you like fire and explosions, then you’re sure to like this.

Grabbing for his back pocket, Macca produces a small Zippo lighter, which he uses to light the rag in the spirits bottle.

Macca:
This is called a Molotov cocktail, ladies and gents, but you all probably already know this, HOWEVER -

Macca takes a step back and lets the camera focus in a very classy and expensive looking vintage car.

Macca:
– what the fans probably don’t know is that this car right here is a Jaguar E type. Widely classified as one of, if not the greatest cars in the world, and let me tell you, they can cost a pretty penny. Salvatore D’Aquila, however, would probably know this better as ‘my car’. Since our esteemed boss seems to like expensive cars, fires and explosions, I thought, why not give him a present by combining all three?

And with a flick of the wrist, the cocktail flies through the air before smashing the passenger side window of the car and lighting up the interior. Flames explode into the air before settling back down. The whole interior of the car has lightened up, and doesn’t look like it plans to go out any time soon.

Macca:
Here’s the deal, D’Aquila! You try and pull your mind game bullshit again and I will start doing much, much worse than this. You put that terrorist back in a ring and you don’t even make it for the title? Blow it out your ass! Tonight I’ll end your champion, softening him up for Robbo, and after I have taken him out, I’ll be coming after you! Cheers that, cunts!

Macca walks out of the shot as the picture zooms in on the burning interior of the Jaguar before fading to black.

Singles
Serious v. Funny
Reece Paxton
vs.
Jack McHammer

- In his debut match, former REBEL Pro veteran, Jack McHammer, crosses over to take on established UX wrestler, Reece Paxton. While McHammer has many pros going for him, amongst those being a healthy body, for starters, Paxton enters looking deathly ill. Why? If you’ve not yet heard about the baffling drive-by shooting (that term doesn’t justify the outrageous firepower the mysterious attackers used on Paxton) you’d only need to see his bandaged right arm and left leg, where two (cleansed) bullet wounds set camp, as proof of his utter willpower and foolishness. He should not be competing tonight, but despite doctor’s orders, and thanks to Salvatore’s disgusting encouragement, Paxton is marching out like a vanguard soldier.

- Jumping enzuigiri immediately out of the gate, McHammer blasts Paxton, who walked up the steel steps and came onto the apron, thus sending him face-first into the apron and falling sideways off onto the concrete below, dramatically! Not only in pain for his aching face, but the awkward landing also cranked the hurt on his damaged limbs. Rocking like a cradle on the ground, an unprepared Paxton receives one diving fist drop from the top turnbuckle by McHammer! Right after, McHammer slips his hand beneath the apron and pulls out – for the love of gawd – a frying pan! Slamming the pan against Paxton, Reece fortunately blocks the first few shots with his forearm, though that can’t be pleasant. Two jabs to the chin by Paxton successfully compel McHammer to retreat into the ring.

Following inside with the same frying pan, Paxton is caught under several stomps, but pushes up onto his feet, regardless. Although punched multiple times in the face, when Paxton swung the metallic pan, the impact forced McHammer to stagger backward into a nearby turnbuckle! Leaping into the turnbuckle with a shoot kick, McHammer should’ve fallen forward but Paxton’s bombardment of nastier kicks ruled Jack pitifully. Afterward, a super kick (McHammer’s own signature) sends McHammer over-the-top-rope, with Paxton’s slingshot body splash serving Jack straightforward.

Fans plead for Paxton to bring the fight into the crowd, so he courteously does! Punching McHammer along the way over, Paxton lifts Jack and drops him testicle-first onto the guardrail! Elbowing Jack thrice on the backside of his skull, Paxton then easily guides McHammer through a few rows of fans and onto the bleachers. Scoop slamming Jack onto a cleared row, a dazed McHammer makes Paxton’s next maneuver both easier and crazier: a belly-to-belly suplex over the RAILING! FUCK! McHammer broke like a watermelon!

Skipping two minutes later, Paxton manages to bring Jack back to ringside via whippings with some fan’s leather belt! Escaping a slash by climbing over the guardrail, a bloody-back McHammer picks up the frying pan from earlier and smashes it against Paxton’s forehead, busting his eyebrow wide open! Paralyzed by the headshot, Paxton allows McHammer to double underhook DDT him into the concrete! Shoving Paxton inside the ring, McHammer ascends the turnbuckle once more to drop another diving fist, but this time into Paxton’s spine! Rolling Paxton over and hooking the leg, McHammer gets the – NO! A kickout!

Pulling Paxton onto his feet by his hair, McHammer wants to take Paxton on a mustache ride (last ride powerbomb) but Reece doesn’t like plunges. Instead, Paxton takes McHammer on a ride of tilt-a-whirl headscissors! Getting onto his knees soon as possible, McHammer unfortunately rushes into a headstand dropkick, sending him onto the canvas again! Like any bloodthirsty predator, Paxton applies a crippler crossface neckcrank that submits McHammer after twelve grueling seconds!

- The warehouse echos with Rush’s “Farcry” as the crowd cheers for Reece Paxton, the ref raises his uninjured arm in victory while he holds his other bloody shot up arm close to his chest, red in the face and panting he looks out to the crowd for a few seconds before turning to the outside of the ring and reaching for a patented UX Microphone.

Reece Paxton: “If you don’t read the tabloids, or you’ve been living under a rock, I was shot twice in the arm and leg by unknown assailants… my red 1967 chevy impala was blown to bits by a Rocket Propelled Grenade… I was the target for an act of domestic terrorism…”

He cracked a bit of a grin.

Reece Paxton: “luckily I was only grazed once, and the other was a through and through… so really, I should be at home, my arm should be slung… and I should be healing, sitting at home, watching UX as a fan…”

He looked at his hand that was dripping blood at his feet.

Reece Paxton: “But you know, I wouldn’t be able to sit there on my couch in the great white north… watching The Blacklist… and seeing Simon Kalis’s smug fucking grin, knowing he got the better of me…”

He went silent for a moment.

Reece Paxton: “Yeah… don’t ask me how I know… but while dealing with scum like him, I’ve learned to follow my gut feeling… and my gut is telling me that black fucking cyclops had something to do with it… its way to convenient for his Son’s lover and his stunning daughter to be in Las Vegas… distracting me with her magnificent breasts… and all I can think is “Shit if Rape were legal.”… and wouldn’t you know it, as soon as they drive off, terrorists open fire, kill poor willy, a homeless man that shielded me… unknowingly… from a hail of bullets… and the puppy I bought for my niece… there was nothing left of the poor guy…”

He shook his head.

Reece Paxton: “I fucked with Simon Kalis, I didn’t just poke the bear, I took a hot iron rod and jabbed it into his ass, but Simon knows, he’s not stupid… when we met in the ring, it took four of his cronies to knock me out… he knows he can’t meet me head on and win, so instead he hides beside gangs and acts of terrorism to try and take me down, to try and scare me, because he knows he can’t beat me.”

He looked out into the crowd with an almost sadistic grin.

Reece Paxton: “I could be wrong… maybe its the ultra passion movement just trying to fuck with the roster… maybe it was the Bloods, maybe they think I’m a Crip. The fact of the matter is, who ever did the job did a terrible job, cause I’m still standing here, I still wrestled tonight, and I still win.”

He held up his bloody hand.

Reece Paxton: “and I’ll still be here next week.”

“Farcry” by Rush hits the speaker as Reece drops the mic in the ring, walking out, still holding his bloody hand up high.

That Shit Cray

We fade to outside The Warehouse. A black BMW X5 is at the center of a large motorcade, with both police and private security. There is a large Yukon XL at its front, and at its back while being flanked by two police motorcycles at the front of the motorcade itself, and two police motorcycles at its back. As the motorcade comes to a stop, two men from each of the Yukon XL’s step out and open the passenger side door to the BMW X5. Out steps Simon Kalis, adjusting his black and red pinstripe Armani suit as he steps forward and takes note of the UX cameras. From the driver’s side door, Maya steps out and rushes over to her dad. Their security guards flank them as they begin moving forward. Simon puts his arm out, his elbow cocked and Maya snuggles up to her dad. She smiles for the camera.

Maya: They’ve come to greet us, dad.

Simon grunts, his jaw still wired shut after the vicious attack by Reece Paxton.

Maya: See I know what you fags are thinking. The Kalis family is pussy. I mean God, look at all the security! Big, handsome white men in suits! Sexy uniforms flanking us as we drive through Vegas.

Simon grunts again, shaking his head.

Maya: But you’re all fucking savages! You’ve got motherfuckers blowing up arenas, people doing drive bys, and worst of all you’ve got legions of virgins tuning in each and every week to see Marina Blue get fucked in the ass by a stapler. Savages and virgins are the only idiots that watch this shit. When the day comes that the two halves of the UX Fanbase meet, we’re likely to have people grabbing my cunt and trying to rape me in a locker room shower scene.

Maya smiles, Simon chuckles kinda sorta. Fucking jaw. Security of course keeps an eye out all around them.

Maya: See this doesn’t happen where we come from. You know, the AoWF. REBEL Pro. The civilized world. How else do you have psychopaths like the Ultra Passion Movement able to run freely in UX? It’s scary. UX is fucking Baghdad, and REBEL Pro is America. And nobody likes Iraq. But everyone wants to be America. And because of the brutal savagery of these wastelands called UX, my dad here got viciously attacked by Reece Paxton leaving him unable to compete.

Maya gives her dad a peck on the cheek, awwww.

Maya: But see we’re not savages. Sure people in REBEL Pro get their face grated or get DDT’d into C4 explosives, but we never experienced terrorism. And on behalf of my father Simon Kalis, and all of REBEL Pro, we would like to personally give our condolences to all those who lost their lives and were injured. And we do not say this with just words, our family has pledged one million dollars to a charity fund we’ve started for the victims of the UPM and UX awfulness. Go online and donate, and the Kalis family will also match every dollar donated by the public!

Simon nods respectfully. Maya opens her jacket and shows a black t-shirt that says “#UXTragedyFund” on it.

Maya: Get it trending on twitter people! Join the Facebook group! Allow us REBELs to enlighten the dark age denizens of the X’erground both inside and outside the ring! And that’s where we come to this week. Here to team up with Jonathan Cage against the Dirty Joke, Allen Chaney and Marina Blue. And let’s be real folks. We all know what’s gonna fucking happen. This is why these idiots had to leave the AoWF, because they’re boring and repetitive. I’m sure what you’ll find is Marina Blue finding herself in a brand new situation involving her getting a fist shoved up the abyss she calls her vagina while cutting a promo where no one gives a fuck what she’s saying. No one watches Marina Blue for her shoot ability or her in ring talent, people watch her to see her get fucked which she’s really, really good at! Inside, AND outside of the ring!

Maya plays at lifting her shirt up, Simon nudges her.

Maya: Pfft. Anyone can have sex appeal, you know?

Maya lifts her shirt up to reveal she is braless. Simon IMMEDIATELY steps away in disgust as he cringes, walking right into the arena and shaking his head. Maya stands there momentarily, her small yet perky breasts mesmerizing you fucking virgins who watch UX.

Maya: And if Allen can find his monster dick under that gut, I’m sure he’s hard too!

She puts her shirt back down.

Maya: Which brings us to him. Here’s how it’ll go with Allen Chaney! He’ll start his promo off likely at a comedy club where everyone is busy drinking away their misery, not actually caring about any of his jokes. Then he’ll come and talk about how he just wants to kick ass, which he’s not too good at. He’ll say that he doesn’t like the AoWF Gods whom he tried escaping from, when LAWL YOU CAN’T ESCAPE DEITIES SILLY ALLEN.

Maya palms her face.

Maya: There’s no creativity here. There’s little substance, what you have with Dirty Joke is repetitive juvenile bullshit each and every week with subpar wrestling skills. What I’m bringing is what my bloodline is known for. Grit. Stamina. Talent. Winning ability each and every single week a Kalis steps into the ring. And with the great Jonathan Cage by my side? I ain’t too worried right now. People don’t laugh when they see us, they nod in respect. And we don’t get fucked.

Maya thrusts a few times and smirks.

Maya: We do the fucking. What we’re bringing is not only a contrast to the terrorists and amateur pornstar comedians the UX finds itself in bed with. We’re bringing talent, we’re bringing genuine wrestling back to UX. And sure we may do some batshit crazy shit on the way, but ya gotta have fun doing what you’re doing! See ya soon dolls.

Maya winks and walks into the arena, surrounded by the other half of the security team that didn’t enter the warehouse with Simon since fuck these terrorist scum. Yeah!

Fish & Veggies

“So, you’re a presbyterian?” asks Johnny while driving.

“Pescatarian” says Allen.

“Oh, what does that mean?”

“It means I’m a vegetarian now but I can eat fish.” Says Allen.

“Oh, alright.” says Johnny.

Allens phone rings, he puts it on speaker.

“Hello?”

“Allen, it’s Brad. How are you going to wrestle?”

“Um…what?” asks Allen.

“Yeah, I just read on twitter that you’re a pacifist now?”

“Pescatarian. New diet.” says Allen, matter-of-factly.

“Oh. Hang on, Sean wanted to ask you something.” says Brad, we hear the phone being handed over to someone.

“Hello? Hey Allen. Man, this is a huge lifestyle change.” says Sean.

“Yeah well, I need to lose weight. There’s no getting around it.” says Allen.

“So, are you going to ride in cars at all? How do you feel about bicycles now that you’re a strict pedestrian?” asks Sean. Allen groans, Johnny is laughing behind his hand. We hear the phone switching hands again.

“Hey man, so I hear you’re a pedophile now.” says another voice.

“I fucking hate you guys.” syas Allen. He hangs up.

“We’re all just fucking with you, man. Why are you so on edge?” says Johnny.

“I could have died in a terrorist attack and Simon Kalis had a guy shot with a grenade launcher.” says Allen.

“Yeah, that sounds like Simon.” says Johnny, shrugging.

“I haven’t been talking about it because I know if I thought about it hard enough I’d get the fuck out of this company forever. I came here because I thought things would be less complicated. Yeah, there’s less backstage political horseshit but… I mean in RXW I never thought I might get fucking shot ya know? I can hang with anyone in the ring, I’m confident of that but….it’s like the ring is the only place I feel safe anymore in UX. Last week I won, I got my shit and I got the fuck out of there. Hell, if I had been feeling a little more social I probably would have been in the building when it went down. That Mainerishi guy… someone has to put a stop to him and everyone like him. Like Sociopath and…”

“And Simon Kalis?” asks Johnny.

“Yeah, and him. I don’t know if he’ll ever learn a lesson but…I’d absolutely love being the guy to teach one to him. Him and anyone else who is hooked on his kool-aid.” says Allen, he takes a sip of his water.

“I suggest sleeping with his daughter.” says Johnny.

“To get in his head?”

“No, because you need to relax and she’s a good ride.”

“No thanks. I don’t dip my wick in crazy. Not after a bunch of my comics got lit on fire.”

“Fair enough.” Johnny says, shrugging.

“Man, I really do hope Simon is there though. I just want to look him right in the eyes when I beat two of his best. I want him to just… I want him to instantly wrap his head around the monster he’s unleashed.” says Allen.

“And hope he doesn’t have a grenade launcher.” says Johnny, turning to Allen and giving a big cheesy smile.

“Right….that too. If he brings a gun he had better hope he hits me, otherwise I’ll jam the thing right up his ass and give him an enema he’ll never forget.”

“Sheesh, I had no idea you Episcopalians were so violent.” Johnny says, before smirking.

“Oh fuck you.” says Allen as Johnny drops him off at the UX Arena. Allen grabs his bag and steps out. He sees an expensive car pass by and he eyes it warily before stepping in the arena back entrance.

Rich’s Rasslin’ Round Table

We open on a small set with four people sitting in chairs facing each other in a circle.

Rich: Hello and welcome to Rich’s Rasslin’ Roundtable. I’m your host, Rich Lawrence. Joining me today are three very exciting up-and-coming wrestling talents from three of the biggest wrestling promotions in the country. To my right is a man who lights up True Glory Wrestling with his talents on the mic as well as in the ring, give it up for the funky one, FUNK DOGG!

Funk Dogg tries to look badass.

Rich: To his right is the woman to claims to be the true queen of hardcore, she rose to fame in Rebel-Pro but now she represents Underground X. Give it up for MARINA BLUE!

Marina smiles and blows the viewer a kiss.

Rich: Finally we have the man who dares to call himself an Emperor; he is one of the superstars of the Pioneer Wrestling Association, EMPEROR IAN!

Ian takes a chip out of the bag he’s holding and shoves it in his mouth. He weakly waves hi at the camera.

Rich: Well it’s great to have you all here. There have been some crazy things going on in the world of wrestling recently, and I’d love to hear your thoughts about them.

Marina: You mean like the UX arena bombing?

Rich: Exactly.

Funk Dogg: Yeah man, I heard about the shit. That was fucked up.

Marina: No kidding.

Ian: I don’t get it, if everyone knows the Manerishi -

Marina: Mainerishi.

Ian: Whatever, the point is everyone knows he’s responsible for this act. And yet he’s not in jail and he’s still wrestling for the company. What the fuck is that all about?

Marina: Well unfortunately, there’s no evidence that he was involved in planning the act.

Ian: So what? The American government goes after people all the time who have far less on them then this guy does. For Christ sakes, those were his henchmen that were apprehended. Maybe that’s not enough to lock him away in San Quentin, but at the very least you can place him in custody.

Marina: Well obviously they can’t.

Ian: Maybe not in bullshit wrestling world, but in the real world his commune would be raided, his ass would be tasered, and he and the rest of his goons would be taken away by a swat team.

Marina: Ian, this is the real world.

Ian: Yes of course it is. Anyway, maybe Obama will have a sniper go in and pick him off. The way this month has been going he may need an October surprise.

Funk Dogg: Man fuck that Obama, lettin in homos in the army and shit.

Marina: Real mature, asshole.

Ian: Who’re you for; Romney?

Funk Dogg: Hell no, I’m voting for Ron Paul. He’s gonna legalize weed man.

Ian and Marina share a look.

Rich: OK guys, that’s enough politics. Let’s continue with the topic of the UX attack. How did you guys feel about the reaction of the company and its talent?

Marina: The company did a shit job I feel. It’s obvious the only thing the powers that be care about is their wallets. God forbid they would let a minor thing like mass murder interrupt their schedule. Not to mention not only keeping the Mainerishi on the roster but also allowing him to remain champion. Not that the titles really matter in situations like this.

Ian: I thought the show was great the way the roster completely downplayed the situation in favor of hyping their own stupid feuds and worthless belts. I’d expect shit like that from Simon Kalis, possibly the most self-absorbed man I’ve ever met. But that old one-eyed fucker wasn’t even there. I’d like to think he was busy coming up with the $500K he owes me, but I know better.

Rich: Wait, what?

Marina: It’s nothing. Kalis offered that sum for info on the whereabouts of Matthew Engel, and Ian found some guy with the same name.

Ian: Which still counts. He didn’t specify which Matthew Engel he wanted info on.

Funk Dogg: Give it up bro.

Ian: Anyway, I thought Marina had the right idea, of getting the fuck outta there. She doesn’t need that place. She can come to PWA and tag with me. I know Lisa Seldon likes her, especially after defeating Riona Langly that one time.

Funk Dogg: No way man, she should join TGW and tag with me.

Marina: I could do both, if I wanted too.

Ian: Yeah, but you let those two plants talk you into staying, didn’t you?

Marina: Plants?

Ian: Come on, two fans somehow got backstage, despite all the security in that building? A

little convenient, huh?

Marina: Eh well anyway I’m giving it a little more effort. I think Allen and I have the makings of a good team.

Ian: Whoopy freakin do.

Marina: Sorry if I actually care about my career a little bit. I guess you think it’s so fucking cool to not give a fuck.

Ian: I don’t give a fuck if it’s cool to not give a fuck. It doesn’t matter to me what happens to the other jackoffs in this stupid fucking so-called sport. All I give a fuck about is my fuckin paycheck. I ain’t fuckin returning to sleeping in my car.

Marina: You do know that TMB has offered you a shot at his AOWF IC title, right?

Ian: Yes. I am so fucking thrilled to have a chance to claim this fucking prestigious treasure as my very own. I can’t wait to be immortalized with the likes of…

He pulls out his smartphone and looks up something.

Marina: So we just wait -

Ian: Hold on.

He continues to fidget with it.

Rich: While we’re waiting, why don’t we discuss something else?

Funk Dogg: We can talk about the lovely sweet luscious Breanne Cayden.

Marina: She’s not into you, Dogg, leave her alone.

Funk Dogg: My mind is tellin me no, but my body, my body’s tellin me yes.

Marina: A shot of mace to the eyes would tell you no.

Ian: OK shut up guys, I found it. I can’t wait to be immortalized with the likes of Mark Haydn, Abunai, and November. Household names all of them.

Marina: That may be, but should you actually put effort in and somehow win this match, you’ll make more money. Titles aren’t just for bragging rights, there is monetary value attached.

Ian: No shit Marina. If I work harder, I’ll earn more.

Funk Dogg:He doesn’t want to work, he just wants to drink beer and smoke weed.

Ian: Shut up Mitch.

Rich: Alright guys settle down. I’m afraid that’s all the time we have tonight. I wanna thank you three all for coming.

Funk Dogg: It’s only been like five minutes.

Rich: And a fun five minutes it’s been. Thank you and goodnight.

The lights dim as the four continue chatting.

Tag Match: UX vs REBEL!

Dirty Joke(Marina Blue & Allen Chaney) versus The REBELs(Jonathan Cage & Maya Kalis) w/Simon Kalis

- Like all Underground X tag matches, we do things tornado style. All four members are in-ring at once, but it’s Allen Chaney who opens the battle by spearing Maya like a rhinoceros! In the meantime, Jonathan Cage avoids several stiff yet various kicks (savate, shoot, roundhouse, and axe) and counters with a vertical suplex. Attempting to lock in a Kimura, Cage cannot control Maya well enough, so she escapes but not without mule kicking Jonathan in the mouth! “I hope this means Cage can’t talk about Fisher for a while” Oh, come on, Kevin. It’s not that bad.

- Chaney may have more hatred for Simon but Maya’s blood connection to the Kalis apparently suffices tonight as a suitable replacement. Headbutting Maya four times, Chaney then gutwrench powerbombs Maya smackdown in front of Simon, who wears a scowl. Enjoying this embarrassment Maya is undergoing, Chaney knees Maya once in the face, elbows the nape of her neck, then lifts her onto his shoulders, heads toward the ropes, and tosses her over-the-top, to the outside, where she drops into Simon’s arms; the high velocity forces them both to collapse onto the cement messily! “Too bad Chaney became a faggoterian, otherwise he could’ve ate those dead dicks.” Don’t try so hard, Kevin.

- Sidewalk slam (Allen Chaney) plus an inverted leg drop bulldog (Marina Blue) ceases Cage’s movement momentarily. Long enough for Marina to hold a prone Cage’s legs apart as Allen jumps off the top turnbuckle to hit a diving headbutt into Cage’s scrotum! “That’s what’s up” Kevin affirms. Applying a cross press, Marina nearly gets the three, but Maya’s slingshot corkscrew disrupts! Landing on Marina’s head, Maya sidelines her for a minute, leaving only Allen to receive a frontal and side thrust kick into a – what Kevin Holiday calls – Cleveland Bus Uppercut! Knocking Allen onto his ass, Maya figuratively decapitates the comedian as if he were a jack-in-the-box when Allen tried attacking but ended up swallowing a Spartan kick to the mouth! “There goes a tooth” Fucking seriously?! I thought it was saliva but it could be a tooth!

- Belly-to-belly Suplex (Jonathan Cage) transitioned smoothly into a corkscrew neckbreaker (Maya Kalis) nearly murders Allen Chaney! Jesus, Kevin, Allen is bleeding so much from the mouth; he very well might have lost a tooth in the process! Maya goes for the cover, but right at the two, an intruding springboard legdrop ruins Maya’s attempt, courtesy of Marina Blue! Coming to REBELs rescue, Jonathan Cage wraps on an inverted headlock, cranking Marina’s neck – making her yell in pain and likely frustration, but that’s soon brought to a halt after a snap inverted DDT! “Hung that bitch by the clitoris” Kevin jokes.

- GOD DAMN IT, YOU REBEL PRICKS! THIS IS OUR ONLY TABLE! I HAVE TO BUY THESE MYSELF! Man, Jonathan Cage assisted Maya Kalis in lifting Marina Blue onto her shoulders as Maya stood atop the turnbuckles to leap forward into our announce table for a godlike sit-out powerbomb that blew every fucking mind in this warehouse!! “Scatter our brains, why don’t ya?” Everyone is shouting in joy that it’s almost hard to stay mad. This is intense! This is incredible! This is exactly the fucking level of quality only Underground X provides. Fuck all these other bullshit promotions with far inferior bullshit matches. “These two won’t be wrestling for a few weeks. Guarantee that, bitches” Kevin predicts.

- Readying to propel himself off the ropes and into a rising Allen Chaney, when Jonathan Cage springboards, Allen surprises, catching Cage with a bearhug, then tossing him over the shoulder and dropping for a reverse piledriver! Going for the pin, Allen couldn’t obtain the three due to a kickout! Lifting Cage, Allen tries a double underhook backbreaker, and as painful as that must have been, Cage still raised the shoulder before the three! Gesturing a cutthroat, all 342 pounds of Allen Chaney ascends the turnbuckle, preparing for a diving headbutt! Opposite of Allen, a revived Maya Kalis – to much astonishment – rushing across the apron till halfway, then leaps onto the ropes, which propel her alarmingly fast into Allen! In midair, Maya’s legs somehow slickly wrap themselves around Allen’s neck in time to execute an utterly BRILLIANT (caps lock for emphasis) hurricanrana that THREW Allen not JUST to the outside but OVER the barricade and INTO the fucking SECOND ROW of our audience!! “That potbellied pig took out seven people!?!” YES, KEVIN. YES! MAYA KALIS. MAYA KALIS.

UX Fans: THANK YOU REBEL! THANK YOU REBEL!

-Sacrificing herself to save Jonathan Cage from Allen’s diving headbutt, Maya Kalis lays on the concrete outside the ring cradling her left arm. “It could be dislocated, Paul. She took one ugly bump” It’s probably safe to assume this time she’s out for good. Although, we said that earlier, and look at the fucking willpower she has. “But with Marina Blue still unconscious, and Allen Chaney obliterated, who can end this match now?!” Good question, Kevin. Referee Willie Williams seems unsure of what to do, but Jonathan Cage is stirring. Now aware of the situation, Cage goes to the outside to collect Marina Blue. Irish whipping Marina toward the apron, Marina weakly jumps and decently manages to roll inside the ring, but her left knee hit the apron harshly.

- Being opportunistic, Jonathan Cage returns to the inside and stomps on Marina’s left knee thrice. Slapping Marina twice in the face, fans are shouting verbal abuse to the former UX veteran (and arguable Legend) but he not care. Trying to bring Marina overhead, Cage is shown Marina’s fantastic flexibility via a mule kick directly blasting his nards! Taking two steps backward in pain as his mouth is agape, Marina seizes the moment to dirtpipe milkshake!! “VAN TERMINATOR” Kevin shouts! Ascending the turnbuckle, Marina shoots backward with a CORKSCREW MOONSAULT – THAT GETS THE THREE! DIRTY JOKE WINS. DIRTY JOKE DEFEATS THE REBELS!

UX Fans: DIR-TY JOKE! DIR-TY JOKE!

“Slip It In” by Black Flag cues Marina Blue & Allen Chaney’s victory over Maya Kalis and Jonathan Cage. “Doesn’t Marina look outrageously hot when smiling that bloody grin?” Kind of.

MAIN EVENT: Champion versus Champion; Robinson On Commentary!

Macca versus The Mainerishi

- Paul Alba: Back from commercial break, and, sheesh, Robbo, that Johnny Roman made a serious claim to the number one contender spot, didn’t he?

Kevin Holiday: Hold on. How in the hell did Roman do that? Romes and Trev battle it out for twenty minutes, exchange chair shots, hit some DDTs and suplexes on the concrete, ending with the pair double knockout punching each other off the top of the jumbo-tron; freefalling twenty feet into stacked tables; just a typical day at the office, really.

Sean Robinson: Yeah, the match ended in a draw, but what Alba’s getting at is how Roman basically fought till at least neither him or Sands would be able to get the W. I suppose some people will look at that as something noteworthy, but all that really says is Roman will put up an extreme fight. Roman’s a risk taker, and sometimes that pays off, but putting yourself wholly at cost is likely to result in how this last match concluded: a draw. What’s the point, then? We don’t need someone who’s going to draw with Mainerishi. We need someone who can defeat the Mainerishi.

Paul Alba: That sounds, Robbo, you reasonable man. Speaking of reason, these fans are understandably hostile toward the first man out from the curtains, our Undisputed Champion, The Mainerishi.

Kevin Holiday: We all know what this awful sack of shit likely did, though there’s not much proof other than by association. To be honest, I’m disgusted by the sight of his ass-licking, ultra campaigning, raging mug.

Sean Robinson: I know my job out here is supposed to assist you two in calling the Main Event, but, I’m going to observe quietly instead.

Paul Alba: Perfectly fine. Holiday and I got this covered.

Kevin Holiday: But NOT Dead Rising.

Paul Alba: What?

Kevin Holiday: It’s surprising to see nobody accompany The Mainerishi to the ring, especially considering this is his first public appearance since the Blacklist 40.

Paul Alba: What’s even more unnerving is the probability of a full scale riot breaking out at any moment.

Kevin Holiday: Mainerishi’s heat is what I imagine Osama bin Laden having if he were a wrestler.

Paul Alba: Hahaha. Since when did Macca’s theme music start with glass shattering??

Kevin Holiday: I like how the Collingwood Football Club theme follows.

Paul Alba: This is the loudest, positive reaction I’ve ever heard for any wrestler in Underground X history. And there are only roughly five hundred people in here!

Kevin Holiday: Macca comes walking out like a damn action hero, with his head slightly bobbing, jaw clenched, and one mean scowl mixed with a trademark smirk.

Paul Alba: Sliding inside the ring, Mainer extends his hand for a shake, but MACCA HITS MAINER! LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT, RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT, LEFT – KICK HIS FUCKING ASS, MACCA!

- Irish Whip into the ropes, and Mainerishi comes back into a flapjack by Macca, but as Mainer is pushed into midair, Mainer effortlessly applies a headlock, so when he falls, in a swinging motion, Macca is countered by a horribly great snap DDT! How Macca’s head collided with the canvas could persuade someone into believing this match would end right there and then, but Macca fortunately kicked out before the second.

- Thrust kicking Macca in the chest, Mainer then slithers around Macca into a knot of Kimura with neckscissors. Flipping backward, Mainer’s submission is released immediately after Macca attempted an inverted straddle pin, but even so, Macca transformed this position into an ankle lock, further displaying his appetite for submission. And the ankle lock means serious business in Underground X, since three people (Deicide, Cesar Salazar & Johnny Roman) have utilized its madness to break the ankle of their opponents.

Rolling forward, Mainerishi forces Macca to stagger forward into the ropes, but simultaneously with Mainer’s standing, Macca rebounds off the ropes backward via springboard moonsault, taking Mainerishi back down to the canvas! Only a single count, however. Also, apparently not as effective as desired (the moonsault), Macca’s assisted onto his feet by Mainerishi, only for the (alleged) Terrorist to overhead double underhook suplex Macca across the ring!

- Driving to hurricanrana city, Mainerishi, for the first time in Underground X, repetitively delivers a whopping five hurricanrana’s to Macca, that send him fumbling and tumbling around the ring till the last aerial twister throws him into a nearby corner. Pulling himself upward by the ropes, Macca stands to see an incoming shoulder tackle, but cleverly counters via one-armed side slam; a slam which impact had Mainer’s head bounce off the canvas like a rubber ball! Now that Mainer lies, Macca choked Mainer with his foot for seven seconds till deciding to switch into vicious stomping onto the Undisputed Champion’s ribcage! Unsurprising that Mainerishi’s may have broken a rib after Macca crushed his stomach thirteen times. But what is surprising is Mainerishi refusing to stay down for the three counts!

- Changing gears, this match no longer becomes about outwrestling one another. Macca leaves the ring, giving Mainerishi time to recuperate, deliberately. During this brief recess, Macca confronts a seated Salvatore D’Aquila, aggressively.

Macca:
“You sit there fucking oblivious to the fact I am capable of beating that tosser and saving your fucking company, Cuntator! When I pin his ultra cunt, what will this all mean? It’ll be for nothing. Unless you put aside your differences with me, and do what you claim is ‘right’. Hell, I know you don’t give a damn about what’s ‘right’ but consider how it’ll straighten your bent company.”

Leaving Salvatore to chew on those thoughts, Macca reenters the ring, just in time for Mainerishi to go on the offense. Landing two kicks on Macca’s back, the Cuntster finds footing before any serious damage could be done, plus, Mainerishi loses control thanks to Macca’s barroom fists of jawbreakers. The next ten seconds is spent with Macca reeling in like a smart yet caught shark readying to gobble Mainerishi’s silly strategy. And when the time comes, fourteen headshots conclude in Macca knee striking Mainerishi so hard in the ribs, Mainer screams girly!

Kevin Holiday: RAPE TACKLE!

Sean Robinson: SPEAR! SPEAR! SPEAR!

Hooking the leg, Macca watches referee Charlie only reach two counts before Mainerishi exhaustingly powers out! HOT DAMN!

- From all this excitement and tension, Vanessa rushes across ringside toward a now standing Salvatore D’Aquila, holding his hand out to accept the microphone Vanessa carries.

Salvatore D’Aquila:
“Macca, I have heard your call, and you’re right! I am going to put my faith in you. These fans are putting their faith in you. Macca, you MUST defeat the Mainerishi! This match is now for the Undisputed Championship!”

Sean Robinson: THIS IS WRESTLING! THIS IS WRESTLING!

Kevin Holiday: NOTHING’S EVEN HAPPENING, FAG. SHUT UP

- Bleeding from the mouth after being struck so hard by Macca’s Busaiku Knee Kick (tribute to Kevin Holiday, who never fails to mention it’s in his honor), Mainer lost three of his front teeth, to so much fucking approval! The brutality of this match is off the charts! Fucking hell, Macca may as well be holding a shovel! It’s burial time! Dazed by the punt to his head by Macca, Mainerishi is within reach of death’s cold, blue hands! Pulling Mainerishi up by his messy, blood-stained hair, Macca shouts at him:

Macca:
“Quincy Percival Ronald McDonald Has Defeated You!”

Guillotine neck crank!! The second time Macca has busted out the neck crank, with its first use in eliminating Robbie Ferrari from the Uncensored Battle Royal at Blacklist 40! Can Mainerishi hang on?! If he submits, this will end his Ultra Passion Movement! It’ll undoubtedly cost him his job, and he’ll be cast far away from the spotlight he craves forevermore! “Break his fucking neck!” Holiday demands!

MAINERISHI TAPS! MAINERISHI SUBMITS! MAINERISHI (rage) QUITS!

:’D MACCA HAS DONE IT. MACCA HAS WON THE UNDISPUTED CHAMPIONSHIP! THE LONGEST REIGNING UNDISPUTED TAG TEAM CHAMPION, THE GREATEST UNCENSORED CHAMPION, AND THE FIRST EVER MAN TO HOLD BOTH THE UNDISPUTED & UNCENSORED CHAMPIONSHIPS AT ONCE! MACCA HAS MADE HISTORY! MACCA IS THE MOST HISTORICAL FIGURE IN UNDERGROUND X, PERIOD!

“Stand Up (For The Champions)” by Right Said Fred blares in name of Macca’s Undisputed victory! Fireworks explode, confetti showers ringside, and fans merrily sing and drink to their new Undisputed Champion as Salvatore D’Aquila holds his head in his hands!? Why the fuck is he doing that?! He should be proud that Macca has brought the solution!

Kevin Holiday: AHAHAHAH! IS THAT BAD MAN REECE JACKSON?!

Sean Robinson: Ugh.

Coming down the entranceway is none other than Macca’s father-like figure, ‘Bad Man’ Reece Jackson, with tears streaming down his face! Now on the apron, before entering through the ropes, Bad Man points his index finger at Macca, then does his signature funky dance on the apron! Macca smiles and the audience pops for the veteran’s antic.

’Bad Man’ Reece Jackson: Son, I didn’t realize the dream physically, but through your success, It’s the same dream.

Now quite sentimental, Macca and ‘da bad guy’ embrace each other via a hug similar to Chris Benoit & Eddie Guerrero’s at WrestleMania XX. :’)

While ‘Bad Man’ buttons the Undisputed Championship around Macca’s waist, an even bigger surprise comes at the entranceway, where Macca’s two former 3 Drink Minimum partners, Bruce the Mighty & Kai Cooper, stand clapping. Oh my god, I think I’m about to cry. After all the bullshit those Aussie boys been through together, to see them come together at such a time is truly dreamy.

Kevin Holiday: I’m sure they’ve all made up off-screen or something. Besides, for the past month or so, Macca has shown such an improvement in character that it’s reasonable to think these three best pals have buried the hatchet.

You may be right, Kevin. To see a 3 Drink Minimum reunion, with ‘Bad Man’ passing out the drinks between the four is heartwarming. Oh, what? Macca wants us to join him?

Kevin Holiday: Why the hell not?

Sean Robinson: I suppose just this once.

Getting up from the (destroyed) commentators table, the three of us (Sean Robinson, Kevin Holiday and me – Paul Alba) went into the ring to have a cold one with 3 Drink Minimum / BadCunts. It was definitely a sight to behold. Especially when Willie Williams, Cesar Salazar, Deicide & Jeremiah Jihad, Tony Edison & Erik Loomis, Reece Paxton, Allen Chaney & Marina Blue, Mike Majere & Vanessa, Larry Fields, Jonathan Fhenix, John Johnson & Nirvana, Eddy Hawkins, Scorpion, Johnny Chainz, Simon & Maya Kalis, Jonathan & Cheyenne Cage, Simon Sensation, El Pollos (Blanco, El Hijo, Soup & Black), Robb Shadows and John Chellios all came out onto the ramp to applaud Macca for being the savior of Underground X; for being an Undisputed Champion they could be proud of; for unknowingly being the final face of the X’erground.

Cheers that, Cunts!

Fade to UX logo for the last time.

The Nice Way

Before we go, I want to give a few important figures their dues in making this past year of the X’erground amazing. Since, it’s unlikely Underground X will have an official Hall of Fame now that REBEL Pro owns us, plus, Hall of Fame careers usually need be more than a mere year, but Underground X doesn’t play by conventional standards anyway.

Ugh. I forgot that John Fisher has his own little Hall of Fame (Sinister Fiend & Reno Drake LOL ) Fuck that. Fuck those two losers. This Hall of Fame is the only one; because I am ‘the Voice’ of Underground X, my opinion goes quite far. So, allow me to induct the following into the

Cesar Salazar:
1st Undisputed Champion (80 days)
Undisputed Tag Team Champion (w/ Deicide; Final Champions)
Notable Matches:
-BL1: JonCage v. Nacht v. Salazar; Undisputed Title
-BL2: Nacht v. Salazar; Undisputed Title
-BL5: Cooper v. Salazar; Undisputed Title
-BL9: Deicide v. Salazar; Undisputed Title
-BL22: Deicide v. Salazar
-BL23: First Blood; Undisputed Tag
-BL24: Bruce the Mighty v. Salazar
-BL27: Macca v. Salazar
-BL29: Macca v. Salazar
-BL30: Holiday v. Salazar
– MadnessSetsIn: Robinson v. Salazar v. Deicide v. Holiday; Undisputed Title
– BL37: Pollos v. Wrestling’s Undisputed; Undisputed Tag
– BL38: Wrestling’s Undisputed v. SovietUnion; Undisputed Tag

Cesar Salazar is the man responsible for Underground X successfully re-launching. Although having a purist mindset, Salazar worked pro bono for Underground X to prove his passion for the business, to ensure upcoming UX wrestlers enough money to take care of themselves, and provide the fans with quality entertainment. Many professional critics widely agree Cesar Salazar is a wrestler who brings the best out of whomever he works with. If a comparison could be made, Ceez is UX’s Hulk Hogan.

Deicide:
Undisputed Champion (85 days)
Undisputed Tag Team Champion (w/ Cesar Salazar; Final Champions)
Notable Matches:
-BL3: Cooper v. Ramey JR v. Deicide
-BL5: Sands v. Chainz v. Deicide
-BL7: Deicide & Cooper v. HOLOKOST & Commissar
-BL9: Deicide v. Salazar; Undisputed Title
-BL10: Holiday & Deicide v. Scorpion & Robinson
-BL12: Chainz v. Scorpion v. Deicide; Undisputed Title
-BL17: Bruce the Mighty v. Deicide
-BL20: Deicide v. Cooper; Undisputed Title
-BL22: Deicide v. Salazar
– MadnessSetsIn: Robinson v. Salazar v. Deicide v. Holiday; Undisputed Title
– BL37: Pollos v. Wrestling’s Undisputed; Undisputed Tag
– BL38: Wrestling’s Undisputed v. SovietUnion; Undisputed Tag

Deicide is why the ‘Referee Stoppage’ rule was introduced after snapping both of Cesar Salazar’s ankles to win the Undisputed Championship. He then went on to become (at the time) the most dominant Undisputed Champion ever, destroying everyone in his path till Blacklist 20, where UX successfully became an internet sensation thanks to both Cooper & his sixty minute efforts! Fading out of the spotlight sometime after that, his influence was still ever present as every wrestler aimed to break his title reign record and be known as ‘dominant’ – a term frequently used to describe The Sacred. He came back to main event ‘Madness Sets In’, UX’s first pay-per-view, to help the promotion successfully break into the mainstream. Afterward, him and longtime arch-rival, Cesar Salazar, banded together to repeat a ‘dominant’ reign as one-half of the Undisputed Tag Team Champions, Wrestling’s Undisputed; retiring four tag teams in the process, and remaining Champion till the very end.

Kai Cooper:
Undisputed Champion (83 days)
Notable Matches:

-BL3: Cooper v. Ramey JR v. Deicide
-BL5: Cooper v. Salazar; Undisputed Title
-BL7: Deicide & Cooper v. HOLOKOST & Commissar
-BL9: Purist Army v. Hardcore Alliance
-BL11: HOLOKOST & Commissar v. Macca & Cooper
-BL13: Parking Lot Brawl
-BL16: Holiday v. Cooper, Guest Ref: Deicide
-BL20: Cooper v. Deicide; Undisputed Title
-BL22: Cooper & Edison v. Fhenix & Robinson
-BL24: Cooper v. Robinson; Undisputed Title
-BL27: Bad Man v. Cooper
– BL28: Cooper v. Fields v. Robinson; Undisputed Title

Kai Cooper is the Undisputed Champion that emerged victorious from the groundbreaking, Blacklist 20 ‘Iron Man’ bout that essentially turned UX into an internet juggernaut; the only promotion that did exceptionally well without a network contract. Cooper is what wrestling historians would consider a ‘homegrown’ talent. Cooper began his venture underground very raw and amateur, but gradually (actually, quite quickly considering the timeframe) became a well-rounded wrestler who had many classics battles against other UX Legends such as Deicide, Salazar, Robinson and Holiday. Cooper is the sort of wrestler who doesn’t solely depend on victories in order to stay relevant and meaningful, like Mick Foley, but his mountainous charisma, mind-blowing flexibility and ultimate underdog persona immediately cemented him as a naturally brilliant superstar. Kai Cooper is the definitive boyhood dream.

Kevin Holiday:
Uncensored Champion (40 days)
Notable Matches:
-BL8: Uncensored Battle Royal
-BL9: Purist Army v. Hardcore Alliance
-BL10: Holiday & Deicide vs. Scorpion & Robinson
-BL13: Parking Lot Brawl
-BL16: Holiday v. Cooper, Guest Ref: Deicide
-BL19: Jihad v. Holiday
-BL27: Holiday v. Santos
-BL30: Holiday v. Salazar
– MadnessSetsIn: Robinson v. Salazar v. Deicide v. Holiday; Undisputed Title

Kevin Holiday is precisely what his nickname claims: the Moment. When you review Kevin’s in-ring career, you’ll see a sea of hilarious and brutal spots explaining his iconic ranking. Although a former Uncensored Champion, the main issue with Kevin Holiday’s UX wrestling career is most of the time was an intoxicated effort, and when ‘tripping balls’, Holiday became more concerned with doing whatever he found amusing than winning a simple contest. Any UX fan worth their cents knows Kevin suffers an outrageous drug addiction, but that’s what makes him who he is. May it be Holiday destroying the ‘infamous’ Warehouse with a wrecking ball, snorting cocaine off Willie’s forehead, turning Santos against Cesar for ‘lols’, using Robinson as a human shield, smearing a shit-filled diaper into unconscious Cooper’s face, brawling with Jihad in a Mexican restaurant, or being an unbelievably hilarious color-commentator, Holiday entertained the masses unlike any other.

As result, Kevin Holiday is the only man in Underground X to join the Hall of Fame solely based around his ‘awesome-than-thou’ / ‘larger-than-life’ personality, and the fact he sells more merchandise than anyone in Underground X, period.

Sean Robinson:
Undisputed Champion (120 days)
Uncensored Champion (45 days)
Notable Matches:
-BL9: Purist Army v. Hardcore Alliance
-BL10: Holiday & Deicide v. Robinson & Scorpion
-BL13: Parking Lot Brawl
-BL19: Robinson v. Fhenix; Uncensored Title
-BL22: Cooper & Edison v. Robinson & Fhenix
-BL23: Reno Drake v. Robinson
-BL24: Robinson v. Cooper; Undisputed Title
-BL28: Cooper v. Fields v. Robinson; Undisputed Title
-BL30: RobbShadows v. Robinson
-BL31: Eiffel v. Robinson
– MadnessSetsIn: Robinson v. Salazar v. Deicide v. Holiday; Undisputed Title
– BL35: Robinson v. Fhenix; Undisputed Title
– BL40: Uncensored Battle Royal – Robinson vs. Mainerishi; Undisputed Title

Sean Robinson is the Greatest Undisputed Champion of All Time, to be blunt. Surpassing Deicide’s dominant reign, and also awarded by Wrestling Observer Newsletter for ‘Best on Interviews 2012’, Sean Robinson’s lucrative Undisputed reign is known as the one that broke the glass ceiling, that set the best standard a Champion could make in Underground X, that drew the largest audiences and highest buyrates, and that also is Underground X’s most profitable champion of all. Not only is Sean Robinson a fucking ‘Guinness World Records’ book made flesh, he’s also universally acclaimed the greatest technical wrestler of modern times. Go watch any of his UX matches and see the insanely psychological brilliance the man unleashes on his adversaries. Whether he’s busy submitting Jonathan Fhenix or Tiger Driving Kevin Holiday through a rusty, broken car, no matter what, Robinson always steals the show. As the fans chant during a Sean Robinson match, “This Is Wrestling!”

Tony Edison:
Uncensored Champion (28 days)
Notable Matches:
-BL14: JonCage v. Edison
-BL15: Bruce the Mighty & Edison v. Cheyenne & Lunatic
-BL18: Elimination Tables
-BL22: Cooper & Edison v. Fhenix & Robinson
-BL23: Whispers v. Edison
-BL24: Edison v. Fhenix; Uncensored Title
-BL27: Mainerishi v. Edison; Uncensored Title
-BL33: Bad Man v. Edison
-MadnessSetsIn: Edison v. Norton
-MadnessSetsIn: Edison v. Shadows
-MadnessSetsIn: Edison v. Fhenix
-BL38: Eastern Uproars v. Ultra Passion
-BL39: Eastern Uproars v. Metal Militia
-BL40: Barbwire Steel Cage

Tony Edison is the Man Gravity Forgot. Asking why Edison is in UX’s Hall of Fame would be like questioning Chris Candido, Jerry Lynn or Dean Malenko’s inductions. None of those wrestlers needed championships, gimmicks or flamboyant looks to do what they did best: electrify the audiences thoroughly. Of all the inductees in this ‘Hall of Fame’ class, Tony Edison is the only one to have wrestled in multiple eras of the X’erground. Fighting against and defeating the likes of Jonathan Cage, Sinister Fiend, Reno Drake, Adam Cage, AJ Donovan, Colby G. and Killah Kain – Edison was a regular household name back in the earlier UX incarnations. Those feats alone warrant an induction, but when he returned to the X’erground earlier this year, fans came in their jeans at the realization Tony Edison still has so much more to contribute. Simply look back at ‘Madness Sets In’ where Tony Edison wrestled in three separate matches and all three received 5 star ratings from multiple wrestling publications. Do you understand?

When Edison finally defeated Jonathan Fhenix to retrieve the Uncensored Championship he long sought, that victory remains the best ‘feel good’ moment in Underground X history. It’s such a shame Tony Edison and Erik Loomis weren’t able to challenge Wrestling’s Undisputed for the Undisputed Tag Team Championships, like so many fans hoped for, because ‘Eastern Uproars’ reinforced Edison’s career as one everlasting. Nevertheless, the unforgettable sequence of Tony Edison Pele kicking Jonathan Cage off a seventeen-foot-high crate, only to crash-land through multiple crates below, and then Edison freefalling into the arms of audience members, will remind everyone that an impossible man exists.

‘Bad Man’ Reece Jackson:
Undisputed Tag Team Champion (w/ Macca; 75 days)
Notable Matches:
-BL22: Bad Man v. Reno Drake
-BL23: Conundrum v. Mainerishi v. Bad Man
-BL24: Bad Man v. Mainerishi
-BL25: 2 Man Gang v. Norton & Cunt
-BL26: 3DM v. BadCunts; Undisputed Tag
-BL27: Bad Man v. Cooper
-BL29: Bad Man v. Timmy Thompson
-BL31: Bad Man v. Wight
-BL32: BadCunts v. SovietUnion
-BL33: Bad Man v. Edison

‘Bad Man’ Reece Jackson is the most controversial wrestler to ever grace the UX ring. Look at his ‘notable matches’ and recognize how consistently and consecutively he performed utmost ludicrous. Perhaps due to his age, ‘Bad Man’ seemingly did not give any fucks whether he’d be shitting in front of Cesar Salazar’s locker-room door or (whilst in a donkey costume) thrusting himself into Betty White’s anus. He preferred to bully Timmy Thompson, kidnap Christy Greene, parody Nirvana and call out every motherfucker within sight. Sometimes his bigmouth got him into trouble with Johnny Cunt; other times saw ‘Bad Man’ shoving his cock into another’s mouth, such as Bruce the Mighty, in the showers.

The most upsetting crime Reece Jackson committed was no-showing his Main Event match against Sean Robinson at Madness Sets In. That alone, according to diehard fans, stricken all the marvelous gems ‘da bad guy’ gave us. I, on the other hand, completely disagree. It only furthers Reece Jackson’s absurd legacy. Plus, hey, he also legitimately defeated Kai Cooper and the Mainerishi, who’re former Undisputed Champions, and won the tag team championships with the final Undisputed Champion, Macca. Not everything ‘Bad Man’ has done is for the piss! Still, we gladly drank everything he gave us.

Macca:
Undisputed Champion (Final)
Uncensored Champion (Final)
2x Undisputed Tag Team Champion (w/ Bruce the Mighty & Bad Man; 191 days)
Notable Matches:
-BL10: Macca v. HOLOKOST
-BL11: HOLOKOST & Commissar v. Cooper & Macca
-BL13: 3 Drink Minimum v. Scorpion & Fields; Undisputed Tag
-BL14: Macca v. Fields v. Lunatic
-BL16: Mainerishi v. Macca
-BL18: Elimination Tables; Undisputed Tag
-BL23: First Blood; Undisputed Tag
-BL26: 3DM v. BadCunts; Undisputed Tag
-BL27: Macca v. Salazar
-BL29: Macca v. Salazar
-BL32: BadCunts v. SovietUnion
-MadnessSetsIn: TLC; Undisputed Tag
-BL36: Johnson v. Macca; Uncensored Title
-BL38: Roman v. Macca
-BL39: HOLOKOST v. Macca; Uncensored Title
-BL40: Uncensored Battle Royal
-BL42: Macca v. Mainerishi; Undisputed Title

Macca is Underground X. Seriously, who would’ve known? Out of all the inductees, Macca has the most notable matches, involved in the most hilarious moments, best segments, best promos, and is the very first and only UX Triple Crown Champion! Longest reigning Undisputed Tag Champion, only man to successfully defend the Uncensored Championship on multiple occasions and against practically everyone, and the final Undisputed Champion! Macca smashed Robinson’s record-obsessed lifestyle, outsize Cooper and Holiday’s magnetic personalities, outwrestled Cesar Salazar twice, saved UX from the Mainerishi, calls out people way better than ‘Bad Man’ and ultimately is the greatest wrestler Underground X ever produced.

I couldn’t summarize Macca’s fantastic yet accidental* career in UX without this turning into a biography. (*I say ‘accidental’ because remember, Macca only began wrestling out of arrogance. He told his childhood friend Cooper he could beat the shit out of HOLOKOST, and, funny as it is, Macca may not have exactly done that the first time, but just over a month ago, Macca utterly humiliated HOLOKOST in his first Uncensored title defense!) Basically, Macca, if I am considered the ‘voice’ of Underground X, you are without doubt the ‘face’.