*****Black Monday*****

The arena lights are completely off, and all we can hear is the cheering and hollering of the raucous crowd here in Durham, North Carolina. Suddenly a single spotlight shines on the entrance ramp at the head of the stage, and glitter and butterflies flutter and sprinkle around the REBELTron.

MIKEY MASSACRE: Oh dear god no….

Rebecca Black, or at least some chick that looks pretty much like her, clears her throat and smiles and waves to the fans.

REBECCA BLACK: Ohhh yeaaaah, yeaaaah, yeaaaah.

The crowd begins to BOO so loud you can’t hear yourself think.

MIKEY MASSACRE: Gold is high again.

REBECCA BLACK: It’s FRIDAY! FRIDAY! Gotta get down on FRIDAY!

FANS: SHUT THE FUCK UP!

REBECCA BLACK: Everybody’s looking forward to the weekend, weekend!

Black ignores the boos and heckling, smiling as she sings. Behind her on the REBELTron is a superimposed image of Hostile with the Aggression title and he’s covered in glitter. Obviously, photoshopped.

REBECCA BLACK: FRIDAY! FRIDAY! Getting’ down on Friday! Everybody’s looking forward to the weekend!

She’s so happy, smiling as an image of Vincent Black with a beautiful butterfly sitting on his menacing head appears on the REBELTron. Obviously, also photoshopped.

MIKEY MASSACRE: Is someone pulling a prank on the Extreme Elite?

REBECCA BLACK: Partyin’, partying’! YEAH! Partyin’, partying’ YEAH! Fun! FUN! FUN!

She waves to her adoring fans, who are actually violently drunk and getting pissed off. The next image shows Bubba J chugging beer, only the can has been changed from a beer to a chocolate milk box and there is clearly a bunny rabbit on his shoulder trying to get some of the chocolate milk. Obviously, more photoshop.

REBECCA BLACK: Yesterday it was Thursday, Thursday! Today is Fri-

Suddenly, Batman.

BATMAN: I’m afraid Aggression is on Monday’s now, sweetheart.

Batman, and we mean Marvin Humperdink being forced to dress up like Batman, steps out from backstage and has a chair in his hand and he bashes Rebecca Black in the back of the head, she falls forward off the stage and through a stack of tables below. The crowd cheers for their glorious saviour. Batman. You stand up from your beat down couch, almost spill your beer and cheetos as you cheer this Dark Knight.

BATMAN: Welcome! TO MONDAY NIGHT AGGRESSION!

The spotlight cuts and then the arena lights turn back on as red, white and blue pyros whistle towards the ring from the ceiling and explode in a glorious fashion. The crowd cheers, you cheer too, and the world has been saved.

MIKEY MASSACRE: I’m Mikey Massacre! On a week our new boss Jeremy Gold decides he’d like to fight in the BWF, we get left with great acts like this. And sadly, this week my celebrity co-host is…

BATMAN: You can say it.

MIKEY MASSACRE: Who put you up to this?

BATMAN: The injustice of horrible music and a love for all things REBEL Pro. Obviously that cunt ruined Friday’s for everyone, so REBEL Pro had to move to Monday Night.

MIKEY MASSACRE: Didn’t know Batman uses words like cunt.

BATMAN: There’s a lot of things you don’t know, civilian.

MIKEY MASSACRE: As I was saying… My celebrity co-host this week is Marvin Humperdink dressed as Batman.

BATMAN: Frankly, I’m offended. Besides, Jeremy Gold gave me the suit for free. It’s snazzy. And some sugar, and I know I’m usually shy being around all these tough guys and gals but… Honestly I’ve never felt more alive in my life when I hit that intern… I mean, Rebecca Black, in the head with a chair.

MIKEY MASSACRE: Wait, wait. Gold gave you sugar?

BATMAN: Yeah, he calls it courage in a powder. He offered me bravery rocks, but I don’t smoke.

MIKEY MASSACRE: Dear God…

BATMAN: That’s right, Mikey! The fearful better pray to their God! Cause in REBEL Pro, there is… NO MERCY!

The camera does a pan around the crowd.

BATMAN: Cool motto, right?

MIKEY MASSACRE: Actually, that’s awful.

*****Legion versus Bobby Lee*****

Legion grapples Bobby Lee, who shakes his head like “NO NO NO!” before being whipped right into the ropes by Legion. Bobby Lee goes through the ropes and hangs off the middle rope by his stomach and waist in agonizing pain. The new REBEL Pro ring with it’s barbed wire middle rope begins gnawing it’s newest victim as Legion is relentless, stomping down on Lee’s lower back.

MIKEY MASSACRE: Over the break these two came to the ring and Legion just began unleashing a force and brutal power I haven’t seen in a long time.

BATMAN: He reminds me of Bane.

MIKEY MASSACRE: Yeah… Right. Okay.

Legion lifts Bobby Lee out of his entanglement in the ropes by the back of his neck, and Lee’s entire waistline is cut open from those insidious barbed wire middle rope. Bobby Lee thrashes in Legion’s grip, kicking him blindly in the chest until Legion drops him. Bobby Lee springboards himself off the top rope and hit’s a super kick into Legion’s face. Bobby Lee doesn’t relent as he drops over Legion with a leg drop and then hooks the leg!

TW-KICK OUT!

BATMAN: Holy K9’s Mikey, Bobby Lee’s got some fight in him.

MIKEY MASSACRE: No one ever said he didn’t.

Bobby Lee is back to his feet and stomping down hard on Legion, while Legion doesn’t even try to block the attacks. Legion gets to his feet, his various “Priests” standing watch at ringside. Out of no where Bobby Lee goes for a hurricanrana, but Legion reverses it- ENTER BLACKNESS! With a VICIOUS jacknife power bomb, Legion covers.

2!!

3!!!

DING DING DING

JENNY JERSEY: The winner of this match, via pinfall… LEGION!

No music plays, but Legion merely stands in the ring victorious.

*****I got her a title. Bitches love titles.*****

We fade backstage to the General Manager’s office, where we hear Jeremy Gold screaming and crying.

JEREMY GOLD: But she threatened me! She said she was going to put lip stick on my mouth then kick me in the face with her foot! Wrapped in barbed wire, by the way!

Gold is sitting across his own desk on the opposite side, the chair is turned around and we don’t see who’s sitting in it. However we do see a hand stretched out from behind the chair, a lit cigarette between his fingers.

JEREMY GOLD: That’s why I booked her into this match! And then Phoenix has to be a real dick and say he’s going to arm bar and hip toss his way into a mediocre main event! And Lisa doesn’t even care who she faces! She’s so full of herself!

The main in the chair turns around to face Gold, nodding.

SIMON KALIS: So what? What’re you gonna do, huh? You booked the AoWF World Champion to face the AoWF Intercontinental Champion like it was a random Bobby Lee match. You’re a moron, Jeremy.

JEREMY GOLD: Hey, no one tells me these things, man.

SIMON KALIS: So if you’re so pissed, fix it.

JEREMY GOLD: Fix it? How?

SIMON KALIS: Make the match mean more than it does. Make it count.

Gold nods, and his face crunches as he tries to think. Kalis sighs, flicking some ash aside from his cigarette.

JEREMY GOLD: I got it! The Phoenix! Versus Lisa Seldon! Tonight!

SIMON KALIS: …

JEREMY GOLD: For the REBEL Pro WORLD TITLE BABY!

We can hear the fans in the arena cheering all the way in Gold’s office.

SIMON KALIS: Great. Here.

Kalis reaches into the breast pocket of his suit and slides over a folded piece of paper to Gold.

JEREMY GOLD: What’s this?

SIMON KALIS: A list I made, of some things I’d like you to announce.

Gold opens the paper and begins reading down the list.

JEREMY GOLD: Violet Harper?! Justin Case?! AoWF Television Title Contendership match next week?!

Again we hear the fans cheer in the arena.

SIMON KALIS: I didn’t say announce it now, you fucking clown.

Gold’s eyes widen even more.

JEREMY GOLD: Whoa dude you’re bringing back the tag titles?!

SIMON KALIS: Way to go, pal.

We fade to ringside…

*****Jaice Wilds versus Kris Klondike*****

Jaice and Kris lock up in the middle of the ring, with Wilds whipping Kris Klondike into the ropes. As Klondike comes back, Jaice jumps up, lands on Kris’ shoulders and lays him down with a stunning hurricanrana that sets the crowd on fire! Not literally of course, we wouldn’t be able to afford the law suits. Klondike rolls away and gets to his feet quickly as Jaice charges at him. Kris Klondike with a drop toe hold that sends Jaice neck first into the barbed wire middle rope of the new REBEL Pro ring, immediately cutting Jaice across the throat.

BATMAN: Gee wilikers, that’ll leave a mark.

MIKEY MASSACRE: I’m sure it will, Marvin.

BATMAN: My name is Batman. But Caped Crusader or Dark Knight would also suffice.

MIKEY MASSACRE: Get off the sauce, Marvin.

Jaice rolls out of the ring holding his neck, but luckily he isn’t cut too deep and he wipes his throat off and sighs in relief. The much bigger man, Kris gingerly climbs to the top rope and then flies off with spectacular fashion with a clothesline that flips Jaice Wilds up into the air and then onto the ground outside. Kris begins stomping down on Jaice, holding onto the ring apron for balance and leverage. Jaice Wilds tries to cover up with his arms before rolling under the ring and disappearing from site.

BATMAN: My spidey senses are tingling, Mikey.

MIKEY MASSACRE: Your what?

BATMAN: I think Jaice is trying to hide.

MIKEY MASSACRE: Jesus Christ, Batman doesn’t have spidey senses. That’s Spiderman, Marvin.

BATMAN: Semantics, my dear Massacre.

Jaice Wilds appears on the opposite side of the ring with a 2×4 in hand as he slides into the ring. Kris Klondike slides into the ring as well and rushes Jaice. Jaice ducks and whacks Klondike in the back of the knee with the 2×4, and Klondike falls to one knee. He cracks Klondike with the 2×4 again over the head and drops the 2×4 as Klondike drops to the canvas, his head pouring blood like an antelope after a cheetah rips it’s fucking throat out. Jaice’s neck still bleeds like an emo kid who cut himself wrong as he goes for the cover.

2!!

TH-KICK OUT! KLONDIKE KICKS OUT!

BATMAN: Good golly, Miss Molly! What a kick out! He sent Jaice flying right into the ropes again.

MIKEY MASSACRE: Right… And this new ring, with the barbed wire middle ropes are doing their damage to Jaice as his back now gets all cut up from them.

Klondike grabs the 2×4, using his longer reach to surpass Wilds. Wilds tries to run but Klondike cracks him across the back of his head with the 2×4 as he gets to his feet. Wilds is now on both knees and Klondike steps up in front of him and brings the 2×4 across Wilds’ face, breaking both the 2×4 and Wilds’ face in half. Wilds hit’s the canvas, convulsing from the impact and Kris Klondike quickly covers.

2!!

THREE-NO!!! WILDS MANAGES TO KICK OUT!

Not as forceful a kickout as Klondike’s, Wilds’ still manages to break the count and roll out of the ring. He falls right off the apron and to the ground and is now bleeding from his face as well as his neck.

BATMAN: Popsicles Mikey, he’ll need medical attention after this match!

MIKEY MASSACRE: I guess you’re right.

BATMAN: Of course I am, silly Mikey.

MIKEY MASSACRE: My point is, anyone would need medical attention after suffering the cuts and lacerations Jaice has. Kris Klondike probably will too, he’s busted open pretty badly himself.

Jaice Wilds grabs the barricade separating the fans and pulls himself up as Klondike slides out of the ring. A sexy female Jaice fan cheers and hugs him, offering him her beer to drink. Jaice turns around and decides to bash it over Kris Klondike’s face. Klondike stumbles back, holding his face. Jaice springboards himself off the apron and then hit’s a heel kick to Klondike’s face, sending Kris Klondike into the same barricades Jaice was in. That female Wilds fan grabs the chair she was sitting on and looks at the shaken Klondike. Jaice nods and points and she weakly smashes the chair over Kris’ face.

BATMAN: She can’t do that!

MIKEY MASSACRE: I don’t think it says anywhere she can’t.

BATMAN: Well this needs to be erectified at once, Mikey!

MIKEY MASSACRE: You mean rectified?

BATMAN: That too!

Klondike stumbles back and Jaice throws him into the ring. Jaice grabs the chair off his adoring fan and slides into the ring as Kris is getting to his feet. Jaice goes wild, silly pun intended, on Klondike, and begins wailing away with the chair! Jaice drops the chair and jumps up to the top rope! AERIAL ACE! The crowd goes nuts! Jaice covers!

2!!

3!!!

DING DING DING

JENNY JERSEY: The winner of this match by pinfall, JAICE WILDS!

Jaice has his hand raised by the referee and waves to his new number one fan, who rips off her top and flashes the good stuff on national television.

BATMAN: And this is why no one wanted REBEL Pro on National television. Think of the children!

MIKEY MASSACRE: If your kids are watching this show, they’ve got a lot more to worry about then a woman’s breasts.

BATMAN: At least the situation has been erectified, Mikey.

MIKEY MASSACRE: Don’t you mean rectified?

Batman looks down at his crotch.

BATMAN: No… This time I mean erectified.

We fade to commercial as Jaice signs his number one fans titty like a boss. God Bless America.

*****COMMERCIAL: Be A REBEL, Be A Pro*****

The REBEL Pro logo flashes and we see a dark alley.

SIMON KALIS: Hi. My name’s Simon Kalis, the new minority owner of REBEL Pro.

Kalis casually ducks a few gun shots as he continues walking down this dark alley.

SIMON KALIS: REBEL fans may remember me from epic moments, such as Bubba J tasering my balls or me breaking Emily Corlen’s neck over a few C4 explosives in the Kingdom of the Death a few months ago. Hell, Lucious Starr of PWA fame kidnapped my son and they arrested ME and put me into a psychiatric hospital in fear of what I’d do.

Kalis pauses, and nods.

SIMON KALIS: Are you that fucking awesome?

Someone screaming and bleeding runs past Simon, clutching their bleeding stomach for dear life.

SIMON KALIS: I come from a shitty background where this type of behaviour is commonplace.

Kalis steps aside from a few police officers chasing that stereotypical man who just ran past.

SIMON KALIS: But I found my way out through this great sport called wrestling. I found there were better ways to settle an argumentative dispute than the use of guns, knives or heroin needles to OD someone and make it look like suicide.

He walks past a Kurt Cobain poster.

SIMON KALIS: My point is, anyone can be a REBEL if you’ve got what it takes. You too, can escape the shitty life you’re probably living right now.

Kalis stops as he exit’s the alley and gets onto the street. There’s a line up of gangsters in blue and gangsters in red staring menacing like at each other.

GANGSTA RED: We gonna make you bleed, homie!

GANGSTA BLUE: We gonna cripple you, dawg!

Kalis stands, smiling as he stares at the screen and this goes on behind him. Suddenly, a guy carrying a small portable TV runs into this scene.

GUY WITH TV: Hey guys! Put the guns down! REBEL Pro’s on TV now, nationwide!

All the gangsters drop their guns and look at him with shock, all mouth gaping open and stuff.

GANGSTA RED: Fo real?

GANGSTA BLUE: Nah fuck that, we gotta settle this right here! Right now!

GUY WITH TV: Then settle it like a REBEL, not a pussy!

GANGSTA BLUE: And how do REBELs settle their differences?

Kalis cocks an eyebrow at that stereotypes sudden improving vocabulary.

GUY WITH TV: Like this!

The guy with the TV throws the TV at the gangsta in blue before grabbing a barbed wire bat out of no where. The screen pauses JUST before the TV hits that idiot in the face and the set spins slowly, changing from this street scene to a clean and professional looking board room.

SIMON KALIS: Obviously, arguments can happen anywhere with anyone. Even the high and mighty have their problems.

Kalis smirks as the camera focuses on the board meeting behind him.

POMPOUS LOOKING GUY: Obviously our third quarter financial report would be better if we sent more jobs overseas to China.

AMBERCROMBIE AND FINCH DOUCHEBAG: Sure would.

COMMON SENSE LADY: But that’ll hurt our consumer base here in the States in the long term. Can’t you guys see that?

OLD RICH WHITE GUY WITH A DOUBLE CHIN: Har, har. Silly woman, we’ll be richer though!

The common sense lady seems upset, and would normally shut the fuck up right about now.

SIMON KALIS: But… She’s a REBEL, baby.

She stands to her feet and pulls out a kendo stick from beneath herself and whacks the other three guys so hard in the face they start to gush blood all over their copies of the New York Times. She jumps onto the large board room table and picks the old rich white guy with a double chin up and piledrives him through the table.

COMMON SENSE LADY: I said fuck that!

Kalis nods as the scene pauses now behind him.

SIMON KALIS: My point is, ladies and gentlemen. You can sit there, watching all your favourite superstars like Hostile, Lisa Seldon, Justin Case, Bobby Lee and many others beat the shit out of people. Or you can stand up for yourself and tell that hippie who smokes pot on your lawn no more! Bash his face with a flaming barbed wire baseball bat! Pile drive your mother-in-law through the hood of her Toyota Corolla.

The guy who threw the TV and the Common Sense lady now stand behind Simon and nod proudly.

GUY WHO THREW A TV AT THAT GUYS FACE: Don’t be a bitch, be a REBEL.

COMMON SENSE LADY: Don’t take any shit. Be a Pro.

SIMON KALIS: Be a REBEL! Be a Pro, baby!

They all smile and throw a thumbs up as the commercial ends.

DEEP VOICED TV ANNOUNCER GUY: Please do not try any of the actions depicted herein at home, or try any of the things you were told to try. We weren’t being serious and do not wish to get sued. REBEL Pro Wrestling, the AoWF nor the Magee Network can be held responsible if you take a blow torch to your bosses balls and then choke slam him through the copy/scanner machine at work. Thank you, and enjoy the rest of Monday Night Aggression.

*****Winning Team Faces Each Other for Number One Contenders Trophy*****
Marina Blue & Emily Corlen versus Vincent Black & “The Show” Chad Kurtis*****

With all four competitors in the ring the bell dings and the action starts! Kurtis and Black rush Corlen and Blue who immediately drop, stop and roll out of the ring. Bubba J’s at ringside and mostly there for support of Vincent Black, obviously. Corlen goes under the ring to try to find some random weapons to hurt the boys with and Black grabs Kurtis up and lifts him into the air, much to the chagrin of The Show before throwing Kurtis over the top rope and right into a stunned Marina Blue.

BATMAN: Sweet, sweet baby Jesus in a manger. Did you see that?

MIKEY MASSACRE: How could I miss it?

BATMAN: Vincent Black just gave Marina Blue a facial with some Chadwick.

Blue pushes Kurtis off of her as Black ignores and scoffs at the crowd booing him. Corlen appears again, this time with two kendo sticks. She cracks one over the back of Kurtis’ head as he gets to his feet and then grabs him, laying him down with a blizzard suplex. Marina grabs the second kendo stick and slides into the ring only to begin getting stomped on by Vincent Black. Black lifts her up by the neck and THROWS her into the ropes, using the middle barbed wire ropes to his advantage. Corlen locks in a sleeper hold on the outside on Chad Kurtis who has his arms stretched out, trying to figure out a way out of it as Black grabs the kendo stick and approaches a now cut Marina Blue.

BATMAN: Marina Blue looking to be in some trouble here.

Blue kicks Black not once, not twice but THRICE in the BALLS!

MIKEY MASSACRE: Or not.

Blue’s back up and she grabs onto Black’s neck and spins, dropping him with a great DDT before hooking the leg!

2!!

KICK OUT!

Black throws Blue so far up in the air, Marina goes right over the top rope and breaks up the sleeper hold Emily Corlen has on Chad Kurtis. Kurtis crawls away coughing and holding his neck. Corlen pushes Blue as they get to their feet as Bubba J throws Vincent Black a baseball bat from under the ring before cracking open his next beer. Kurtis slides into the ring and picks up the kendo stick. Outside the ring Blue spits in Corlen’s face and then whacks her across the head with the second kendo stick.

BATMAN: Well the ladies are falling apart here, they’re just bashing each other now.

MIKEY MASSACRE: Will Kurtis and Black do the same?

Chad and Vincent stare at each other, as Marina looks back up into the ring. She looks down at Corlen who’s holding her face and bleeding now. Bubba J circles the ring and grabs Marina Blue and throws her into the ring. Corlen gets to her feet on the outside and shakes her head, and leaves the ringside area. Black and Kurtis take turns bashing their weapons over Marina Blue. Corlen spits at the ring on her way up the entrance ramp. Blue trips Black over and he lands face first into the barbed wire middle ropes. Kurtis stands back and watches as Marina Blue hops onto Vincent Black’s back and begins grinding his face across the barbed wire middle ropes making him bleed. As Marina Blue gets to her feet she turns around and is met with a kendo stick across her face that sends her to the canvas from Chad Kurtis.

MIKEY MASSACRE: Kurtis let her mess up Vincent Black on purpose, and Emily Corlen has abandoned Marina Blue. If Marina pulls this off, it’ll be a HUGE victory for her.

Bubba J rolls into the ring and spins Kurtis around. TRAILER PARK TRASH! Bubba’s back on his feet and cussing Kurtis out as Black gets back to his feet and grabs a fleeing Marina Blue. THE NEW HOPE! Black slams her down and covers.

2!!

3!!

DING DING DING

JENNY JERSEY: The winners of this match, VINCENT BLACK AND CHAD KURTIS!

Black and Bubba J celebrate in the ring as Marina rolls out of the ring, looking pissed off about Corlen abandoning her.

MIKEY MASSACRE: There’s nothing Blue could’ve done.

BATMAN: Well, it’s not like she’s Batman or anything.

Kurtis rolls out of the ring and points at Black and Bubba, as the two Extreme Elite men laugh him off and Bubba chugs down another beer.

*****I set that bitch on fire. Bitches love fire.*****

We fade backstage to the General Manager’s office where Simon is standing against one side of the room, and Gold the opposite side.

JEREMY GOLD: So.. Introduce yourself!

A third man, at center between them and holding a canister of gas looks around.

INFERNO: I am INFERNO! The single most badass motherfucker to come out of West Virginia!

Kalis sighs.

SIMON KALIS: What is this shit, Gold?

JEREMY GOLD: I was holding an open call to any local wrestlers here who hadn’t been discovered. Inferno showed up!

INFERNO: I’m the hottest superstar you’ll ever meet!

SIMON KALIS: Right. So you want a job with REBEL Pro?

INFERNO: Hell fucking YEAH!

SIMON KALIS: So… What makes you think you’ve got what it takes?

INFERNO: I’ll show you! Show you good!

Inferno opens his gas canister and begins pouring it all over himself. Kalis nods, and Gold looks on worried as shit.

JEREMY GOLD: Wait, wait… What’re you doing?!

INFERNO: I… AM… INFERNOOOOOO!!!!

Inferno pulls a zippo lighter out of his pocket and sets himself on fire and begins running in circles in flames.

JEREMY GOLD: OH MY WHAT?!

Kalis watches on and quickly grabs a long form off the GM’s desk. It’s a liability waiver, he sees Inferno signed it and then smiles.

INFERNO: I will set REBEL Pro on FIRE!!!

Inferno moonsaults himself into the air and through the desk in this office room. Kalis calmly walks over and lights a cigarette off of Inferno’s body as Gold rushes with a fire extinguisher to put him out.

SIMON KALIS: I like him. He’s got balls.

JEREMY GOLD: He’s fucking insane!

SIMON KALIS: He knows no fear, ain’t that right Inferno?

Inferno looks up, now covered in the bukake that comes out of fire extinguishers and nods before passing out.

SIMON KALIS: He’s perfect.

JEREMY GOLD: For what?

SIMON KALIS: To be your tag team partner, silly. We had five teams sign up for the big tournament. We need one more.

JEREMY GOLD: But I’m not what? You can’t make me get in that ring with these god damn lunatics!!!

Kalis pats Gold on the back and takes a drag from his cigarette.

SIMON KALIS: The only guy that can stop me from making you wrestle is Larry Gordon. Do you see him around here?

Gold looks around, whimpering and fearful.

JEREMY GOLD: Larry? Larry you here pal?

SIMON KALIS: Good luck next week, Jer.

Kalis smacks him on the back and walks out of the office grinning, as Inferno’s eyes roll around in his dumb head as we fade to ringside…

THE PHOENIX: Before we begin I have something to say. Now, obviously everyone in the world knows how great I am. However, what you blood suckers don’t know is that, while Lisa is better known for kicking people in the face and breaking things, she’s also an accomplished wrestler.

The look on Lisa’s face would seem to indicate that she is possibly one of those people who didn’t know she was an accomplished wrestler.

THE PHOENIX: So how about instead of two idiots hitting each other with glass, we treat you inbreds to a technical wrestling classic.

As expected, the fans begin to boo.

THE PHOENIX: Of course you don’t want that, because you toothless chucklefuck bastards won’t be happy until people like us are either crippled or dead. We’re two of the best in the world, we’re the top two champions in the AoWF. Whatever we do will be fifteen times better than anything else you’ll ever see in this shithole, and so we’re just going to go ahead and do whatever we want. So sit down, shut up and watch as we put on the best wrestling contest you’ll ever see in your pointless, miserable lives.

The Phoenix drops the mic and kicks it out of the ring. Across the way Lisa shrugs her shoulders, seemingly content not to start throwing Dropkicks and barbedwire around. We get a bell.

MIKEY MASSACRE: Looks like we’re getting one of those wrestling matches.

BATMAN: Looks like the Phoenix pussied out of an actual fight. He reminds me of The Riddler.

MIKEY MASSACRE: Why the Riddler?

BATMAN: It’s a riddle as to why he still has a contract here.

MIKEY MASSACRE: You wouldn’t normally say that, Marvin.

BATMAN: Marvin Humperdink? No. Batman? Yes.

The two move forward into the clinch but Lisa instantly backs off and calls for the referee. The Phoenix pleads his innocence but Lisa insists he’s got something in his tights, forcing the referee to check him over. The ref then moves in for a pat down and finds a pair of brass knuckles… then a roll of tape, a bag of powder, a pair of handcuffs, an extendable baton, a remote control for the house lights, a hand buzzer, a loaded elbow pad, a small weight…

MIKEY MASSACRE: Always prepared.

A few minutes and a sizeable pile of weaponry later the referee is finally content that he’s clean however Lisa calls him back and points to the Phoenix’s crotch, which the poor referee wants to go nowhere near. Eventually though he goes for it, however the Phoenix pushes him away before he can touch anything. He then goes in himself and pulls out a roll fo quarters.

MIKEY MASSACRE: Never let it be said that the Phoenix leaves anything to chance when it comes to cheating. However it appears today he’s content to play this one straight… now that he’s been busted for about twenty different items.

With all manner of contraband set aside the action resumes again. The Phoenix teases a lock up and then shoots for a go behind that he uses to pull Lisa off her feet. He then spins and drops her but Lisa manages to get her knees up to save her from dropping on her stomach. She then twists, grabbing hold of his neck on the turn and coming up on top in a North-South Choke with her legs based out to save him from turning. After a few moments of consideration, the Phoenix bridges up and then twists to land himself on top. Lisa tries to turn but Phoenix catches her and grinds in a Headlock as she gets to her feet.

BATMAN: By Jove what technical wrestling!

Lisa attempts to push off but the Phoenix stands his ground forcing her to look for another way. She the puts a foot on the back of his knee and pushes through to take him off his base, allowing her to slip out the back and take his arm with her into a Hammerlock. The Phoenix turns in to it and stands straight up, bringing Lisa into the air and forcing her to lock on a leg-grapevine to maintain her hold. She arches back to apply some pressure but the Phoenix gets an arm in between them to force her off and then locks his now free arm around her neck.

The Phoenix then breaks Lisa’s leglock and pushes her straight up for a Vertical Suplex, only to push her back to land on her feet and turn around into another Headlock. The fans start to boo.

Lisa wraps her hands around the Phoenix’s waist and falls back into a quick bridge for the pin.

But the Phoenix turns a shoulder and goes to his side where he maintains the hold. Lisa lifts her legs and uses them to get some momentum and prop him back up onto his shoulders.

This time he goes to his right and holds on, but allows Lisa to get onto her knees and begin working off the pressure. The Phoenix then pushes back to standing, but never gives it up.

An attempt to lift the Phoenix gets him just inches off the mat before he settles back down and shakes his head no. A second attempt fairs no better but after a third she pushes him forward into the ropes and then rolls them both backwards with her coming over the top, but once again he maintains the hold, coming up on his knees and grinding it in. A few plastic bottles are hurled toward the ring.

The Phoenix stands the hold up again, content to work it even amongst the disproportionately angry response from the fans. Once again Lisa looks for an out, backing them to the ropes and using them to push the Phoenix off and break his grip, but it’s only a momentary reprieve as he hangs onto her hair and then pulls himself back into the hold. A cheer from the fans dies just as suddenly as it appears.

For once in his Rebel Pro career the Phoenix seems to be enjoying himself, and takes great delight in cranking the hold tight as the fans continue to boo. Despite

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the ever growing pressure on her neck, Lisa remains resolute and backs to the ropes again to push him off, only for the Phoenix to hold on and slide to the ground with the Headlock intact. Lisa rolls to her back and kicks her legs around his neck, allowing her to pull down and once again force him off, but the Phoenix rolls over onto his knees, pops out of the Headscissors and leaps into the hold again, this time from the face to face position.

MIKEY MASSACRE: I’m not sure this is the World title match people expected.

BATMAN: Lisa’s all BANG! Phoenix goes ZOINK! Then Lisa’s all like, KABLOW! Whoosh! Phoenix is like GNARRRR with the holds and Lisa’s like-

MIKEY MASSACRE: We get it.

Lisa grabs him again for a Headscissors and pulls it off for a second time, this time sitting up and putting an elbow into his back to prevent him from leaping out, but the Phoenix instead the Phoenix rolls over to put Lisa on her front, bridges up and then twists over to come out on top of her and right into another Headlock.

Next Lisa rolls to put him on his shoulders again.

The count barely falls before the Phoenix turns the hold again, but Lisa uses the scramble to stay on her back, allowing her to bridge her legs up, kick off the mat and roll out on top of him. Lisa then instantly locks her legs in an Inverted Triangle Choke and bridges back for momentum, causing the fans up rises up in a cheer. The referee moves in to check her shoulders, but Lisa bridges up on her neck and then settles on her elbows to really dig the hold in.

The Phoenix’s free arm flails wildly for a few seconds as he can feel himself slipping away, but he refuses to let his arm drop and fights through. The fans are begging for him to tap, but the Phoenix maintains his composure and then rolls through, bringing him over on top of Lisa. From this position he manages to get a hand under her foot and loosen the grip before slipping out, pushing himself forward and grabbing her head once more. The fans are livid.

The fans give up booing and fall into a plain old fashioned disappointed silence, which gets a smile from the Phoenix as he continues to pressure. He then gets his feet under him and pushes Lisa into a pin.

Before Lisa manages to turn back and get a shoulder free. He then bridges up again.

And this time Lisa rolls it through to the otherside, where upon the Phoenix begins to push back toward standing, letting Lisa get as far as knee before he really starts to weather the hold.

Having been in the hold for some time now the referee is forced to see if Lisa wants to give it up, but she shakes her hand no and then finally pushes back to her feet. Once more she backs to the ropes and sends him away, but again he holds on by her hair and pulls himself back into the hold. She tries from the second set of ropes with the same results. She tries again from the third and gets the same. The fans are cheering her on as she pushes off the forth, but once again he reels himself in, picking up the pace she tries a fifth time and almost shakes him. On the sixth she moves quick enough and drops down, sending him loose and to the ropes amongst a rapturous applause.

She then drops down on the pass and comes up with her back to him in a leapfrog on the return, but doesn’t seem him catch the ropes behind her and then leap into the Headlock again when she lands. The fans are cursing wildly, but Lisa uses the momentum to drop him straight down to the mat and then pushes straight up into a Headstand. The Phoenix tries to keep his Headlock, but Lisa pushes forward right out of the hold and lands into headlock of her own for the first time this match. The fans are on their feet.

MIKEY MASSACRE: The crowd is loving this match.

BATMAN: They can sense the epicosity.

The Phoenix immediately stands up under his smaller opponent and then sends her to the ropes, only for Lisa to return the favour from earlier, grabbing a hold of his mask to hold on and then reeling herself back into the Headlock. He then resorts to lifting her straight off the mat and dropping her behind him, but Lisa lands on her feet and then waits for him to turn. The Phoenix comes low and dives but Lisa hops over him, waits for him to turn and then

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leaps backwards onto his shoulders. The Phoenix stands up and Lisa twists before dropping down his back for a Sunset Flip. The Phoenix tries to roll through but it’s all part of the plan as Lisa steps over, pushing his legs down over her his arms and kneeling down on top of them.

MIKEY MASSACRE: She’s got him in the Mousetrap!

Lisa throws her hands straight up.

3!!

DING DING DING

JENNY JERSEY: Winner of this match, and STILL REBEL Pro World Champion… LISA SELDON!

The Phoenix kicks valiantly but he’s got nowhere to go as the referee’s hand falls for the three, and Lisa hops forward out of the move.

MIKEY MASSACRE: Well I guess that was one of those technical classics you hear about.

BATMAN: Bah gawd, this was supposed to be a proper main event! Justice has not been done for these fans.

Lisa helps the Phoenix to his feet and the two share some pleasantries. Something about her now very sore neck and ear and his wonderful bridging technique. The Phoenix then raises Lisa’s hand to the audience, which gets a cheer. When she tries the same however they respond as expected, booing the Phoenix as he flips them all off and the leaves. With Lisa now left alone in the ring, she gives a rather animated shrug and then takes her bow.

MIKEY MASSACRE: Lisa Seldon, in the end, triumphant once more.

BATMAN: The Champion of Everything!

MIKEY MASSACRE: For REBEL Pro, this is Mikey Massacre.

BATMAN: For DC Comics, this is Batman.

MIKEY MASSACRE: We’ll see you next week!

We fade with one last shot of our awesome Champion of Everything, Lisa Seldon…