Aggression Logo

*****Cigarettes and Whiskey*****

We fade backstage, to the office of REBEL Pro’s intrepid General Manager: Jeremy Gold. He’s hiding behind his desk, and we can see the cigarette smoke billowing up as he drinks straight from a bottle of Jack Daniels. He’s all shifty eyed and such.

Jeremy Gold: Go away.

Marvin Humperdink: We’re here for an interview, sir.

Jeremy Gold: Yeah but Simon’s not here. He said he’s drinking with an asshole or something.

Humperdink scratches his head.

Marvin Humperdink: Yeah, well that’s why we’re here to see what you plan to do since you’re back in charge for the week.

We can hear the toilet flush from the private bathroom.

Marvin Humperdink: You have a guest?

The bathroom door opens, and Marvin Humperdinks jaw drops.

Jeremy Gold: Yeah! That’s right! Meet my newest, greatest pal EVER!

The camera shows what appears to be a Kangaroo in red, white and blue trunks drinking Jack Daniels out of his own bottle. He drops the bottle and it shatters on the floor.

Jeremy Gold: RUPERT! GET THEM!

The kangaroo looks over at Marvin and the camera crew, and then hisses.

Rupert: *Whatever sounds kangaroo makes, he’s making them*

Marvin Humperdink: Oh my god… RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!

Marvin shoves the sound guy to the ground as he makes a beeline out of the office. Gold jumps onto his desk, and he’s drag queen’d out in a pink skirt with a floral silk shirt. He thrashes his head like he’s listening to death metal as Rupert the kangaroo boxes the shit out of the camera man and kicks the sound guy in the ass as he tries to get up. We cut back to ringside.

Mikey Massacre: So the guy we have in charge this week is a drunk, eccentric drag queen bisexual with a kangaroo bodyguard.

Linzi Martin: It’s just another day in REBEL Pro!

Mikey Massacre: Somewhere in North Carolina right now, Larry Gordon is face palming. Hard.

Over the REBELTron, we see through a shattered camera lens Rupert the Kangaroo hugging Jeremy Gold and them both smoking cigarettes as we fade…

*****Everything Will Be Alright!*****

The Shelley Twins are seen on Rebel’s cameras sitting in their Uncle Gabe and Alexia’s locker room, the door opens and Gabe walks in and they look up at him

Noelle Shelley: Hey Uncle Gabe.

Aria Shelley: Where’s Lex?

Gabe turns away from his locker and shuts his as he shrugs his shoulders.

Gabe Shelley: No idea. I haven’t seen her since I left this morning for my jog. When I came back she had already left. Maybe she’s still mad that I got the match switched and she’s around here somewhere. I’m sure it’s nothing.

He sits on the bench in the room and starts to lace up his boots. Aria and Noelle look at each other and Noelle gets up slowly.

Noelle Shelley: Umm.. Uncle Gabe…?

He doesn’t bother looking up but does raise an eyebrow, continuing to tie his boots.

Gabe Shelley: Yes, Noelle?

Noelle: Alexia’s car was still there when we left.. But she wasn’t.. we thought she went with you..

Gabe Shelley: Maybe she walked to the arena today? We aren’t too far from the hotel ya know. I’m sure it’s fine you two. Like I said she’s probably still upset that I won’t let her be in the match and when she’s upset it’s better to just give her some space. That’s probably what she’s doing.

The twins look at each other and Aria stands up, the girls start to argue quietly with each other.

Aria Shelley: WE HAVE TO TELL HIM!

Noelle shushes her sister quickly. Gabe finally looks up as he’s finishing the second boot and seems frustrated.

Gabe Shelley: Tell me what?

Noelle Shelley: Nothing.. Shes crazy.

Aria Shelley: I am not! I saw his car!

Gabe Shelley: I’m about to separate the two of you and let you decide who wants to tell me. You have 5 seconds to tell me WHAT is going on. Got it?

He starts to count on his fingers and out loud.

Gabe Shelley: 1… 2… 3…

Aria Shelley: I saw Dad’s car! Noelle thinks I’m crazy and paranoid, but I’m not, I saw it!

Gabe stops and takes a deep breath. He rests his elbows on his knees and sits forward, his head turned towards the two of them.

Gabe Shelley: Okay… I’m about to go on so I’ll make a few phone calls and have someone look around. I’ll swing by Gold’s office and tell him to have security keep an eye out for Alexia. Then once the match is over I’ll search the arena and look for her myself. You two just stay calm and try to call her. Everything will be alright, I’ll handle it.

The twins look to each other, then to their Uncle.

*****J.T. Whiplash versus Gabe Shelley*****

Lights blare as a picture of sharks with freaken’ laser beams attached to their freakin’ heads swim across the screen.

Jenny Jersey: Introducing Gabe Shelley!”

The lights go out as an image of a copperhead slithering down a dirt road airs on the REBEL-Tron as the bagpipe intro from “Copperhead Road” by Steve Earle begins to play with the snake slithering down the path. The snake then coils up in position to strike as the bagpipe intro ends and “Simple Man” by Lynyrd Skynyrd begins to play over the P.A. system as red, white, and blue lighting goes off throughout the arena. Just then, a spot-light shines on J.T. Whiplash in his wrestling attire, holding a Rebel flag as the fans erupt in cheers. J.T. then waves the Rebel flag in the air hollering as he does so. He then puts the flag over his shoulder as he makes his way to the ring slowly, tagging hands with as many fans as he can get to as he gets to the end of the ramp-way, pausing as he waves his Rebel flag around again before walking to the ring steps and sticking his Rebel flag in the ring post as he steps over the middle rope and climbs in the ring, shouting and hollering for the fans to cheer as he climbs up each second turn-buckle and lets out a loud “YEEEEEEE-HAAAAAAWWW!!!” as he gives the crowd a bull-horn sign before he paces back and forth in the ring like a pissed-off hyena as he runs against the ropes a couple of times before going back to pacing as the music dies down.

Ding Ding

J.T stands across from his opponent Gabe Shelley as the bell rings and the two come together like two bulls in a pasture nailing each other with vicious stunning right fists. Gabe is knocked back a step before catching himself and heading back with another knocking fist that causes JT to step back a step. Whiplash lashes out with a boot to the gut but Gabe sidesteps the blow catching JT around the head and slamming him in the forehead with a headbutt sending JT back towards the ropes. Gabe presses his advantage with a roundhouse punch but JT ducks under coming up with a powerful double fist smash to the Shelley’s chin causing him to step back several steps. Jt’s turn to press the advantage as he mounts a bit more offense with right after right sending Gabe into the corner. JT with a whip sends Shelley out, but Gabe with a reversal sends JT back first into the corner. JT stumbles out but Shelley is right there with a boot knocking JT back into the corner. Gabe mounts him there with boot stomp after boot stomp mounting him with corner punches.

Mikey Massacre: Gabe Shelley showing why he is a former World Champion.

Linzi Martin: And why JT will have to go a long way to become one, especially here in Rebel Pro.

JT counters and now Gabe is the one in the corner receiving boot stomp after boot stomp. JT with a regular uppercut to Gabe’s chin rocks his head back on his neck and a short clothesline nearly sends Gabe out of the ring. Gabe with a haymaker right hand, but JT ducks under sending Gabe out with some sort of Somoan drop to the concrete floor. Gabe rolls away from the ring, but here comes JT leaping from the apron with a knee drop onto concrete, Gabe barely avoiding the somewhat high risk move.

Mikey Massacre: That can’t have felt good on JT’s bad wheels.

Linzi Martin: Then he shouldn’t have jumped.

JT holds at his right knee, but Gabe is going to press his advantage while he can and slams his boot onto the side of his knee as JT falls into the railing. Here comes Gabe with a clothesline that sends them both over as JT manages to grab him at the last instant. JT rolls around and both men get up to their knees, but Gabe is quicker to his feet. Gabe rushes over to JT, but Whiplash nails him right in the face with a handfull of popcorn. It doesn’t hurt Gabe at all, but stuns him long enough for JT to nail him right in the face with a beer bottle and send him stumbling back up against the rail. JT receives a chair from a very eager fan, nailing Gabe right in the face with the chair shot and he goes over the railing; JT holds onto the chair.

Linzi Martin: First blood?

Mikey Massacre: I don’t think so, but I’ve been wrong before.

Gabe rolls over to his knees, shoving himself up as JT nails hiim in the back with the chair and kicks him right in the ribs for the extra point. Gabe rolls over, but manages to trip JT up enough and cause the aged veteran to fall and the chair to hit him in the face. Gabe is at the apron, pulling himself up and coming after JT, who is now to his knees. Gabe with a field goal kick and JT is rolled up against the railing. Gabe with a stompfest has JT’s ribs and chest turning red from the blows. Gabe pulls him up to his feet, sending him into the apron with a whip, JT’s back slams hard into the apron before rebounding right into a hard clothesline from Shelley that nearly rolls JT back into the ring. JT is on the dazed street, allowing Gabe to pick up the steel chair and nail him right in the face with the weapon, busting him open on the forehead and down to the concrete floor. Gabe looks out to the crowd, brandishing the steel chair and bringing them up to their feet. Gabe leans over JT, stabbing him on the back of the neck and bad right knee with the top of the chair, doing as much damage as possible. Gabe tosses the chair away.

Mikey Massacre: Gabe perhaps going for the kill move now.

Linzi Martin: JT’s got something!

JT with a hand full of salt right to the eyes of Gabe cause him to stumble back in pain and because he is now blinded. JT pulls himself up and is also holding a cheesegrater from under the ring; we have no idea how it got there, but its Rebel Pro there’s probably a tank there as well. JT brings it across Gabe’s forehead and face bringing a lot of blood to the surface and causing some definite flesh tearing. Gabe throws blind punches but he’s got salt and blood in his eyes now. JT brings up the hand that had salt in it and rubs it on the wounds causing just a bit more pain from the former BWF World Champion.

Linzi Martin: What a saddistic bastard.

Mikey Massacre: The reason that Bubba J would like him to join him and Vincent Black in bringing back the original Rebel Pro.

Gabe turns around, nailing JT with a right fist to the nose and busting it again in his career. JT stumbles back from the sudden and sharp pain and Gabe presses his advantage as he can now see. Gabe with a boot to the gut and DDT onto the cheese grater. Gabe grabs it up dragging it repeatedly over JT’s face turning it to resemble a cheap pack of hamburger meat that is extremely bloody. Gabe lays the chees grater on top of the dented and bloody steel chair as he pulls JT into position with a saddistic grin on his face and has him locked in…

JUNK YARD JAM!(pedigree)

Linzi Martin: JT’s out cold!

Mikey Massacre: Gabe rolls him into the ring, going for the pin.

One!

Two!

JT with a shoulder up keeps the match going and the crowd haven’t set down yet, well except for a Marvin Wood t-shirt wearing fan. Gabe looks a bit astonished as he pulls JT up, nailing him with forearm after forearm shot backing him into the corner. Gabe with a whip sends JT across the ring, slamming chest first into the corner and as he spins around, Gabe nailing his Jersey Cutter(Twist of Faith). Gabe slides out of the ring and pulls a table out from under the ring, sliding it in before tossing a kendo stick and several other items into the squared circle as well. The fans begin a “We want Wood” chant and they don’t mean Marvin Wood either. Gabe sets the chair up, then promptly begrans stringing barbed wire up all over the table and lifting JT into position for his Jersey Bomb(top rope sitout powerbomb). Gabe has him up, but JT is fighting back with rights and lefts leaning over away from the table and…

BOTH MEN FALL TO THE OUTSIDE!

Linzi Martin: Holy Shit! They fell from the top turnbuckle to the concrete floor!

Mikey Massacre: And I think Gabe Shelley got the worst end of that exchange; however neither man is moving.

Referee Jimmy Johnson slides outside with the quickness and checks on both men before signaling for the paramedics to come out there and help them out; Gabe landed on his head and JT landed heavily on his face/side. The paramedics rush out there as the crowd has gone silent, but the Marvin Wood fan is nodding as though to say “That is what you get!” The paramedics load both men up on the stretchers and haul them backstage, the crowd is completely silent still.

Mikey Massacre: A truly tragic turn of even…

The crowd explodes in cheers as JT comes from the back peppering Gabe’s face and head with right after rights, but Gabe is returning with a combination of rights and lefts as well. Gabe swings with another haymaker, but JT ducks under and splashes something up into Gabe’s face that causes him to stumble near the edge of the stage, JT tosses away a pack of lemon juice that he threw into the eyes and cut face of Shelley. Gabe turns around, right into a desperation superkick from JT that sends him over the edge of the stage to the equipment below! JT doesn’t hesitate, he launches himself over the side of the stage while yelling out in a basic yell of defiance!

Mikey Massacre: My gawd, they’ll kill each other!

Linzi Martin: Gabe won’t back down and evidentally neither will JT Whiplash!

The cameras cut to the two bodies, but JT is not on top of Shelley, as he somehow managed to roll out of the way and JT landed right where Gabe had been, a few sparks spraying up from the equipment table and the smell of burnt plastic filling the air. Gabe rolls off the table, looking down as blood drips from his face and a few scorch marks cover his chest and back, pulling JT off the table, showing the same marks of the battle on his body as well. Gabe drags the stumbling JT towards the ring, nailing him about every fourth step with an elbow and every third step with a right fist to the temple to keep him docile.

Linzi Martin: Both men look like they’ve been through hell.

Mikey Massacre: They have been, believe me.

Gabe rolls Jt into the ring, rolling in slowly after him and pulling him up to his feet. Gabe whips him towards the ropes, but JT reverses and catches Gabe with aRideen bomb through the barbed wire table that Gabe had set up earlier!

Linzi Martin: That’s got to be it.

Mikey Massacre: Whiplash with the Whip-cracker, let’s find out, JT with the cover.

One!

Two!

Gabe somehow shoves his shoulder up into the air and no one can believe it, they cheer it, but they can’t believe it. JT bows his head before climbing up to the top turnbuckle. JT jumps off with the Rebel Yell(big body splash); JT holds his ribs and makes the cover.

One!

Two!

Three!

Ding Ding Ding

Jenny Jersey: Winner of the match… JT Whiplash!

JT pulls himself up and stares as Bubba J walks from the back, clapping and showing his approval with a nod.

Bubba J: “Way to go son, way to show that an old man can still beat…”

He points to Gabe Shelley.

Bubba J: “Another broken down old man.”

He looks out to the crowd as he continues speaking then back to JT Whiplash.

Bubba J: “You had some mighty big words for me, didn’t ya?”

He holds up a hand.

Bubba J: “Frankly Whiplash, I don’t give a damn what you say about me, all I care about is returning this company to the bloody thirsty savageland it used to be.”

He points to Whiplash and to Shelley.

Bubba J: “And it appears that you can do that, but I want to see exactly how hardcore you can be son, how long you are willing to stick around, before anyone that I’m associated with offers you a chance to join the most elite of all extremists.”

Bubba J points to Mikey Massacre at the announcers’ table.

Bubba J: “Check out some of his matches, that is what I’m looking for. I want true hardcore dedication and so do my associates… I’ve asked you before, but do you have what it takes to stick around and help us out Whiplash?”

He stares into the Confederate Copperhead’s eyes.

Bubba J: “Or do you want to hide in your drugs and boos and run like the chicken so many people say that you are?”

The two men stare down.

Bubba J: “The choice and options are your’s Whiplash, your call to make.”

Bubba J leaves as “Simple Man” hits back up in the speakers.

*****RISE ABOVE… And Prove Your Worth*****

We fade to darkness… “Civilian” by Wye Oak begins to play in the background.

RISE ABOVE…. MEDIOCRITY.

We see a flash of light.

RISE ABOVE… EMOTION.

We see Lisa Seldon, holding all her belts. Lisa Forever!

RISE ABOVE… PAIN.

We see Vincent Black destroying Emily Corlen, and hoisting the REBEL Pro Tag titles with Bubba J.

RISE ABOVE… MADNESS.

We see the blood smeared hallways of a particular mental institution…

RISE ABOVE… DARKNESS.

We see Legion raising his head, glaring into the camera.

RISE ABOVE… REGRET.

The Confederate Copperhead J.T. Whiplash, his hand being raised in triumph.

RISE ABOVE… PERCEPTION.

We see Violet Harper, bloodied and battered as she raises the Aggression title high.

RISE ABOVE… CHALLENGE

We see Justin Case getting to his feet, flashes of his brilliant REBEL Pro career.

RISE ABOVE… AND PROVE! YOUR! WORTH!

Prove Your Worth, LIVE September 5^th, 2011 at The Freedom Hall in Louisville, Kentucky!

I don’t need another friend
When most of them
I can barely keep up with them
Perfectly able to hold my own hand,
But I still can’t kiss my own neck

Civilian.
Civilian.

Prove Your Worth logo

Fade to ringside…

*****AoWF Television Title Tournament Round 1*****
*****Vicious Vic Wagner(PWA) versus Marvin Wood(VW)*****

Jenny Jersey: The following match is scheduled for one fall! The winner will advance to the Second Round of the AOWF Television Title Tournament! Introducing first, representing the Pioneer Wrestling Association…

A lion roars over the PA system and “King of the Hill” by Annihilator blares. “Vicious” Vic Wagner emerges from the curtain, glaring out at the fans as he gives them his sign, being booed by the majority of fans but cheered by a strong contingent excited to see a battle between two ring technicians.

Jenny Jersey: From Munich, Germany, weighing in at two-hundred and fifty-nine pounds… The Pioneer Wrestling Association INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION… he is… “VICIOUS” VIC WAGNER!

He makes his way to the ring, threatening to punch a few fans who get in his face, telling Wagner to get out of “REBEL Pro” country.

JENNY JERSEY: And his opponent, representing Victory Wrestling, making his way from Pontefract, England…

You’d like to think that “Pomp & Circumstance March No.4” by Edward Elgar is going to hit the sound system and Marvin Wood walks out all tough and smart-looking, but that’s not the case. Instead, we get treated to a true American song. A song from a great entertainer. “Asshole” by Denis Leary cues up on the sound system as Marvin Wood makes his way from backstage, not pleased at all.

Denis Leary: Folks, I’d like to sing a song about the American dream. About me, about you, about the way our American hearts beat way down in the bottom of our chests. About the special feeling we get in the cockles of our hearts, maybe below the cockles, maybe in the sub-cockle area, maybe in the liver, maybe in the kidneys, maybe even in the colon. We don’t know…

Leary’s great song kicks in full gear as the big screen in the arena lights up showing the inside of the fancy production truck for tonight’s event. Simon Kalis is inside, of course. We all kind of expected that, but what we don’t expect is former PWA World Champion Matthew Engel sitting next to him.

Virus: They have six packs of cognac?

Kalis: Where I go they do. I’m black remember?

Virus: Seems legit.

Meanwhile Wood is looking up at the screen as Denis Leary’s “Asshole” continues on. Vic Wagner watches, hiding a smirk.

“I drive really slow in the ultra-fast lane,
While people behind me are going insane.
I’m an asshole (He’s an asshole, what an asshole)
I’m an asshole (He’s an asshole, such an asshole)”

We go back to the production truck, and now there’s that damn kangaroo with them. Rupert!

Rupert: *KANGAROO NOISES*

Virus: Now I’ve seen it all.

Kalis: Dude, this guy is hilarious.

Virus: Is this his Marvin Wood impression? Because it’s awesome.

Rupert is smoking a big pipe and trying to read a book about Condensation.

Virus: Con…den…sayytion.

Kalis: Your British accent needs work, dawg.

Virus: So does your black accent.

Kalis: OH SNAP!

Kalis and Virus exchange awkward white/black guy high fives.

Virus: Wood is clearly an asshole. Good pick.

Kalis: A…SS… HO… LE! Everybody!

Kalis/Virus/Crowd: A… SS.. HO… LE!

Kalis/Virus: Maybe I shouldn’t be singing this song. Ranting and raving and carrying on. Maybe they’re right when they tell me I’m wrong…NAAAAH!

Both Virus and Kalis raise their drinks up. Virus is drinking a Sharps. Typical alcoholic. Kalis is still rocking his juicebox of cognac.

Kalis: YOU’RE AN ASSHOLE!

Virus: YOU’RE AN ASSHOLE!

Kalis: HE’S AN ASSHOLE!

Virus: SUCH AN ASSHOLE!

The song continues and Wood is really pissed now, almost begging for one of them to come down to the ring and fight him. He’s in the ring as the crowd is going crazy with laughter.

Virus: What is Wood gonna do about it? He can’t do anything about this. We’re pretty much the shit. And we got the bombs, okay?! Two words: nuclear fucking weapons, okay?!

Kalis: That’s like, four words.

Virus: Well it doesn’t matter! This is America! This ain’t some tea party for finer gentlemen club! Fuck, I need to come work here.

Kalis pulls out a contract he just had lying around.

Kalis: Sign it, I’ve literally been passing these around like I’m some deaf guy trying to collect money.

Virus: Dude, harsh. My uncle was deaf.

Kalis: You think I give a shit about your uncle? You think Marvin Wood does?! WE’RE ASSHOLES!

And right on cue with the song ending…

Virus/Kalis: And we’re proud of it!

They both smirk.

Kalis: See ya bitches!

The big screen goes black and Wood is fucking super pissed as he turns to face Wagner. The referee finally rings the bell.

Linzi Martin: Man that was awesome.
DING DING DING

Mikey Massacre: Wow, a classic wrestling bout! Two technicians, neither really experienced outside the squared circle… it almost doesn’t feel like REBEL Pro Wrestling as of late!

Linzi Martin: Why you always slamming this place? What’s wrong with the way REBEL is as of late?

Mikey Massacre: No, nothing, you’re right… just seems like with the matches we’ve seen and guys like Hardcore Entertainment saying the hardcore ain’t enough, no one remembers that we used to pride ourselves on our technical experts! REBEL wasn’t just the country of blood, it was the country of Nick Everhardt, Derrick Steele, Rex Caliber, Kyle Roberts, Chris F’N Casino for Chrissakes! And now… it seems strange. But I like it. I welcome it!

The two competitors circle each other. Each reaches for the opponent’s wrist to no avail. Each goes for a single-leg takedown but the other scoots away. They continue like this for a solid thirty seconds before Wood, the smaller and slightly faster of the two, is able to grab Wagner’s leg. He trips out the back foot and drops an elbow into the knee of Wagner, quickly applying a kneelock. But Wagner quickly reverses into a chinlock which he cinches. Wood gets to his feet and reverses into a wristlock. Before he can cinch, Wagner reaches back and snapmares his opponent over. A big elbow to the back of Wood’s head! Another! A third!

Mikey Massacre: Fast elbow strikes from “Vicious” Vic!

Linzi Martin: He also dug his knee into the back of his opponent at the same time!

Wagner picks Wood up and whips him from rope to rope, reversed by Wood! Wood with an arm-drag takedown! Another! Wagner gets to his feet only to be pushed into the corner by Wood. Knife edge chop! Another! A third! Wood whips him from one corner to the next. Wagner reverses into a short-arm clothesline!

Mikey Massacre: Both men showing their technical aptitude in the early minutes!

Linzi Martin: One count! Wood kicks out with authority!

Wagner drops a knee on Wood’s forehead! He picks Wood up and throws his head into the turnbuckle! And he successfully whips him from one corner to the other. Runs in for a splash but Wood gets a foot up! Wagner staggers back. Wood with a clothesline that takes Wagner down! Wagner quickly gets to his feet only to be dropkicked back down!

One—kickout!

Linzi Martin: Marvin Wood takes control of the match back from Wagner!

Mikey Massacre: Chicken Wing Camel Clutch applied by Marvin Wood! He is controlling the tempo now!

But it might be too early because Wagner quickly powers out of it, spins around his opponent, and pulls him up with a waistlock. Waistlock takedown. He picks Wood up, the waistlock still on. He appears to be going for some type of German suplex but Wood battles out of it with stiff back elbows and reverses the waistlock into one of his own. German from Wood—Wagner flips backwards and lands on his feet! Dropkick to Wood! Wood up just in time to get Irish whipped into the corner. Wagner runs towards him… this time he lands the big splash! Wood stumbles forward… Wagner catches him in a big spinebuster! Cover!

Kickout!

Vic Wagner quickly transitions into a rear naked choke, but Wood appeared ready for it and gets to his feet. They lock-up. Wagner spins around him and applies a full nelson hold, working on the neck of his opponent. Wood tries to run to the ropes but Wagner keeps him towards the middle, really working on the neck. Finally, Wood jumps up onto the top turnbuckle and flips backwards, breaking the hold! But Wagner immediately catches Wood with a neckbreaker! He gets on top of Wood and begins pounding away at his skull. Rights and lefts! Rights and lefts!

Mikey Massacre: Wagner back in control! He just may defeat the Victory Wrestling World Champion here on Aggression!

Linzi Martin: But, like you said, he is a world champion! And, from what I know, a very egotistical and proud world champion—he will not be defeated easily!

Wood crawls out from underneath Wagner but Wagner cinches in a cobra clutch! But before he can really lock it in, Wood escapes to the outside to reorient himself. He does some neck stretches to ease the pain in his neck. Wagner stands waiting in the ring, signaling him to return. Wood jumps onto the ring apron. Wagner attacks him with rights and lefts, then grabs his head and throws it into the turnbuckle—no! Wood blocks it with his arms! He smashes Wagner’s head into the ‘buckle. Twice! Three times! Four times! Five times! Wagner staggers backwards. Wood goes up top! MISSILE DROPKICK! And he immediately applies a STF!

Mikey Massacre: You called it, Linzi!

Linzi Martin: Wood has Wagner in the middle of the ring! Will he tap?

Wagner crawls towards the ropes with his one free arm but can’t get very far. Realizing this, he begins punching Wood. Wood releases the crossface allowing Wagner to get to a rope and use the leverage provided to break the hold. Wood stands up and immediately drops boots on Wagner’s head. He pulls Wagner towards the middle. Single-leg Boston crab… Wagner kicks him away! Wagner gets to his feet just in time to catch a foot from Wood. Enzuigiri kick sends Wood staggering… right into a huge T-Bone suplex!

Cover!

3—KICKOUT!

He pulls Wood to his feet and hooks a waistlock. But Wood reverses! German suplex—he rolls through! Into a second German… with a BRIDGE! Beautiful!

3—KICKOUT!

Mikey Massacre: A suplex CLINIC!

Wood pulls Wagner up to the top! He takes his time, also trying to catch his breath. He hooks him for a superplex! They exchange blows on the top-rope! Wood with some big headbutts. Wagner fires back with some side elbows. But Wood fires back with vicious knife edge chops! Double Arm Superplex! COVER!

3! NO, KICKOUT!

Mikey Massacre: I can’t believe he kicked out again! If that were me, I’d be GONZO!

Linzi Martin: Yes you would!

Mikey Massacre: Oh come on!

Wood with a quick Suplex, holds on… a second… a third—no! Wagner with a kick to the gut. He steps back, then forward… ROARING ELBOW! Ducked by Wood… Back Suplex to Wagner!

COVER!

3! NO–KICKOUT!

Wood pulls Wagner up just enough to apply the Inverted Trachea Choke Hold from seated position! Has it locked in for a bit, then Wagner slowly gets to his feet… chinbreaker! Stunning Wood!

Mikey Massacre: Wagner reached down deep!

Wagner hits his ROARING ELBOW! Wood stumbles but doesn’t fall. A second ROARING ELBOW! Finally off of the ropes with a huge ELBOW SMASH sends him down!

COVER!

3… KICKOUT!

Wagner goes up top as Wood gets to his feet. FLYING CLOTHESLINE!

COVER!

3! NO KICKOUT!

Wagner grabs the Victory champion and sets him up for Gallows Humor on the top turnbuckle!

Mikey Massacre: If he nails this, this is OVER!

Linzi Martin: Sure is.

But Wood fights him off!

Mikey Massacre: These two men better save something for Round 2! One of them will get there!

Linzi Martin: They are battling on the top turnbuckle!

Mikey Massacre: And there are no tables in sight to be thrown through!

Wood wins the battle and a series of huge headbutts sends Wagner off of the turnbuckle! Wood goes for a top-rope splash… but Wagner gets his knees up! Now Wagner climbs up top. Diving headbutt… Wood rolls out of the way!

Linzi Martin: Both men are on the mat! Wood holding his abdomen and Wagner holding his head!

Wood gets to his feet first. Wagner is about to turn around when… Wood NAILS him with IMPERFECT TENSE! COVER!

Jenny Jersey: The winner, advancing to Round 2 of the AOWF Television Title Tournament… the Victory Wrestling WORLD CHAMPION… MARVIN WOOD

Wood has his hand raised by the referee and seems quite satisfied with his victory. He nods respectfully to Vig Wagner as he makes his leave of the ring.

*****Sexy Time!*****

Backstage we find the sexy and awesome Violet Harper, the RPW Aggression Champion!

Violet Harper: “Cue the sexy.”

*replay from last week’s Aggression*

LINZI MARTIN: I LOVE YOU VIOLET!

Back to Violet.

Violet Harper: “Thank you, Linzi. I love you too. And I dig chicks. Especially chicks that are wrestling nerds. Linzi Martin knows just about everything when it comes to our business. Did you all know before she came to Rebel Pro, she was a commentator and interviewer for the PWA on their Chaos brand? Yeah, she knows her stuff.”

Violet gives the camera a wink.

Violet Harper: “Unfortunately my boyfriend is very traditional, so we can’t… really share our knowledge with each other, if you get what I mean darlin’. But I gotta be honest, if I feel the need to celebrate because I do something big – like win another shiny belt or defend mine against insurmountable odds? Well, let’s just say Linzi you’re getting invited to the party in my pants.”

She smiles. The crowd begins to howl and whistle.

Violet Harper: “But on a serious note… last week I went to the extreme to pull out a win against another douchebag trying to come into Rebel Pro and tell us that we’re nothing but scrubs. Well I showed him didn’t I? I gave that little brat Lucious Starr a taste of Violet Harper!”

The crowd goes wild.

Violet Harper: “Of Rebel Pro!”

The crowd pops again.

Violet Harper: “And especially a taste of what’s to come!”

The crowd keeps going. They love her!

Violet Harper: “See… I got such a damn…rush! Last week, you know? I just want Rebel fans to know that while I value my safety and the safety of the fans, I value winning and being awesome just a little bit more. So feel free to send me ideas, things you’d like to see me blow up, people you’d like to see me set on fire, and other wacky stuff that I can do to help entertain you all and make this place even more awesome than it already is! You can email me at violetharpersexytime at rebelpro dot com!”

She holds up a sign that has the same email address written on it in hot pink with glitter. She’s such a chick sometimes.

Violet Harper: “In the mean time, Rebel Pro faithful, I will continue my winning ways and I will be defeating any challenge Mr. Kalis puts in front of me to remain the baddest and sexiest Aggression Champion ever!”

She blows the camera a kiss and begins to walk away, the camera catching an exceptional glimpse of Violet’s rear end in a delicious chocolate skirt. Well, you wish it was made of chocolate, so you could eat it right off of her, but unfortunately it’s just the color. Cut back to ringside.

MIKEY MASSACRE: Listen, Linzi, if you don’t wanna go to the party in her pants, I would gladly take your –

LINZI MARTIN: No way in Hell, Mikey.

We can literally hear the sad face.

*****AoWF Intercontinental Championship Match*****
*****Vincent Black(REBEL) versus The Phoenix©(VW)*****

“Carbomb” hits as Vincent Black makes his way to the ring.

JENNY JERSEY: Introducing first! REBEL Pros challenger!

The crowd cheers.

JENNY JERSEY: He is one half of the REBEL Pro World Tag Team CHAMPIONS…. VINCENT BLACK!!!

The crowd cheers him as he enters the ring.

JENNY JERSEY: And his opponent, from Orlando, Florida…

You were expecting The Phoenix’s theme to come on, whatever the devil he’s using these days. But it’s not! It’s Matthew Engel and Simon Kalis, once again in their production truck on the big screen. Rob Robinson waltzs out to the stage thinking his song is on and he’s all pumped up, but no one is cheering.

Virus: Rob is a man of dignity.

Kalis: And a man of addictions.

Virus: A man of class.

Kalis: And a man with no ass.

Virus cracks up, trying to keep going.

Virus: He’s a visionary!

Kalis: And he likes to do it missionary!

Virus: And all he really wants?

Kalis: Is Sex…

Virus: And Yoo-Hoo!

“Sex and Beer” by Pat McCurdy hits the sound system as Kalis and Virus rock out to the Wisconsin legend’s only big hit.

Virus/Kalis: Sex and Yoo-Hoo… Sex and Yoo-Hoo…are the two things he holds dear! Sex and Yoo-hoo…Sex and Yoo-hoo…are the things he likes ’round here!

The song continues in the background as The Phoenix is very angry, you can even tell behind that mask of his. Kalis quickly puts on a Phoenix mask he bought for 75 cents at a flea market. Virus pops a big pipe in his mouth and is wearing a Sherlock Holmes hat.

Virus as Marvin Wood: Speaking with logic, we are the best because we never lose, especially not to some young punk and an adult-sized emo kid, and we hold all the gold in Victory Wrestling. Philosophically speaking, you are a great champion because you cheat at every turn! Realistically speaking, I am a great champion because I finally have something shiny to put around my waist after all these years of hard and dedicated work. Changing lives, Robinson! That is the name of the game!

SK as Phoenix: DUDE! GIVE ME SOME GODDAMN YOO-HOO! I… I’ll suck yo dick, man. Just give me the chocolately good stuff.

Virus as Marvin Wood: Philosophically speaking, the Yoo-hoo needs you more than you need the Yoo-hoo. You have to learn to control your addictions, guvna.

SK as Phoenix: Wait, what?

Virus as Marvin Wood: Quite.

Virus sucks on his pipe and bubbles come out of it.

Virus as Marvin Wood: Now sir, I shall read you a passage from my favorite written work, Dr. Seuss’s The Cat in the Hat.

SK as Phoenix is scratching his neck, obviously running rampant with his Yoo-hoo addiction and is barely fighting off the urge to maim his hetero life partner Virus as Marvin Wood!

Virus as Marvin Wood: “I know it is wet and the sun is not sunny. But we can have lots of good fun that is funny!”

SK as Phoenix: “Yoo-hoo! I need… Yoo-hoo. Can’t…win…without…cheating…unless… have… YOO-HOO!”

Virus as Marvin Wood: “Indeed.”

SK as Phoenix is having a seizure! This is a catastrophe! Virus as Marvin Wood however remains emotionless and focused.

Virus as Marvin Wood: “Brilliant. I must research the chemicals within this chocolately drink that could possess a man with such stature and power. Doth I dare have a taste?”

Virus as Marvin Wood grabs something from out of his pocket. SK as Phoenix is passed out from the withdrawal. Virus as Marvin Wood takes a gulp. His eyes light up like a Christmas Tree!

Virus as Marvin Wood: THIS IS THE DOG’S BOLLOCKS!

Virus as Marvin Wood begins chugging the Yoo-hoo! He’s got the crazy eyes now!

Virus as Marvin Wood: MORE YOO-HOO PLEASE!

The screen goes black, and then the late great Rick James shows up on the screen.

Rick James: Man…Yoo-hoo is a hell of a drug.

Back to Kalis and Virus in the production truck. They’re both laughing their asses off. Kalis took the Phoenix mask off and Virus took his hat off, but kept the pipe.

Kalis: You love that pipe don’tcha?

Virus: It’s grown on me.

Kalis: Do you know how mad Rob is right now?

Virus: Probably not as mad as the day he found out he got herpes.

Kalis: OH SNAP!

They exchange another awkward white/black guy high five. Nearly missed, too. Amateurs.

Kalis: I think we pissed Wood off so bad he turned French.

Virus: OH SNAP! But – if he was French, he wouldn’t be able to live up to his last name.

Kalis: … Why?

Virus: Because the French are a bunch of pussies.

Kalis: Hahahahaha… man, we’re outta cognac.

Virus: Call Jeremy and tell him to make a beer run.

Kalis: B double E double R U-N! That spells BEER RUN!

Kalis pulls out his phone and speed dials Jeremy. He answers, and he’s terrified per usual.

Kalis: Get us some more cognac, nigga!

Kalis hangs up.

Virus: What do you get when you cross Woods with a Phoenix?

Kalis: ????

Virus: EVERYTHING BURNS!

Kalis starts rolling with laughter.

Kalis: Did you just make a fat joke?

Virus: No that was an Emily Cor- ohhh…yes, haha. Yes I did!

Kalis laughs some more and then turns toward the camera.

Kalis: Alright Robbie, have your match. Black’s gonna kill you anyway.

We cut back to ringside where Robinson has literally had enough and has already started attacking Vincent Black. The bell finally rings.

DING DING DING

Black pushes Phoenix away and now Phoenix circles the ring, smirking, cocky, he’s got his swag on so hard we can hear Souljah Boy in our heads and somewhere Corey Lazarus is face palming. Phoenix launches a quick strike with an open palm to Vincent Blacks throat. Black stumbles a bit and holds his neck, but he simply charges at Phoenix and clotheslines him to the canvas! The fans cheer for Black, but their cheers quickly turn sour as Phoenix counters it by catching Black’s arm and holding onto him, Phoenix quickly takes Black down with an implant DDT. Black powers his way to his feet and begins an all out brawl with the Phoenix! Black with a right! Phoenix with a left! Black with an uppercut! Phoenix with a kick to his shins. Black keels over a bit, giving Phoenix the time to do a flipping neck breaker thing! It’s like whoa! Black is all whoosh, THUD! Phoenix bounces off the ropes, but pricks himself off the barbed wire middle ropes and rolls his eyes at the fucking silly REBEL Pro people and their ring of death. But he starts running again, goes for a leg drop on Black, but Black rolls out of the way.

Linzi Martin: Lots of back and forth so far!

Mikey Massacre: Crush the Phoenix, Vinny!

Phoenix quickly keeps his pace, locking a sleeper hold onto Vincent Black. But Black immediately begins trying to power his way out of it, throwing errant elbows behind himself. Black, using his strength, stands all the way up and Phoenix hangs off his back with the sleeper hold still locked on. Black wobbles around, trying to keep his balance before wilfully dropping back and crushing the Phoenix under his weight. Black rolls Phoenix over and covers.

2!!

KICK OUT!

Linzi Martin: I don’t think anyone expected Phoenix would go down that easy, but still. The fans here are anxious.

Mikey Massacre: Yep. They wanna see Black take the gold!

Black whistles at a fan, who reaches into their backpack and throws him a small baseball bat! Phoenix looks all “WTF” at this, right till Black swings it. He cracks Phoenix over the head, Phoenix stumbles back, the crowd cheers. REBEL Pro- fuck yeah! Black with another swing, in Phoenix’s ribs, into Phoenix’s legs, he’s going buck with the bat. Phoenix regains his composure, he’s too bossy to be taken out with a bat. Phoenix grapples Black, forcing Black to drop the bat. Phoenix lifts his knee into Blacks gut. Swinging neck breaker! Phoenix grabs Blacks legs now, and much to the chagrin of the fans, Phoenix locks in a Texas Cloverleaf.

Mikey Massacre: We’ve been subjected to this pure wrestling almost all night. I think the REBEL fans are getting blood thirsty.

Linzi Martin: Uhh…. *Ducks a flying chair from the crowd* Yeah, you’re probably right.

Phoenix smiles under his mask, the crowd is getting restless. They’re throwing their chairs at ringside at the ring, their beer cans, their other garbage and things. Black is refusing to tap, looking around at all the fans as they begin getting anxious and stir crazy. Suddenly brawls begin breaking out all over the arena in the stands between fans,

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as they begin smashing shit over each others heads. Phoenix finds this amusing as he wrenches the Texas Cloverleaf tighter and tighter, Black wincing as he feels the pressure rising and rising.

Mikey Massacre: Oh shit, they’re gonna need to call in riot squads. The crowd is losing it, Linzi!

Black has had enough, and using his strength he literally powers out of the cloverleaf by throwing Phoenix off of him. He holds himself for a moment though, he’s feeling the effects. Phoenix stands back up and looks around the arena, as the crowd is in an all out brawl. One fan even gets thrown over the barricade and into a pile of chairs at ringside. Phoenix shakes his head.

The Phoenix: Savages. REBEL Pro and their fans are all savages.

Black is out of the ring and has a big bag of goodies from under the ring. He slides back in as Phoenix watches this madness. Black pours out the contents of his bag and it’s thumbtacks! Hundreds of them! Phoenix isn’t some rookie though and can hear Black behind him. Black goes to grab Phoenix, Phoenix side steps out of the way after checking Blacks position on the REBELTron. Phoenix with a short arm clothesline! Black isn’t as phased as Phoenix would’ve hoped. Black grabs Phoenix, high angle spine buster onto the thumbtacks! Ohhhh he’s gonna feel that in the right fucking now.

Mikey Massacre: Jesus! These fans aren’t even watching the match anymore. It’s all hell breaking loose here Linzi.

Linzi Martin: I know and…

A fan jumps the barricade and tries to grab Linzi, but she quickly twists his arm and smashes his face through a small screen at the announcers table.

Linzi Martin: Asshole.

Mikey Massacre: Damn!

Phoenix rolls around on his back, trying to get off all the thumbtacks that are now pricked into him. Black grabs Phoenix by the neck and lifts him right up off the canvas. For a moment the crowd here in Chattanooga all stop to watch the match, people bleeding, drinking, crying… Phoenix kicks and tries to rip himself out of Blacks grip… Black lifts him higher, CHOKESLAM ONTO THE THUMBTACKS! Phoenix thuds hard onto the canvas as Black goes for the pin!

2!!

THRE-KICK OUT!

The crowd BOOOOOOOOOS at this, and immediately all hell breaks loose again as someone gets thrown off a balcony through to a second tier balcony through a table in the crowd. Someone is having their face smashed between two chairs, another person is being bashed with a beer bottle till it’s broken over their head. It’s then we hear police sirens. Black is caught off guard, as Phoenix rolls him up.

2!!

THRE-KICK OUT!

Black elbows Phoenix in the face, and tries flattening him as he covers.

2!!

THREEE-NO! THAT ASSHOLE PHOENIX KICKS OUT!

Riot police begin running in all over the arena, warning people over the loud speaker to calm down. At this point something is lit on fire somewhere in the crowd, people are running around in a panic as they beat each other silly.

Mikey Massacre: HOLY SHIT IT’S LIKE LONDON IN HERE!

Phoenix and Black are up. Phoenix with a Russian leg sweep, driving Black’s face all up in those fucking thumbtacks! A fan with a chair jumps the barricade and runs in! He slides into the ring and Phoenix is all, fuck this guy, kicks the chair out of his hand. The drunk fan now realizes where he is, the idiot. Phoenix hit’s the Flame onto the chair on the fan and this fan rolls out of the ring, mashed out. But this distraction gives Black his chance! Black twists Phoenix around.

Police over Loudspeaker: FIRE!

VINCENT BLACK WITH THE KEG TAP ONTO THE THUMBTACKS ON THE PHOENIX!!! The police begin firing tear gas all over the arena though! A canister hit’s the ring as Black covers!

2!!

…………………

Mikey Massacre: I can’t see!!! DID BLACK WIN?

Linzi Martin: FUCK THIS, MIKEY!

Linzi covers her mouth as she drops her headset and makes a beeline for the entrance ramp, the arena filling with tear gas and the sounds of people getting their ass beat by the cops.

Mikey Massacre: Oh hell.

The referee stumbles around in the ring as we can clearly see, covering his mouth. It’s then we see Phoenix bashing Blacks face with that baseball bat! Phoenix climbs to the top rope… THE ASHES! THE ASHES ON VINCENT BLACK! Phoenix covers!

2!!

3!!!

Mikey Massacre: NO!!! NO!!! THERE IS NO WAY PHOENIX KICKED OUT OF THE KEG TAP!

DING DING DING

Everything falls silent.

Jenny Jersey: The winner of this match… AND STILLLLLLLLLLLL AoWF INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMP

She can’t even finish as everyone in the arena screams. It’s madness. There’s people brawling everywhere. Phoenix grabs his title and makes a run for the back as Black sits up, fucking pissed off. He looks at the referee but he referee gets hit by a baton from a cop for whatever reason. WHO KNOWS?! IT’S MADNESS!

Mikey Massacre: Uh for Linzi Martin!

Mikey ducks a flying woman who got thrown by some big drunk guy.

Mikey Massacre: This is Mikey Massacre! SEE YOU NEXT WEEK!

A canister of tear gas lands right onto the announcers table and Mikey makes a run for it as we fade….

*****FEAR*****

[ Static. ]

The scene opens up with an extreme close-up of Patient 4479’s face, leaning back he tilts his head.

Patient 4479: Is it on?

Waiting a few seconds before he leans back in, tapping the camera lens with his finger.

Patient 4479: I can’t tell if it’s on. — The lights on, does that mean it’s on?

Unknown: I don’t know.

Frustrated, Patient 4479 puts his mouth right up to the camera lens, speaking loudly.

Patient 4479: Hellooooo? — Are you on?

Aggravated.

Patient 4479: Let me see it.

We see Patient 4479 grab the now fogged-up camera, flipping it around before finally aiming at the floor. All we can see are his dirty feet from not wearing shoes, it appears as though he has stepped in something brown.

Patient 4479: We’re good.

Unknown: Yeah?

Patient 4479: Yeah, the little red light there, that means it’s on.

Unknown: Oooh, I thought that meant the battery was low.

Patient 4479: No, we’re good. Now set it back up on the tripod and we’ll get ready to shoot the promo. My big live debut.

Unknown: Sure thing.

The camera begins flipping around again, the angle gets upright and we see Patient 4479 calmly walking back and forth in the hallway, humming and dancing, clapping his hands and really just enjoying himself.

Unknown: Uhm,…

Patient 4479: What is it NOW, Dennis? Hm? How hard can it be to operate a JVC?!

Dennis: JVC?

Patient 4479: Yeah, JVC.

Sighing, he walks back to the camera, taking it back up off the tripod and flipping it around.

Patient 4479: It stands for “Junk Video Camera”. I guess, like anywhere else, Rebel Pro spends too much money in some areas and not enough in other areas. They should be spending money on the important things — like video & audio equipment, advertising and talent. I mean, have you seen some of the people in this place?

The camera begins to zoom in and out as Patient 4479 begins pressing buttons.

Dennis: Uhm,…

Patient 4479: Nothing but — self-entitled, rednecks, whores, prima donnas, and all-around psychos — and

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that’s just Lisa Seldon. Don’t even get me started on the rest of them.

Short pause before he continues, the camera switches to night-vision.

Patient 4479: Then there’s Violet Harper, she’s in love with Simon Kalis. Or at least I think she is, I don’t know. She’s mad cause Simon has another love interest and he’s showing her any attention.

Dennis: Kalis? You mean that dead skin on your hand?

Patient 4479: Yeah, wait, I mean no! No, Simon Kalis, he’s the guy that “runs the show” around here. — Pfft. — We’ll see about that.

The camera now changes to thermal view.

Patient 4479: Oooh shit, now I’ve done it.

Dennis: No, you just have to…

The camera switches back to normal view.

Patient 4479: Well, look at you. [mockingly] Dennis the camera expert.

Dennis: I used to be a cameraman for Animal Planet.

Patient 4479: Really? Did you ever have to film them, you know — doing it? — Speaking of animals, did I mention that Rebel has a bunch of hillbillies running around? There’s Bubba J, J.T. Whiplash — and you have to watch out for those two, they’re worse than llamas. Leaving their oral excretions everywhere. It’s disgusting.

Short pause while we see Patient 4479 itch the brown stuff on his foot.

Patient 4479: Then you’ve got Lucious Starr, he’s in love with Simon too — he’s not ready to come out of the closet just yet. He’s doing this whole elementary school, puppy dog love bit, where he’s picking on the boy that he likes the most at recess. I think Lucious is going to ask Jaice Wilde to be his maid of honor, problem is Simon has already asked him to be his best man.

Dennis: Jaice sounds like a girls name.

Patient 4479: If I had a girl, I’d want to name her Jaice. That’s a compliment.

Snickers.

Patient 4479: Oh, and I can’t forget Justin Case…

Dennis: Just in case of what?

Patient 4479: No, that’s his name.

Dennis: There is a human being named Justin Case?

Patient 4479: Yeah, and he thinks he “rules” the show, just like Simon does. He‘s going to be the pallbearer, er — ring bearer. He‘s going to be the ring bearer at the wedding.

Dennis: Sounds like a lot of fun. You think you can get an invite, plus one? I love wedding cake.

Patient 4479: I don‘t know. There is a very critical cake-to-person ratio, we have to be careful not to disturb that balance. It has to be maintained. So, if they‘ve already sent out the invites, we‘ll just have to take someone else’s place. — I’ll see if Legion is going to go, I’m sure he has more than enough invitations. [mocking Legion] “For we are many.”

The camera goes black, but we can still hear sound.

Patient 4479: Lastly, there’s Bobby Lee. — He’s another redneck, lives in a trailer, believes he was abducted by intelligent beings from another planet and what have you. They couldn’t have been that intelligent if they were visiting a trailer park in the south. A real fruit cake that Bobby Lee is, completely harmless, for now.

The picture pops back up, the camera stops jostling around and sets up right.

Patient 4479: There! I think we’re ready!!

Patient 4479 walks out in front of the camera and gets ready to shoot his promo.

Patient 4479: Yeah, Rebel Pro is so bad they have to borrow talent from their sister feds and have a “night of champions” just to draw in ratings. How lame. All because they lost Emily Corlen. Too many princesses at the formal and Simon could only pick one. So, he chose the one with the most money and the nicest hair. Sorry Em, you’re just too fat and emotional. She eats when she gets sad and losing her tag titles drove her to an all-you-can-eat-crisco-butter-and-sperm buffet. — Lucious doesn‘t know how lucky he is. — Are you ready yet?

Patient turns around and looks at Dennis.

Dennis: Actually, that’s what I was going to tell you.

Patient 4479: What? — Tell me what?

Throw his hands up in the air.

Patient 4479: Talk ape!

Dennis: We were filming, live, this whole time.

Patient 4479: I would certainly hope so, it’d be kind of strange if we were both dead and the camera was rolling.

Dennis: No, I mean, everyone has been able to hear and see us for the last five minutes.

Patient 4479 gets a puzzled look on his face, then realizes –

Patient 4479: Everyone?

Dennis: Yeah.

Patient 4479: The whole time?

Patient 4479 starts walking towards the camera with a bit of a hustle in his step.

Patient 4479: Quick, shut it off!

Patient 4479 covers the camera with his hand.

Patient 4479: Did I ever tell you about the time Larry Gordon dropped dead in the ring? Things were so bad around here he had to stage a heart attack just to get away…

[ Static again. ]

*****QUICK RESULTS*****

J.T. Whiplash defeats Gabe Shelley in a slobber knocker!
Marvin Wood defeats Vic Wagner and does the Victory Dance!
The Phoenix defeats Vincent Black and as a result there’s a fucking a riot. A RIOT!